Sitting here watching t.v needing to go to bed but dreading it. It’s so empty and cold. It just reminds me of how empty and lonely I have been feeling lately. Once I go it is so hard to get out of it in the morning when I need to. I just feel like I could curl up and sleep forever.
Sitting here looking at father of the year don’t help things any. Not that I want to get back with him in anyway shape or form. But do you know what it is like to sit here and see someone all the time, that you once had so much with and cared so much about. While you feel so lonely? That is the person that you use to go to for anything and everything. The one that could make things better when you felt that way.
It just makes going through all this harder than it should be. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel. It just makes me want him gone even more.
I have thought about trying to meet someone a lot the last few weeks. I really want to, I just can’t get past the situation I’m in and what a horrible idea it is. I try to tell myself it really don’t matter what situation I’m in. I tell myself I don’t have to be looking for anything that is going to turn into anything. That I can just find someone to hang out with for the here and now. That it don’t matter what their intentions. Who cares if they aren’t looking for anything more than the here and now or the until something better comes along. Or whatever it is.
But I can’t get past the fact that it’s really not what I want. I know that the first guy or maybe 10 or 20 guys I meet and talk to may not be the one. But at the same time I can’t get over the thought that who that’s decent wants to talk to some one in this situation. Rather it were to end up long term or not.
To be really honest I am not ready to deal with the guys who think it is just a easy shot at getting laid. Because even though I’m lonely and would like to meet someone I’m really not interested in jumping into that. It’s the last thing I really want right now.