Another Year Older

So yesterday 12/26 was my birthday. It was pretty much just another day, me and the kids. The kids being in really bad cranky whinning moods all day made it the greatest day ever. (Rolling eyes)

We slept in late went to a few stores then to my moms for dinner. By time we got home i sent the kids to bed and followed shortly after. Such an eventfull day. The kids are want to do a little party for me New years eve. I was going to go out but don’t really think I want too. I think I would like to go to dinner with some of the girls and something funny after maybe.

I hadn’t really thought about it till a few minutes ago but dang I’m another year older. I know it was my birthday but I dont know other than just being another day I hadnt really thought about it. I mean i knew I was but heck where did the time go? How did I become 34 already?

It seems like it was just my 20 th bday yesterday and I got the call about my grandma. She been sick had major heart attack October and had another one or two since. Last one left her out of it in the hospital for a while. She was still there Christmas. We woke up the next morning was getting ready to go see here when we got the call. It was 10:10 am they said she had passed a way just before that. I had been born 20 years before at 10:10 am. My mom said first thing she thought of when she seen the time of the call.

Instead of going to see her we made our way to her house where everyone was gathering. I remeber sitting in her dinning room floor in the corner and crying most the day. I remeber everyone coming and going all the phone calls and everyone just looking lost and unable to talk with out breaking down.

Grandma held the family together and always had a house full of kids. Its hard to blevie all them grand babies and great grands have grown up and having babies of their own. I think she has some great great grands at this point.

R.i.p grandma miss you every day. Wish you could see all these new babies we’ve all had. Boy are they sure missing out not getting to know you. You were the best.

Don’t Know What I Was Thinking

I joined a dating site. I was looking at something on line the other week and this ad for one popped up I clicked on it. Just to click around and look at all the crazy profiles. You know people watch on line. And see how many people I seen that I know.

It wouldn’t let me look without making a profile myself. I started not to but I did and went from there. I just put a vag location and have not put up a profile picture at all. I have had a ton of people look at my profile and a handful of people contact me. Mostly wanting to know if I have a picture.

I feel funny putting up a picture and really don’t want to talk to someone right now the situation that I am in. I put a little about myself and that I was married but getting a divorce and not been together for 4 years or more. I didn’t put that I am stuck living with him and all that. I don’t need all that out there. I don’t want to put a picture up because I don’t want others I know seeing it and all my business. I am a very open but very private person at the same time. I share with who I want to know stuff not just everyone. Well aside from here not just everyone.

I think the biggest thing is the situation I am in and the not feeling like I can really have a life right now. I feel stuck, trapped or whatever you want to call it. I’m depressed and just don’t care most the time. I don’t want to meet someone and even just have things as friends and screw it up because of the way things are here and how I feel because of being here. I want them to get to know the real me and not the depressed annoyed me. I don’t want to be in this funk any more or when I am getting to know someone.

I guess we will just see. I have been debating on putting a picture up but just don’t know. I would have sent one to a couple buy it don’t give me a option to send one in a private message. I have rewritten my profile I don’t know how many times I have no clue what to say in it. I don’t think its a good time I think I will just sit back and watch for a while and decide what to do when the right time comes.

Re:Scholarship News

We had Christmas at my moms and had dinner there Christmas night. There was a bunch left over so she said for me and the kids to come back last night and we would have dinner again. No one felt like splitting everything up and us bringing some home as late as it had gotten. We had to get something for her and take back down there anyway.

When we got home from there my little guy wanted to check the mail, he brought me it. There was a letter from step up in there (Scholarship News). I was kind of afraid to open it. We were waiting for his funding to come in and would be getting a letter when it did. But it was such a blah day and the kids were in such moods I figured it would be more bad news. That they had found something wrong or something. I have been worried that the school may still be getting money for him from the other scholarship and I not know it.

I almost just laid it up until another day to open, but the wanting to know what was in it got the best of me. I opened it and it was the letter we had been waiting on. It said his account has been funded and that the money is there now for us to start using and gave the amount he was awarded. I was blown a way by the amount he was awarded. He got the full amount of the scholarship. It had said that how much you got was biased on grade, disability and things like that. I know he isn’t near as bad as a lot of kids out there and he is in 3 rd grade. I figured to get about half or less of what he really got. I am so happy this will help get the things we need for school now and we should have a great second half of the year.

