I was just over his comments and rude remarks and hounding me about there being someone else last night so I called him out on it. He was nasty all evening when dinner was being made. Then off and on the rest of the night. He started about a pair of glasses I bought a yard sale because they looked like guys glasses. I just got them because they were cheap and did the job. I never pay over a $1 or so for them when I get them. Between me losing them, them getting tossed around the truck or the kids getting a hold of them they don’t last I don’t want to spend a bunch on something that is going to get lost or broken. I had just seen a pair at the little store I liked for $20 but wouldn’t pay it so I grabbed them when we stopped. I didn’t like them after I got them and tried to wear them and just left them in the consoul of the truck. He went somewhere and before he pulled out of the drive way he was calling wanting to know where they came from and who’s they were. Mind you they are in my truck and have nothing to do with him. I am supposed to answer him but he has still yet to tell me where the women’s pants came from that I found under the seat of my truck when he borrowed it and disappeared for two hours. Then he was like well I will take them and use them at work if your not going to wear them. If I’m allowed to do that. I guess he thought he was going to catch me in a lie or something. He figured if they were someone else and he said that I would have to tell him and not let him have them. I said I don’t care I don’t want them they don’t fit me right after I got them. He acted like he didn’t like it when I said that. Because he wanted to push me into having to tell him they were someone else and it didn’t work. They aren’t but he had it set in his mind there is someone else like I said in the last post.

I was in mine and the baby’s room laying down with her and he came in there for something and huffed back out. I finally text him and asked him what his problem was. He said he was over it the way I treat him how I act like he isn’t worth being with and all this. I asked him what he was talking about he was the one walking around here treating me the way he was. That I didn’t want to be with him hadn’t for a very long time that if I did I would have never told him to leave to start with he knew all this. He started about how he still loves me how he wants us to be together but I won’t change my mind and do things different. He had the nerve to say I throw us a way because after begging for like two years for him to have something to do with me I decided I deserved better and could do better and if I had no one I wasn’t going to be treated the way he was treating me. He started about how jeaules he is, he don’t want me to find someone else. He don’t want the divorce he don’t believe in it. I told him he should have though about that all the time I asked him to fix things and how he ignored them until I did leave and still didn’t really try to fix them. I told him that he didn’t have to believe in it he just needed to get it fixed and granted. He said he wasn’t fixing it because he didn’t believe in it I wasn’t going to turn it around and say he did it he wanted it. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that that everyone knew I wanted it everyone knew and could see that I was the one who filed for it and that I had no problem telling anyone that I was the one who did it. That he should already know that because I do now. We went back and forth for hours at that point about everything and how I won’t change I won’t change my mind. Because I have done everything I told him I was going to do if he didn’t change things. He says he has but I am still sitting here unable to work because he don’t come home at a decent time to watch the the kids. We can’t afford to pay someone right now until I get back to work. He still talks to me and treats me like he has been the way he talked and treated me when I was pregnant don’t say I love you I want you back. Screaming at me in the middle of the yard why I am trying to leave calling me a cunt and everything else and then asking me to give you money for food and go get it don’t say I changed and want to fix things. But he don’t see all this.

He keep on about not doing the divorce. I told him that I would take care of the divorce but that I also have to get our son to therapy twice a week, I have to go check out schools for the kids and decide where they are going to go and that I have to deal with SSI and any and all doctors appointment’s or anything else that comes up. That if I was going to take care of the divorce he needed to take care of finding and checking out schools for the kids that I didn’t have time to do both. That I was fine with doing the divorce just as it was but like the judge said I could come out with a lot more in the end if I had it looked over and talked to someone. That if I had to take my time to fix where he stopped it after I had done took my time to file it and get it in front of the judge and almost had it granted that I would be talking to someone and coming out a lot better off than I would have and probably even better off than I would have back then because we have now been married over 10 years unlike then. That I can come out a lot better off. So if he really wanted me to handle it to start checking schools and I would start taking care of it. He started about don’t’ threaten him and he would call and see but I would probably have to go get the papers. I got the papers and did it all with out him to start with. No one held my hand and got everything for me he needed to figure it out. If things weren’t all turned in and filed by Friday I would assume that he wanted me to handle it and I would be talking to people Monday to see what I needed to do.

He started about how he knew I just wanted to rush this and get him out of the way because there is someone else. I told him unlike him I wasn’t worried about rushing out and finding someone else to be with. That my biggest thing was living like this and having him here. That I hated my life I was mesreable I hated getting up everyday. That it was because of living with him. He said I just need to live like he isn’t here and act as if he wasn’t here. That I needed to think more positive about things. Again why it is all me and nothing to do with him. I told him I knew he was fine with living this way that he didn’t care how anyone else felt or wanted as long as he could be here it didn’t mater how it effected anyone else because that is just how twisted he is. I told him he had never had to live with someone who treated him the way I had been treated talked to the way I been talked to made to feel the way he had made me to feel. He wouldn’t understand. That no matter how much I try to act like he isn’t here the fact is he is and that I can’t just be in my house and be confrable I can’t have friends over that he isn’t right there in the middle of it. I can’t walk through my house with out being touched or grabbed or messed with and told how much he wants sex all the time time. I can’t touch my phone have a phone call or walk out of the house with out being drilled all the time. That no matter what the fact is he is here and life sucks with him here. That I don’t care about being with anyone else or anything else other than having a place with out him here. I told him I want to home school the kids, I think it is the best thing right now but that I can’t do it living like this feeling the way I do. Do you know he didn’t deny any of it or say anything about anything I said. He just said something about me hatting him so much and he didn’t know why I hated him so much. He said something about me not having a job and me being here and not leaving. I told him I wanted out and a way from him so bad that I had looked in to going to shelters many different time and that I had just checked into them again a week or two ago. He said he knew that he had seen me comment on something online about it and how I hadn’t told him. Then back onto him not being wanted and not understanding why I felt the way I felt and blah blah again. Something was said about paying support for the kids and things. I said thats another reason the divorce needs to be done it will decide that once and for all as well. He said I as much as it pains me to say it I know. I will start looking for a place so that I can get out of here and give you your space and see what needs to be done to get the other taken care of. It was all left at that.

I really don’t think he is going to do it but I will believe it when I see it. His actions from the past speak way louder than his words and he never dose what he says. I am going to start looking for places for him and giving them to him. He can go from there. The guy down the road that I said we all help each other out said something the other day about maybe they could get a place and split the rent but I don’t know how that would work. But it isn’t my problem he is a big boy. I told him he could stay here I would try and find me something. I don’t care I just want a way from him. I told him I had even thought about going to sign up for housing. He don’t want me to do that it isn’t in a good area. They are all ways having trouble with drugs and shootings and the like. We shall see what happens. He hasn’t said anything about it today so far. He has been out pretty much all day he was here for about 10 minutes and had to go again. Who knows what tonight will bring. I am not going to go around with him I will go to my room shut the door and go to bed.

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