Becoming A Dealer

I think I am going to become a dealer. It isn’t a get rick quick thing and takes some money and time to get into. It’s something I have thought about doing for a long time. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it the other night when I was trying to think of something to get into.

Well I know why because I was looking at a little small store front with no parking spaces of its own. It is in a little down town area where you park and walk to what you want to go to. I stalk the block making two to three passes before I either get a place where I want it or run out of time and park where ever and walk. We are there once a week with the two little ones the closer I can get the better.

Anyway back to my business adventure, I like dealing with cars and trucks. I love to car and truck shop as much or more than most people like to clothes shop or shop for other things in general. I hate to clothes shop or really shop for other things most the time. But if I could shop for cars and trucks and get paid to do it that would be great. Like a dream come true. I get to work around something I like doing. I could set my hours and work around my family. I could hire someone to work for me since they pretty much get paid commission I wouldn’t be putting out money for a worker unless they sold something.

I could also do reposing if I had too. I wanted to get into reposing before but they put a bunch of restrictions on it than when I first looked into it. I have to check again but I think there are loop holes if you are doing it for your own company. I hate the idea of having to take someone’s care away. But many times people will call and try to work something out and deal with you, let you know what is going on. It’s the ones who try to avoid you and not let you know what is going on that I would be most apt to go after. I am sure I will have to go after some of the others as well but like anything else it is part of the job nothing personal. You can’t get to involved in it and become friends with people to the point you can’t separate work from business.

I have researched tonight and I know I have to get a surety bond, tax number, employee id number, training, have an approved lot, Garage liability insurance, fingerprinting and all. Just to turn in the application for approval. It is $300 once its approved and $54.xx for each person that will be fingerprinted.

I am sure there is other stuff that I need as well. I have to call around the next couple weeks and find out what inspections I need what I need to have a approved dealer lot. I know you must have so many parking places for the cars you are going have selling. I am not sure how many you need to start or any other restrictions or inspections I will need either. I also need to figure out the charges for them all how long it takes to get everything done, when, where the next raining class is and cost. How long it takes to get approved to open the doors once you turn everything they want in.

It would be nice if I could get everything in order and have it open by June. Sooner would be nice but I have to do everything find a place see what it is all going to cost and make sure I have the money to do it.

Plus I want my divorce over before I start the process. I don’t want him to try to say he has any claim to any business I start and if we are married he will try every which way to be a a part of it. He will see it as a way to get money and not have to work or pay support if he can get his hand in on it. This another way to stay tied to me make me see him every day or all the time and have to deal with him and share what I started and earned with him. Or for me to buy him out if he tries to say it is part his. I will not do any of the above. If I have to line everything up and sit on it until my divorce is done and open doors the next day.

I am not worried about dealing with the customers and doing the paperwork and making the deals. I am pretty good at dealing with people and doing office work. I’m not to worried about making deals and buying cars either because I love to do it.

My biggest problem is I can tell many times if something is wrong and have an idea of what it is. If the car sounds funny or drives funny, I can check the floods and see if it seems like its been taken care of or if it looks like it has never had anything done to it. I can figure cost of parts and repair. I just can’t make sure it’s what I think it is or check it for a lot of other things that could be wrong and things that could need to be fixed write a way.

Just starting out I am not going to have the money to pay someone and keep them on the books to check them out and do minor repairs. I think I may have an idea on how to work that until I can, really if it works out good I may not have to have that cost all the time at all. I know a lot of people who work on cars. I could sign a deal with one or two of them that they will check the car out for me I would have to pay that off the top. Then if I get it and it needs stuff I need them to take care of I will pay them once the car sells. Once I get a couple of cars sold I could put money aside so that I could pay them upfront for the cost. I know one of two that would more than likely do it for me with no problems. I would even be willing to give them a little more for doing it that way. This so that I can do it and get it done without having big out-of-pocket cost upfront.