I am going to order him a laptop and math curriculum to start with. Then decide what other curriculum we are going to use. Now I have to figure out and get my oldest a laptop. Her birthday is at the end of next month. I think I will tell family that I want to get her a laptop for school and that if everyone would like to pitch in it would be great. She is getting older and not into toys as much and with just having Christmas she really don’t need more stuff. She got a lot of craft stuff and most everything that she had asked for.

Names, Numbers And Text

A while back we went on a camping trip and before we left there was a huge fight. Where father of the year say here and acused me of seeing other people and not careing about my kids and all kinds of other stuff. Again I’m not but so what if I was, we are not together. You can read it here if you would like Catching Up.

Well the other night he went on a call and left his phone here. I was calling him to get information about what his dad send the kids for Christmas. I picked it up to look at the text. He gives me his phone when he is here all the time so it isn’t a big deal. I was flipping through the text and found one that was just a number but no name.

Babe I’m working till 7 I love you.  then another that says I miss you.

The other person replies I love and miss you more I’m done at 5:30.

he says K how is everything. they don’t reply again until later it then they say can you find out about how much I make I need to know for the daycare.

There are no more text back and forth after that at all. This was on October 6 th. I kept looking at them thinking there was something about them I was missing but couldn’t figure it out. Then a few days later I was telling my friend J about it and it hit me. The date they were sent the 6 th of October 3 days after the camping trip. The day after we came back. The way they were talking says to me they been talking and doing whatever they are doing for a while so long before the camping trip probably.

This why he was so very nasty and so stuck on me seeing someone and screwing around as he says. I even said to my friend I don’t know what is going on he is so nasty lately and just starting for no reason then we had that huge fight he put a hole in my bedroom door and things. I guess he was feeling guilty. I don’t know why because whoever she or he is they can have him. I don’t want him we aren’t together and they would be doing me a huge favour by taking him. He has no reason to act the way he was and say the things he did. I just find it funny there haven’t been any more text back and forth and why she would want him to find out how much she was going to be making for the daycare. Why wouldn’t she know what she was going to be making? There aren’t any women working at his job but one she has been there forever since she was like 18 or something and she is almost 40. she knows what she is making and she has a old man and kids at home. The rest are guys in the shop and the guys running the trucks. There aren’t any women. It’s also a long distance number but it looks like one of them numbers where you can download a app and it give you a different number you can call and text with.

My friend gave me a big flat screen tv. I had to take the seat out of the truck to be able to lay it down in the back to get it home. We went and got it and we got it unloaded at home. I went out to find the Christmas stuff. I see this little piece of paper folded up laying in the side in back of the truck. I started to not pick it up but something said get it and look at it. I turned reach in and grabbed it before I closed it. I unfold it and it is a slip off a pad where they right your order down when you go somewhere to eat. It says some name on it I can’t tell and has a phone number on it. Then it says brother and has another number written on it. I folded it up and put it a way.

No one is ever rides in my truck buy the kids and my friend J. She don’t ride back there and if the kids had gotten a number somewhere we were for something I would have known about it. We haven’t even been out to eat lately but to the dinner for lunch. It was me J and the kids. No one got any numbers there. My truck has been cleaned out and everything taken out back there not that long a go as well.

I don’t know why he has to be this way over it. Why come in and have such huge nasty fights when your the one doing whatever is being done. Why say such things about me and the kids as he said just to make everyone feel bad or to make me look bad to the kids? Go do what you are going to do want to do or whatever and leave me and the kids out of it. I really don’t care if you want her, she wants you go for it she will be doing me a huge favour. It will get him to go away and leave me alone for once maybe. Don’t do what your going to do and then come in my house and treat me like I am doing something wrong. I haven’t talk to anyone since me and RC split up.

I didn’t say anything it isn’t worth having a big fight about. I don’t care just wish he would find one that really wants his ass and he would go and leave us alone. But when he starts his shit again I am going to pull it all out and say something. Tell him not to be jumping on me for what he is doing and feeling guilty about.

