{January 31, 2015}   Memories

I remember when I was about 14 my dad had this big car it was a diesel, it was purple and it ran. Like you just floating down the road. It was like a land yacht. My grandpa his dad had some hunting property south of us about 100 miles. It was about 5 am I was up I couldn’t sleep for some reason that night. My dad got up and said lets go to camp. I had never been there my mom always told us if we went we couldn’t be allowed to go back to my dads. She didn’t want us around the guns and they drank down there a lot of times. There was always a bunch of people out there. She didn’t trust my dad. So me and my brother had never got to go. I decided I didn’t really care I wanted to go so I got my stuff and off we went for the day. I drove us all the way there. We pulled over inside the gate to get the guns out the sun was just starting to come up. You look out through the fields and there was deer all over. You couldn’t shoot where we were we still had to go a few miles or more in before you could hunt. A truck passed why we were sitting there he said that was grandpa’s friend going out to the camp so there would probably be a fire when we got out of there. It was so cold out I remember freezing on the way. I turn the heat on it get to hot turn it off and it get cold. We rode turning the heat off and on. We got out to the camp and parked he wanted to go hunt for a little bit since everything was just starting to move around. We walked and walked for miles. I don’t know how he was even able to find his way back to our camp and where we were supposed to be because everything pretty much looked the same. Once in a while you see a camper someone had pulled out there or something. We got back to the camp my shoes and feet were soaked it was so cold. They had gotten a big fire going. I was so tired I hadn’t slept at all the night before really. They had cinder blocks around the fire to keep it contained. I got one and pulled it as close to the fire as I could get without getting burnt sat down. I pulled off my socks and shoes and put them up on another one a little closer to the fire hopes they would dry quick and not melt or catch on fire. I fell a sleep, I would wake up off and on and move around because the block was so uncomfortable to sit on. I kept falling in the whole on it. I can remember still to this day over 15 years later thinking why in the hell would they put that freak-en whole in the block and why they wouldn’t have something else to sit on. I sleep for a few couple hours or more probably then got up. My shoes and things were pretty dry probably would have caught fire if I hadn’t woke up and got them. They had went across the street/path or whatever to this old camper they were gutting and using for fire wood. We hung out for a little while longer then we decided since my grandpa wasn’t out there to make the 50 mile drive over to his house before we headed home. I drove us all the way to his house and we hung out there for a while. It was nice to get to see him because I hadn’t gotten to in a long time. Then I drove us home. I don’t think my mom knows to this day that we went or that I drove us the 200 mile or more trip all the way there and back. I know she didn’t know at the time or the shit would have hit the fan. I probably would have never been allowed to see my dad again. I didn’t have a learners permit or anything at the time. She says she taught me how to drive when I was like 16. I had been driving for two years before that. My dad had this big station-wagon it was a stick shift. That was the first thing I learned how to drive in a closed down K mart parking lot one night. Then I use to drive me and my aunt through the neighbourhood to the little store because she couldn’t learn how to drive it for the life of her. My dad was tired of having to load everyone up and drive a few blocks a way to the little store every time she wanted to go. So he taught me to drive it in a few minutes he had been trying to show her forever. Sometimes she would drive and I would just have to make sure it was in park and things when we got where we were going. It just got to where it was easier for me to drive. Few times she didn’t get it right the car almost rolled a way why we were in the store.

{January 31, 2015}   I have Decided

I have decided I don’t really care at this point and time what my friend may or may not want. Does it really matter we are both adults so what ever we do don’t really matter. We both know what we are doing and no one is forcing anyone to do anything so I’m not really going to think about it or worry about it.

I tried to stop by his place the other night I went out for a little bit. I had to pick up the kids meds and was going to run to the store. He had given me his address and told me to stop by if I wanted to. But I couldn’t find his place. I went up and down the street 3 times. I seen the numbers before his and after but not his. It was hard for me to see the addresses in the dark. By the way the addresses were going I tried to figure out what one was his but couldn’t. The one or two I thought might be his had a bunch of cars parked around it. The others didn’t look like anyone was home or up and I knew he was up and there. He told me he be home the night. I started to stop at this one now I am glad I didn’t because it was wrong place.

I might go by tomorrow evening depending on how tomorrow turns out.

{January 31, 2015}   Nightmares & Don’t Die Here

Yesterday my big boy got up really upset and started crying when we started talking. He said he had a nightmare. He said grandpa was a ghost and he stole his van with him and his brother and sisters in it and kidnapped them. He said he took them to what looked like the library but it was dark. He let them go.

I said maybe he was just pulling a trick on mommy and trying to do something fun with you all. He said no was still really upset. I told him that ghost can’t drive cars and that grandpa would never kidnap him or the or the other kids. He said well they can if they haunt the car and take it over and what if grandpa haunted his van? I told him grandpa wasn’t going to do that and that people that love us and care about us don’t come back to haunt us when they die. He was having no part of that.

