{August 28, 2014}   Too Sick

I finally have a few minutes to stop and post. I have been dealing with really sick kids for a week or so now. As it slowly went through all 4 kids they decided to share with me as well. I just in the last 24 hours have started to feel human again. At lest 3 of the kids seem to be feeling a lot better. My poor itty bitty seems like she is having a backlash I don’t understand why she isn’t done with the meds yet. Guess we will be going back to the doctor if things don’t seem to be turning around tomorrow.

Just as I started to get everything caught up with my 30 day challenge this hit. I’m not even going to try to catch up this time there is to many days gone. I am just going to pick up where I left off and go from there until I finish it. Better than quitting and giving it up. Right now I must go see what the thump was and why the baby is now crying.

I feel that addiction is a sickness, that can take over someone with out them even realising until it is to late. I’m sure that most people did not set out to be come addicted to some anything. I think they made some not so great decisions that ended in something completely unexpected. It is something that is very hard to over come and most will struggle their entire life to either become clean or stay clean. A lot of people do not want these people around and feel that they will do all kinds of horrible things when they are on their drug of choice. Or that they are just not worthy of being around because they could just do like everyone else if they really wanted to or worried they may steal from them or bring the wrong people around. While yes some of this is true to a point we can’t just turn our backs on these people either. No i am not going to invite them to come hang out at my house around my kids high or to do their drugs in my home or have it around me or my children. But at the same time if they are trying to straighten up, get clean, change their ways, or whatever you want to call it then I am not going to shun them because of their past. No matter how resent it may or may not have been. Just because they stray and maybe use again along the way don’t make them a bad person or mean they are not trying. It just means they are human and like the rest of us they trip along the way.

I had a friend that I was trying to help years back. He was a friends son and even though I had known her for a long time I had not met him until much later. He didn’t live far but he wasn’t around much he worked and things had his own place already when we met. I lost contact with her for a while and in the mean time her daughter had a medical procedure done and passed a way from compilations. She was doing better but still had her days and her son was staying with her and her other son off and on. I met him and father of the year had met him before and knew him as well. I didn’t know he knew them either when we first got together. But we started taking him to church with us and letting him come over and hang out. He would come stay the night or stay the weekend and we would sit up and play games watch movies and go do stuff. The kids loved having him over he would play with them and run around with like a kid. It was sad because he told me his problem started after his sister passed a way. They were really close and he got really depressed. His mom fell into a bad depression as well. She started taking something for it and started giving him some of hers instead of taking him to get help. It just snow balled from there.

When I met RC I had no idea about his problem and never suspected a thing. Then look at everything I found, figured out and was told once shit hit the fan. He still denies it to the last day I seen him over a year ago.

I know they are both really good people but when you self medicate it turns into a really bed situation that gets out of hand very fast and is hard to come back from. This is one big reason I do not take pain pills for my back, and don’t go get something to help with depression. I know that I could really benifit from something to help with depression and stress at times. There are days that I can hardly move and could take a pill and feel so much better. But what happens when that one pill stops helping with the depression or that little pill stops helping with the pain? They up your amount or they change it to something stronger before you know it you are addicted and you can’t get off them if you want to. They say they help you slowly come off of them but your body has gotten so dependent on it that you have to keep taking them. It just isn’t good for your health to take them all the time either. I have more good days than bad right now and I can still move I haven’t gotten so bad I can’t function or move with out taking something. I am just holding off and waiting praying that there doesn’t come a time that the bad days out number the good and if it dose it don’t last long. That the pain stays it a point I can handle it and not get down and unable to do anything. I pray that as the pain grows my pain tolerance grows with it. Because I don’t know if I can bring myself to take something all the time for either one. I will take something for my back once in a great great while.

Alcohol is ok in moderation and if you can handle it.  I don’t think a drink or two or beer or two a night is horrible. As long as you aren’t getting drunk every night or you can’t not drink because of getting sick or not being able to function with out it. Even to go out or stay home with friends it isn’t a big deal if you have a few more than normal or what. You just have to know your limits and make sure that you are drinking safely and not driving or responsible for taking care of kids and things if you are going to have more than a few once in a while. I know people who drink beer like it is cool aid and that is crazy and sad. To think how much they drink in a day and how it is effecting them. How they can’t live or function with out it. I just don’t get it. I like to drink once in a while and use to have one in the evenings with RC most the time when he would come home and we got the kids to bed. We would sit and talk. Sometimes I would have a couple. He would come home and make me a drink why I was making dinner or something. But we never had more than a couple if we had the kids with us and even if we didn’t we were always able to go and get them if need be.