A lot of lots around here way over price their cars to me and don’t want to make a deal or come off the price. I want to try to keep it at a fair price to start with, with a little wiggle room to knock a little off so people who want to haggle and feel like they got and even better deal will. But I have to be realistic as well and not price to low and not be able to get more cars, pay bills and help. It will just be one of them things where I have to go out and find supper good deals so that I can come back and sell them at the kind of prices I want to sell them for.

I have a few ideas for ways and places I could get decent cars and trucks other than the auction. I know some of the auctions around here you get pretty decent prices at as well depending on when you go. I just don’t know how good you can check the car out before you can buy it at the auction.

I figure I will start kind of medium to small. Depending on what kind of cars and trucks I can get. Price and work they need will be the biggest reason in how many and what I can buy. I figure if I can get between 10 and 20 care on the lot to start I will be doing ok and can add more as they sell. I hope to have my rent paid on the building and lot for a about 4 months. This way I can take the money from any of the cars that sell the first month and roll most of it into more cars for the lot. Then the second month I would take any money that came in and pay bills and rent then use the other to go toward cars. If I did this the same each month the rent would always stay ahead and I could still keep cars on the lot. If things go good then I hope to be turning a decent profit by the first year.

I know dreaming big. But you know what I figure dream big and stay realistic at the same time. I don’t see anything wrong with having big goals as long as you know that you may not make them in the time frame that you set but that you don’t give up on making them happen. I am one that I will set a big goal like that but know in my mind that it is about a 70/30 chance of it happening in my time frame. But it gives me motivation to work hard. I am ok if I don’t see a decent profit coming in for a couple of years. If it don’t happen the first year it will motivate me to work harder at it. I like a challenge and once I start I don’t give up easy. Like my long-term goal is to turn a decent profit, my short-term goal is to make it happen in a year. If I don’t hit my short-term then it pushes me that much harder to meet my long-term.

I guess I better go to bed for now. It is really late and I have to be up and out of the house by around 9 or so in the morning. Me and the kids are going to meet my friend J and have breakfast. They haven’t seen her and spent time with her in a while.

Lets Talk Business


I have thought about what kind of business to start again. I had it on my list of things I wanted to do by now (My Goals and Dreams). That and getting a new to us truck. I’m to get a truck in a few months and now I am trying to work things out and open a business of some kind as well.

I just can’t decide what I want to do. I have thought about a baby resale/consignment shop or thrift store. They wouldn’t be hard to start and pretty easy to run. But I just don’t know if that is something I’m really going to like doing once I get into it. I have tried to think of something else I could open but having a hard time coming up with anything.

I am not crafty and don’t want to deal with food and all the extra that goes into that. I have thought about errands runner but I think that it would be too much with 4 kids and until I can get it off the ground and making money I can’t afford a babysitter. They would have to go everywhere with me and sit and wait. I don’t know if it is something people would be interested in either.

I could take their pet to the vet, go shopping for them, get their tags for their car, or pretty much anything else you could think of. I would have set days I did something so that I didn’t have to go to places like the tag office two or three times a week and sit all that time. But if they really needed me to go a different day I could but it would cost extra.

I have thought about doing gift baskets as well but not sure about supply and demand other than holidays and what it would in tell to get all the stuff for the baskets. I’m sure I could find places to get the stuff but I worry there isn’t to much of a market for that. A lot of flower shops do gift baskets already.

I just wish I could think of some other things that would be easy and not to costly to get into. If I could find something from home would be nice too but I am not into mlm and that is about all I can come up with. I know there is more but I draw a blank or don’t have the training for a lot of what I see.

I guess I will have to keep looking and come up with something or just go with one of my first ideas and make it work until I come up with something else.

Looking More Like Christmas


I thought I posted around Thanksgiving but I guess I didn’t. We put our tree up a day or two after Thanksgiving and it has sat here since basically empty. It has some of them big plastic ball ornaments, they are pretty but they are just to big for the tree and it just looks so bear compared to normal. October through December is when we do a lot of our decorating for the holidays. We love decorating for Halloween/fall, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Christmas being our biggest one. When we had our house the kids each had their own little tiny tree in their rooms, the big tree was in the play room they could put what they wanted how they wanted. I had a little 4 ft one I sit up on a end table. I like the smaller tree. The kids love the big one. I always liked my grandma’s big tree she had for years when I was little.