I told him that grandpa might be coming to stay with us and he said can’t we just go see him. He didn’t want him to stay with us. I asked him why he said he didn’t want him to die here. I told him it would be ok and that he wouldn’t stay here once he passed they would pick him up and do what needed to be done with him. He was talking about that what they do with you and all. I told him they take you to be barred or cremated or put in the mausoleum. He was asking what all that meant and why people wanted to do different stuff. He said he didn’t want to be melted to death so he didn’t want to be cremated. I told him he would already passed away he wouldn’t be alive if they did it but he didn’t have to do it. Then he said he didn’t want to be in the ground so he guess they could just stick him beside the wall. I told him they didn’t stick you beside the wall they put you in it. He looked so unsure then. I told him he didn’t have to worry about it right now he had a while to think about it learn more and decide.

He still says he don’t want grandpa to come here and to die here. I told him he needed to be taken care of and that he maybe coming here that it wouldn’t change anything if he was to die here. I told him even if he did he wouldn’t be a ghost his soul would go to heaven. That once you die it’s just your body there. I showed him his brothers stuffed bare and told him it was just like that just a body nothing else. He just said he knew but he still didn’t like the idea of him dying here that he would rather just go see him.

I guess that will be something we have to deal with if he ends up coming here to stay so that we can take care of him. I will just have to deal with that when it happens. I can only do so much and some things are just a part of life.

My kids have never really dealt with someone close to them dying or being sick and having to be taken care of. They have never been to a funeral or anything like that. So they have no idea what to expect. Unfortunately for them it is at such a young age. I went to my first funeral and dealt with the loss of someone close or I knew at 18. It just snowballed from there over the next 3 years. The last 12 or so have been good for family and close friends. So this is all so new and scary for them.

{January 31, 2015}   Taking Care Of My Dad

I went Wednesday and Thursday to take care of my dad. Wednesday wasn’t bad, I got him to eat a pudding cup and helped him get changed and just spent time with him. The kids sat at the kitchen table or on the couch and watched tv or played with a couple toys that were out. They weren’t allowed to go in the playroom. Thursday I took their tablets and they did the same sat and played with them read or watched tv.

Thursday my dad got up to go to the bathroom and came out and wanted to take a shower. The aid was supposed to be coming to help him with it I tried to tell him he insisted on taking one right then and there. So I told my brothers daughter what I was doing and called him to see if we had to go in with him and give him one or if he was still doing it himself. He said you had to go in help him. So I did. The kids were out in the other room. My brother got home for lunch why I was in helping him get a shower.

I got him all dressed and we came out. He was in talking to a lady from hospice that came to sit with him in case we needed to do anything or what. He went in the kitchen. I got my dad back in bed and settled and went to get him a drank or something. I asked my brother what he was talking about bringing someone in to take care of him?

He said he was getting someone to come in 3 days a week Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. That we could split it and things. I told him again I could be there Thursday and Friday but not Wednesday. That I didn’t have money to pay someone to take care of him and that I was there to do it. I wanted to do it not some stranger. He started that the house was crazy with the kids there and there being a new baby and daddy in there sick. That they weren’t letting him rest and he was stressed out over it and that he was getting this lady to come in and we could work out paying for it later and that it would be taken care of one way or the other. I told him I wasn’t paying someone to come there and take care of him when I could do it and wanted to do it myself. He said no I couldn’t and all this. I got mad I told the kids to come on we were leaving to go tell grandpa bye.

I went in and sat down and talk to my dad. I told him I loved him I was going to go and take the kids home because I didn’t want them to bother him, stress him out and keep him from resting. He said they weren’t. I already knew. I said well that is what I am being told. I was told that I can’t come and take care of you he wants to have this other person do it. He said I can’t rest anyway that lady sitting here all the time. I told him he could tell her to leave or go in the other room. But that I couldn’t take care of him because my brother wouldn’t let me. He ask me what day it was I told him he wanted to know the date I told him. He said just wait we will see. I said well this is how he wants it so. He just said it again we will see. I didn’t know what he meant by it and he said he was getting mad. I said I am not trying to upset you or make you mad. I just want you to know that I love you and I will come take care of you any time but that I am not being allowed to he don’t want us here. I said just like we talked about when you were in the center last week. You see the first two days and this is what he is saying doing. I told him I would be back to see him either Friday or over the weekend. He said ok.

I also told him when he was talking about it if they couldn’t take care of him then I would take him home and take care of him not have some stranger doing it all the time. He got all mad and blew up that wasn’t happening and he wasn’t coming to my house. How my house was filthy and dirty I have dogs and kids here. He has only ever been to my house once when he rushed down here and took my dad home the other week when he tried to come see me and the kids and have dinner. My house isn’t dirty. His house stinks he has carpet the dogs have pee on it and everything else. I have my dog that is about 50 lbs and the two pups. One of the pups is going to a home. He has a dog that is bigger than my dad down there that could knock him over or anything.

