{November 29, 2014}   Doing Without Yet Again

Let me say I am very thankful that we have a home this year and are getting ready to put up a tree and things. The last two years for the first time ever my kids didn’t have a home and were not able to put up their tree and decorate like they have always done. It was a very hard time for us both years.

It really isn’t the fact that it is Christmas so much as it is a all the time thing. It just makes me so mad right now because it is Christmas. I sit her wanting to get things and do things with the kids and can’t because I have to worry about money and making the bills. Once I do that then I can hopeful get them each something.

But we are paying $200 a month in car repairs for a car that isn’t ours and we don’t even have. We are going to be paying on it until the $2000 is paid off. We sit here with one car to use for everything. That $2000 could have gotten us another car. But We don’t have $200 a month extra put out even one month much every month until this is paid back. A couple months ago father of the year hit a car at the car auction with the wrecker. He messed up the tailgate and stuff he say. I don’t know I didn’t see it. They said it wasn’t even supposed to be parked there because it was hanging into the area to drive. He didn’t hear anything about it for a month or so. Now the other week they in form him that it cost $2000 to fix it and they are taking $100 ever two weeks until he gets it paid off. Right at Christmas time when we are already having to put out money we don’t really have extra of.

So now on top of already trying to budget and stretch what we have it is now $200 less a month. That right there is my light bill or my water, phone and internet bill for the month with a couple dollars left over. I could have juggled things and been able to get a few things each for them. Now I am having to wait until a day or two before Christmas and see what I have left and that everything is covered until the next check before I know if i am able to jugle it and get them anything now. I wanted to do something small for them the first of the month to go a long with Christmas and can’t even go get it so that I can do it. Now I am thinking of not even doing it because if I do then that is that little bit of money I could save and put on something else they would rather have. I know they would like it but i want to make sure they have something at Christmas so I will wait to use it for that when I get it.

He don’t see why I’m so mad and says it’s accident everyone makes mistakes. This isn’t the matter of a accident or a mistake. Its that he dose this shit all the time. Screws something up or dose something that cost money and they are jerking so much out of his check to pay for it. In a year he has lost a phone broken/ran over a pager, gotten a almost $200 ticket and now this for $2000. So even if we would have a little extra money to buy the kids clothes, get them something for their birthday or do a party or god for bid maybe get myself something I need we can’t because we are paying for his accidents. But then if he needs shoes he gets them his phone needs paid we don’t have the money for it he bitches. Even though he don’t answer or call back or use his phone 99% of the time. It just sits in the truck or his pocket ignores it and says he didn’t hear it unless he wants something then all of a sudden he can hear it when it rings or pick it up and call you back.

But its just no big deal that we should have a little bit of money to do something with but we don’t because he is paying for something he has screwed up. Again it’s no big deal he isn’t the one sitting her not able to do anything or trying to figure out how to buy the kids Christmas. He as always leaves it to me to figure out and make happen. It’s poor him why am I mad at him it was a mistake it was someone else fault not his. I pick up the slack in bills and then he gives his a way to pay for his screw ups. But I have no right to say anything and I have no right to be mad. That he is taking money out of the house and a way from the kids that we need and could use.

I’m just so angry and pissed off putting up with his foolish shit that he dose and thinks is just fine.

He hasn’t tried to come up with any way what so ever to make the money back or to do the things we would like to do with it being the holidays and things going on that we should have a little extra to.

I have nothing to sell or anything else any more because I have pawned everything i had that was worth anything to try and keep the bills up at the last place when he quit his job to take another that paid less and was less hours and no overtime than the job he had. I didn’t have the money to get it. I lost stuff my dad gave me stuff that my grandpa who passed a way gave me something i had for my daughter and everything else. He acts like that is nothing and I shouldn’t be mad a about that. He had a job he could be home by 4 every evening have all his hours in and over time by 4 pm every evening and come home. If he had come home I could have went to work in the evening I could have had some money. But he refused to come home. He would jump on a truck go across state and not come home til all hours of the night. When I would say something he say if you get one I will come home. But at the same time I would make my doctors visits for when he could be off and home and he would make sure to work all night and not come home then either. It is all about control and keeping me right here. Because he knows that if i get a job and have money coming in then it puts me that much closer to being a way from him. He has went so far as to taking my truck to work 20 miles a way from me telling me he would be home in time to go pick the kids up from school. It was a 50 mile trip to pick the kids up from school. At time to be leaving call and say oh I’m across the state I won’t be home until later tonight you got to figure out how to get the kids home. That really says I will make sure I am off and home in time for you to go to work if you get a job don’t it.