I know he is probably feeling guilty because he still tells me all the time how he still cares about me, he can’t get over me, he just wants to fix things. He was just telling me the other night when they kids weren’t here how it drives him crazy when I get so mad at him and things because he still cares. I just look at him like ok whatever. He says what I can’t help how I feel I don’t know if I will ever get over you I just want to fix things. I tell him that its to late. He just says I know. See I don’t feel guilty for wanting to move on, I didn’t feel guilty when me and RC were together or when I was talking to my friend before me and RC. I don’t have anything to feel guilty for. I don’t have feelings for him what we had is done and over. He says how can you just go and do this or that and act like it don’t bother you. I tell him because it don’t. He says I am just saying these things to hurt him. I’m not I really don’t. I can do a lot of things I do because of the things I have been through I look at things a lot different now than I did when we were together or before we got together. And since everything happen with RC since him has really just kind of sealed the deal how I feel and look at things any more. I am tired of being hurt and treated like I don’t matter. If I am going to be for here and now and until something better comes along not forever then I am going to start looking at things the same way and not being as emotionally into things any more. Enjoy it while it last and move on. If it ends up being more than great if not no harm done.

But he tells me how he can’t afford to divorce me that he isn’t going to be able to have a place to live and pay child support. That is why he is fighting it so hard besides the fact he wants us back together. That is why when he made us homeless twice he ended up with me and my friends and family. Because his family wasn’t going to take him in. His friends weren’t offering to help him or take him in either. But it is time to grow up and be a man, if your job isn’t going to pay you enough to take care of what needs taken care of then you find one that pays more. If you can’t then you find another. I know plenty of people who work 2 or 3 jobs to make it. I would be working as many as I had to if I had a sitter. But I don’t have a free baby sitter around the clock so I can work whatever job I want to work or do what I want to do and not have to ever think about the kids like him and RC have.

I haven’t went for my divorce because he threatens he wants custody and he wants this and that all the time. He will get in there and fight it and stop it again. If I really get it back in court he will get his family to get him a lawyer. They have nothing to do with him 99.99% of the time but if he was going to court with me they would be behind him 100% and pay for a lawyer even though they have no idea what so ever what is going on how he treats the kids what he has done or anything else. I really don’t think it would matter if they knew. They would still help him to fight and get them even if he really don’t need to have them all the time. He has said it over and over to me again and again and to others that he don’t want them full time he can’t handle taking care of them full time. He just wants them on weekends and holidays and summer. The other summer shows he can’t even handle having them half a summer like he is supposed to. But here were we are if you show up with a lawyer and the other side don’t have one then you are just out of luck they get what they want. It isn’t worth it to me to risk losing my kids to him just because he wants to show me and get at me and not pay.

I am going to get a new set of divorce papers and I am going to have a lawyer fill them out for me. I am going to tell them I want child support, alimony, him to carry life insurance on himself, health insurance on the kids and anything else I can ask for. I don’t think I will get it all but if I don’t ask I don’t have a chance at getting it. I should be able to get alimony for sure because we have been married for 11 years going on 12 and we have been living together in the same house all but about a year of that. And that was years ago we have been for the last 2 to 3 years now. Really only for about 6 months do we show different addresses at all.

At this point the way he did me and the kids and still treat us he should have to at least pay alimony til me and the kids can get back on our feet and half of what it cost for daycare he isn’t having to worry about it and it is letting him work too. I just feel like he has done everything he can to keep us in the spot we are in even when I was willing to ask for nothing more than child support. He has kept me from working all this time refusing to come home and watch the kids when he could or to pay for child care to keep me from working then he should pay what I could have been making.

 

 

 

 

If Your An Elk Member

If your a member of the Elks lodge in your area I just want to say thank you so much for what you do for the families in your area.

My oldest son started getting OT through the Elks clubs months back. They send someone here to our home to work with him a hour each week. It is so nice to not have another appointment to run to and the other kids to have to sit through. We just make sure we are home and she shows up.

In October they had a big camping trip for the families of the kids they help. We went and stayed at camp the kids stay at over the summer. We stayed in the cabins they stay in and met the staff that are always there and run things. It was very nice and a lot of fun for the kids and family. In the summer the kids and their siblings who are old enough to go will get to go and stay a week at the camp.

One day a few weeks ago she was here and I asked her if she had a family that could use some clothes. I had a bunch of new jeans and shorts I had just bought him the last few months he wore a few times and out grew. She took them. Later she texted and asked what size the kids wore and I told her thinking she wanted to know if she came across someone getting rid of stuff. Then she was talking to the kids about Christmas and what they wanted.