I am going tomorrow when father of the year is off and talking to my dad. I am going to tell him just like we talked about before if he wants to come here then we will go get a trailer and get his stuff and bring him home tomorrow if he wants. He will have his own room with a bathroom. It is at the other end of the house so if he wants to rest he can the kids are in the living room or play room so he won’t hear them. His bathroom has a shower he can get in and out of and it is big enough that he can bring whatever he wants and put in there. If there isn’t room then we have other places we can put it.

I know if he dose my bother is going to have a fit because there is something he is worried my dad is going to tell someone. He don’t want anyone to be alone with him. He keeps making comments about him and things too like he just needs to go ahead and go and things. He isn’t in good shape at all but he knows all that is going on and things. He says he isn’t in any pain the meds are working good and things. He just don’t like it he can’t take care of himself and things. But he isn’t ready to go.

I figure he is going to start calling people and sending them to my house if my dad decides to come home with me. All I got to say is he better thank really long and hard about it and he better thank twice after that. Because everyone knows something about them that if they get called on they wouldn’t let my dad stay with them and there may be no kids in that house for a while as well and some in trouble. If he starts with me I will most differently say something. I don’t like the idea of his old lady taking care of my dad nor do I trust her really to.

I left the lady was there for another 2 to 3 hours and the aid was supposed to be coming in so I knew he would be taken care of. I kept wondering what he meant by wait and we will see or wait and see. I thought of it when I went to bed Thursday. He wasn’t going to go for this person taken care of him and he wasn’t going to let her or make it easy for her probably.

Sure enough Friday before 7 I get a call from my brother wanting to know if I was on my way. I been going there about 10 so he knew I wasn’t. I said no why? He said because dad has a big mess here and needs to be cleaned up and help and he is refusing to let me do it and says he don’t want anyone to help him but you. I said well I have to get dressed get the kids up and ready and get up there. It be at least a hour probably before I could get there. He said I will just have to talk to him and get it done. I’m going to be late for work and everything. Hour and half two hours later he calls me back and wants to know if I am coming up today and telling me all this stuff that needs to be done and everything. I said no I wasn’t palnning on it other than maybe later of a few minutes to see him. He said well I guess I will have to do it at lunch time and be late back to work again. I said well I wanted to do it and you told me I couldn’t you didn’t want me to and that you were going to pay someone to come in and do it. So I have things I need to do and planed to take care of today. Well she can’t come til next week she is sick and blah blah. I said well I don’t know. I have to go somewhere I don’t know when I will get out of there or how long it will take. Thanks for nothing he says and hangs up the phone.

I text him told him not to call me telling me thanks for nothing and hang up on me and that this wasn’t my doing this was his. That he insisted that I couldn’t come there and take care of him that he didn’t want me to and that now he is in a jam he wants me to come up there that isn’t how it worked. I wasn’t here to just come when he is in a jam that if he don’t want me to do it any other time it was a problem it would be then to.

He had the nerve to text me back say that all he said was that his wife wasn’t a maid and his daughter wasn’t a babysitter. I said she hasn’t been a maid the kids drank out of a cup why they were there I bought them lunch and they didn’t even use plates or nothing. That I was there with the kids all day both days and they sat on the couch and watched tv or sat at the table playing with their tablets. That the only time I wasn’t right there with them was why I was in the bathroom giving him a shower and cleaning him up. But I guess I should have made it even harder for my dad and had them all in there with me like it was a show. He just text back and said well I’m just saying that if you can’t respect my house then stay out of it. No one has disrespected his house.

I wanted to go today and yesterday to see my dad but I didn’t because I am not fighting with them to see him. I am not going by myself because they are not going to start with me and then tell everyone I did this or that or said whatever. Just like he is trying to do about taking care of him. I want someone with me because if my dad says he wants to come stay with me then I am bring him then. We have to get all his stuff.

There was no reason my brother couldn’t help him he has before and my dad didn’t care a couple days ago if father of the year helped him. I asked him if he would rather me or him help him when he needed to change and things. He said he didn’t care. I just done it. So why would he care that my brother help him? He also knows I don’t come that early and that I can’t be there that fast it takes at least 30 minutes or so to drive up there if I can just walk out the door get in the car and go. He just mad about the way my brother is doing and he thinks if he insist enough or gives them a hard enough time then they will have to let me come and do it.

If that happens then I am going to tell him I can’t come to there house and sit for hours and hours all day like a full time job so I am now going to take him home with me where I can take care of him and do what needs to be done for my family as well. I feel that if they can’t do it then he needs to be somewhere that someone is home and can do it. Just like my brother saying of if you can come Monday and Tuesday as well and help his old lady out as much as I can it would be a big help because she is off them two days. But she has school work to do and that is when she makes her appoinments and all this. So basically we will be at work these three days come all day and sit with him and then these two days we don’t want to do it or can’t so you come do it then too. Then why is he there if they can’t do it? I don’t see why she can’t do her school work them days either because there isn’t that much to do for him. He may need changed here and there and someone to make him lunch. Most the time I just sit there with him and spend time with him, get him up and sit outside with him and things. Other than having to give him a shower the one day. Most the time the aid dose that. Her daughter is there as well and can even make him lunch or feed him. Most the time he feeds himself.

