{July 30, 2014}   Slowly Falling Into Place

It seems like everything is slowly falling into place for me and the kids to finally have our own place soon. I posed a few weeks So Very Blessed about how I had sold my truck, getting a washer and drier and things. First quick update on that. The washer was a very simple fix. Someone had dropped the lid to hard or slammed it. It in turn broke the switch. Well didn’t break it. It just came apart so it wasn’t letting it work right. My grandpa was going to by pass it and just forget it but got to thinking that if once of the kids tried to use it that they may get hurt because it wouldn’t shut off when you open the lid. So he screwed it back together and fixed it right. Father of the year and a friend went down and picked it up so I didn’t have to rent a trailer to get it home.

The guy got the truck working for his wife and they are very happy with it. It is nice not having it sitting here walking around it in the way all the time.

Since then more has been happening, the other guy at father of the years job quite in the middle of his weekend on so he has been working a lot of hours the last few weeks. So that is helpful once the checks catch up and start coming in. We will finally be all caught up with bills this Friday I think. We have to pay car insurance and the water bill plus a small loan he took out this week. But I will have about half the loan to pay back. I had a friend who needed to borrow a little bit of money I knew I was already going to have to get the loan so I let them borrow that. They are going to give it back Friday as well.

They also still need a wrecker driver at work. They told father of the year that he could move up to wrecker once he had been there a little bit. This next week or so will be a year that he has been there and they have yet to move him up. I told him go back in and ask them again why they won’t move him up. So he went in and talk to them and they told him as soon as they find someone to take his place and he gets them a crash course they will move him up and train him. They said is pay won’t really go up much they get a percentage of each call. They said the number of calls he gets will go up plus the cost of each call he goes on goes up by a lot. Instead of being like $35 calls they will be $100’s of each call. Plus they say they get tips more often and a lot better tips. They get millage as well and sometimes they have to go across the state and back. He should be making a good amount more.

I have found a babysitter for the kids that is willing to work with me on hours and price. She knows I am homeschooling the kids so all 4 will be here. The kids love her and she loves the kids so I am sure they will have a lot of fun. She has known my kids since I was pregnant with them. I have known her for about 12 years. I don’t know why I didn’t think of her before I see her all the time just never really thought about asking her. We ran into her last week when we were going to therapy and something said hey ask her so I did and she said yes. With him getting moved up I should have a little more to pay her too. He tells me well when I move up we rotate days off so I will probably only have like one weekend a month off I will get the kids then and the other weeks get them whatever two day’s I’m off. I told him no that wasn’t right I shouldn’t have to keep planing my life, my job, my time and activates around when he is off and is or isn’t going to have the kids. That visitation needed to stay the same and he would need to figure out what he was going to do if he had to work the weekends that he had them. Just like I am going to have to find daycare for the time that I have them if I have to work. Why should I pay extra daycare and plan my life around him and make it easy on him? He said ok but he would like ot have them when he is off as well. I told him that was fine he could have them other times of the week if he wanted and we didn’t have plans. But he had to take them our set days and times as well and he had to do their school work with them the days he had them.

Maybe I am wrong but we are not together I don’t feel I should have to change when he has the kids every week to make it easier on him. I hope to have a pretty set days and times I work so I can plan things with them to do, so we can get school work and things done, and so I can plan things I want to do when I have time and they are with him. I don’t want to every time I want to plan something go oh wait let me check with my ex and see if he is off so I can. Not happening.

If he moves up and is making more than he should have no reason not to move out and get his own place. I told him he should start looking and needs to start saving and he got mad. But oh well the truth hurts. He knew this was not a permanent thing. It wasn’t supposed to have lasted this long. I have started looking for places for him. I have even found him a roommate. I told him the other day I found him a roommate he said ok. I told him who it was he said that would probably work. I just want to get him out of here as soon as I can.

He is also supposed to be seeing about taking his week vacation sometime the next week or so. He is going to see if he can take it after he gets his replacement trained before he starts tow side. That way we can get to the court house and get the stuff with the divorce taken care of. I will be so happy to have it done and over with. We have things we need to get done around the house.

I have been feeling a lot better than I have been the last 2 or 3 months. Knowing that things are turning around and that hopefully he will be moving on very soon. Like I said here in Put On A Good Show, it will slowly kill you having to live this way. Yeah I get up every morning and plaster on my best fake smile and put one foot in front of the other but what is inside is not able to keep putting on the show. Hell I don’t even put on a fake smile to tell the truth everyone tells me all the time I need to smile. My friend said the other day I would say you look good when you smile but I don’t think I have ever seen you smile. But it is nothing new I can remember from way back people telling me I need to smile more. I had one teacher I use to walk by every day on the way to school she always say something about smiling.