We were so excited to get our tree up and put all our ornaments on it we have collected over the years since my kids were babies and I still had some from when I was a kid. We got it up and I grabbed the tin that had all the ornaments in it and it was EMPTY. It was the wrong tin. All this time I thought I had our stuff for our tree and it was the wrong tin. I have searched the house over, made him search the attic, laundry room, closets and anywhere I could think of. They are just gone. I am guessing they got thrown a way when the storage place through my stuff a way saying I left it after I called told them I hadn’t. But I can’t be 100% sure because I could have been seeing the wrong tin all that time. I wish I knew what they really done with my stuff I had just a few things I would give almost anything to get back. My grandma’s cross, an our Christmas stuff.

We did still have our outside stuff to put up and some new stuff from the last time we were able to put stuff up. A guy gave father of the year a big bin of lights and things. They were moving and couldn’t take it. They are going out of the country. There were two of them two little deer in there and a bunch of lights. We had our manger scene as well. So they were thrilled about that.

The last week or so we have been looking for ornaments and making them. We found a few little things we had still that got packed somewhere else besides the tin but not much. We went to a few thrift stores and found some really nice one.

We took cornstarch and baking soda and made home made ornaments. We used cookie cutters to make stockings, bells, gingerbread men, soldiers and others. After we baked them we painted them. tree1tree4tree3tree2

We finally had time to get them together put stings and hooks on them and get them on the tree. You would be surprised what $2 worth of things from the thrift store and some home made ornaments will do for a tree. We ran out of room. but we got them all on there.

We had a larger gingerbread man cookie cuter we made a bunch of them and gave them as gifts to friends, teachers and therapist. The kids got to paint all the ones for the people they were giving them to. My little bitty wasn’t up when we painted the little ones I painted a set for her. She was when we painted the big ones I had a extra one so I let her paint one it came out so cute. They put little googly eyes on their big gingerbread men.

this is my little guys he made for his teachers

this is my little guys he made for his teachers

The three my oldest boy made for his therapist

The three my oldest boy made for his therapist

The one my oldest made for some friends of ours.

The one my oldest made for some friends of ours.

The one my baby girl painted for me

The one my baby girl painted for me

Little White Lie

Father of the year was off today so I took my dad to do his Christmas shopping for the kids. He asked me to take him last week then everything happen with the electric, my little guy was sick so I couldn’t get someone to watch the kids. I told him I would come today when he was off and take him.

He was going to get them a nice dvd player for the car. I was looking to see what dvds they had and most all of them were scratched up to the point of getting rid of. I have already gotten rid of a lot of them over the last few years because they don’t take care of them. We had picked some up here and there for a $1 or whatever at yard sale or flea market. They haven’t taken care of them.

I told him there was no point in getting it because they would have nothing to play in it since they don’t take care of them. I am not going to keep wasting my money on them and it would be a waste of his money for it to lay around the house.

We ended up getting my little bitty a My Life Doll knock off of the American girl doll. My big boy wanted action figures we found some nice large Star Wars action figures. We got my oldest Chawbacca and my little one another different one they could play together. My big girl I got the game Risk. She is all into it been asking for it a few months.

We were ready to leave and I remebered I needed to pick up a book for my big girl. We started to the back of the store to get it. I look up and there sits the chair I been looking for my little bitty since her birthday or before. There was only 1 in the store. I grabbed it. I was going to put it on lay a way until Friday pay it out. I got back there they said that today was the last day to pick up so I couldn’t put it in. I almost didn’t get it but she really likes it. My son has one and she would fight with him to sit in it and it is something that will last her for years. I couldn’t leave it there. I paid more for my sons used than they wanted for this one new. Plus like I told father of the year she was supposed to get ear rings and her ears pierced for Chirstmas last year and never went and got them done. Her birthday she didn’t get what I had planed with just moving and money being so tight and having to get Easter for all the kids at the same time. The other kids won’t know if I spent a little more on her either it isn’t something they are going to look at and go oh mom spend more on her than us. I don’t spend the same on each one but I spend close with in $15 to $20 most the time over all.

