I went out with my friend J the other night for a little while. I was looking for some clothes because I have hardly any that aren’t wore out or messed up. I never buy myself clothes until it gets to this point. I had refused to buy any until I lost some weight to. Who am I kidding I am not going to lose the weight until I get out of the situation I am in. You can’t lose very well when you live in a constant state of depression, walking on egg shells, and the never knowing. I know I have tried before and now it just don’t happen for me. I don’t eat like I should and can’t force myself to. I don’t feel like eating 99% of the time and feel sick and full after a few bites when I do.

When things aren’t so stressful I can drop it quick and easy. I can lose  in a couple weeks when I’m not so stressed and depressed.

Anyway she could tell when she got in the truck something was wrong. I told her I am just tired of living like this and I just want him out of my house. She was talking about how we put on such a show and so good acting when people are around. She said we don’t look like a loving couple but we don’t fight or nasty to each other and things. We don’t most the time, there has been a few times that we have gotten into it in front of others. But I try really hard not to make it anymore awkward than what it is and to just have fun and enjoy the company and the change why it last.

But the show is killing me it is a slow and painful death that happens from the inside out. It smothers you and kills your spirits, hopes, dreams and desires. It wears you out brings you down and makes you weak. At times it seems no matter how hard you try you get no where fast. It slowly starts to show in your outward appearance, attitude and outlook on life. It starts to show in your actions and when you speak. It becomes almost impossible to hide how you feel or that there is something wrong. It wears you out putting on the same show day after day, month after month. You get very tired it gets hard to get out of bed in the morning. You get so good at the show that you don’t even think about it your just doing it. It isn’t something that you stop when people aren’t around. You still have the kids there you can’t say  the things you want to say or how you really feel in front of them either. Before you know it you have isolated yourself, you aren’t going out to see friends or take the kids places. You dread going the places you do have to go or getting up in the morning and even being out of the bed. Besides if you are in bed you aren’t preforming you are just resting. But that too has a effect on the kids so you struggle to do what you have to do to get by and try not to effect the kids. But it dose you know it dose all of it effects them no matter how hard you try to act like things are ok.

It is one thing to want that affection, the interaction and elements of a true loving relationship and not having it. But it is worse on a whole different level when you don’t have it and you are living with the one person in this world that you once had that with and you thought you would have that with the rest of your life. having to live with that person who is supposed to give you those things and care about you but who has hurt you so bad and treated you the way they have to the point that you no longer have that. You can’t go to them and talk, or just sit, you can’t go to them and give them a hug or lay down at night and fall a sleep together. To know that they are fine with the way things are and are just happy to be living this way because they don’t want the divorce so anything thing is better than nothing and they will do whatever it takes to keep you here no matter how it effects you or you feel. Everything else I could live with and deal with but living like this with him in the house is really starting to take it’s toll on me, emotionally and physically. I just feel drained.

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