I got to stop because I know now I am just rambling. I know there are a few other things going on the few days weeks but I really can’t remember what. But it’s all good and it is all coming this way for a change. Maybe I should go play the lotto I fell lucky.

{July 26, 2014}   It’s Unofficially Official

Yesterday we went to the local school a couple houses down to see about my oldest taking a gifted class if we decided to home school. They told me they weren’t sure how it all worked and that the person I needed to talk with was in a meeting. I had somewhere to be so I told her I would come back today. She said she talked to them and they said I had to start at the school board and work back to them. I told her that was fine I would go there next week. She said she was going to call them. She did and the lady said that she was going to email her a paper over for me to fill out and then they could just send it in so I didn’t have to go all the way down there. She sent it right over she printed two out and gave me. I filled them all out and gave them back. So they are now officially with drawn from school and considered to be homeschooling.

She didn’t find out about the class my oldest wanted to take so I called them as we were walking home and they are telling me she can’t do that until she is a grade up. I have to figure out if there is a way we can do it because we are going to be doing that grade at home but if she was in school she would be a grade behind where we are going to be starting. I am going to wait to get the letter back from them before I dig into it more. I think I am just going to go back to the store talk to them and fill out papers and send her as long as they take her. The laws say they have to offer it and let her come.

It is crazy because I feel this is the right way to go with them and probably the best for them. But I still don’t want to tell everyone what we are doing because i don’t want to hear it from everyone. The biggest thing that bothers me is something that shouldn’t bother me or even make a difference at all. It is my life and my kids life and it is up to me to make the best decisions for them and do what is best for them. But I keep second guessing myself and dreading hearing it from everyone else. But I guess that is what happens when your are The Girl. You always deal with that nagging voice in the back of your head. No matter how much you try to ignore it or not listen to it. It is always there and always telling you your not good enough or you can’t do it.

So for now it is official with the school board but, it is unofficial with everyone else.

{July 22, 2014}   Here We Go Again

My big boy had his Tuesday therapy appointment so we get there and as we walk in the door to sit down and start with her she ask how our roof problem was. As she asked I get a text from father of the year informing me that we now have ANOTHER roof leak this no where near the first. It is in the middle of my hall way in the house and leaking all over my holiday stuff in the attic. I told him to call them right then and tell them. To tell them that I can not and will not wait a month or weeks to have this taken care of. This is in the middle of my house leaking down through a light and where my kids have to walk around it. I have to keep the baby out of the bucket.

When I got out of the appointment I called the lady at the office. I just told her that I wasn’t trying to bug her but that I just wanted to see if they had a time they would be out to look at the roof since father of the year never knows if he will be home for 5 minutes or 5 hours. I would have to make sure I was here I have another therapy appointment tomorrow it is here at the house but I still can’t really be having roofers going through my house because they will be working with my son. I wanted to take the kids to the pool tomorrow maybe. But I have to make sure I am here when they are coming so I have to work it in or skip it. She said she was going to call them and for me to call them as well and set it up. She said she hadn’t heard back from the owner of the office but that she told him that she was calling the roofer and sending them herself. So who knows what he is going to say. I haven’t heard from him either I figured I would have gotten a email or a call from him but I haven’t.

I called the roofer they are supposed to be coming out to look at the other that is still dripping and to see if the new leak can be fixed or if the house is going to need a new roof on it as well. I think it is going to need a new roof as well we can see all along the sides where it is messed up it is a gravel roof they can’t really tell until they get it off. Whatever they have to do they better be on it faster than this last one. Because if they do not have a date they will be starting and telling me what they will be doing to it by Thursday I will go down and file a 7 day fix it letter and be sending them. I am not going to let them drag it out like they have this other one and I will be putting the inside work in the letter as well. I hate to be that way but I have seen that they will take their time drag their feet and try to a void fixing it as long as they can. I hope that after I we got into it the last time over the roof and they decided to put a new roof on and things they don’t try to drag it out. They know I know my rights and the laws and that I am not going to just live this way. I guess we will see how this turns out.

It’s sad because it really is a nice house and really good size for what I am paying. It just sat and whoever flipped it didn’t really put the work into it to do it right. I don’t know if it is the person who owns it now or he bought it this way. If they bough it this way I feel sorry for them because the big stuff they kind of covered up and now it is costing them money. If they are the ones that tried to half ass it and slide by then that is what happens you end up putting out more money in the long run. Now you have paid to have the work rigged and half assed now you have to pay to have it done right. Risk losing your renters in the process.

