Slowly But Surely

In November of 2012 shortly after I moved from RC’s place I posted a page with My Goals and Dreams. It has been just over two years since that post and a lot has happened. Everything hasn’t turned out just as planed but they are slowly falling into place. I thought I would update and let everyone see where I am so far.

Moving was top of the list. I really thought this was going to be the time and we were going to do it this year. Then everything happen with my dad. I was not going to move and leave him here that way. My plan was to have him move with me he couldn’t move at that point either. That pushed things back to next year probably. But I don’t regret putting it on hold. He is much more important. dreamboard3

 

I also figured out that the scholarship my son got a few months ago would not be usable if we had moved. I had not thought about asking or checking into that until after I found everything else out and couldn’t go. I probably wouldn’t have thought to check into it because I thought once it was awarded you could use it anywhere. I want to use it to get him things he needs and then maybe put the rest into a collage found for him so he don’t lose it.

dreamboard2At least with in the next two weeks or less me and the kids will have our own house. Father of the year is moving out for good this time and we will be staying in the house we are now living in. The rent is paid up until May and I have no lease. I would like to try and find something in a little better area and closer to places we go a lot but either way it will all be ok.

 

deamboardI have gotten furniture for our place. The boys got this bed without the shelves under it. Instead it has another twin bed that pulls out for my little one to sleep on. I liked it because it gave them more room since they just pushed the bottom bed under. Wrong it stays out all the time they have their “hideout” back there. I still have to decide what to do for dresses. They have two but they don’t match. Either re due them or get others. But it is a start. My big girl found a set she liked at a good deal so she has a tall chest desk and bed. My baby girl has her little house bed she just loves. I got a living room set just need to get some coffee tables to go with it. I got a great deal on a dining room set as well that is nice. I would like to find some chairs as I don’t like the ones that came with it but they are nice. Just not very strong to last long. I got to work on finding me some stuff for my room. I am getting my dads bed and then just need dresser. But the kids are happy and have stuff. I will share with my little bitty a little while longer.

dreamboard1 Of course baby girl is here. Hard to believe she will be two already in April. She is something else and smart as can be. She knows it too so it just makes it even worse. She learned to do flips watching Elmo, well now not only dose she do flips but she likes to flip off of things like chairs, stools, toys or whatever else she things she can. She watched them and learned to jump with both feet off the ground. She has been counting some for a while. If you start she will say the next number most the time. She is talking up a storm now too. Her vocabulary is crazy. Her obsession over shoes is out of unbelievable. She will sit down and try to take shoes off anyone’s feet if she likes them.

School has been a all new experience for us this year. As we decided to homeschool this year after moving into our house and not liking the school that’s practically in our front yard. Not wanting to drive 50 miles a day again to take them to and from and not being able to find one that suits either of them very well. schoolI want to take some classes but had waited to start because I thought we were going to be moving out of state. I didn’t think to check into starting when plans changed but it all just happen so fast I couldn’t have done them and dealt with all that was going on. I’m not sure if I am even ready to think about trying to get back into it now yet really. But I plan to start checking everything out so that I can start soon. The kids like being homeschooled. We will keep doing that this next year coming up.

dreamboard4 We made it through the holidays the last two years. The first was hard because we were homeless yet again. This year was pretty nice because the kids got to put up all their stuff for the different holidays. I don’t even remember what we did for new year eve. I sure know what I was doing New years day. Since then every day has been a struggle to get through.

I had wanted to get my truck once I got moved away and settled. But since I couldn’t move this year and my truck decided to break down I took some of the money I was going to move on and got a truck. truck I will have to get a better picture of it but this is all I have for now. Another one of them things I haven’t felt like doing. It isn’t a big deal so it hasn’t gotten done. It don’t have the tv’s in it but it isn’t a big deal because the kids don’t keep up with their dvd’s anyway. My dad was going to get them one for the truck at Christmas but didn’t because they don’t. It is the 5.4 L motor in it. It don’t have a left but maybe I will put one on it when I have some extra money once I get to working. I am just happy I found one in such good shape for such a good price.

I have accomplished 4 out of 10 goals in 27 months. It isn’t great but it isn’t horrible either. I don’t think so anyway considering that most of them take a pretty good chunk of money to accomplish and the spot I am in.

 

I Finally Got It

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It looks a little ruff in the picture, but really it looks a lot nicer outside in the light.