I am rambling again, I’m just so mad we sit here not able to have or do anything because of the way he dose and he see’s nothing wrong with it. I sit here almost in tears because I am so mad and just want to take my kids and walk out and leave with them. I can’t. Even on our own money is tight but I am still able to budget and have some to do things with them when stuff comes up or to get them things at Christmas and things. If he would split the bills and things like he aggree to I would have been out of here long ago. I would have been able to save money and do things. When I was with RC and we lived together we split the bills and I always still had money in my pocket to take all the kids not just my 3 but my 3 and his two out and do things. Nothing huge but we weren’t sitting in the house all the time or worried that bills weren’t going to get paid before the next checks came in. And we paid support on two kids that weren’t in our house and made less money than father of the year. Its just in budgeting and getting everything on a cycle and not buying everything you want rather you have the money or not.

But it is all ok to him because it was a accident and it’s just us just, just his kids. They will get over it they will get over it or forget. It isn’t a big deal. I’m so depressed and angry.

{November 29, 2014}   Keeping Secretes

Me and my friend J have been hanging out on father of the years day off. It gets me out of the house and a little break. We go shopping just to look around and get out of the house. She has gotten a few outfits why we were out for her trip she is on. We will be looking and I’m looking at t-shirts and jeans she is looking at all these short dresses and things. She keeps telling me we are looking for a man you need to wear something sexy and get out of those jeans and t-shirts. I told her there are no men around her for me. They all have issues and already heard to much about me. Between father of the year and my brother god only knows what all is going around about me. She has heard a lot but I haven’t asked her because I really don’t want to know. I don’t need to feel any better about myself.

Like I have said many times before there isn’t anyone out there that is decent or half way decent that is going to want to date someone in my situation anyway. I don’t blame them and wouldn’t really want to date them and would question their motive if they did. Because there is no way in hell I would date a guy that was living with his ex wife or soon to be ex wife or whatever she was. If they have been together and been in a relationship they should not be living together and think they are going to find someone else to date that is just ok with it. But a lot of guys would because so many girls out there these days don’t really care or looking for a relationship. They are mostly about what he is can give her or do for her as long as he is giving and doing they really don’t care what he is doing. They are doing the same stuff with more than one of them at a time as well.

I have thought about it a lot over the last few months and lot the last few weeks. I really do want to meet someone and get to know them and have a relationship. I don’t know if there is anything I want more right now other than getting out of here and having a life again and to start dating again. But I really don’t want to rush into things. I’m not rushing into sleeping with them in the first few weeks or what not and I won’t be introducing my kids to them any time to soon once I meet them either. If at all.

The more I think about it the more I really don’t think I want my kids to know I am seeing anyone or to meet them. Even after we have been together for a while. I don’t think I want to meet his kids either if he has any or get to know them. I don’t want to jump into another relationship either. If I am not going to be in a relationship with them they really aren’t meeting my kids nor me theirs. If it turns into more I still don’t want to meet theirs or them mine.

I am happy seeing them when I can and when they can. I am find working around their kids and mine. I am fine with them not knowing I’m seeing someone or not meeting them even if they find out I am. I see no point in it when they all are just here for the here and now and not forever. They can say they are all they want but who can you believe any more really? I think I could be very happy with just talking and texting when the kid are around and only seeing them when either of us don’t have our kids. We can spend time together with out interruptions from the kids or having to worry about them. It might not be as often and they may not be there to be that extra help or support when things are ruff with the kids and things are going on. But at least they will be there to reach out to and talk to and help in whatever way they can. I won’t feel like I am alone in all of it and have no one to talk to or like I am not getting what I need. Maybe one day a couple years down the road if I haven’t ran him off then I will consider and talk about letting them meet my kids and get to know them I me meeting theirs and getting to know them. If we go through with it and then he decides he don’t want to stick around it probably won’t end to pretty.

{November 29, 2014}   Dogs or Frogs?

The other day I posted about our dog having puppies. If you missed it or want to see the kids new buddy, you can read about it here First Day of School & New Puppies.

Anyway to start with father of the year said all 3 were girls the night she had them. I didn’t mess with them much other than moving them from the shower where she had them to the case to keep them safe from the baby and in a known spot for mamma to feel ok with. The other night a friend comes over and he was looking at them and we were talking about them. He picked one up and was petting it and I said something about them all being girls again. He looked at me and said um no this is a boy. I was like what no she had 3 girls. He turned him around and showed me. I hadn’t looked at them at all. We hadn’t had them out and messed with them more than moving them to fix their blankets and things. I was surprised. So now we have 2 girls and a boy and someone that wants a girl and the kids had already picked the one they wanted to keep.