{July 22, 2014}   Less Than 30 Days

I have less than 30 days to have some kind of schooling arrangements for my kids all their supplies bought and everything else they need. No big deal most would say but I have no clue where they will be going to school and I have no clue what they are going to need. I have no clue what schools to even check into. I have one in gifted and one on the spectrum. Finding a school that will take them both and provide what they each need is next to impossible that is any good. I am really trying to avoid driving 50 miles a day to take them to and from school again. I really can’t afford $100 a week in gas I don’t have the time with two other kids and the soon to be 3 therapy appointment’s that I have to make each week for my son. I did it for a year and a half almost two years and it is just to much to keep up with and a ton in gas.

Ad in the fact that I am supposed to be starting back to school when they do and going back to work. I won’t find a sitter to go 50 miles a day to take them back and forth. I won’t be able to take them to and from and it is hard to find a daycare that will pick up at both schools. So then I will have 4 kids scattered between 2 to 3 different daycare. It just don’t work that was a big problem I had before when trying to go back to work. I am not happy with the public schools around us any more. They just all seem to be dropping the ball. The private school’s my son would need are not really doing what they say they will for the kids like him. I have been researching and checking into them. But talking with other parents and the therapist they are advising against most of them. They even say the schools around here are really falling short of what they need to be and should be offering and doing.

The more I look into schools and the more I see and hear talking to others the more I am dreading putting my kids back in school this year. I hate it that they may not be going back I really feel that going to school is important for kids in so many other ways than just the basic books and learning. But I also feel that if they are not being taught or helped in the area’s they need help and they are going to be picked on and bullied that it isn’t good for them. We have already dealt with the being picked on and bullied to an extram with my daughter I can’t go back to that. It is not worth her life to have her in school.

I know it is a lot to take on but I think it is doable if we get the right set up and get all the info and every thing we are going to need. So the search has begun to get any and all info on homeschooling and I still need to go and research some schools just in case. I am mostly worried about cruculume and getting every thing we need set up and getting started. Once we know what we are doing and have everything set up right I think we will do fine. It’s just the stress of not having everything not knowing and being in a time crunch on top of everything that is already going on here right now.

I was just over his comments and rude remarks and hounding me about there being someone else last night so I called him out on it. He was nasty all evening when dinner was being made. Then off and on the rest of the night. He started about a pair of glasses I bought a yard sale because they looked like guys glasses. I just got them because they were cheap and did the job. I never pay over a $1 or so for them when I get them. Between me losing them, them getting tossed around the truck or the kids getting a hold of them they don’t last I don’t want to spend a bunch on something that is going to get lost or broken. I had just seen a pair at the little store I liked for $20 but wouldn’t pay it so I grabbed them when we stopped. I didn’t like them after I got them and tried to wear them and just left them in the consoul of the truck. He went somewhere and before he pulled out of the drive way he was calling wanting to know where they came from and who’s they were. Mind you they are in my truck and have nothing to do with him. I am supposed to answer him but he has still yet to tell me where the women’s pants came from that I found under the seat of my truck when he borrowed it and disappeared for two hours. Then he was like well I will take them and use them at work if your not going to wear them. If I’m allowed to do that. I guess he thought he was going to catch me in a lie or something. He figured if they were someone else and he said that I would have to tell him and not let him have them. I said I don’t care I don’t want them they don’t fit me right after I got them. He acted like he didn’t like it when I said that. Because he wanted to push me into having to tell him they were someone else and it didn’t work. They aren’t but he had it set in his mind there is someone else like I said in the last post.