I broke down and bought it with my money I had left on my card. After I dropped my dad off I went to my friend J’s house and stuck it in her extra bedroom because I have no where that my Little Bitty wouldn’t see it before next week. I don’t want her to see it and spoil it and if she did I wouldn’t be able to leave it up until Christmas she would have a fit til I let her have it right then and there.

I told my friend J how I got it and that father of the year didn’t know I had money. She knows that I don’t spend my money on just anything and everything it all goes into the house the kids and things like that. Once in a while me and her may go out for breakfast when he is off I get a day out with out the kids. Later we where at the store I was looking for a angel for the top of my tree. She said so I lent you how much today? I said what do you mean? she said so you can tell father of the year how you paid for the gift that cost what it did and get your money back. I said oh good idea. That is what I told him and he said ok he would give me the money Friday to pay her back.

You know what I can’t be honest with him say oh I have this or that with out him then holding back until I have to spend every dime I have. If he wasn’t that way then I could say hey you know I had more on my card than I thought when I figured out it was there. Then today I could have said you know the money I had I used it to buy this for one of the kids Christmas gifts. It should be left at that. But the way he tried to leave me with no money all the time so I have to come to him to even have a dollar to spend I am not doing any more.

I feel horrible about lying and I know it is wrong. But he has pushed things into the fight/flight mode and plays these mind games or whatever. I have to do what I have to do to get through this until I can get me and the kids out of here or him out of here.

Oh and I got my Little Bitty her very own little recliner chair. I got my little guy one when he was about a year and a half. The older kids got the new ds when they came out. He was to little so I got him the little recliner chair. We were in the store he seen it and loved it. Once Little Bitty got big enough to walk she sat in it all the time. She would fight with him to sit in it. His got broken some how the other month so it is put up until I can take it to my grandpa to see if he can fix it. I figure he probably can its just getting it to him. I may try to go tomorrow or the next day and see if he can. I have room in my living room again they both can sit our here. Or they can put them in the play room to sit and watch tv or read.

Holiday Stress

I was talking to my mom yesterday on the phone and she was talking about Christmas. She is big on buying everyone something and making sure everyone gets a gift that comes. But complains how she don’t have the money to do it and how she dose so much for everyone. I said I can’t buy for all the adults I am buying for my kids, my nicse and nephew that was it. I said everyone among their family will take care of getting each other something in their house. Meaning that my sister and her husband and two kids should buy for each other and their kids and my brother as well. That everyone knows when we get together that most of us will just be buying for the kids. I tell everyone ahead of time don’t buy me anything take the money and put it with what they are spending on all the kids if they rally want to to buy me something. Because I can’t buy for the adults and I don’t feel right them spending money on me when I’m not buying for them. It don’t seem right. I do have family that buys nothing for no one at all not even kids but then talks about what everyone is going to give them or what they got wasn’t good enough. When we talked about doing a name swap with the adults and just buying one they complained about that and didn’t want to do it. I know for a fact that they could buy one gift for $5 or $10 with no problem or even spending that on each of the kids. They just don’t want to. They just want what everyone gets them and 90% of the time will even take it back to get the money. That isn’t how it is with me at all.

But if I try to buy for everyone in the family it is over 20 people with just my side. When me and father of the year were together ad his side of the family we had close to 60 people or more to shop for. Including my 4 kids. Even if I spent just $10 each that is $600. That would be just getting each of my kids one little $10 something and nothing else. I know it isn’t about the cost but I want to get my kids more than something little. Birthdays and Christmas is when they get nicer things they want. Through the year we don’t buy a lot of toys or extra stuff.

