Have you ever just out of the blue thought of someone and thought they are sick with or going to dying of something? I mean someone you haven’t seen or talk to in a while or know anything about any more really? The other night after everyone went to bed I was up late as always unable to sleep. I went in the bathroom to get a shower and was thinking about what I needed to do to get stuff ready for the kids so they can start their school work. I have put it off and put it off and I have to get it done. All of a sudden from no where this little voice said RC is going to die of liver failure. I just thought probably if he keeps doing the things he is doing and went on. But thought it was odd that when I wasn’t even thinking about him hadn’t in a while really. I tried to get his address but he had moved. I have been to busy to try and track it any more. I felt with all the changes going on here right now I should just give it a little more time until I get everything settled. There is nothing to use in court. Not that he really has anything anyway when I am the one that has been here 24/7 since day one with her and he has only seen her a few hours one time at the most.

But twice since then random times when I am doing things it has happen. The other night I was sitting on the computer looking around on facebook and just not doing anything. This thought or whatever you want to call it popped in my head. But this time it was more definite it was RC is dying of liver problems. The thought I had yesterday was you need to talk to him, don’t wait and try to find him just pick up the phone and call him. All kind of like when I wrote Pray. Something keeps pushing me to just. It isn’t like they are just things that cross my mind or what these are like things said clear as day as if someone walked up to you and said hey did you hear about so and so. You may want to call them or whatever. I know I couldn’t talk to him if I did call him probably because of her. I thought about just calling to see if he answers and if it is still his number. Then maybe just sending a text or something but I don’t even know what I would say to him. Hey are you dying I keep thinking about it and have this feeling that you are. So how’s your liver have you killed it yet? Ok ok that is just wrong but you know really. I don’t wish anything bad on him or to happen to him. I really would like for things to change one day and my daughter get to know her dad and have some kind of relationship with that side of the family. The normal not crazy ones that is.

I just don’t know I really had just decided to leave it alone and not mess with it. Things are going good and really falling into place and starting to turn around for me and my kids. If he is sick what can I do? What am I supposed to do? Do I need that stress in my life right now and dealing with it if he is and if he isn’t what may come of it if I do get a hold of him. As much as I feel he needs to do his part and we could use it I just feel that right now I am being told it isn’t the right time to pursue that avenue for whatever reason. But then why am I having all these thoughts and things? I’m sure if something is wrong with him he will end up in a hospital or some kind of care place because she isn’t going to take care of him and he will be of no use to her any more. But there is really nothing I could do about that or be obligated to do after the way he has done us. Then i think maybe I should just go with it and see what happens. Every other time I go with what I want and not what I know I should be or don’t follow my gut feeling then everything falls apart. I am just torn what all this means. It is probably all nothing but then why am I thinking it and have the feelings I do?

Please don’t think that anything I have said here is meant that I don’t care or I think that it is funny or anything like that. I am just being very honest that I don’t know what to say to him if I was to call. It would be very sad if something is wrong. But I don’t know what I can do if anything is wrong or that I should the way things are and have been and went. I don’t know what to do, I’m just going to pray about it and see what happens from there.

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