I understand my little guy being angry his grandpa is sick and not going to get better. I go back and forth how I feel as well.

I am very angry sometimes, other times just mad and upset. I sit and think, Why my dad? why now? Why so young? Why while my kids are so young? Why can’t they grow up with their grandpa like I did? Why him when he helps everyone and dose so much for everyone? Why him and not someone else? Why not some of these people who have done nothing but cause problems or try to cause problems for us? Why someone who cares so much and tries to do as much as he can for anyone who needs it? Why this way? Why dose he have to get in the shape he is in not able to take care of and do for himself? He is such a strong person hates to ask or need anyone to do for him? But now he can’t do anything for himself hardly.

I think its my dad I feel like it’s one of my kids almost. I can’t describe how I feel. Such a void just a large empty spot. It isn’t right it isn’t fair. I feel like he is just leaving me I know he isn’t I know this sure isn’t what he wanted. I know he sure don’t want to be this way and didn’t chose to be. I know he don’t want to leave us. I know it has to be killing him thinking of the kids and things. I know he don’t want to go. No one wants to go like that.

I don’t think anyone wants to know they are going to go. It’s like just sitting and waiting to what not wake up one day? Sitting and thinking about what it is going to be like, what you are going to be doing if you are still able to do anything and know what’s going on, wondering if it is just going to be painless and quick or if its going to hurt or be drug out some how. It isn’t even me and these are things I think of so I can only imagine what he must be thinking. It kills me knowing he is sitting there feeling who knows what and thinking who knows what. How do you talk to someone about something like that? He can’t hardly talk now it is so hard to hear him. I have to put my head on his shoulder and really strain to hear what he is saying. I know that drives him crazy and one reason he don’t say more. So then he is just sitting there staring around thinking who knows what unable to talk. He just kept laying there holding my hand and rubbing my hand the other night. He said a few things here and there. I know he is thinking about what is going to happen to everyone and all when something happens. He keeps bring up the insurance and things to me. I know for him to bring that up so much he is thinking about us with out him.

Then I think to myself how selfish of me to feel the way I do and think the things I do. I’m 34 years old I have had my dad in my life for 34 years. He has gotten to see me graduate high school, finish my school for massage therapy, help me buy my house, help me do work to it, see all my kids and watch them grow up to different points, came and spent time with me and the kids. Bought the kids their bikes helped them build their bunny a cage. Just anything and everything you could think of really.

I think about a friend and her kids. She lost her husband almost 4 years ago Mike Got A Miracle. Her kids one wasn’t even in jr high and the other one may have been in 6 Th grade. They are missing out on all the things I got to do with my dad. He isn’t there for their school stuff, he isn’t going to be there to walk her down the aisle for her wedding, see their kids or any of that.

Then I feel selfish for feeling the way I do about my dad. I think how am I going to do this without him. He is the only person in my life that I can go to talk to and not be judged or told what to do. He don’t get mad about whatever we decide to do or throw it in your face if it don’t turn out like it should have or like you thought. He was just there to listen and give his take if you asked for it and to help how ever he could. He was my go to rock. But I think it is normal to feel that way whatever age you lose your parent or whatever age they are when you lose them. Look how young her dad was when she lost him. He was probably about the age I am now. He was a few years older than me maybe a little more.

I think about all these kids who suffer and fight this battle and lose. How young they are and that they didn’t even get a chance to really live life at all or do anything really.

It don’t matter who it is, how old they are, how old you are, when it is it just comes down to it sucks. Dealing with cancer and death sucks no matter how you look at it.

 

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