I said oh well I guess father of the year is going to get a boy so the people who wants one can have a girl. I wasn’t making the kids give them their dog. Well the people went and got another puppy they didn’t want to wait the 6 to 8 weeks for this one to be ready. We had talked about him keeping two so that one wouldn’t be alone all the time when he is working if he was going to keep one. When he found out that the others weren’t going to take her he said he would keep them both. So now he has a girl and a boy. The kids had been asking him and asking him what he was going to name the one he was keeping he said he didn’t know. Then we figured out the one was a boy they kept asking and wanting to name him. He kept saying no no no and that he didn’t know what he was going to be like yet and wouldn’t let the kids name him.

The other day when he was off I went out with a friend to take care of some stuff and just get a break and get out of the house. I get home and the kids say daddy named the dogs guess what he named them. I really had no clue wasn’t sure what he would have named them. They said he named them Roxy and Trevor. I thought they were joking but they weren’t.

I said they can’t be Roxy and Trevor we already have Roxy and Trevor they are my frogs the kids got me for mothers day I wrote about there. My oldest says oh it’s ok it’s better name for the dogs and it isn’t like we call the frogs or play with them like we do the dogs anyway. I looked at father of the year and said your really going to name them that. He was like yeah I like it I think its a good pair name for them. I just walked off it isn’t worth getting in a fight over. I just find it funny that he can’t even name his dogs with out having to have it tie back to me some how. Pretty pathetic really but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he has kind of always been that way. He is never interested in something or likes something unless he finds out I am then he acts like he has liked it all his life or something.

He use to bitch about Fords all the time and how he didn’t like Fords. I got a little Ford Ranger right after we got together. I didn’t really have chose in the matter I was on a very tight budget and needed something to get to and from work in really bad. I had bought a car from his friend it died right a way and no one could fix it. I gave it back and stopped making payments on it. A friends girlfriend had the truck for sale and it was only up for the weekend and after that she was keeping it if it didn’t sell. She needed the money for something and if it didn’t sell by Monday she had to do something else to get it and wouldn’t need to sell the truck. I knew it ran and trusted where it came from so I jumped on the great deal I could get. I don’t know why but I loved it and loved the way it ran. I liked it was fairly simple and easy to fix. The fact that it didn’t cost a lot to fix it and easy to find parts. Over all it was just a good truck.

Since then I have had a Explorer and two Expatiations one I am driving now one I sold a few months ago. I want to move up to a Excursion when I can. When I got my first I was talking about stuff I wanted to get for it and things I wanted to do to it. My friend and her sister was talking about wanting to fix their Expiation and explorer as well.  We were joking we were going to start our own Ford girls Ford club and stuff. All of a sudden he wanted a Expatiation too and wanted to do this and that to it. I said something to him about not liking Ford and how he hated Fords. He came off with some bs about how all cars and trucks were pretty much crap but we got to have something to drive. I said well then why not another truck like you had and claimed you loved so much before we got to gather that you keep talking about you wish you could get back or find another like it. It was a Nissan or something like that. I don’t remember but it wasn’t a Ford I know that much. He didn’t say anything and just looked at me like he didn’t know what to say and he knew what I was getting at.

I hate it and its weird really that he is that way. Really now that we are not together and haven’t been for so long and aren’t ever going to get back together. I always felt like I couldn’t have my own friends, interest, hobbies and things like that because he always do that. It seemed more like to get at me I can make you be with me all the time or always be around just not ever take you out or do things with you kind of thing. He could say he did because he was there or liked the same stuff. But really it wasn’t that kind of things that we were having problems with. All comes right back to control I think at the time I just thought it was his lac of being able to make and keep his own friends and not wanting to be alone. I really don’t think that is it at all any more. I think it is all just part of his twisted little games.

I think if he ever finds a girlfriend she would love to know where his dogs got their names from. I’m sure he will have loads of fun explaining why he decided to name them after his ex’s frogs. I’ll be sure to make sure she knows how he got the name for them too. It isn’t even like he can say he liked the show and watched it even. Again it was something I liked and use to watch. He seen maybe one show out of each season that’s it. He probably couldn’t even tell you who’s who on the show much less Roxy and Trevor.