I was in mine and the baby’s room laying down with her and he came in there for something and huffed back out. I finally text him and asked him what his problem was. He said he was over it the way I treat him how I act like he isn’t worth being with and all this. I asked him what he was talking about he was the one walking around here treating me the way he was. That I didn’t want to be with him hadn’t for a very long time that if I did I would have never told him to leave to start with he knew all this. He started about how he still loves me how he wants us to be together but I won’t change my mind and do things different. He had the nerve to say I throw us a way because after begging for like two years for him to have something to do with me I decided I deserved better and could do better and if I had no one I wasn’t going to be treated the way he was treating me. He started about how jeaules he is, he don’t want me to find someone else. He don’t want the divorce he don’t believe in it. I told him he should have though about that all the time I asked him to fix things and how he ignored them until I did leave and still didn’t really try to fix them. I told him that he didn’t have to believe in it he just needed to get it fixed and granted. He said he wasn’t fixing it because he didn’t believe in it I wasn’t going to turn it around and say he did it he wanted it. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that that everyone knew I wanted it everyone knew and could see that I was the one who filed for it and that I had no problem telling anyone that I was the one who did it. That he should already know that because I do now. We went back and forth for hours at that point about everything and how I won’t change I won’t change my mind. Because I have done everything I told him I was going to do if he didn’t change things. He says he has but I am still sitting here unable to work because he don’t come home at a decent time to watch the the kids. We can’t afford to pay someone right now until I get back to work. He still talks to me and treats me like he has been the way he talked and treated me when I was pregnant don’t say I love you I want you back. Screaming at me in the middle of the yard why I am trying to leave calling me a cunt and everything else and then asking me to give you money for food and go get it don’t say I changed and want to fix things. But he don’t see all this.

He keep on about not doing the divorce. I told him that I would take care of the divorce but that I also have to get our son to therapy twice a week, I have to go check out schools for the kids and decide where they are going to go and that I have to deal with SSI and any and all doctors appointment’s or anything else that comes up. That if I was going to take care of the divorce he needed to take care of finding and checking out schools for the kids that I didn’t have time to do both. That I was fine with doing the divorce just as it was but like the judge said I could come out with a lot more in the end if I had it looked over and talked to someone. That if I had to take my time to fix where he stopped it after I had done took my time to file it and get it in front of the judge and almost had it granted that I would be talking to someone and coming out a lot better off than I would have and probably even better off than I would have back then because we have now been married over 10 years unlike then. That I can come out a lot better off. So if he really wanted me to handle it to start checking schools and I would start taking care of it. He started about don’t’ threaten him and he would call and see but I would probably have to go get the papers. I got the papers and did it all with out him to start with. No one held my hand and got everything for me he needed to figure it out. If things weren’t all turned in and filed by Friday I would assume that he wanted me to handle it and I would be talking to people Monday to see what I needed to do.

He started about how he knew I just wanted to rush this and get him out of the way because there is someone else. I told him unlike him I wasn’t worried about rushing out and finding someone else to be with. That my biggest thing was living like this and having him here. That I hated my life I was mesreable I hated getting up everyday. That it was because of living with him. He said I just need to live like he isn’t here and act as if he wasn’t here. That I needed to think more positive about things. Again why it is all me and nothing to do with him. I told him I knew he was fine with living this way that he didn’t care how anyone else felt or wanted as long as he could be here it didn’t mater how it effected anyone else because that is just how twisted he is. I told him he had never had to live with someone who treated him the way I had been treated talked to the way I been talked to made to feel the way he had made me to feel. He wouldn’t understand. That no matter how much I try to act like he isn’t here the fact is he is and that I can’t just be in my house and be confrable I can’t have friends over that he isn’t right there in the middle of it. I can’t walk through my house with out being touched or grabbed or messed with and told how much he wants sex all the time time. I can’t touch my phone have a phone call or walk out of the house with out being drilled all the time. That no matter what the fact is he is here and life sucks with him here. That I don’t care about being with anyone else or anything else other than having a place with out him here. I told him I want to home school the kids, I think it is the best thing right now but that I can’t do it living like this feeling the way I do. Do you know he didn’t deny any of it or say anything about anything I said. He just said something about me hatting him so much and he didn’t know why I hated him so much. He said something about me not having a job and me being here and not leaving. I told him I wanted out and a way from him so bad that I had looked in to going to shelters many different time and that I had just checked into them again a week or two ago. He said he knew that he had seen me comment on something online about it and how I hadn’t told him. Then back onto him not being wanted and not understanding why I felt the way I felt and blah blah again. Something was said about paying support for the kids and things. I said thats another reason the divorce needs to be done it will decide that once and for all as well. He said I as much as it pains me to say it I know. I will start looking for a place so that I can get out of here and give you your space and see what needs to be done to get the other taken care of. It was all left at that.

I really don’t think he is going to do it but I will believe it when I see it. His actions from the past speak way louder than his words and he never dose what he says. I am going to start looking for places for him and giving them to him. He can go from there. The guy down the road that I said we all help each other out said something the other day about maybe they could get a place and split the rent but I don’t know how that would work. But it isn’t my problem he is a big boy. I told him he could stay here I would try and find me something. I don’t care I just want a way from him. I told him I had even thought about going to sign up for housing. He don’t want me to do that it isn’t in a good area. They are all ways having trouble with drugs and shootings and the like. We shall see what happens. He hasn’t said anything about it today so far. He has been out pretty much all day he was here for about 10 minutes and had to go again. Who knows what tonight will bring. I am not going to go around with him I will go to my room shut the door and go to bed.