He makes me sick too he says oh we need to pay this lady to come in and take care of him. Then he says when she isn’t doing stuff for dad she is going to clean up and do stuff around the house so that it isn’t falling apart like it is. Well if there isn’t that much to do for my dad she is going to be mostly there to clean there house. Why should I pay someone to come in and clean their house? Their house is never clean he just wants to try and put on this whatever because these people are in and out of his house now.

My house isn’t spotless but it isn’t dirty it don’t spell. It is clean it is lived in and it is a little cluttered but not dirty. He can say what he wants.

I am here most all day every day unless we have a doctors appointment or something to go to. Tuesdays I’m gone for about 2 hours or so. I can arrange for the hospice people to be here with him or get someone to come sit with him.

You know I don’t understand the state sometimes. They tell all these people they are going to give them this scholarship to send their kids to private school or homeschool them. If they have one of the special needs that’s on their list and your are one of the first 1800 to get approved. This isn’t why we started homeschooling, we started before I ever found out about it. We did apply when we found out and got approved and was awarded the money. But you also could not be enrolled in a public school. So some people had to pull their kids out of school who wanted to get it. Keep in mind these kids are special needs kids. They have different therapies and things they are getting through the school that is hard to get other places and some insurances won’t pay for. And they are waiting on this money to buy curriculum for the year to teach them or the money to put them in a school.

Here we are a month into the second semester of school for our area and the money is sitting there pretty much unable to be used. Others are still waiting to hear if they got it and have their accounts funded. We got our letter November/December and our founds were put into our account the end of December.

But the way they are doing it right now is that you have to buy the stuff upfront out of pocket and then turn your receipts into them and wait to be reimbursed. Wouldn’t be to big of a problem except for the fact that a lot of the curriculum is close to $100 or more. Then they don’t reimburse you in a few weeks or a month it’s whenever they get to it. They can’t tell you when that might be. Some people have waited months and months to get money back. Some are still waiting and have been waiting forever already. The math and spelling I want to use with the kids is around $400. But it is the books the extra stuff to go with it and all. I ordered the set of everything because I plan to use it with both kids and I plan to use it for more than just a year. It is set up to be used for years. The math on the other hand I figure we will finish in a year or less but not sure. I ordered the first 13 books and they have 20 lessons each. I figure the first couple they may finish faster than the others because it will be review probably for them. I also pan to ad some lessons and things to it. Them I plan to keep and put up for my little ones once they get ready to start schooling.

They are supposed to have a plan in place where you can send them a list of things that you want and what site you want them from they will order and send it to you. Well they took that a way before we ever got our funding and most people have yet to see the things they have asked for. Some just a few days ago said that they looked and it says their stuff was bought but is now being shipped to the scholarship place. How are they going to figure all that out and what goes to who once it gets there? It was supposed to be shipped straight to them. Who is going to now pay the shipping to get it from there to the people it was supposed to go to to start with. Is that going to come out of the scholarship now too? It shouldn’t because a lot of places have free shipping if it is over so much and when it don’t the shipping isn’t cheap because most stuff isn’t light. Why should we have to pay shipping when it was free or already paid for once?

We have done some school and the kids are learning everyday doing different things. We just don’t have a curriculum we are following right now or written work we are doing right now. They are more researching different things that they want to learn about or know about. My son was asking me today about the different presidents and why they did different things or who did what. I told him that would be great to look up and read about. It just so happens that not long after our talk we stopped at a little used store and found 8 nice books about 8 of the different ones. I got them all for us to use. They have a lot of information in them they are from one of the local jr high schools.

I wasn’t counting on the scholarship to buy stuff because, I decided and started schooling before I even knew about it and I really figured that when I applied it would be to late he wouldn’t get it. But then when they said he had it I figured I would use it to buy us some different things than what we been doing. What we had been doing really wasn’t working for us. I was going to find something else to use but then we got it so I figured instead of finding something else to use then changing again once we order our stuff and switching again this year I would just wait and we would have stuff by the end of the month. Well they haven’t even gotten the thing set up where we can really use it yet an we are almost to the end of the month. I already counted on using the summer to make up for time we took off but now it looks like we are going to run into next year’s school time before we get to finish. I am thinking about just schooling until November once we get our stuff then taking off November and December. Then start our new school year January. Then do the same and just start our new year the first of the year every year and take that break at the end for holidays and things. But I just thought I don’t know how that will work because we are thinking of starting a new program and I am not sure how they run their year. I guess I will figure that out once we look into it and decide.

But what about all these kids who need the founds to get thereapy for their kids and to buy stuff to teach them who are waiting because they said that you couldn’t have your child enrolled in public school and still get it. What are they going to say when they don’t have a portfolio together at the end of the year or don’t do good on the test if they decide to go that route since they didn’t have the stuff they needed to do school.