{November 29, 2014}   Sick Again

My little guy has only been in school since the 10 th of this month and he only went one day last week and none this week. He caught something already and brought it home. He had fever and couldn’t go last week. Then he seemed find Friday and Saturday, we thought he was going back Monday. Then Sunday he woke up with a horrible cough and went to bed with a rash. So back to the doctor we went Monday. She said the rash was from the fever it’s been happening with other kids. But he now has a ear infection and stuff in his lungs. To top it all off my little bitty has a ear infection as well. She said he was contagious until 24 hours after the rash went a way and they only had a 3 day school week so they said send him back next Monday.

My little bitty has been so cranky and clingy it is unreal. At the doctor she got mad because she couldn’t rip the paper off the bed again and throw it everywhere. I took her down and sat her on the floor and she laid on the floor rolled around and cried forever. She was still doing it when the doctor came in and got nasty with her. She even said she could tell she was miserable and that it wasn’t like her. She said she never seen her act this way. She hasn’t stopped since and shows no signs of getting better. I have given her her meds and everything but it don’t seem to be helping. I think she is teething as well as caught whatever was causing his fever on top of the ear infection.

I don’t know what it is with the two of them but they are a handful lately. One minute they are playing great the next they are fighting and I am having to pull them apart. I am not sue to having two this close in age but with such a big age gap either. My older two I don’t remember fighting like this. I don’t know if it is because they were closer in age or what.

I can’t say they didn’t they did fight pretty bad for a while but my younger one was older than my younger one is now. He was about two and his sister was around 3. But my baby now is only 19 months old and she is fighting with her brother. She is a brute she over takes him and he is like twice her size. I don’t know what to do with her. She is so smart and so advacned but at the same time she just don’t care that she gets in trouble. She gets upset if I get on to her and tell her she can’t do that or that it was bad. She cry but then 5 minutes later she is back at it again.

Between the being sick, clingy because they are sick and being loud and fighting because they are sick or because they are feeling better and seem to think that’s what they should do. Ad in everything else that is going on and the fact that my friend decided to visit today. I am ready to crawl out of my skin and pull my hair out. I normally have my one day a week to look forward to out with a friend. I don’t have that this week. My friend is a way on vacation won’t be back until Sunday evening. I just keep telling myself that this is just a phase that it to shall pass in time.

It’s just one of them times that I am giving, giving, giving, and not getting what I need in return. I love them and I know they love me but they can’t give me what I need. Nor are they supposed to. One day maybe I will have that again.

{November 28, 2014}   Judged

Really I haven’t been in the best mood since I went to the child support office. The way I felt when I was there talking to them and trying to get this taken care of. Then coming home having to fill out all the papers. I won’t lie I left there in tears I felt about as big as a piss ant standing there talking to the women trying to figure out what I needed and what needed to be done. It really wasn’t anything that they did or said or the way they acted at all. They were all really nice very polite and helpful to a point.

As I stand there telling them I want to find him and that I have no idea where he is other than in TN somewhere. That he hasn’t seen her but one time when she was 4 weeks old.

Then I’m honest and tell them that yeah I was married when I got pregnant and had her. That was just like a kick in the stomach to me. I feel about as big as a piss ant why I am standing here telling them everything. It don’t help because then I get flustered. I feel like I’m being judged again. I feel like no matter where I go what I do I look like the horrible person in all this. At least that is how everyone see’s it anyway. I tried to get a divorce for over a year. He wouldn’t do it. I finally get him to agree to it and get it set up and he stops it. I can take it to court contested and fight him but with out a lawyer when fighting contested is hard. His family would back him 100% and get him one and at that point I risk losing my kids. I am not willing to take that risk. So until I can be sure that I have my self lined up to do what I have to do then I couldn’t push it and fight it. He was willing to leave me alone and not push anything any farther then I had to back down.

If he hadn’t stopped it then I wouldn’t have even been married to him when I got pregnant much less when I had her. Yes I did leave him and want the divorce but no one knows the things he has done and put me through behind closed doors. They also don’t know the things that I still did and begged to try to keep it from coming to this. Not for myself or him but because of my kids. If it hadn’t been for them I would have left the first time 9 years ago when I told him I was going to. It’s not like I left him to be with my daughters dad because I didn’t. I didn’t even know him at the time. It isn’t like I had an affair and ops got pregnant. All things I’m sure everyone is thinking among other things.

With RC being gone and not in the picture and everything the way it is there, it just spurs more rummers or speculation. But I didn’t want us to not be together I didn’t want him to leave. I loved him more than anyone I have been with. I loved our kids, or little family more than life it’s self. It kills me that I lost 3 of the most important people in my life. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t look at my daughter and think of them. There won’t be a day that goes by that I don’t see them every time I look at her.