I do feel that if you are trying to quite anything be it drugs or achlahal you can’t get rid of one and replace it with the other or something else like it to try and get clean. I know my friend went from the drugs to drinking to try to help things. It didn’t help anything he just became a drunk. One of the reasons I stopped letting him come to my house. He got to where he just wanted to come over so he could drink because his mom and brother wouldn’t let him drink at their house. I didn’t hardly ever drink back then and didn’t drink in front of my kids at all. I told him he couldn’t come there and drink either if I wasn’t doing it in front of my kids he couldn’t either. I know RC had started to drink a lot for a little bit there before we got to together I also think he had stopped the pills for a little while why we were together. I think he was trying to quite the one and cut back on the other when we got together. He was doing pretty good.

I know I am probably one of the very few who look at it this way and feel this way about them. But I have seen a lot from dealing with both first hand and not just from dealing with these two but many others in my family, friends and work. 98 % aren’t bad people they are just sick people who are fighting to over come something they unknowingly let over come them.

1. If you haven’t read the brand new blog by my friend you need to go check her out and welcome her to the blogging world. findingmeafterdivorce We worked next to each other about 9 years ago. I was so sad to when she moved a way and still miss her.

2. This is a blog I found not long after joining WordPress myself and was so relieved when I did. I sat down and have read every post from the beginning and continue to follow and read. Reading through a lot of her post I feel that I could have written them. Passive Aggressive Abuse

3. I have just started following this blog not that long ago but really enjoy it. having a son with disability myself I admire her strength in taking care of 5 kids. Raising 5 Kids With Disabilities and Remaining Sane Blog

4. Another one I have just started following but like her views on life and the happenings in it. Roadkill Goldfish

5. LadyRomp is always there with an inspiring quote and bringing light to things going on around the world. To try and improve things for women of all ages.

{August 19, 2014}   First Days Of School

Yesterday was the first day of school here for all the kids but kindergarten and pre k. My kids should have went back today but we instead went to lunch and shopping. We are going to start school September 2, . It was nice not having to wake up early and fight with the kids to get dressed and rush around to catch the bus and run to god knows where to get the other one to school on time. The after school waiting in lines that go for blocks in the heat with the kids crying they want to go home and they want out of their seats to run around and play.

The kids didn’t seem to even notice that school had went back. It never really came up. When we were eating the waitress asked something about their first day. They just kind of looked funny and looked at me like they didn’t know what to say. Like they were going to be in trouble for not being in school. I just said we are home schooling this year our first day is in September. Later the cashier at the store said something to my daughter and she said we are home schooling we start next month. The cashier was young she looked a little surprised and like she wasn’t sure what to say. She then said something about lucky for her and to enjoy the rest of her summer.

I can’t wait to start school but I can at the same time. I just wish I could move before we start or he would move one before we start. It would be a lot better. I wouldn’t feel so stressed and we all wouldn’t feel like we are walking on eggshells all the time. I gave them their first assignment to do the blog thing because they pestered me and wanted to start school. It would let them get them up and going before they had to start adding to them all the time. He said it was to advanced for them. I have sat here and printed a months worth of work off for September. He sits here and says it looks like a lot of work to be done in that time and how it looks like it is going to be hard for them. He had no clue what it is or what they are going to be doing. Nor dose he have any idea what grade level the work is on. All that I have printed off is for their grade level. It looks like a lot because there is a lot of it that is reading and pictures and pages to go over what to do and how to teach the lesson. A lot of it covers the same things just different lessons to go along with it. A lot of it is stuff to talk about and do together in class not really written work. Some of it is projects, drawing and crafting stuff. Not a lot of writing at all. But he don’t know because he hasn’t looked at the first page of it. I sat here the other night and tried to show him and he didn’t pay attrition at all. Then he starts telling me on the phone how they could do a lesson on what he dose for work and what all he has to know and do and things. They always ask about what he dose and things if a lesson was put together on it then they would know what he dose and why/how. He acted like he didn’t like it when I didn’t seem interested in putting it together or messing with it. Sure its a ok idea but I have enough to take care of and teach. I know nothing about it and according to him what I put together for them to do is to hard.

Here is my Sunday post a bit late. I am just going to catch up and go from today.

3:30 am go to bed after a long day of running around and trying to get things taken care of.

7:00 am woke up by the baby who refuses to go back to sleep in her bed. She stands and screams at me across the room until I let her into my bed. I am not feeling good and my back is killing me. I have a spot that catches and makes me feel sick and causes me to have a lot of pain.