She says that there will be someone who gets nothing at all from their family at home or anyone else. Leaving them with getting nothing at all that day. She isn’t going to sit there why everyone gets stuff and they get nothing. I understand not wanting that to happen but at the same time there really isn’t anyone who would end up with nothing but the one person from above who never gets anyone anything to start with. And if that is the case then she could just get her something and leave it at that. It’s none of anyone’s business to question why she got her something and not anyone else or just her and the kids. If they do then her explanation is enough and to bad if they don’t like it.

Then she asked if me and father of the year was going to get anything for each other. I said no I have no reason to get him anything. She says see then he would get nothing that day. Not true he would get stuff from his mom and dad and from his brothers and their family. So he would get something.

If anything I would be the one that ended up not getting anything because we don’t get for each other and there is no one else that would get me anything if we all just shopped for the kids. Again not a big deal I am just happy that my kids are not homeless for Christmas like the last two years and that things look like they are going to work out and be a lot better for us in the new year. 

She proceeded to tell me that I need to suck it up and get him something because of the kids. That they don’t have money to get him anything or me and that he needs to get me something so that they don’t feel bad because they were not able to get us something. It isn’t right for us not to get each other something.

First off I always give the kids money and let them go shopping for him when it is Christmas, his bday, fathers day or whatever. Because guess what growing up I wasn’t allowed to to buy my dad stuff for those things because no other than my mom refused to give me even $5 to or take me shopping and I always felt like shit because I didn’t have money and couldn’t get him something. But my dad took us kids shopping every year and let us pick out something for each other, my grandparents, aunts, uncles and my mom. And that was all for her family because my dads family were not around we didn’t see or talk to them. After the first year or so I started getting him something too when we would go because I knew that my mom wasn’t going to help me get him anything. I felt bad him buying it and getting it then but I wanted him to have something when everyone else did because he did for everyone. My grandma would get him stuff sometimes too but I never knew if she had that year or not and I don’t know if it was from us too or not. I am sure it was meant to be.

It wasn’t just my dad it was my sisters dad when they got a divorce as well. She didn’t get her stuff for him or let her shop for him either.

But when she said it I thought wow really it’s ok when you do it but it isn’t for me to? She didn’t ask if I was letting the kids get him something she asked if I we were buying for each other. Buying for each other and letting the kids buy for the other are two different things.

I have always said for years that we adults should buy for each others birthdays if we want to get for each other. That way they are spread out over the year. We could get more meaningful gifts than just getting something to get it and because it was with in our budget per person.

To be honest there are a select few that I do not buy for either because we do not speak to each other any other time of the year but holidays and thats only if they decide to show up and spend it with the rest of the family. And the ones they do decide to show up for are the ones that they may get something for like Christmas or their bday. They are the same ones that I no longer have in my home and I know go around town spreading lies and roamers behind my back. Then try put on this show to my face and people who know both of us and know how things really are. Why would I want to spend money on them if I had it? Most the time if I do have extra to spend I don’t buy for them. To keep from having problems I give everyone else their stuff when they are not around or drop it at their house. My sister and I have talked about it before I am not the only one they do it to they do it to her and even my mom. But that is her child and their family so I understand to a point why she still wants to do for them and treat them the same everyone to get along. But she will even tell you how they do. Me and my sister feel about the same way and a lot of times she will do the same as me. Because we have always tried to buy for each other if we can. But if we can’t it isn’t a big deal and we still buy for the kids. Lot of times she will tell me I got this for your bday if we can’t get time alone and she got me something and not everyone else. Because my bday is the day after Christmas.

I hate to be that way but if it was anyone else in this world that did the things they did and treated the family the way they do no one would think twice about not having anything to do with them and think we were crazy if we did and ran out to buy them things. But because they are family we are supposed to just keep “forgiving and forgetting” I’m not like that after so many times it is old and you are no different than any of the rest of the people on this planet and I am not going to keep just over looking it. Just as I wouldn’t with anyone else.