Then fact that RC has his problem and and 4 other kids by 3 other people. I feel like I’m being judged because of that or people are thanking what did I expect. But again I honestly felt yes he had screwed up but had realised that and changed. I felt that it is a two way street and that it probably wasn’t all his fault he wasn’t with the mothers. I felt he was paying support for the other two and he had custody of the two little ones and was working and taking care of them. I was thinking that people deserve a 2nd chance and that he was trying to do right and now his boys mom ended up being the way she was that it wasn’t his fault she was the way she was. Just like it wasn’t my fault my ex turned out the way he did. I know if he hadn’t gotten a hold of his ex and back on the stuff things would have been ok with us. But he got back on that and she showed up the right place the right time. But no one knows what really happen.

It bothers me that everyone is looking at me and judging me for things that I didn’t really have control over. The fact that they don’t really have a clue what really happen, or why I’m in the situation that I am. I know it shouldn’t matter what others thank and I try not to let it get to me. But I guess just growing up the way I did and always being treated like everything was my fault and everything I did was wrong and still talked to and treated like that by my mom and father of the year has really stuck more than I would like to have thought.

I really try not to judge anyone and to look at why not just assume things. I guess because all I have been through and all I have been through with my son with autism and the stares and comments and judging when people again assume they know. I give a lot of people a chance whatever background they come from or their past that follows. I am sure people probably aren’t even thinking anything about me 95% of the time and that it is my own problem and in my head. It just bothers me that I have let all that he has done undo all that I have fought so hard to over come when it comes to myself and how I grew up and was treated.

I think it bothers me more to see what kind of control he still has over me until I can get out of here. The fact that I really have been fighting and doing any thing I can to get out of it and every time I think things are really lining up they fall through. I feel like I have pretty much had all the life in me sucked out. All the will to live about and keep fighting about gone. Then I get so mad at myself that I can’t figure out and get out of this. I tell myself any other time you would have just done this or that but I cant because I can’t think of just myself now. I have 4 other people that I have to think about.

I just feel that I screwed our life up so much when I met RC. I love my little bitty and wouldn’t trade her for anything. I hate myself for still caring. I feel so stupid about it all from not knowing and not realising much sooner. But I’m not going to get into that because I have said it many times before.

{November 28, 2014}   Thankful It’s Over

It’s been a very long day, who am I kidding it’s been a long week. I spend a big part of if dreading today. I feel so wore out when I have hardly done anything today. Just dealing with my mom dose it to me in a manner of minutes every time. Knowing that I have to in itself takes a lot out of me. The kids being sick for two weeks, dealing with the child support stuff, and trying to decide if and where to move don’t help. I haven’t told my family I am trying to move or that I am going after RC for support.

They don’t think I should just leave him alone. They don’t think he should be in her life. They feel if I go after him then he is going to want to see her and that he shouldn’t. They think he will try to take her. I’m sure the way they are they feel he could win and get her. I don’t think it is even a option. If he wants to be in her life I wouldn’t ever stop it. He needs to be in her life she needs to know him. There will be a order in place for her. I don’t think he would try to take her from me. He told me he wouldn’t and I’m probably stupid but I believe him. But at the same time I am not stupid and know that from now on whatever I do I have to protect her and me from possibly going though more bs with him.

I haven’t told them I am moving or even considering moving because all I will hear is how I can’t do that. That I can’t make it there with just me and the kids, that I cant take them and leave the state because of father of the year being here and on and on they will go. I also don’t want them to know until I have the divorce done and what I want in it and it set so that I am able to take them out of state. Because if I tell them first they will go to father of the year and be telling him how he has to stop it and how he can’t let me leave and take the kids. They will tell him well you can take her to court you can get it put in the divorce that she has to stay here. He is the kind that would go and try to stop it to keep everyone from being pissed off at him. Because them being mad at him or not is more important than what is best for him kids. His kids will get over it and he will always be daddy. But someone else may not get over it and he may lose a friend.

My mom just aggravates me so much. I have never called him daddy to my daughter at all. He has always been called by his name. She call him daddy to her. I said something a few times when we were having to stay there. My daughter never has really called him daddy, when she did I tell her no it’s ___ and now that is what she says. The last two times my we were at her house she said something about daddy I said no it’s __. She started about since when she always called him daddy. I told her no and she didn’t say anything. Then tonight she said something about daddy. I was in the other room I didn’t say anything because my daughter wasn’t in there and didn’t hear her. Everyone there I didn’t want to get into it. I wasn’t feeling good I just wanted to get out of there and go home.