7:30 am she is finally asleep and I go to my other daughters bed to lay down for a little bit to try and get my back to stop hurting. She stayed with her great grandma so she wasn’t home. I wanted to get up at 8 and get everyone ready and out the door by 9.

10 am wake up to the phone ringing, it’s my daughter I over slept by two hours. Get everyone up and ready and out the door by 10:30.

10:30 to 11:30 is spent in the truck going to pay the water bill and father of the year paying car insruce as we head to his job.

11:30 am we get to his job to pick up the truck he is supposed to drop off on the way. He comes out and says that they were wrong it wasn’t going down where we were going but it was going an hour or more a way to another county no where near where we were going. He told them we had things to do and he couldn’t do that. Then they ask him if he can be back and have it over there before 5. Um no not at the time it is now and what we have to do.

12:30 we picked up my oldest and went to have lunch at their Favorited place to eat. We don’t go to often because it is a ways from us but I had been wanting to take a day and spend down there going to some of the shops and things so I decided that is what we would do for the first day back to school. It would be less crowed and easier to shop unlike over the summer.

1:30 pm to about 4:30 pm we spend shopping and looking for school stuff. We found three bags of nice books we could use for school. Was happy to find that I got $12 worth of books for $5 they were having some kind of sale.

5:00 pm we got back to my grandma’s and she needed to go shopping. I thought we were going to one store and we ended up having to go across town to the other and doing a full shopping trip.

8:15 I back track and get to one of the stores we forgot to stop at on the way back on our trip. I got there just before they closed and only to find out that they didn’t have what I was looking for. They only carry some right at back to school time and it isn’t in the theme I am looking for.

9:02 pm I get to the other store to get my white board I need just in time to find out they closed at 9 not 10. at that point I said just forget it and go home. I was tired and wore out and very aggravated  that I had not gotten the things I needed to do done yet another day.

10:00 pm We just came home made dinner and I spent the rest of the evening watching a movie with my big boy.

1:00 am I sent the boys to bed and say down to do my update on here and relised I had messed up. I was trying to type up a post and couldn’t hold my eyes open so I went to bed.

{August 19, 2014}   One Long Day

Last night was the first night I had went to bed before 4 am. It was 1:30 am even then. When I do I don’t sleep good and am awake off and on all night. Last night I went to bed and was for the first time sleeping good. My son came in about an hour after I went to bed and woke me up and after that I didn’t sleep good and was up and down. I am so tired and just wore out. I just want to go to bed go to sleep and sleep with out having to worry about when the kids are going to get up or having to be somewhere or anything else. I just want to go to bed and know that I can go to sleep and sleep as long as I need to  so I don’t feel this way.

Half the time I have no clue what day it is or if I am coming or going. Now with father of the year changing jobs it worse. I am up later. I use to stay up late but I was still in bed most nights by 1 or 2 nothing to horrible. Then with job change and trying to get ready for the kids schooling it has gotten to be 4-6 before I am going to bed. Then I am up with kids by 8 most days. If I am lucky I get a couple hours sleep with out waking up for something or being woke up. most the time not so even the 2 to 4 hours I may get is broken up and not a good few hours of sleep. I am use to being up late and only getting 4 hours of sleep or so. But I am not use to not being able to sleep or it being so broken up once I get to go to bed. I feel like I just take a bunch of little naps through the week and that I don’t ever really sleep. I am to the point I feel like it is just one long day that never seems to end. Everything is starting to fall apart and that is stressing me out even more. I have no motivation to do anything about it. I’m just so tired I drag to get the things that have to be done around here done.

I need furniture and things moved around and different stuff done. Father of the year isn’t home in between calls any more through out the day and is out until late most nights so he has dropped the ball on the things he is supposed to be taking care of and left it for me to pick up and do like always. A lot of it is stuff that has to be done to be able to take care of other things around the house that has to be done so if I don’t do it then important things can’t be done.  I tell him and tell him I need stuff moved that I can’t left and move or the stuff he is supposed to do needs to be done so that we can do the things we need to do. I hear I’m tired now that he has moved job’s I hear how tired he is and how he don’t have time he is never here and when he is it’s so late. He don’t get weekends off any more. He works 6 days on 24/7 and gets 2 days off. He isn’t just in town here going to the little cities or what he is going all over the state and counties a way. When he gets back he is sent out of county again or farther a way than what he normely went so any free time he would have is spent driving to get to where he needs to be and then back. Where before he ran a few miles done the job and was free to come home or do whatever til the next job comes up. Now he is driving to drop on or driving to come back from a drop and there are calls waiting for him when he gets back.