I always try to get something for my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa when I buy the kids stuff. But other than that I don’t feel I should be made to feel guilty or like I am wrong for not buying for all the rest if I can’t or I chose not to because of the way things are between us. I truly know that deep down I am not wrong but still feel guilty at times when she goes on and on about how we don’t buy for everyone. It is stressful already trying to make sure the kids all have a good Christmas. The holidays have been a hard time of year already for me and my sister even before we had kids and all this to worry about as we lost our grandma the day after Christmas on my birthday when she was pretty young and I was 20. We were both very very close to her. Our grandpa and aunt passed with in a year and few months of her passing. Her husband and daughter. They were both very sick though Christmas and new years the following year after her being sick.

I think it is just a very emotional time of year for me and my sister. I know it is for me. Even though we don’t talk about it I think it is one reason deep down we try to get each other a little something and she will get it for my “birthday” to keep the peace with everyone else if she can’t or don’t get fro everyone else.

I don’t understand where everyone thinks that your supposed to all of a sudden get hundreds or thousands of dollars extra this one month out of the year to be able to buy for everyone. Why it isn’t enough to just take care of your family in your house and just be happy to get together and have a meal together as one big family. Why it has to be about who gets what or who buys for who and who don’t buy for who.

I guess it just really gets to me how it really is just all about getting than what Christmas is really about. The fact that it don’t seem to matter that that extra money for that gift might mean paying a bill or not that month. We should not be taking out of our house hold budget to be buying things for Christmas and we shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for not doing it. The fact that it bothers me and stresses me out as much as it dose. But again I think because I am already emotional about the time of year as it is. Some years are better than others.

The fact that I am even made to feel like I don’t get my kids enough or nice enough stuff. No I do not spend a ton of money on them but I do get them things that they ask for and things they need. Last few years we been on a tight budget of almost not able to get anything and was homeless. They all 4 got basically the something. They got these nice piggy banks they been wanting, a watch they all been asking for and a few other smaller gifts. They got a tablet, that me their grandma split the cost of. That was the three older kids. the baby got a bank and some toys that were for her age because she was to small for the other stuff.

I was told my mom I can’t believe thats all you got them a watch and a bank. There was comment made about getting the bank and not putting any money in it for them. The tablets I shouldn’t have gotten them. I should have spent it on something else. But my kids wanted the tablets they wanted the banks and they wanted the watches. I could have got them a bunch of toys and they would have been toss around the house or stuck in a closet and for gotten about. She got my 10 year old some kind of baby doll that you “teach” to walk and though it was so great. My 10 year old does not play with dolls she has hardly ever really played with dolls since she was very young. She knows this but this is what she felt she should have so she got it. My daughter just said thanks and it has been floating around the house not played with. I am supposed to do the same. just get what they should be playing with or she feels they should be playing with. Guess what they still have the tablets and use them well the one that didn’t get broke but it was accident. They still have their banks they put their money in all the time and save it to get the things they want and they still have their watches. They don’t use their watches as much but it was one of them things they decided wasn’t something they really would use as much as they thought. But that’s ok they got the chance to have them and decide that because they wanted them and I got them.

Sorry for the huge long rant. I never meant for it to get this long or become this I sat down to write something different and this is what I ended up with. Guess I just needed to get it out there. My mom is my mom and all but she is someone that I don’t like having contact with or being around. But I do to a point because of the kids and because of the rest of my family I do like being around. Yes I could just see them other times when she isn’t there skip the family get together but it makes it easier to deal with her and the others when everyone is together than one on one. The kids get to see her and them and spend time with them and I have others I can spend time with and talk to.

Getting Back Some Control

I told father of the year a little bit ago that my phone needed to be paid today or it would go off in the morning.

He said their should be enough on the Gray card to pay it. Well at least to pay yours. I’ll have to pay it tonight.

