{January 21, 2015}   Silly Putty

I went to bed so stressed last night and couldn’t sleep. I just feel like a piece of silly putty that everyone has a hold of and no two people are pulling in the same direction. I need to be there for my dad and want to be there with him 24/7 and it just isn’t possible with him living with my brother and being in the (Hospice House) right now.

I think it is harder when he is at my brothers because they don’t want us there and the kids want to play with the toys and watch tv and they get bothered by it. I really wish he had done like he told me he was going to do before and let me find a place where he could have his own apartment but be there with us. I know he would be so much more happier than just having a bedroom in their house. But I know he stayed because my brother couldn’t make his bills so he could help them out.

At the hospice place he has a nice big room to his self with a nice porch and things. The kids can go see him watch tv with him or whatever. No one there breathing down your back why you are there and watching your ever move and talking about you a few feet a way until you leave.

I feel so alone right now going through this. I have friends they will call or text and check up on me ask how I am how my dad is doing and things. But I have no help really dealing with it all getting kids to therapy someone to sit with them so I can go by myself and see my dad and spend time with him or take him out if he wants to go. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, cleaning and everything is all on me. My father of the year is here but he has a fit bitches because I ask him to do something and if he dose do it about the time he decides to do it or gets in the middle he gets called and I end up doing it anyway. Night before last I went to bed in the middle of the night he was leaving to a call and I never seen or heard from him again until after 10 pm last night. Then he bitched because I asked him to clean up the kitchen. I fried chicken made home made mashed potatoes veggies. I had all the kids feed and the food put a way. But he didn’t think twice about walking in the door going right to the kitchen and eating when he got here. He didn’t have to stop and cook him something or stop and get fast food. I could have just cooked for me and the kids but I don’t. There is always more than enough for me and them and it isn’t all going to get eaten. It is cheaper for us all to eat together than us to cook and him to cook. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been home he had to run up the street drop of some gas and come home. Took him less than 30 minutes he was home back in bed for hours and had slept hours before that.

I feel guilty for not being up there with my dad all the time. But I have to make sure the kids go to their therapy and doctors visits when they have them. He is about 15 miles a way. I can’t just run over there for 20 or 30 minutes when I have free time. It take me that long to get everyone ready and then to drive there. I hate to go and say ok I can only stay a minute and I don’t know when I will get back or it will be tomorrow before I get back. I go when I can stay for a few hours at lest when I get there. Or I can spend most the day. Like yesterday I spent about two hours with him. I was going to stay another half hour or so but he seemed like he was getting tired and things. The kids were starting to get tired and not wanting to sit still asking for drinks. I told him we were going to go he said ok he had gotten back in bed before we left. I helped him fix his bed and things. I told him I was going to try to come back Thursday he looked disappointed I told him I get there today but it be later in the evening if I could. But I wasn’t sure I would. He said ok.

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and being so stressed. Because I know all that he is going through and he is lonely scared and just wants to spend time with us. I know that down the road I would do anything to feel this way and just get to go see him and won’t be able to. Then dealing with it over all myself aside from everything else that I am trying to take care of. I bounce back and forth so much. One day I’m ok with his decisions and how he wants to handle it. The next I’m not and wish he would do something but I know there isn’t really anything he can do. I know he just wants to be out of pain and not sick all the time. Other days I’m so depressed it is all I can do to force myself to get up and get the kids where they need to go and things done for them. Just the thought of driving or going anywhere else wears me out. I fee guilty for feeling that way.

The things I need to do the feelings and emotions all of it just feels like putty being pulled in every direction it can be pulled in and at its breaking point. But what is the breaking point I never seem to get there any more. I just seem to walk around feeling the way I do now. I don’t ever seem to just have that one big this is it explosion, cry, anger scream yell or whatever. I feel like I just skip that stage of things where whatever happens and I get that little bit of a breath. I feel like I walk around just barely holding it all together all the time and never do I have that time to just let it all go for just a few minutes.

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