Well I went back the next night and brought the truck I went and looked at. Father of the year called the husband and told him how much he had and could pay asked if he could do that. He said sure and set it up with his wife to pick it up since he had went out of town. I told the lady when I got there that I was sorry about the night before. I told her the truth that my dad had most always been rode a long with me when I bought my trucks and things. That I am not handling the loss very well, that this was the first major thing I had to do or deal with since he passed then him not with me on top of it. That it just really hit me when we got there the night before and I couldn’t do anything. She was really nice and understood.

Me and the kids drove it home. The next day I went and got tags and things for it. It did need a tire so we went and grabbed that before we went anywhere. So glad I did it rode so much smoother once i got the tire put on it. My sister said a few days a latter when she was riding with me, it feels like your floating on a cloud.

my mom looked out and looked at it when I got to her house but didn’t come out and look. Of course she started as soon as I got in. You paid how much for a 14 year old truck. I said yes but blue book it almost $7000 on it and if you look on line and try to buy them they go for $5000 to $10,000 and sometimes more depending on the motor and things in it. She said I bet they don’t or something like that, as if I didn’t know what I was talking about. I said they do I have looked them up I looked this one up and I have been researching and watching them for a few years. I said they are not only hard to find a lot of times but also wanted by a lot of people and hold their value. She just said oh and didn’t say anything else.

Later she came outside and she open it all up and looked at it and things. She said it’s big, it sits higher than mine. Then she walked around in front of it and was going to go back inside. She turned and was talking to me and looked at it sitting there by hers. She said it makes mine look like a dwarf I’m going to have to get me one of them. She likes big cars/trucks. She drives a Suburban I got a Excursion.

She had been trying to get me to get a Suburban a few nights before. She was looking them up and telling me about them. Different ones to go look at. She has had three that I can think of over the years. She seems to always have a lot of problems with them. This one she has gotten I don’t know how much money into parts and things. She called me tonight and wanted me to come follower her home because she was worried she wasn’t going to make it because it isn’t running right yet again. The parts seem to cost a lot more for hers than mine too.

I am happy with mine just getting use to driving it and parking it. It isn’t much bigger than my other truck but its enough I’m not 100% comfortable with it yet. But I haven’t drove it a lot and I still feel like I’m walking around in a haze. That of course don’t help things none. I haven’t gotten to take it out and test the 4 wheel drive either but soon enough I will find someone to go with.

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I’m going this weekend I hope to get the decals I want for it. I can’t get the seat covers I want right now they just cost to much to do after buying the truck paying up rent and things. If I hadn’t paid the rent up I could of went ahead and got them. But the rent is more important and it is better to be paid ahead. Hope to be able to keep it a couple months ahead we shall see.

Just Not The Same

My truck has a some problems and it finally got to the point I had to just park it and not drive it. Since then I have been driving my dads van. Its just something to get from point A to point B nothing in great shape. I had intended to replace the truck when I got tax money so I don’t want to put money into parts for it. I rather junk it be done. Father of the year says he is going to fix it instead of getting something else. More power to him.

Well I have been watching a few trucks on line I would like to check into. I got my money back and it is going fast. I haven’t spent it on anything just bills and things. I did pay the rent up until May. I probably shouldn’t have but I just felt it was something I needed to do. That took the most of what is gone.

I have been emailing, texting, calling people since Friday. One guy lets me think I could come look at it that evening then tells me oh he is out of town Until this week. The other one I text and text she never got back to me. It said text and if ad was still there then she still had it. I even went so far as to call that one I was really interested in looking at it. The other one over the weekend tells me he is also out of town until today. We have been emailing. I ask if I could come this evening never got a reply until a little bit ago. Then he wants to know if I can come Friday or Saturday. I don’t have someone to go with me and look at it Friday or Saturday. I can drive it look at it and most the time tell if something seems off. But I still feel better taking someone with me to check it as well. I told him I only had someone to go with me today and tomorrow to look not sure when I would have someone again. I haven’t heard back so we will see.

I drove tonight over to the other county and looked at one a guy had for sale and it was really nice. It’s a blue/Gray color it is 4×4 looks good inside and out. Runs good drives good. But they want about $1500 more than what I want to pay. I hardly talked to them I felt bad but as bad as I wanted to go look at it and everything once I got there I just didn’t want to be there.

