Let me say I am very thankful that we have a home this year and are getting ready to put up a tree and things. The last two years for the first time ever my kids didn’t have a home and were not able to put up their tree and decorate like they have always done. It was a very hard time for us both years.

It really isn’t the fact that it is Christmas so much as it is a all the time thing. It just makes me so mad right now because it is Christmas. I sit her wanting to get things and do things with the kids and can’t because I have to worry about money and making the bills. Once I do that then I can hopeful get them each something.

But we are paying $200 a month in car repairs for a car that isn’t ours and we don’t even have. We are going to be paying on it until the $2000 is paid off. We sit here with one car to use for everything. That $2000 could have gotten us another car. But We don’t have $200 a month extra put out even one month much every month until this is paid back. A couple months ago father of the year hit a car at the car auction with the wrecker. He messed up the tailgate and stuff he say. I don’t know I didn’t see it. They said it wasn’t even supposed to be parked there because it was hanging into the area to drive. He didn’t hear anything about it for a month or so. Now the other week they in form him that it cost $2000 to fix it and they are taking $100 ever two weeks until he gets it paid off. Right at Christmas time when we are already having to put out money we don’t really have extra of.

So now on top of already trying to budget and stretch what we have it is now $200 less a month. That right there is my light bill or my water, phone and internet bill for the month with a couple dollars left over. I could have juggled things and been able to get a few things each for them. Now I am having to wait until a day or two before Christmas and see what I have left and that everything is covered until the next check before I know if i am able to jugle it and get them anything now. I wanted to do something small for them the first of the month to go a long with Christmas and can’t even go get it so that I can do it. Now I am thinking of not even doing it because if I do then that is that little bit of money I could save and put on something else they would rather have. I know they would like it but i want to make sure they have something at Christmas so I will wait to use it for that when I get it.

He don’t see why I’m so mad and says it’s accident everyone makes mistakes. This isn’t the matter of a accident or a mistake. Its that he dose this shit all the time. Screws something up or dose something that cost money and they are jerking so much out of his check to pay for it. In a year he has lost a phone broken/ran over a pager, gotten a almost $200 ticket and now this for $2000. So even if we would have a little extra money to buy the kids clothes, get them something for their birthday or do a party or god for bid maybe get myself something I need we can’t because we are paying for his accidents. But then if he needs shoes he gets them his phone needs paid we don’t have the money for it he bitches. Even though he don’t answer or call back or use his phone 99% of the time. It just sits in the truck or his pocket ignores it and says he didn’t hear it unless he wants something then all of a sudden he can hear it when it rings or pick it up and call you back.

But its just no big deal that we should have a little bit of money to do something with but we don’t because he is paying for something he has screwed up. Again it’s no big deal he isn’t the one sitting her not able to do anything or trying to figure out how to buy the kids Christmas. He as always leaves it to me to figure out and make happen. It’s poor him why am I mad at him it was a mistake it was someone else fault not his. I pick up the slack in bills and then he gives his a way to pay for his screw ups. But I have no right to say anything and I have no right to be mad. That he is taking money out of the house and a way from the kids that we need and could use.

I’m just so angry and pissed off putting up with his foolish shit that he dose and thinks is just fine.

He hasn’t tried to come up with any way what so ever to make the money back or to do the things we would like to do with it being the holidays and things going on that we should have a little extra to.

I have nothing to sell or anything else any more because I have pawned everything i had that was worth anything to try and keep the bills up at the last place when he quit his job to take another that paid less and was less hours and no overtime than the job he had. I didn’t have the money to get it. I lost stuff my dad gave me stuff that my grandpa who passed a way gave me something i had for my daughter and everything else. He acts like that is nothing and I shouldn’t be mad a about that. He had a job he could be home by 4 every evening have all his hours in and over time by 4 pm every evening and come home. If he had come home I could have went to work in the evening I could have had some money. But he refused to come home. He would jump on a truck go across state and not come home til all hours of the night. When I would say something he say if you get one I will come home. But at the same time I would make my doctors visits for when he could be off and home and he would make sure to work all night and not come home then either. It is all about control and keeping me right here. Because he knows that if i get a job and have money coming in then it puts me that much closer to being a way from him. He has went so far as to taking my truck to work 20 miles a way from me telling me he would be home in time to go pick the kids up from school. It was a 50 mile trip to pick the kids up from school. At time to be leaving call and say oh I’m across the state I won’t be home until later tonight you got to figure out how to get the kids home. That really says I will make sure I am off and home in time for you to go to work if you get a job don’t it.

I am rambling again, I’m just so mad we sit here not able to have or do anything because of the way he dose and he see’s nothing wrong with it. I sit here almost in tears because I am so mad and just want to take my kids and walk out and leave with them. I can’t. Even on our own money is tight but I am still able to budget and have some to do things with them when stuff comes up or to get them things at Christmas and things. If he would split the bills and things like he aggree to I would have been out of here long ago. I would have been able to save money and do things. When I was with RC and we lived together we split the bills and I always still had money in my pocket to take all the kids not just my 3 but my 3 and his two out and do things. Nothing huge but we weren’t sitting in the house all the time or worried that bills weren’t going to get paid before the next checks came in. And we paid support on two kids that weren’t in our house and made less money than father of the year. Its just in budgeting and getting everything on a cycle and not buying everything you want rather you have the money or not.

But it is all ok to him because it was a accident and it’s just us just, just his kids. They will get over it they will get over it or forget. It isn’t a big deal. I’m so depressed and angry.

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