As I posted earlier in A Day With The Boys I took the kids and one of their new friends to the Dino Store here by us. i was talking to the brother before we left and he was telling me thank you for taking him and to let him know if he didn’t listen or behave. I told him I wasn’t worried about it he seemed like a good kid and I didn’t think I would have any problems out of him. If I did I wouldn’t have even asked him to come.
He said he knew and that he knew how I was with my kids and the other kids. He said I was a good mom because I do take care of them and do for them. He said and your a good person to, to think of him and stopping to see if he could go.
I said thank you, he then said something that struck me and stuck with me. He said you really are and I don’t think you hear it near as much as you should. He said something about things not being as they should be or things not being right down there. Referring to my house.
I don’t know why it stuck with me the way it did. I think because for once someone see’s how things really are and understands. With out being told and with out being around very much. Just from the little bit that he has been around. That he didn’t just brush it off or make light of it like it is no big deal like most do. Not like if I am talking to someone about it and they act like I am blowing things way our of portion and that he is Mr. Wonderful or Father of the year like he tries to portray himself to be. The fact that he didn’t have to say anything but he did and wanted me to know how he felt. He didn’t mean anything by it other than just a compliment nothing more nothing less.
I have to say it felt good to be trusted and have someone say such a thing. As odd as that may sound. But I have been fighting with depression again the last few weeks. I have been feeling really down and alone, as if no one really cared or seen. I am here with kids 24/7 anywhere and everywhere I go everything I do I have kids with me or am doing for the kids taking care of the kids. I love them I really do if I didn’t I wouldn’t do even half the things I do with and for them. But I feel like all I do is give and do for everyone and never get anything in return.
Yes my kids love me I know that and get hugs and kisses and the little things from them they give me. But it isn’t the same. It don’t fill that empty spot you have, it don’t take a way the lonely feeling, it don’t give back in the way that you need. They aren’t meant to, that isn’t their roll.
It don’t even have to be a significant other, boyfriend, girlfriend, or someone your interested in that way. It’s just a friend or someone like today who notices when you don’t think anyone dose to say something like he did. That can make all the difference in the world. I have not had a real conversation with another adult in months. That I wasn’t chasing kids or doing something with the kids. I haven’t had anyone at all say anything to me personally about me or how I’m doing feeling or anything. Not since I went up to the radio station a while back and sat and talked to my friend why he was working. It was nice to just sit and talk and like today not be judged or made to feel like I am in the wrong for all this because I don’t want to keep living this way and want the divorce. Then again he has lived with father of the year as well and worked with him and knows first hand how he is and can be. He understands. He is in a crazy position right now as well and we can relate to each other. We have known each other most our life he is like my brother. When he got done that night we locked up and stood outside the studio by the cars and talked for a while and finally got ready to leave. I went to walk a way and he called me back and gave me a hug. That was a surprise because I can’t remember him ever giving me a hug in all the years we have been friends. But it was nice and I really needed it. Because like now it had been forever since I had been hugged or just felt that someone really cared. Probably since me and RC split up.
With everyone else we talk about what is going on with the kids, whats coming up that needs to be taken care of or what we are going to do next to get them together so they can play or whatever. I don’t feel like we ever really sit down and talk about whats really going on in our life or if something is wrong. We are at two different places in life and come from different places so we don’t relate on a more personal note. My one friend that I have started talking to I met through RC we are the same in different places but I do feel that she dose care and understands where I am at because she was a single mom and been through a lot of the somethings. Then there is my friend who watched the dogs we are a lot a like and been through a lot of the somethings from divorce to having to live with out ex and the kids and everything. Our personalities are a lot a like as well. Like she said we click more and understand each other more and have more of the same out look on things than the friend we met though. Out of everyone her and my friend from the radio station I feel that I can really talk to who care listen understand and can relate. I don’t feel like they look at me and feel sorry for me or are to busy. But I haven’t gotten to spend much time with her or talk to her the last couple months because of being so busy with the kids and things and she has been sick again. I have to get my house back in order and get somethings set up with friends more. I am a social person and like to get out and around people. I don’t like feeling isolated and cut off even though I do like my alone time as much if not more.