I understand that this is the first year they have done this. But why didn’t they figure all this stuff out before they put it out there for everyone to apply for it? At least let people leave their kids in school until they got it approved. Then give them so many days to take them out or something. It isn’t a huge big deal for us because with all that is going on with my dad we are taking a little extra time off. But I would like to get the stuff ordered why we are taking a break so that we can get started on it when we are ready to start back.

{January 26, 2015}   Angry, Mad, Sad, Selfish

I understand my little guy being angry his grandpa is sick and not going to get better. I go back and forth how I feel as well.

I am very angry sometimes, other times just mad and upset. I sit and think, Why my dad? why now? Why so young? Why while my kids are so young? Why can’t they grow up with their grandpa like I did? Why him when he helps everyone and dose so much for everyone? Why him and not someone else? Why not some of these people who have done nothing but cause problems or try to cause problems for us? Why someone who cares so much and tries to do as much as he can for anyone who needs it? Why this way? Why dose he have to get in the shape he is in not able to take care of and do for himself? He is such a strong person hates to ask or need anyone to do for him? But now he can’t do anything for himself hardly.

I think its my dad I feel like it’s one of my kids almost. I can’t describe how I feel. Such a void just a large empty spot. It isn’t right it isn’t fair. I feel like he is just leaving me I know he isn’t I know this sure isn’t what he wanted. I know he sure don’t want to be this way and didn’t chose to be. I know he don’t want to leave us. I know it has to be killing him thinking of the kids and things. I know he don’t want to go. No one wants to go like that.

I don’t think anyone wants to know they are going to go. It’s like just sitting and waiting to what not wake up one day? Sitting and thinking about what it is going to be like, what you are going to be doing if you are still able to do anything and know what’s going on, wondering if it is just going to be painless and quick or if its going to hurt or be drug out some how. It isn’t even me and these are things I think of so I can only imagine what he must be thinking. It kills me knowing he is sitting there feeling who knows what and thinking who knows what. How do you talk to someone about something like that? He can’t hardly talk now it is so hard to hear him. I have to put my head on his shoulder and really strain to hear what he is saying. I know that drives him crazy and one reason he don’t say more. So then he is just sitting there staring around thinking who knows what unable to talk. He just kept laying there holding my hand and rubbing my hand the other night. He said a few things here and there. I know he is thinking about what is going to happen to everyone and all when something happens. He keeps bring up the insurance and things to me. I know for him to bring that up so much he is thinking about us with out him.

Then I think to myself how selfish of me to feel the way I do and think the things I do. I’m 34 years old I have had my dad in my life for 34 years. He has gotten to see me graduate high school, finish my school for massage therapy, help me buy my house, help me do work to it, see all my kids and watch them grow up to different points, came and spent time with me and the kids. Bought the kids their bikes helped them build their bunny a cage. Just anything and everything you could think of really.

I think about a friend and her kids. She lost her husband almost 4 years ago Mike Got A Miracle. Her kids one wasn’t even in jr high and the other one may have been in 6 Th grade. They are missing out on all the things I got to do with my dad. He isn’t there for their school stuff, he isn’t going to be there to walk her down the aisle for her wedding, see their kids or any of that.

Then I feel selfish for feeling the way I do about my dad. I think how am I going to do this without him. He is the only person in my life that I can go to talk to and not be judged or told what to do. He don’t get mad about whatever we decide to do or throw it in your face if it don’t turn out like it should have or like you thought. He was just there to listen and give his take if you asked for it and to help how ever he could. He was my go to rock. But I think it is normal to feel that way whatever age you lose your parent or whatever age they are when you lose them. Look how young her dad was when she lost him. He was probably about the age I am now. He was a few years older than me maybe a little more.

I think about all these kids who suffer and fight this battle and lose. How young they are and that they didn’t even get a chance to really live life at all or do anything really.

It don’t matter who it is, how old they are, how old you are, when it is it just comes down to it sucks. Dealing with cancer and death sucks no matter how you look at it.


{January 26, 2015}   Free Whiny Children

Every since we found out my dad was sick and my little guy broke his arm all he wants to do is whiny. 24/7 none stop whiny cry and throw a fit over anything and nothing. If he opens his mouth he is whining, hell if he is awake he is whining. Now my little bitty is picking up on it. She isn’t so much whining as she is aggravating him to make him whiny. I guess she thinks it is funny or neat to get a rise out of him.

My patents for it is 0 none existent right now. It just sends me through the roof as soon as he opens his mouth. I try to be understanding but when it is just for no reason at all or he just flat out don’t listen. Yesterday when we were there to see my dad he ran all over his room and whined about everything. I tell him to stop he keep it up. Today we were really early for our appinment he needed to go to the bathroom. We stopped at a little shop to look around and let him go. He had a huge fit because I wouldn’t buy this action figure for $3. I didn’t have that much on me I picked up a few books we could use for school and let them each get a figure. They had some for fifty cent. They really didn’t need that we just had Christmas but I was being nice.