He last day with us until after the new year was last week. She said why he was working on his stuff that she would be off the next two weeks for the holidays but she would be back this week with a car load of stuff for us. I looked at her funny she said really I have a bunch of stuff for the kids. She said that’s why I asked about what their sizes were and things. She gives the club she is part of the names of the kids in her families and they shop for the kids.

She wasn’t kidding when she showed up she had a bunch of stuff for all the kids not just my son that she works with. She also gave me an envelope with a bunch of gift cards they all purchased and gave her to give us.

The kids were so surprised and blown a way when they seen all that they brought and gave them. They are so thankful as well. They are writing letters to her and the Elks club to let them know.

We always do for others and help when we can. We use to do toys for tots every year this year we decided to buy for a little boy we know who we didn’t know if he would have Christmas or not. His family is going through a hard time. They are always asking where they can take their old toys to or to help people we see who are homeless. My son will ask mom can I have some money to give that person he will go up give it to them and talk to them and things. I see things come around to us a lot here and there, some big some little things that I don’t think they really notice. It is mostly things that don’t have to do with them or them directly so they really wouldn’t. But for them to do this just for them really made their day.

They hadn’t ask for much this year just a few smaller things and nothing outrages or costly like they have in the past. Well if you don’t count the motorcycle or real reindeer my 4 year old ask for. That’s another post. The last two years we were homeless before and during Christmas. I think it really made them think about things and what really matters and that we can’t get a ton of things and larger gifts. Not only are we on a budget but we also have 4 of them to buy for. They asked for things they would really use not just because they seen it on tv or the kid down the street has one. We only do about 3 to 5 gifts each depending on what the “bigger” or “nicer” gift is they get. They get stuff from extended family as well so they still end up with a lot of stuff. But for them to have all the extra stuff under the tree this year was fun for them and nice. It was a nice change for once instead of something else not so good happening.

I just want them to know how much it meant to me and our family to receive such a blessing from them this year. To say thank you so very much. I can’t express enough how grateful we are or say thank you enough. It may not seem like such a big deal but like I said it was to the kids.

We were able to get something a little nicer for the little boy we decided to get for and do a little extra for him as well. Like she said when she gave me the envelope with the cards in it she knew we would be grateful and pay it forward and we did.

A Blessed Day

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I hope that everyone has a very Merry Christmas and as blessed of a day/week we’ve had. It has been one of the best Christmases in a long time.

It has been a very busy week with last minute shopping and my little bitty being sick. Got to go to Christmas with the family right now but lots to fill you all in on hopefully tonight or in the morning. Probably in the middle of the night/early morning like most times after ever one gets to bed.

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Can’t wait to watch one of the kids favourite shows with them when we get home.

Not So Marry Christmas

Been fighting with Father of the year again today. I need to go Christmas shopping and can’t because he has to work. We didn’t have money to go until yesterday. I have said and said for weeks that I needed to go today or tomorrow. He could have gotten at least a day off for his vacation time. If he just talked to the guy at work told him what happen with his vacation and told him he just needed to take that one day. He wouldn’t he wouldn’t even consider asking.

My mom had said she was going to watch the kids this weekend but not if they were still “sick”. They aren’t sick their allergies are acting up. They all 4 went to the doctor and she gave them something to take they have been on it for a week just about. I never heard from her today when she said she would call. He knows that is a never going to happen thing or a when she gets good and ready a week or two later.

He gets home I am trying to get ready and go he says he is done he won’t have any more calls the rest of the night they other two guys will take care of them. I know he will they can’t take care of them all when they are all doing their jobs and 3 other peoples job. One was no call no show they other was fired and the last quit. Sure enough he got one before I could even put my shoes on.

I was saying something about everything. He starts yelling me how i should have did the shopping sooner this is my fault. We didn’t have money until yesterday. I am telling him I need to go because the things the kids want are sold out on line and it wouldn’t get here before Christmas. That in the store when me and the kids were looking around the stuff was sold out at ours or they only had 1 to 3 on the shelf. He says so just go get something it don’t matter. What’s the big deal. Really?

What’s the big deal? The big deal is my kids were homeless the last two not one but two Christmases because of things he did. I had to sit and watch my son cry because we couldn’t put up our own Christmas tree and things in the yard. Thank God this year we have a house and still have our stuff to put up even though we lost our special stuff.

What’s the big deal? The big deal is that after all my kids have been through the last two Christmases all that any of them have asked for all added up together don’t come to even $50 my kids have asked for hardly anything and have asked for very simple things they can use and would like to have and just want to have a nice holiday this year. All he can say is what’s the big deal just go get something it don’t matter.