Father of the year has been so over bearing the last few weeks I don’t know what his problem is. It started a month or so ago when the kid from a few house down came over. He isn’t a kid he is 28 I think. But me and father of the year have known him since he was about 9 him maybe even longer. He still seems odd when I see him now he is “grown up”. I forget what it was he needed or wanted but he stopped by and father of the year wasn’t here. We talked and I got whatever it was he wanted or answered his question. The kids like to hang out and talk to him. He comes over and we rent him movies and things. If we need help moving something he will come over help him move it. He borrows the lawn mower and things. Just whatever if he needs something we can help we do if we need something he can help he dose. But father of the year don’t like it if he stops by and he isn’t here. I haven’t said anything but I can tell he gets in a mood. He thinks if I talk to a guy I want them or want to get together. I don’t know why I have never been that way and am really picky about who I date and things. Anyone that knows me will tell you before I was married I was single way more than in a relationship and I wasn’t out bed hopping and hooking up with just anyone. But that is how he acts. I don’t know why he thinks he even has room to get mad if I talk to or date anyone we aren’t together and haven’t been for years. But he dose.

I have not been out of the house without the kids in months. The other night when I went out with my friend J for a couple hours and then he text and text wanting to know when I was coming home. I was clothes shopping. Not like we went out to the bar or club. Saturday I got up and left about 9 before anyone got up. He woke up why I was sitting on the couch getting ready to leave. He wanted to know where I was going. I told him to pick up J and find something to do. We had plans Friday but she got really sick. I also picked a friend up and took him to work but I didn’t tell him that I was doing that. I could have it is no big deal his old lady knew I was taking him and everything. But he already makes comments about him and me because we talk. He is the one I have known forever I wrote about before. I didn’t feel like hearing him start about it and bitching. Because he again has no say in who I talk to or what I do. I don’t not tell him because I don’t want him to know or because I am sneaking around. I don’t tell him because he can’t be an adult and say oh ok and go on. He start being really rude and nasty and wants to argue and fight about it.

He keeps asking me who I’m seeing and what’s his name and why don’t I just tell him the truth and stop lieing he isn’t stupid and all this. I am not seeing or talking to anyone at all. I have not been any where to meet anyone I never have more than 5 minutes a way that I don’t have the kids with me. I won’t take my kids around someone I just met. I don’t know when he thinks I have time to meet or talk to someone. He keeps making nasty comments and things. I have bought a few dresses the last couple weeks. I hardly ever wear dresses never really have wore them. But I have one longer one I got when I was pregnant and I were it sometimes and I found a nice one at when I was out shopping with J the other day at the thrift store. It isn’t nothing great it is just a simple white coten longer dress. I like the maxie dresses Iguess they call them. They come down to your feet or about. I don’t like my legs is why I wear pants most the time. I use to have a bunch of long dresses and skirts I would wear. But they wore our or got to small. I have a hard time finding them now that fit right that I like so I don’t buy them. since I have gotten bigger I feel like they just don’t look good. J had been trying to get me to dress sexier and nicer. I really wear nothing but jeans and whatever t shirt I grab and my fli flops all the time. Year round. I use to dress better before I gained so much. When you are depressed you really don’t care what you look like. I  needed new clothes bad I still have a lot I want to lose. I figured if I found a few dresses that looked good I could wear them for a while even after I started losing. Plus it has been really hot and pants are just to hot but I don’t like the way I look in shorts so dresses are better. But he has been in a piss mood and wanting to rub and touch on me. When I push him a way or move it just makes it worse.

I would love to have a relationship like I said in my other post. Not because of sex and things. But as bad as I would like to have one I don’t want one right now. Who is going to want to talk to and be with someone in the situation I am in? If they do they aren’t going to be someone who really cares and wants to stick around or in for anything more than some temporary whatever. If they really were interested in something long term it isn’t fair to them to be in the middle of this all and things the way they are. If they didn’t mind it is wearing and it is only a matter of time before they are gone to. Not that I want to stay in this situation I am working on getting out of it. But until then. I am not looking to get with anyone and moving in with them either. I right now just want to be alone until I am out on my own at least. I really don’t want to live with anyone again maybe ever. If I am in a relationship it would be a really long time before I would consider living together. I like having my space and I need to just have my own place for me and the kids for a while after all that we have been through with living with people moving and everything else the last few years. I need to feel in control for a change not like everything is just up side down and in the air. I need to make my own decisions about things with out having to ask or worry about what someone else is going to say or do. If someone can’t understand that and be ok with it and trust me then I guess they will have to find someone else other than me. Because I have been through to much to make the same mistakes again.