The dog had her puppies and if you talk to her we need to give them a way as soon as they are big enough. If she had it her way they would be gone already. All because they are part pit. I didn’t pick the dog that got her pregnant I didn’t want her to have puppies at all. But she did and we were talking about getting another dog since our other passed a way last year. I want something that will grow up with my younger two like the momma dog has with my older two. Why try to find homes for these and hope they go to a good one when we want a puppy already? That be stupid to me. I told the kids we would keep one. Well then father of the year decided that since they won’t be ready till a few days before Christmas or after even and one of us will be moving by the end of February then he wanted to keep one. Well the home for the 3 rd fell through so he decided he would keep the two so they would have a play mate why he was working since he will be working so much. Tonight the kids were talking about them and she was like I wouldn’t keep any of them I can’t believe your going to keep them you need to get rid of them all. I ignored her because she wasn’t talking to me her and my oldest were talking. But she was directing it at me. I just kept doing what I was and acted as if I didn’t hear her. Then she says to me your keeping all them dogs why? Going on and on about it. I said I am keeping one he is going to take two with him when he moves. She says oh these kids will be grown he isn’t going no where. I was pissed and my brother and his family sitting there. I said no he is leaving the first of the year one of us will be moving I’m not living like this any longer. She started about how we need to get rid of them all blah blah shit again. I just went on and finished what I was doing.

She just gets on my nerves and pisses me off so fucking much. She can’t ever keep her opinions or thoughts to herself ever. It’s one thing to give your opinion when asked but to always be telling people what they need to do or basically telling them and trying to push it is another. I truly just want a way from her and father of the year. She never has anything positive to say and trying to push into what and how she wants it to be done.

I try really hard to ignore her and I try really hard to not let her get to me but I can’t help it. It just stresses me out so much. I think the main reason is because of the influence that she has over my kids. they see this stuff they hear her then they second guess their self or feel they need to do what she says to make her happy and not upset her. I try to keep the contact minimum but they want to see her and to go for holidays and see the rest of the family and things.

I know I’m venting I guess I am just a little more adjudicated with everything with the way everything has been the last few weeks. I feel like this week has been a loss with nothing getting done because of everyone being sick the dreading going over there on top of everyone being sick, not feeling good myself. I am just in a mood tonight I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

So I am very thankful for a lot of things, my kids, friends, family, a home, and the things I need. Tonight I think I am most thankful its all just over.

{November 25, 2014}   I Did It….

Not only found the child support office Friday, I went in and talk to them. I went some places with my friend J to get out of the house for a little while. We had to go down where it was supposed to be and she had been there before so I decided to look for it again. I had been down there 3 times before and always was sent to the wrong places. You can’t call the office itself you have to call a 800 number and talk to someone states a way who don’t know the area. Then you wait on hold for a hour or more to talk to someone. I would end up having to go home.

I knew going down there I wanted to at least try and find it but didn’t know if I would be able to stop since I had my friend with me. We went to the education store and ended up being in there way longer than we had planed. Then we stopped and had lunch. I knew there was something else I wanted to do but I just really couldn’t think of it. We stopped at another store instead of heading home. Something made me think of it in the store after we looked around for a while. I told her I wanted to try and find it not to let me forget. We left I figured as late as it was they wouldn’t be open. It took about 20 minutes to find it and they were open. I went in it was 15 to 5 they were getting ready to close. But they talk to me anyway.

I told the lady what I was there for and that I needed to open a case. But that I was also told I had complied with them so I had no idea what was going on since it has been a year and a half since I tried to get help from them. The lady looked it up and said she didn’t know what to do with my case or what needed to be done with it or why nothing had been done with it. She told me to fill out a form and get a number and talk to someone. When I got up there to talk to them the computer crashed. Go figure my luck the computer crashes. But the two ladies were really nice and told me what all I needed to bring in and told me to come back today.

They told me that because I was not divorced when I had her I have to go after father of the year for support. They will bring him in we will have to do a dna test to rule him out and then they will go after RC. Bring him in and do another dna test and then decide the support.

I am so mad about it I didn’t want father of the year to know that I went there or anything about it. I just wanted to go get it all set up get the order and let them start giving it to me. I was going to let it just sit until I can move so that I have other money to go on. Plus he is going to make things a living hell now that he knows I am trying to find him and go after him. He knows it will put me that much more closer to getting out and a way from him.