Don’t get me wrong I love that he is gone most the time now for days at a time other than a hour here or there. But it aggravates me that he isn’t doing his part and keeping up with it. That it is all being dumped on me to take care of. When I was gone 50/60 hours a week I was still coming home cleaning and doing stuff around the house and staying up all night with a kid who didn’t sleep. All while he didn’t work and could sleep after the kids got to school or could be cleaning up during the day. I just want to move. I just want to find a place and get a way from him. Even if we do take care of it all he comes in and trashes shit and leaves it all he dose when he is here is bitch about why this is this way and that is that way and the kids not doing anything. When he has no clue the kids have really started stepping up and helping and doing more stuff around. But because when he comes in what he feels should be done or what he wants done I should say isn’t he gets all pissed off but he isn’t here doing anything. On his two days off the last two days he did nothing but make dinner and has left the kitchen trashed for someone else to take care of. No help doing anything else around the house. Make excuses why we don’t need to move it and why he don’t want it that way. I don’t see where he should have any say he isn’t here doing anything. Just like bitching and having a fit that this or that isn’t done how he things it should be or not at all. Where dose he have room to come in here and talk and bitch when he isn’t doing anything? We are doing it we should have things the way we want them and the way it works best for all of us if we are the one keeping up with everything and doing it. There are 5 of us who are here 24/7 now and have to do school here and everything. He isn’t her he shouldn’t worry about how anything is but his room and his stuff in it. The rest of the stuff is mine and the kids anyway not like it is his.

We are trying to see what the checks are going to be like since he gets paid every two weeks. He just got paid Friday but either all or part of that check for for when he was in the other job. By the next check we should know pretty much what he is going to make every two weeks and I now he has days off during the week so he can’t make excuses that he can’t get time off. We are going to finish this divorce. I seen a sign yesterday that said divorce for $99 I told him he needed to just go get a new pack of papers and pay them to fill it out and turn it in make sure it is all done right then we should be able to get a court date with no problems. He said ok so we will see. He said it would probably be more I told him not if he wasn’t going to fight it. He says that is what we will do. I hope he dose we should have no problem with the money and doing it then either. This new position we are one step closer to moving and being out of this mess once and for all thank god.

Some how I got behind on my blog Challenge. I think what happen was I sat down and posted one then started the next days because it was so late. When I was done it was the next day so I went ahead and posted it too. Then with not sleeping and everything running together I got confused what day it was and what day I really posted and thought I was covered for all but yesterdays. I sat down late last night to do it and noticed I needed two not one. I started trying to put it together and was passing out so I went to bed and figured it was already so late I would just figure it out today and get back on track. After I feed the kids and get some things picked up I will be back to figure out where I messed and how I am going to fix it.

Today my challenge is to talk about my how I feel about my body. I use to be very tiny like 120 lbs is the most I ever weighed before I had kids. After I had my first two I got back down to 130 lbs and stalled. I couldn’t lose it I didn’t worry about it to much it wasn’t that big of a deal. The year before I got pregnant with my 3 rd I started a exercise  class and was trying to eat better. I figured that extra 30 I had been carrying around would come off with no problem. Boy was I wrong, I gained another 35 lbs in one month. After a couple of months I stopped the class and was just really unhappy. It wasn’t so much I was upset about not losing the 30 but more upset that I again 35 more. I went on to gain another 30 over the course of the next 4 months. I was the biggest I had ever been pregnant or not pregnant. Everyone asked me for a year if I was I felt horrible. The next year I did get pregnant and hardly anyone noticed or asked because I had just been getting fat. I blew up to 198 lbs when I was pregnant. After I had the baby I was never able to get down past 165. I hate it. I went on and got pregnant with my 4 th and lost down to 135 before I shot back up to 175. I am now 16 months later still only down to 165 lbs.

I don’t like that I am 165 lbs by far. But I am ok with it. Really the only thing that really bothers me is my stomach. I hate my stomach. I still have that baby pooch that kind of sags. That is my biggest thing I stuggle with when it comes to my body. Other than that I am ok with it. I have always said if I could take the fat/flab from my stomach and inject it into my boobs I would be ok. I am ok with my boobs it would just make it easier to find clothes that fit better if they were a little bit bigger. I don’t want them huge but just a tad bigger so that things don’t look so big on me in the chest. But if I could only change one thing it would be my stomach and I would be happy with the rest of it. I am sure once me and the kids get a place we will be happy more relaxed and I will probably lose the extra I would like to lose. Until then I am just going to continue to be happy with the body I have and make the best of it.


