{November 28, 2014}   Judged

Really I haven’t been in the best mood since I went to the child support office. The way I felt when I was there talking to them and trying to get this taken care of. Then coming home having to fill out all the papers. I won’t lie I left there in tears I felt about as big as a piss ant standing there talking to the women trying to figure out what I needed and what needed to be done. It really wasn’t anything that they did or said or the way they acted at all. They were all really nice very polite and helpful to a point.

As I stand there telling them I want to find him and that I have no idea where he is other than in TN somewhere. That he hasn’t seen her but one time when she was 4 weeks old.

Then I’m honest and tell them that yeah I was married when I got pregnant and had her. That was just like a kick in the stomach to me. I feel about as big as a piss ant why I am standing here telling them everything. It don’t help because then I get flustered. I feel like I’m being judged again. I feel like no matter where I go what I do I look like the horrible person in all this. At least that is how everyone see’s it anyway. I tried to get a divorce for over a year. He wouldn’t do it. I finally get him to agree to it and get it set up and he stops it. I can take it to court contested and fight him but with out a lawyer when fighting contested is hard. His family would back him 100% and get him one and at that point I risk losing my kids. I am not willing to take that risk. So until I can be sure that I have my self lined up to do what I have to do then I couldn’t push it and fight it. He was willing to leave me alone and not push anything any farther then I had to back down.

If he hadn’t stopped it then I wouldn’t have even been married to him when I got pregnant much less when I had her. Yes I did leave him and want the divorce but no one knows the things he has done and put me through behind closed doors. They also don’t know the things that I still did and begged to try to keep it from coming to this. Not for myself or him but because of my kids. If it hadn’t been for them I would have left the first time 9 years ago when I told him I was going to. It’s not like I left him to be with my daughters dad because I didn’t. I didn’t even know him at the time. It isn’t like I had an affair and ops got pregnant. All things I’m sure everyone is thinking among other things.

With RC being gone and not in the picture and everything the way it is there, it just spurs more rummers or speculation. But I didn’t want us to not be together I didn’t want him to leave. I loved him more than anyone I have been with. I loved our kids, or little family more than life it’s self. It kills me that I lost 3 of the most important people in my life. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t look at my daughter and think of them. There won’t be a day that goes by that I don’t see them every time I look at her.

Then fact that RC has his problem and and 4 other kids by 3 other people. I feel like I’m being judged because of that or people are thanking what did I expect. But again I honestly felt yes he had screwed up but had realised that and changed. I felt that it is a two way street and that it probably wasn’t all his fault he wasn’t with the mothers. I felt he was paying support for the other two and he had custody of the two little ones and was working and taking care of them. I was thinking that people deserve a 2nd chance and that he was trying to do right and now his boys mom ended up being the way she was that it wasn’t his fault she was the way she was. Just like it wasn’t my fault my ex turned out the way he did. I know if he hadn’t gotten a hold of his ex and back on the stuff things would have been ok with us. But he got back on that and she showed up the right place the right time. But no one knows what really happen.

It bothers me that everyone is looking at me and judging me for things that I didn’t really have control over. The fact that they don’t really have a clue what really happen, or why I’m in the situation that I am. I know it shouldn’t matter what others thank and I try not to let it get to me. But I guess just growing up the way I did and always being treated like everything was my fault and everything I did was wrong and still talked to and treated like that by my mom and father of the year has really stuck more than I would like to have thought.

I really try not to judge anyone and to look at why not just assume things. I guess because all I have been through and all I have been through with my son with autism and the stares and comments and judging when people again assume they know. I give a lot of people a chance whatever background they come from or their past that follows. I am sure people probably aren’t even thinking anything about me 95% of the time and that it is my own problem and in my head. It just bothers me that I have let all that he has done undo all that I have fought so hard to over come when it comes to myself and how I grew up and was treated.

I think it bothers me more to see what kind of control he still has over me until I can get out of here. The fact that I really have been fighting and doing any thing I can to get out of it and every time I think things are really lining up they fall through. I feel like I have pretty much had all the life in me sucked out. All the will to live about and keep fighting about gone. Then I get so mad at myself that I can’t figure out and get out of this. I tell myself any other time you would have just done this or that but I cant because I can’t think of just myself now. I have 4 other people that I have to think about.

I just feel that I screwed our life up so much when I met RC. I love my little bitty and wouldn’t trade her for anything. I hate myself for still caring. I feel so stupid about it all from not knowing and not realising much sooner. But I’m not going to get into that because I have said it many times before.

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