At the therapist he had a fit because he dumped this bag of little stuff out and it was all over the floor and he didn’t want to pick it up. We couldn’t even make it through dinner with out him and his sister fighting. She isn’t even 2 you are 4 simply ignore her. But he had to scream cry and have a melt down. Of-course she thought this was great and kept it up.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me I should ignore it and handle it different but right now it just greats on that last sliver of nerve that is hanging on by a already cut thread. I end up yelling at them. Her for bothering him and him for having such a fit about it. It really makes nothing better. I just had to put him at one table and her another so they could eat their dinner. All I could do is move them a way from each other.

I know I am just way to stressed over everything that is going on. I’m not sleeping good. Saturday night up in the night I finally took something for the first time in a can’t tell you when I had to take something for pain and to help me sleep. I just hurt all over even my mouth was hurting. I was so tired and wore out but restless and hurting I couldn’t sleep. Even getting a break from them right now isn’t really a break because I am spending it with my dad or dealing with stuff. I’m not complaining about that I want to spend time with him. I wish I could spend more with him that the kids weren’t there jumping around acting like animals and bothering him. I’m just saying that right now there really is no break or time for a break. I can’t fully de-stress.

I know my little guy is angry over grandpa being sick. He told the lady the other day he was when she asked if he was sad about grandpa being sick. He said no I’m angry. I know he is having a hard time because of his arm being broke and not being able to do things with it. I just don’t know what to do for him. He still has another 3 weeks pretty much before he can get it off if you count this week. And grandpa that isn’t ever easy to deal with.

I love them to death and am trying to be as understanding as I can. But when they both get started and she is starting with him or pestering him just to make things worse. I just want to call someone up and be like come and get them or just leave myself.

Ah as I am finishing this up melt down number 1000,000,00,….. Because we had pizza for dinner, there was once slice left. My son came in and wanted it I gave it to him. Knowing that my little guy isn’t going to eat any more and that my little bitty isn’t. Little guy melts down full fit I wanted that I was going to eat the last piece of pizza. Now he has it he ate off of it he is eating it. As loud as he can be of-course. I said ok fine if you want more I will get more not a big deal. Yeah get more I want more. Two minutes later he finishes his pizza and takes his plate to the sink. I said do you want more? No I’m full I don’t need more. I said so you don’t want any more. Nope all done. But two minutes ago it was the end of the world because his brother ate the last slice of pizza. REALLY? This is what I am dealing with.

{January 26, 2015}   Going Home

My dad is going out of the hospice house sometime between now and 12 so that he can go to the doctor. He is happy to be getting out but not to thrilled about going to the doctor. He said it is a waste of time but he is going to go anyway. He told me last night they think that this has went to his kidney. The said the day before the tumor is seems to be larger than than a few weeks ago so it seems to be pretty fast growing. My brother says they didn’t check the lung or the liver to see if it was cancer but I don’t know. They told me they did.

I have to go to the SSI office because the mail man has been horrible the last two months. I have been getting everyone’s mail buy my own. Thursday I got a letter saying they needed me to come in the office to talk to them about a paper I was supposed to have gotten and turned in to them in December. I don’t have the letter. The letter I got Thursday says I need to be there by the 15 and I got it on 22 nd. It was mailed out the 5 th so it has been floating around and around to who knows where until I got it. I said something over a month about about getting everyone else mail and the mail late the guy said oh you have a different mail man yours will be back in a few days or something. But we had a different one a while. I am not sure who we have now because I am not able to sit here and watch for them.

I have to go there take my big boy to therapy and then I guess go up there to see my dad. I don’t know if he has said anything to my brother yet about what we talked about the other night. I really hope he don’t until Wednesday. Then he can just give me what he wants me to have if he still wants to do it that way and I will take it home. There won’t be any fight why it is going on. If he gets mad about it later he won’t fight with my dad about it he will come to me and at least my dad won’t have to deal with it unless he says he don’t want me there any more. In that case I will probably have to go get my dad and bring him here. I need to work on getting this place all put together before then so in case we end up doing that. Because I don’t put it past my brother to call someone to come check my place out and try to keep him from being here. Or start with me over my kids. I’m not really worried about it because it because they aren’t going to do anything if they come say the call is unfounded like before but they have changed way they do things soI don’t know if they will close it right a way or if they will have to keep coming and checking before they can. I have nothing to hide I just don’t feel like having to deal with them. I got to get going get to the ssi office and hope I don’t have to sit there for hours with all three of the kids. I wanted to get out in time to go see my dad but He goes to the doctor at 1. By the time he got home I would have to leave to have the kids to their appointment by 5. I may just call and go up tomorrow. I feel bad he wanted me to come back up last night a while but I couldn’t because my little guy started that his broken arm was hurting him and we were trying to decide if we had to take him to the er. They said if he started having pain we needed to bring him back in. But I think he just tired and not feeling good over all and stressed. I needed to keep a eye on him make sure he didn’t seem like he needed to go so time through the night. Something is wrong with the van we got home last night and the break lights wouldn’t go off.

{January 25, 2015}   Re: How Do You Decide

As you all know from How Do You Decide I been talking to a my friend again. I can’t decide if it is the wrong person at the right time for them, the right person the wrong time for me, the right person at the right time, if it’s just whatever when ever nothing much kind of thing. I just don’t know maybe I am looking to much into it.