{July 21, 2014}   Put on a good show

I went out with my friend J the other night for a little while. I was looking for some clothes because I have hardly any that aren’t wore out or messed up. I never buy myself clothes until it gets to this point. I had refused to buy any until I lost some weight to. Who am I kidding I am not going to lose the weight until I get out of the situation I am in. You can’t lose very well when you live in a constant state of depression, walking on egg shells, and the never knowing. I know I have tried before and now it just don’t happen for me. I don’t eat like I should and can’t force myself to. I don’t feel like eating 99% of the time and feel sick and full after a few bites when I do.

When things aren’t so stressful I can drop it quick and easy. I can lose  in a couple weeks when I’m not so stressed and depressed.

Anyway she could tell when she got in the truck something was wrong. I told her I am just tired of living like this and I just want him out of my house. She was talking about how we put on such a show and so good acting when people are around. She said we don’t look like a loving couple but we don’t fight or nasty to each other and things. We don’t most the time, there has been a few times that we have gotten into it in front of others. But I try really hard not to make it anymore awkward than what it is and to just have fun and enjoy the company and the change why it last.

But the show is killing me it is a slow and painful death that happens from the inside out. It smothers you and kills your spirits, hopes, dreams and desires. It wears you out brings you down and makes you weak. At times it seems no matter how hard you try you get no where fast. It slowly starts to show in your outward appearance, attitude and outlook on life. It starts to show in your actions and when you speak. It becomes almost impossible to hide how you feel or that there is something wrong. It wears you out putting on the same show day after day, month after month. You get very tired it gets hard to get out of bed in the morning. You get so good at the show that you don’t even think about it your just doing it. It isn’t something that you stop when people aren’t around. You still have the kids there you can’t say  the things you want to say or how you really feel in front of them either. Before you know it you have isolated yourself, you aren’t going out to see friends or take the kids places. You dread going the places you do have to go or getting up in the morning and even being out of the bed. Besides if you are in bed you aren’t preforming you are just resting. But that too has a effect on the kids so you struggle to do what you have to do to get by and try not to effect the kids. But it dose you know it dose all of it effects them no matter how hard you try to act like things are ok.

It is one thing to want that affection, the interaction and elements of a true loving relationship and not having it. But it is worse on a whole different level when you don’t have it and you are living with the one person in this world that you once had that with and you thought you would have that with the rest of your life. having to live with that person who is supposed to give you those things and care about you but who has hurt you so bad and treated you the way they have to the point that you no longer have that. You can’t go to them and talk, or just sit, you can’t go to them and give them a hug or lay down at night and fall a sleep together. To know that they are fine with the way things are and are just happy to be living this way because they don’t want the divorce so anything thing is better than nothing and they will do whatever it takes to keep you here no matter how it effects you or you feel. Everything else I could live with and deal with but living like this with him in the house is really starting to take it’s toll on me, emotionally and physically. I just feel drained.

I was talking to a friend the subject of sex came up. He has been trying to hook up for a while but he just isn’t that kind of friend. We have known each other forever we talk about anything and everything and tell each other everything. But I’m not interested in him that way.

It has been almost two years since I have been with anyone. The last few times were less than good. Once was with RC before he left and it was nothing like it normally was. There was just to much going on. No emotion or connection at all. Then After we split up I went and seen my friend I had before me and RC got together. That night I really couldn’t get into it. I just had that feeling of something being wrong and like I needed to be at home. I ended up leaving later and going home. That is when I found my oldest son on the couch wrapped in a blanket with a 103 fever and father of the year telling me oh he went to sleep at 6. This from the kid who don’t go to bed before 12.

Me and my friend were talking and I told him the thought of sex just seemed like something else to do. He said he bet if I would just do it I would change my mind and maybe that’s why I wouldn’t. It isn’t that I feel I will want it all the time or anything like that.

Really the thought of sex just seems like something else added to the list to do for someone else. I know it isn’t just for someone else it is for me as well but that is just how it feels. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy sex, when I am with someone and there is more to the relationship than just sex.

I just want to be taken care of for a change.