I came home and told him that I went there that they are going to go after him and that he is going to have to go do the test. I told him I am not going to wait forever why he takes his time to go down there and do the test. He says just forget it I’ll pay for her. I’ll take care of her just drop it don’t worry about going back. Of course because then that means I won’t have that money coming in if I let him do that. It’s just something else he can use in court to hold up the divorce when we go to court and keep them from granting it again. When we get in there and they start telling him to pay for her he can speak up and say she isn’t mine. I want a dna test. I’m not doing it. She is not his there is no way possible she can be his at all. I don’t want him to claim her as his. I didn’t let him sign it the birth certificate I didn’t put him on it. I could have just put him on it since we are married but we are not together and she is not his and we aren’t going to ever be back together.

I told him no he wouldn’t just pay for her. I told him he would go take the test and then stay out of it. He hasn’t said anything else about it he been a little potty, poor me so far but I know it is just the calm before the storm. I have heard him make a few comments here and there I ask what he said he won’t say anything. I am going down in a couple weeks to file the rest of the papers for the divorce and that is really going to shake the boat up and probably push it all over the edge. I am really don’t care at this point because I am done and at all cost I am getting out of here and a way from him once and for all. I can’t be no worse off than I have been the last few years here. I think if I play my cards right we can all be a lot better off.

They also told me to get as much information about RC as I can. All I have is a phone number that I am not sure is his any more and a address that I traced it back to. I am pretty sure it is not the right address because in October his girlfriend posted on her page saying her kids were a lot happier now that they have moved. It isn’t the last place he told a friend of ours he was a while back either. I think this maybe somewhere that he lived when he first got there. He been there just over a year and has lived with his girlfriends mother, this address i have, another address he told a friend of his and this new one she is talking about now. I did see a thing on line I am going to try to get the right address but I don’t know if it will work since this isn’t the last address but it is worth a try.

I didn’t make it back down there today. My baby boy was sick last week and seemed to be fine Friday and Saturday, he got up yesterday with a cough and went to bed with it and broke out in dots. My little bitty was up and down all night with him as well not feeling good. I had to take her to the doc and him back. They said that after the fever breaks the kids have been getting a rash and that from being so sick it let him get an ear infection and he has stuff in his lungs. He went to school one day last week and can’t go this week at all. We don’t even know if we are going to see family for Thanksgiving. They said that he is very contagious until 24 hours after the dots go a way. They can keep showing up or stay for a few days. They said my baby girl has a ear infection. The doctor could see how miserable she was. She said oh my goodness I have never seen her cry and act this way.

My friend J was going to come and watch them why I went back and took everything down there and turned in. But she is going a way Wednesday for the holiday and she can’t risk getting sick. I really can’t leave the two little ones as sick as they are and go all the way down there in case they get sicker or need something. It’s about 40 miles a way. I talk to her and she is going to come next week and watch them so that I can go down there. It will give me time to try my trick and see if I can find another address for him. Hopefully it will work.

I just wish I had the money to order a report or pay someone to find him. He was paying on other kids so hopefully they will be able to find him. I hope that sine they have left my case sit for a year and a half with out doing anything with it they don’t make me wait another 6 months to a year.

{November 17, 2014}   Feeling A Lot Like Moving

It’s not a secrete that I want to move and get a way from here. The kids are on board they ask all the time when we are going to move and why can’t we move away to somewhere else.

This is the last year that me and Father of the year will be filing taxes together. That will give me some money. Between what I have coming in and what I should get for child support I should have enough to show I can cover the rent until I get a job. I will have around $6000 to go on and get a place once we get there.

I am researching on line places to rent, jobs, and areas on line. I plan to line up 3 to 4 places that  I have talked to and who will rent to use when we get there. Once we get there we can go check each one out and the area of town they are in and decide what one we think will work best for us. Hopefully we can move in that day so that we don’t have to spend money on a room and things.

I figure I will take what we have left once we get there and put the rent and deposit down. After that I will pay to get the lights, water, and gas if we need it on. Once I get everything on I want to take the rest and pay on the rent to get it paid ahead. I hope to have enough to pay up at least two to three months in addition to the first month. Then I will have a little leave way and time to find a job.

My biggest worry is finding a good area with out being able to go up and check things out first. I have to go by what I see on line get from the realtor’s, and others that I can find to talk to in the area. Other than that I know when I tell my mom she is going to freak out and try to stop it. I am sure she will start with father of the year and try to get him to keep us from going or him to get us to come back. I am waiting until just about the last minute to tell her if we decide to go.

I have been talking to father of the year and he agrees and thinks we should go. He wants to go but he is going to stay here for 6 months to a year after we go. That way can make sure we are where we are going to stay for a while and he will have his job so that he send the support so that we will have it to work with to get in a place. I have wanted to do this for a long time and every it seems that we are going to be able to start making plans they just seem to get pushed to the side. It just never felt like it was the right time as bad as I wanted it to be. This time feels different, this time it feels right. If I can line everything. It will pretty much come down to having a few places lined up to move into when we get there.