I just said oh ok I didn’t think you had that much left. He told me the other day he left all the money in the truck when me and the kids were going somewhere. I guess that is all the cash he had left. I’m not sure what he has left in the bank. I was going to ask him because we need to pay on a few other bills so we don’t have to pay them out of checks next Friday. He was at a house for his call so he had to go.

I also called my account to see what I had left in it. I couldn’t remember the last few things I had bought on it. I have X put on it I keep track of it as I go. But lately it hasn’t been hard to keep track off because I pull all but about $20 off and pay the rent with it. This month since I ended up paying his loan back instead of rent I guess I ended up with more left than even I thought. I didn’t think I would have more than a few dollars left after paying his loan back and buying the kids all new jackets and things.

I was surprised when I called and it said I had just over $100 left. I’m not telling him or spending it unless I have too. I am going to let him go ahead and pay my phone. I paid his loan why shouldn’t he. If If something has to come up that needs to be paid then I will have to take out of it and pay it. But if not I am going to let him take care of it when he gets his checks Friday. Then I have to do Christmas shopping for the kids.

If I can make it till Friday without having to use it then I shouldn’t have to spend out of it at all. Then pay day for him again is the 2 nd. The rent is due the first but we have until the 4 th to pay with out having a late fee on it. I will let him pay it.

If I do that and just pick up a few of the bills then I should have a good little amount saved again. I will have to pull it off the card and find a place to hide it. That way if he gets a hold of my card and checks my balance like he has before then he won’t see it on there. I will pay for a few things here and there with it take cash and get things when me and the kids go out and just tell him I used it. As long as I find a hiding place he won’t know the difference.

I think I will also take a little bit of it and pay someone to fill out my divorce papers. If I play everything right then I will still have a decent amount put up. His last pay day in Jan is the 30 th so I can pay rent out of it and bills and be able to keep most of mine for February as well. Maybe things are starting to turn around and look up.

By then we will be getting tax money back. I am going to have him give me my half upfront so that I am not asking him all the time when I want to buy something and he can’t keep track of how much I have spent or have left.

I am just going to tell him I am going to be going shopping for a truck and I need it. He isn’t here until late at night a lot of times and I can’t take all of it off of his card it has to be taken out inside at the bank. I can’t do that since I am not on the account. If I find something I want to buy and he can’t get to the bank and get me the money then I could lose getting the truck I want. He can’t really fight with that. If he don’t want to give it to me I will take his card and get as much out as I can each day until I have my part out.

To Date Or Not To Date

Sitting here watching t.v needing to go to bed but dreading it. It’s so empty and cold. It just reminds me of how empty and lonely I have been feeling lately. Once I go it is so hard to get out of it in the morning when I need to. I just feel like I could curl up and sleep forever.

Sitting here looking at father of the year don’t help things any. Not that I want to get back with him in anyway shape or form. But do you know what it is like to sit here and see someone all the time, that you once had so much with and cared so much about. While you feel so lonely? That is the person that you use to go to for anything and everything. The one that could make things better when you felt that way.

It just makes going through all this harder than it should be. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel. It just makes me want him gone even more.

I have thought about trying to meet someone a lot the last few weeks. I really want to, I just can’t get past the situation I’m in and what a horrible idea it is. I try to tell myself it really don’t matter what situation I’m in. I tell myself I don’t have to be looking for anything that is going to turn into anything. That I can just find someone to hang out with for the here and now. That it don’t matter what their intentions. Who cares if they aren’t looking for anything more than the here and now or the until something better comes along. Or whatever it is.

But I can’t get past the fact that it’s really not what I want. I know that the first guy or maybe 10 or 20 guys I meet and talk to may not be the one. But at the same time I can’t get over the thought that who that’s decent wants to talk to some one in this situation. Rather it were to end up long term or not.

To be really honest I am not ready to deal with the guys who think it is just a easy shot at getting laid. Because even though I’m lonely and would like to meet someone I’m really not interested in jumping into that. It’s the last thing I really want right now.

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