Today’s challenge was to post something I ate today. I got to thinking about it and this is all I have eaten today two slices of peperoni pizza. I don’t know why I hadn’t eaten anything else today but I don’t eat much most days. I don’t feel hungry and nothing sounds good. I get busy and just don’t even think about it most the time until I am making dinner. It isn’t looking very good right now but it was before it sat forever and got cold.

1. I think my biggest pet peeve is someone asking me something over and over again. When they change how they ask and ask it again after you have answered them 50 times before. Father of the year does this all the time and then gets mad when I get pissed off and say something. It’s like if you are not getting the answer you want asking 20 more times is not going to get it either.

2. When people come from behind you and try to fly up past your when thy know that lane is about to end when they get in it. They think because their lane is ending you will let them over. I just keep going like I don’t see them there and make them get back behind me. It’s great when there are like 20 cars behind me and they can’t get back in until they all pass. So now they are even farther back than they would have been if they had just stayed behind me.

3. people who ride these little scooter moped things on roads that they really shouldn’t be on. If it can’t do the speed limit of the road you shouldn’t be out there. You are going to be like a bug on a win-shield one of these days. It really irritates me that the police see them go around them and say nothing. It’s a 70 mph zone they are lucky if they are doing 40.

4. When people are late, don’t show up or call you at the last minute and cancel. Like the other day a friend was supposed to go with me and the kids to the flea market. They asked if they could go with us when they heard us talking about it. No problem I didn’t mind at all. Then the day we are supposed to go we are all ready and getting ready to get in the truck I text to tell them we will be there in a minute. They live few houses down. They text back to say they aren’t going. They couldn’t let me know the night before or some time before I was walking out the door to go? I would have seen if someone else wanted to go. I was already going to buy they asked if they could so I didn’t. It didn’t matter to me who went. Just someone to go to talk to things. I have another friend who lives about 10 mile or more a way and more than once has she let me get up get everyone ready and get half way to her house before she tells me she isn’t going. I know she has been up for hours or more so she could have sent a message when she got up or about the time she thought I should be getting up so that I could get to her on time. That really pisses me off. A lot of times it would be to help her do something or we got up to go early because she couldn’t go later. Where as me and the kids could have slept in  later or done other things we wanted to do first. But didn’t so we could do something with them.

5. People who lie and think that you have no clue and your dumb enough to believe it. The ones who say oh just let it go don’t say anything for whatever reason. No I’m not stupid and your a horrible lire or the lie you are telling is just that bad or I already know. I am not going to sit there why they try to play me for a fool. I will call a lire on a lie so fast. Then they sit there look at you all dumb or get mad you called them out and now everyone knows. To bad shouldn’t have lied.

If I won the lottery I wouldn’t tell anyone. I would go buy the truck I have wanted for a long time. I would take it and have it checked from bumper to bumper top to bottom for anything that maybe wrong with it and have it fixed. Then I would pack just the personal things me and the kids wanted to keep and put them in storage. After that I would load the kids up and we would go on a road trip we could all pick a state we wanted to see and go check it out. Make some stops in whatever states we had to go through to get to where we wanted to go. Really check it out and all the different areas. We would check out schools, and places to live and what it had to offer. Once we had checked out all the places we wanted to go we would come home decide where we wanted to live. Get our stuff out of storage and go back. I would want to be out of town a little bit so that we could pretty much do whatever and not be bothered. I don’t like living right next to people. I would buy a very large piece of property and have my dream house build on it. Then I would set up areas for other houses and things to be put on it as well for family and friends. Who ever wanted to come up and live by us. We could have out own little town. I would bring my dad and get him his own place and my mom and my grandparents. My sister and things if she wanted to come.

I would also like to donate and help other people or start some kind of place to help people. I would like to help teens and teen mom’s young families who are working and trying to make it. Maybe build some kind of apartments or living places they can stay in for so long to help them get going.

I would make sure that all the kids in the family had collage funds set up. That way when they finished school if they wanted to go to collage they could. If they didn’t then they could use the money to buy a house or car. I wouldn’t have it set up where they could just get the money to do whatever they wanted to with it. I would want it to go for something to help them not just to spend to party or on new games clothes or whatever else they may find to spend it on.

I would put a lot of it a way for and save it and only put some much a month to be spent. This way it would last a while.


et cetera
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