If for whatever reason we don’t end up moving then I am going to get a new truck. Well new to me truck, I still have my old one and the new one I bought a few years ago I sold when it started having so many problems. But this time I will be moving up instead of buying the same thing. I will be getting my Excursion that is here I put here on my Goals And Dreams page.

To be honest it is hard picking between getting the truck I want and moving. But I can only do one or the other. I am going to do everything I can to go ahead and move and wait a year or so more on my truck. I feel that we all really need this move for so many reasons.

My older kids are getting bigger and I want to be able to enjoy it with them. I don’t want the younger kids growing up here any more than they already have. I want to hopefully meet someone in the next few months or so. Really there isn’t anyone here to meet and I don’t want to meet anyone here because most everyone here wants to stay here. I don’t want to stay here. I don’t want to get into a relationship to just end it because I want to move or to end up staying here because of it. I still want to have the property and horses and the longer I wait the longer it will be before I can do that. I want to start a business but I don’t want to do that here and have to do something with it just as I get it going good. I don’t want to be moving it with me and I don’t want to find someone here to run it or leave in charge of it. I could sell it and use the money to open another when I get where I’m going. But there is nothing to say that I would have it going enough to sell it or would sell it and make anything out of it.

So as much as I would love to have my truck I really need to do everything I can do to make this move happen.

{November 17, 2014}   First Day of School & New Puppies

My baby boy 4 years old has been having trouble with speech. He has a great vocabulary but very hard to understand. We did some testing over the summer and they show some delays in other areas as well. I know there are some but I wasn’t really worried about it. But he is getting bigger and we need to work on it before it gets worse or takes longer to correct then it has to.

His first day of school was last Monday and he did good. I am so proud of him. He was a little scared about going but he was excited as well. We live a couple houses a way from the school so I walked him over and to his class. We met his teacher and got to see his class. It didn’t take long and he forgot all about me. He was off playing and looking around.

His teacher was really nice we talked for a bit. The other kids came up and the fact that I was home schooling them. She said her mom home schooled most all her brothers and sisters all the way through. She said she could sign any of the paper work that I needed her to for their yearly evaluations as well. She said if I had any questions or anything that she would be happy to help any way she could.

When I picked him up the teacher said that he had a really good day. She said that he even asked if it was nap time and if they could take a nap. She had showed him a picture that had the days activities on it and he remembered when nap time was. It’s funny because he don’t take naps most days at home. The teacher told his dad when he picked him up Friday she could tell he had brothers and sister at home because another kid tried to take his toy and he held his own and didn’t back down or let the kid have the toy.

That evening ended up being as eventful as his day was. The dog started having her pups at like 9:30 pm. It took her about two hours and she had only had 3. I was very happy that she only had 3. She had gotten really big and we figured she was going to have at least 5 or 6 probably. She had 5 last time.

Tomorrow they will be a week old and they still have their eyes closed and paddle around the cage. Once in a while one finds a way to slip out. Me and the kids are going to keep one I let the older kids pick what one we kept and let my little one name it. He decided to name it Sprite.  The biggest one is going to a good home. My friend called me when she was in the middle of having them and said her friend wanted the biggest female she had. Funny thing is she had 5 females in her first litter and 3 females in this one. No boys at all. We were looking for a home for the 3 rd one and Father of the year has so far decided that he is going to keep it and have it at his house. I’m not thrilled about it seeing as he is gone so much and it is going to be alone so much. I have a feeling that he is going to decide that he don’t want to keep her by the time they are big enough to go to new homes. I would rather him keep both of the other two if he was going to take one. I guess we shall see.

sprite2This is our little Sprite last night 5 days old. Normally we would keep the one that was left after all the rest found a home. But I told my little one he could name it since the older kids named momma dog when she was a pup and she has grown up with them over the last 7 years. We had been talking about getting another dog to grow up with my two little ones, since our other dog passed away last year. The older kids were mad because I told my little one he could name it so I told them to go ahead and pick out the one they wanted to keep instead of waiting for the others to find a home.

They are so thrilled about having the new pups they want to pet them and play with them all the time. I keep telling them they can’t take them out and touch them so much. Lucky momma don’t mind. My little bitty loves to watch them. She was leaning in the cage petting them then leaned over “hugging” them. It was so cute. Can’t wait for them to open their eyes so we can see what color they are.

et cetera
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