I don’t know I know there were things said in the past and then dropped and things were said and we didn’t talk for a while. Then I met RC. Things weren’t supposed to be any more than just friends. But then he said things and then it just got avoided. Never brought back up. He said something that made me mad and I told him off and we didn’t talk for a while. Then we started talking here and there again and have since. But never more than just talking and it still never comes up.

The other night we were talking and he said something about not having new pictures. I said I hadn’t taken any in a while. He said how are you going to meet a man if you don’t have pictures to show. I send a huge laughing smiley face and said it hadn’t really been to high on my list. Of-course then he asked, why? I just said I want to but I need to make me happy with my life before I can think about being with someone else and having a relationship. And that I wanted to take things slow not rush into anything. That I didn’t want the kids to know I was seeing anyone or who I didn’t want meet their kids. At least for a while. That things went pretty fast last time and I didn’t do and take care of things I needed or wanted too. I said I should be ready in a month or so. If that made since.

He said yeah it did. I asked him what about him. He said he had talked to, went out with and hooked up with a few but none that really took care of his needs. So he was still looking. We talked and things off and on for a few days. One night I asked him so what needs do you have that haven’t been meet? That you are looking for someone for? He hasn’t responded since then. He hasn’t responded to something I sent before that but I figured he would after work then I sent that. I said something to him yestreday about going to do some stuff and then I would be free tomorrow evening. I told him to text me since he wasn’t on line much. Later I told him I was out and free I could come by. But I haven’t heard anything still. I know he seen what I said about needs but he hasn’t seen what I said after that.

He said a few times this week about coming over and getting together Saturday. But then nothing. So I am not sure what is going on. Last night wasn’t a really good night any way but thought I would stop over just talk and hang out.

I don’t know what to think now. Wonder if he got his daughter for the weekend but I have been over before when she was there. She knows me but then again he may not want her to tell her mom I was there either or that we are talking. She knows I watched her and things. Or maybe he has decided that it just isn’t the right time with everything going on with my dad and me saying that I wasn’t really ready for a relationship but maybe in a few months.

I don’t know, it would be nice now but I don’t want to mess things up either with all that is going on. But he is really pretty understanding. The main thing is with farther of the year and trying to get him out.

We were talking about it the other night he asked me to come over I told him I couldn’t he said he could come to me I told him he was here it wouldn’t be good. He laughed he said I can make him leave for you. I told him he is going to do something because if he don’t then I am going too I am not going to play this game any more. I will start calling the police when he starts his shit again and wants to punch holes in the walls and do the things he has been doing. Then they will tell him he can’t come back. So he better decide he wants to get a place now on his own before he is out and has no where to go and in trouble.

I am just done just like that night there is no reason he shouldn’t have been able to come over hang out and talk. Other people I want to have over or do things with and I can’t because he is here. Even just to do a dinner or what because it is to awkward for everyone knowing the way things are.

{January 25, 2015}   Last Wishes

This morning father of the year go off for the first of his two days off. I told him to wake me up when he got home if I wasn’t. Since I didn’t go see my dad yesterday or last night I wanted to go up first thing this morning and see him. We got there a little after 10 by the time I got all the kids up, fed and ready. We went back to his room and he was sleeping so we took them into the little playroom they have for a little bit. Then we went back down he was up. We stayed for a while the kids got wound up and was wanting to eat. They brought his lunch it was done. I had to bring them home. I was trying to stay until the doctor made his rounds and talk to him. Just as we were getting ready to leave he came in. I had father of the year take the kids out why he checked him out so I could talk to him. He got a call and went out when he was done. I told my dad by and went out and waited for the doctor to get off the phone.

He came over and talk to me he said that the tumor seems to be larger than what they said. He thinks it has gotten bigger. He said it is pretty much taking up most the space in his stomach he isn’t getting enough to nourish his body. He has gotten so weak in the week he has been in there. He can’t even move himself around in the bed and get himself how he needs to be. I had to get someone to help him get back in bed when he gets up. I can tell it is so hard on him. He is so use to doing for himself. It is killing him being this way and not able to for himself. One big reason he don’t want to be hooked to anything and things. I understand. The doctor said it is only a matter of time really not long before he passes.

I took father of the year and the kids home. He had to go to the store I went and laid down for a little bit why he was gone. My little bitty wanted me to lay with her until she went to sleep for her nap. Once she went to sleep and he got back I left. I couldn’t sit here in the house I had to get out. I went up seen my friend for a little bit then went back to see my dad.

When I got there my brother was there and he stayed for a little while we talked and things. He left he tried to get me to leave too. My dad just kept holding my hand and looking around. I could tell he didn’t want me to leave. He finally said he was going to go and give us some time alone.

I told my dad I would go let him get some rest or I would stay there why he rested he just say ok and hold my hand. I pulled a chair up there beside his bed say there and held his hand.