He just likes to ruin anything and everything he can and it seems it don’t matter who it is for any more be it be me or the kids. Pretty sad when you do your kids that way.

Really none of them asked for anything that big. My big boy wants some action figures, a k’nex kit. My big girl wants a sd card, a book, a remote control helicopter and a board game. My little guy wants a skateboard. I asked him what else he wanted because I really don’t know what to get him he said just a skateboard. I even said tell me 5 things you really or would like to have. Just so I have a idea of a few other things to get him. He had no clue himself. And my little bitty she don’t care she is thrilled with just about anything. If you got her some shoes and a baby and the baby a pair of shoes she would be in heaven.

I showed her a picture of a baby doll on line she couldn’t see it’s feet. She started pointing to it and asking if it had shoes. She is a show queen.

I don’t think wanting to get them the few things they really want and asked for is to much at all. It is way cheaper than what we end up spending most the time. I even was looking at things they asked for but nicer ones because I want to make sure it is going to last I budgeted so much for each one I spend a little more. They say no we really want this one when we are looking at them. I even said I like this one or think this one would last longer or better. They say no mom I want this one it is so cool or better because and name off the stuff it can do that the others can’t. Then they will say but I would really be happy with any of them if you got me one and it was a different one. That’s just the one I thought was best. How can a fight with that?

My friend J and her hubby got them new sneakers last year. She told me today that sometime she was talking to my oldest. I guess she told her they were going to get them a pair of shoes or something. She said she asked her if it is the same price could I have a pair of boots instead of sneakers? She told her the ones my dad got her last year for her birthday were getting to tight but she really liked them. But only if it wasn’t going to be more than what she had planed to get.

No it isn’t about giving my kids everything they want or them having everything the way they want it. It’s about they are kids they have been through a rough time and if this year I can give them the little things they would like to have what’s wrong with that? Why wouldn’t you want to do that for your kids if you could? Not like they get a ton of stuff through the year. If they get stuff it’s used most the time and cost next to nothing or nothing. I shop for deals and find a lot.

In other news Father of the years dad text him and asked what the kids wanted for Christmas. This was a surprise because we have not heard from them in months like I think September was the last he heard from them. I asked the other day if they planed to get together or what because I might like to make some plans. He said no he hadn’t heard from them. By now they have wanted to know what the kids wanted for Christmas. So he text me and told me and asked me.

I told him they all three would love to have another tablet. The boys got broken with in weeks after Christmas and I didn’t have the money to fix or get new ones. My oldest hers broke the other day it won’t come on or do anything. I think she dropped it some how. You can pick them up really cheap too. Compared to how they spend most the time. They could get 3 of them for less than what they spend on one. Father of the year said something about my little bitty and if she would use one. I told him not to worry about it they wanted to know what the older kids wanted I’m sure. Last year they didn’t send her anything or anything for her birthday. Although his brother send her something for her birthday and I think for Christmas as well. She won’t know the difference she will get stuff form all of us and my family.

Later he text or called and said his dad said he ordered 4 and they should be delivered to our house by Wednesday. I was very shocked when he said that. I don’t want to hear they bought my kids stuff blah blah blah because that is just how they are. Or that I asked them to buy her something. He did it on his own a cord and if anyone says anything that is just what I am going to tell them too.

Heck last year they spend a lot on my oldest I would say close to $200 if not more. Then my oldest son they spent maybe $30 on and my little guy they spent $2 on. They don’t have to spend $200 on all 3 put together even. But how dose that look to the kids when you buy one this really big really nice gift and the other one got something that was just your average whatever and then the other gets something for like $2. I don’t see how people do that to kids. I don’t spend $1 for $1 on each one, but when they look at their stuff they aren’t going to go mom spent more on that one less on that one and nothing on me or less on me. They look around and think they got stuff that was comparable to what the others got as for quality and things.

90% of the time what they give them is above their level or to small for them. If you say something or ask about trading it for something they will use they get mad. It isn’t a big deal to me my kids will either play with it or toss it down and forget it. I just don’t want to see what they give them tossed around never played with because they didn’t understand it or it was to below where they are. But they don’t look at it that way. They look at  it like we are trying to control what they get and if it isn’t just what they asked for it needs to go back. That is so far from the truth,

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