{July 15, 2014}   Getting Closer

Saturday my friend J called me up and said she had something to tell me. I wasn’t sure what to expect at all. She starts telling me that she was online looking around and all of a sudden these pictures of dogs popped up. She started reading and come to find out RC posed them looking for a home for them. He hadn’t posted anything since like June 13. He has been so careful not to post where he is, where or what kind of work he is doing, nothing online for anyone to see that might give it a way where he is. In the post he put his phone number. He didn’t put area code just the number. With in 10 minutes of sitting down at my computer I had a area code and a address. The only thing is I don’t know how long he has had the number so I don’t know if the address is good or not. The address isn’t where he did tell one person he was at. But he may have told them to just through it off and it isn’t that far from where he is.

I also don’t know if they are not moving why he would be getting rid of the dogs. Even if they are moving unless they were going pretty far why they would give them a way. I know before he wouldn’t get rid of the kids dog if he moved local. He moved 3 times I know of and took his dog with him. He didn’t get rid of it until he decided to move out of state. Rumors have been he is coming back here. But I really didn’t think he would because she hated it here and wanted to go home. But I also know that they have been having problems with her family up there. They have don’t like him to start with. But she said something about her mom screwing her over on a title. Guessing for a car. I seen her oldest daughter who is really sick that she took off and left because they didn’t have room for her when she came down here, said something about she knows how it feels to be disowned by your mom or something along them lines from personal experience. I seen the daughter posted a picture and a few people said something about how pretty she was. Her mom said you look like the walking dead. I am guessing they aren’t getting along either.

He may be going to bring them back down here again if things aren’t doing well. He may be going over to GA by his dad but I just don’t see that because him and his dad don’t get along the greatest. Just everything that happen in the past and things. My friend seems to think he may just be moving somewhere local that they can’t have them or they just can’t take care of them anymore. I really don’t think that is the case. I though maybe they were moving in with her mom for a bit and couldn’t have them but I think she would let them keep them and after seeing the other and that they aren’t happy about him being there I don’t think that is it either. I think they are moving off somewhere.

I wasn’t able to today with everything going on father of the year around being nosy. But I am going to get online look up and see who owns the house for that address. I am going to get their information and call them. I am just going to act like I am checking a reference for them and find out if they are living there now or lived there, if they are moving. I am going to try and see if they can tell me where he is working. If they say he is moving if they have a idea where to and when.

If it isn’t for another week or so then I can go to the court house tomorrow and file all the paperwork then go over to the department and have them send it to the right place to have him served. Once he is served it won’t matter if he moves or not he will know there is upcoming court and things and that he has to be there. If he don’t show then I get whatever I ask for in court as far a support and custody. Once the judge hands it down then he will have to come back here and fight to change any of it. Unless he dose move her I don’t think he will just come back here to fight it. I am going to ask for support at least half of daycare and that he carry medical insurance on her and life insurance on himself for so much. I don’t want full custody but if and when he wants to see her I want it to be supervised. I don’t want his girlfriend or mother to come with him. He can bring his daughter with him to see her if he wants. He can come to the house and see her, we can meet at a part or somewhere and if he don’t like that then it can be done through CPS. I am not letting him just walk back in the picture when ever he wants and walk off with her when she don’t know him or to take her around a bunch of drunks and pill poppers. I am hoping he don’t show and I will get what I want. If he shows he will probably fight me on seeing her and it being supervised. I don’t want to keep her from him I never have I have begged him to be a part of her life. If/when he gets his self straightened up and decides he would like that too then I want him to be able to but with measures in place to protect her and that make her conferrable. She shouldn’t have to go off with someone she don’t know and she already has issues being around men she don’t know. I don’t even have to be the one to meet up with him for him to see her if I have friends we both know who would do it.

He may show up to fight and try to say she isn’t his. Then he will fight the rest probably when it comes back and says she is. Because I know 110% there is no chance what so ever she is anyone else. If he don’t show and fight any of it once the order for support is in then they can look him up by Social number find him and where he is working start taking it right from his check. I just hope it is a good address and they are going to be there at least long enough for me to get him served. If not I hope he really dose come right back here. Because then I will have no problem finding him getting all the info and getting it taken care of. I know all the ins and outs here and I know everyone here so he won’t be hard to find. Just like when he lost his job last time I knew right where he was working. I told a friend it was one of two places most likely X place but if not it would be Y and sure enough made a phone call and he was at X place. He is to predictable and don’t know to many people around this area and I now know most of the people he knows in this area.

{July 15, 2014}   Busy For A Monday

Today was a rather busy Monday for us compaired to most. I normaley don’t plan anything for Monday’s or make appoinments on Monday unless I have to. When school is in it is my day to get things together and taken care of from the weekend once the kids are back in school. I try to do a little shopping to get my stuff from the day before’s paper.