He started telling me about insurance papers again. That he didn’t have what he thought he had. He said one was accidental death it was for more. the other was a regular policy and it was for $25,000. I said they told me it was only for $10,000. He looked funny he said no it is for more. So then I told him what happen when I brought this up to them a few weeks ago when everything was going on. That they told me there wasn’t one. Then when I said I knew there was because he told me there was it came out there was two. But that they will not show me or let me have any infromation on it swear they have none. Then told me that they called and had it sent to them and they were talking care of it. I told him I wanted to see and that it wasn’t for my brothers wife to take care of it was for me and him and that if he couldn’t I would not her. But they still won’t let me look at it or have a copy. He said make them. I told him I couldn’t. He wasn’t happy.

I then asked him if I could ask him something he not get mad. He said yes. I said it’s ok I’m not mad I just wondered why and if that is how you want it for what ever reason that is ok. But I would like to know. I asked him why he gave all of his and grandpa’s guns to my brother? He said because of father of the year he didn’t want him to get in trouble. I told him he wouldn’t I told him that the adjudication was with held he could have it taken off his record and everything. He said yeah if they did that then he has rights and things. I said yes but he is just telling you things he knows nothing about. I said the knifes you know I never seen them and I don’t know what he means by rolls or how many there are. But he told me there are two and that I get one and he gets one, and that you let him pick out all the ones he wanted and everything. They are in one roll and mine are in another. He said no no no that is not how it is. He said you were to get all of them. He isn’t going to do this this just like my sister he isn’t getting everything you get nothing. I said the coins he wants to sit down go through them and give a big chunk of them to all the grand kids. He got really mad. I said what do you want done with your van. He said they have two cars they don’t need it. You need it you need two in case something happens to one and you have none right now. I said he started telling me that they really need the van and could use the van and all this. He said I am going to take care of this I get out of here Monday and get to go home and I am going to take care of all this. When we were talking about the guns he said I am going to have to go through them and pick out some for you to then that isn’t right.

I said daddy everyone knows this my mom, grandma, grandpa all of them and they have said for weeks I need to talk to you about it because this is what you wanted. I said I know it is but I don’t want you to feel like I just want your stuff and trying to start a fight over getting your stuff. Because that isn’t it. I said I know what you wanted how you wanted things. We all did we all knew why you did the guns the way you did. I said I figured what they did was on them.

I told him I wanted it because I wanted to have something of his. But I also didn’t want to start a fight with them because I didn’t want them to tell me I couldn’t come there and see him. He said well I can come to the road. I said yeah but not if you can’t get out of bed. He said he could come see me too. I said you can’t drive he said he have his friend bring him. I said but if you get to where you can’t move around and get out of bed you can’t and he don’t have to let me in. He said then I’m just going to move. He wants to get a place. I said you aren’t doing that they won’t let you you can come stay with me if you want to. I told him I would fix my room up for him and he would have his own bathroom with a shower he could get in and out of easy he wouldn’t have to worry about a tub to fall in. He said I will just take that side room. I told him that is the play room there ton of stuff out there and that is where father of the year has his bed and sleeps. I told him it was no probably for him to have my room that I slept in the living room most the time and that little bitty was being moved to my older ones room anyway so it would be open he had room to put whatever he wanted to in there.

He just kept saying I am going to take care of this they aren’t going to do this and things. I told him I said you know I was mad because of the way he was doing and over the insurance mostly because I wanted to take care of things that needs to be taken care of they won’t even let me do that. I said I went and talk to a lawyer because I didn’t want to bother you with it to see if there was some other way to handle it. I told him he said that basicly when something happens that my brother can say that all his stuff is his and that he gave it to him and give me nothing. That yes he can say that I can not come there. That I would rather be able to come there and see him now as much as I can than to have stuff when he is gone. He said no I am going to take care of it when I get home and make sure you have everything I want you to have. If he starts I will move. Then he told me I don’t even know how much money I have left in the bank from my check I don’t know what is left. I don’t know what they have done with it or took out.

It pisses me off because when I left the night they were coming to pick him up to take him to this place I hadn’t even gotten home and my brother was calling me wanting to know if I had my dads bank card. I told him no. He was telling me it wasn’t in his wallet they couldn’t find it. He was looking every where for it. Then they said they found it and they just wanted to make sure one of the people from hospice didn’t take it. I thought it was odd but I didn’t say anything and figured my dad was there at the time. But I don’t think he knew he was saying no it was in my wallet and it is always there. I don’t put it anywhere else. He was mad. I said well I think they didn’t know if it was and couldn’t look with him there and was scared he gave it to me to get the oil changed in the car. It wouldn’t be there for them to just go get money as they pleased.

I don’t know what is going to happen but I know that shit is going to hit the fan this week when he gets home. I just hope that he don’t say anything today or before for he gets home. If he dose then they will try to hide or take what they can and say they don’t know what happen to it. He said my brother done pawned a couple of his guns he made him go get them back. I have to get up there to see him and get home and clean that room out and get it ready so that if he decides or needs to come here he can.

et cetera
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