{January 2, 2015}   Not Feeling Good

As you all know from past post such as (Depression Has Come To Stay) I have dealt with depression for about half my life from the time I was about 14 years old. Sometimes it is way worse than others. Most the time I can keep it at bay enough that I can live and function and feel pretty good. If I stay a way from triggers. My biggest trigger is feeling trapped in a situation and not having the help from the people who are around who should be shouldering some of the weight and doing their part.

Like all this with father of the year has really been setting it off the last few months I keep pushing and fighting against it telling myself it is only for a couple more months. But it is getting harder and harder to keep living like this when I can’t do anything right now to work on getting out of it. I have to wait until I get money in a few months and do it all at once time. I feel like I am not doing anything to get myself out of it. I think about not being able to do anything get help going after RC until I get this here taken care of and everything it just makes it worse.

Now with all the news and things the last few days I don’t know how long I can keep it at bay. I am sitting on the couch writing this and haven’t been here very long. I had to make myself get out of bed and come out here with the kids. Everything seems to be grating on my nerves. My back and things have been really bothering me I have just felt tired the last few weeks but the last few days I have been feeling so fatigued my whole body feels so heavy when I move. I feel like I am carrying around a load of blocks. I’m always burning up and hot my air has never sat at 76. Most the time it is around 79/80 and higher. My heart hurts my a lot today. I feel the squeezing tightness around it like it is being mashed. In turn makes my head hurt and feel even more tired than I already do. I already just wanted to roll over and go back to sleep when I open my eyes and it was a fight to keep them open.

I have so much I need to get done I need to go to the meat market and the store for something I don’t even remember what now. I was just talking to the kids about it today. oh well. I guess when I think of it I will do it if I can or feel like it.

It different just talking to everyone now because they all want to know how I am doing if I’m ok and waiting for some major reaction or something I don’t know. They know I am so very close to my dad and that this is going to be hard. My mom keeps calling me and telling me I can come over, my friend keeps texting me and asking how I am doing. Father of the years keeps making comments and saying he is sorry and things. He trying to get “close” like I am going to change my mind about him or something. He keeps calling me Hun and act like he was going to hug me last night. I just went to bed. He just don’t get it.

He did at least talk to them at work today so he says. I am still not sure if he did. But he text me this morning when he was there and was talking to me. said he was waiting to talk to them then. He asked me if I had ask him to fight it. I told him he isn’t treatable what is he going to fight? I also told him that he knows this isn’t going to be easy for me and that I am dealing with a lot and it is going to be worse when something happens. That if he don’t talk to them at work or it becomes a problem when something happens that I am going to have a lot to say to everyone. I’m not going to put up with no bs game they try to play. So he better handle it up front.

He said he did they said to just keep them updated how things were going and things. That it wouldn’t be a problem taking time off when he needed to and things. We will see.

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