Today my youngest had a evaluation to see if he needed a speech eval and services. My daughter made plans for the local ladies to come by and do a bible lesson with her and the roofers came out.

We had to get up early and be at his eval by 9. Father of the year took off work to stay with the other kids because I had no sitter and really couldn’t take them with me. Thank goodness he did because I forgot I had to go there when I told them I would be home for the lesson and for the roofers to come. I couldn’t put off the roofers and I couldn’t put off his speech eval. We have waited months for it and if we put it off they would make us wait months and months longer to get one.

He did pretty good he just has a hard time for people to understand him. He came up for evals in other areas as well. But I am not worried I expected it. Not thrown for a loop shocked or surprised like a lot of people when they have this stuff done and they come up possibly needing more services or needing more. A lot of times they get helper easier if they need more services than if they just need help in one area sad to say. They said we should hear something the first week of August about getting the other testing done. I am hoping he will get to go to school when school starts back. I think he needs it and it will help him in other areas they aren’t even looking at.

The guy said to call him if the roofers weren’t here by 9 but I was at the meeting so I couldn’t really do anything. I figured it would be a little later maybe so I wasn’t to worried about it. I figured if they weren’t here by the time I got home I would call to see why. But they showed up about 10 and got right to work on it. By about 1 they had the dump truck come to clean all the old stuff off. They stayed and worked until about 7 and then the storm rolled in all at once was blowing stuff around and looked like it was going to pour any minute. They cleaned up and said they would be back in the morning to finish. They got everything done but laying two rolls of stuff. Tonight it rained more and we were sitting here at the table and heard another loud crash and looked rotted boards and nasty fell from up there it is leaking in where they didn’t get done. Looks like they put up new boards so I am hoping this isn’t a big deal that fell out. I will have to talk to them tomorrow to let them know before they finish.

At one point some how one of them ran over the electrical cord with the saw and then stuff wasn’t working. He came to the door and asked me if I could flip the breaker off and on or see if it had threw the breaker and turn it on. I went to do it and couldn’t find any breakers for that room. I had to call father of the year and ask him what the heck was going on. I guess when they closed the room in it was easier to run wire and put them on the outside of the house right at the meter. I had to go out and around the house to the box. I wasn’t going out the back door going through all the mess back where the roof as fallen. The guy came down off the roof and was helping me find it and check it. I was standing out there because the other one still couldn’t get the stuff to work. The one who came to the door said it sure smell good in there mam, really good. I said I have dinner in the crock pot making pulled pork. He said really sounded surprised. They got everything going I came back in. I figured they be knocking off soon it was almost 5. They were out there working until almost 7 or after. They came to the door and said they were going to go to the store and get a drink they would be back and wanted to make sure we were going to be here about 6. When they came back is when it started to look bad they rushed to get everything put a way.

I was just getting the kids sat down for dinner when they left to go to the store. I made everyone plates and got some containers and made them both a plate. When they pulled back in I had the older kids take it out to them. They didn’t come back for a while I walked out to see what they were doing. One was on the roof trying to grab everything down and get it put a way before it stormed, they were standing there waiting on him to come down to give it to him. The other guy had walked across the street for something and came back. He took it for him and sat it in the seat of the truck for him. He finally came down we were all talking and they got stuff put a way went to leave, he went to get in the truck and seen the bowl. He picked up and looked he turned around with a big smile and sounded excited he said oh thanks, thanks a lot.

The kids said mom you made them guys a plate? I said yes they been here for about 9 hours or more it is late and I am sure they are hungry. They been working their butts off to try and get this done and they would still be up there if it wasn’t for the storm. I at the time really figured they were going to be here longer working on it no one expected the storm it was nice and bright out. I figured they could take time to eat at least have something to hold them over until they could go home. But it didn’t matter either way. I always have extra. I have always cooked for 4 adults before me and father of the year got to gather. Even when it was just the two of us I would make more than we needed. We would just heat it up for another night or lunch. I try not to make to much but then it seems like it isn’t enough. As the kids have started getting older and eating more the extra I use to have I don’t anymore and sometimes come up just having enough. I have started making more now and I am back to having extra again. I like to know I will have some extra in case someone stops over you want to ask them to stay or like tonight you want to make a plat for someone.

Hope it was good nothing fancy mac cheese and store bought coleslaw. The pulled pork didn’t seem to taste as good as it smelled. I just can’t seem to get it one time it comes out great full of flavor the next time it comes out dry and kind of blah. it was in between this time.

et cetera
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