I feel like I’m in a haze and just couldn’t get into really checking it out. I didn’t even test drive it I let father of the year drive it see what he thought. I didn’t even feel like talking to them about the price or to see if they would come down or work a deal. All I could think was I wanted out of there and wanted to go home. That fight or flight kind of feeling and just really down.

I couldn’t figure out why or what was wrong. On the way home I was thinking about it and my dad always went with me to buy my trucks and cars. Even if I went and found one I wanted most the time he ended up going back with me and checking it out when I bought it or just road along why I checked them out and made the deals. I always took him and made the deals when he buy a cars.

I knew he couldn’t go with me this time. I had thought about it couple weeks ago when I did my taxes and was waiting on my money. I was set to get it the 10th. I been looking at them to see if I could line something up to look at and get when I got it. I figured I could take it over and get him to come out and see what I got and get him out of the house too. He went with me that one day for a walk but wouldn’t let me take him out after that. I think the hassle of the wheelchair he didn’t like. But I figured I could get him to come out see what I got. 3 days before I got my money he passed.

I seems like anything I go to do he is missing. I don’t have a lot of people I hang out with or friends I go places and do things with. We all have so much going on they work in the day their kids have school and clubs when they aren’t in school. We homeschool have a few things we do. My dad the last 2 or 3 years has been retired the daytime when we are sitting here bored we go pick up grandpa and go yard sales, thrift stores, out to lunch or whatever just to get out of the house.

This I just feel so lost, even though I was mostly the one that did everything and always the one to make the deal and come to a agreement on the price and things it just so different without him there. He never tell me to or not to get something but he give me his in put on it and we talk about it and the options best deals and things. He say I heard this or see that or don’t think I would get it because of this. We talk about it I point out this or that and what I thought or knew it cost to fix what it was and what I was getting it for and what the blue book on it was and if it was worth it or not. Some we left some we take the gable and get. We never really went wrong. I think everyone I ever got or got him we got 4 or 5 years or more out of them with very little extra money put into them.

Now as bad as I need a new truck and something better than the van to drive I feel like I had to force myself to even get out of the truck and talk to the people tonight and I didn’t even know what to say to them. I couldn’t put my thoughts together to talk to them. I finally just told them that this was the first one I had looked at, I had a few more I was setting times to look at, I didn’t want to jump on the first thing I looked at and that I was tossing around a few different options that I would get back with them.

Relay For Life

I have seen they do these around my area every year I knew it was to raise money for cancer research. I always thought it would be neat to do one but most the time when I find out about it its to late to really raise money or get involved. I don’t know what made me think of it the other day but I did and I looked it up. There is going to be one the end of April in my area. That give me time to get a team together and start raising money.

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I don’t know a lot about it just what I have been reading on line. Me and my sister want to do it in memory of my dad and grandpa, our grandpa and two aunts who have all passed a way of some kind of cancer. But since neither of us have ever done it we are figuring it out together as we go. So far I think besides me and her we have 3 other people who say they will be there. I just hope they really show up. So far I have no one that is staying over night with me. I may end up being the only one out there over night. I did ask my good friend if he wanted to come spend the night with me I think he may come for a little while don’t know if he will make it the whole night or not.

Right now I am trying to come up with a team name and theme so I can get us signed up. I think this might help me along this new journey and in healing. relay1

What’s one my mind

My eyes have been opened to a lot this last week while taking care of things for my dad. I have sat down and started writing 3 or 4 times over the last week about a lot of different things that have been on my mind but I just can’t stay focused or on track. They just get saved as drafts that maybe some day I will be able to finish when I am in a better place. Some of it isn’t a big deal some of it I feel is very wrong. But that is all another post. Because to be honest I still don’t feel like writing.

But I went and picked my dads ashes up Thursday and the copies of the death certificates. They also gave us the papers the obituary is in.

I don’t know why I did it but I read the death certificate. I know I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t thinking about it I never seen one I just took it out to see what all was on it and things. I knew the cause of death would be on it but I already knew that. It was cancer.

What I didn’t know is that it wasn’t cancer. The cancer caused all the problems but wan’t listed as the cause. Now I keep going over the cause over and over in my mind and what it means and what happened. From there I keep seeing all that happen that day when everything started happening. Then I start to wonder if moving him prolonged things and if he suffered more because of it and it just snowballs from there. Into why didn’t I go the day before and see him. Why it happened when it did.

I think about how we haven’t been to church in close to two years and we went for the first time last Sunday. We left from church to see my dad and this happen. I am surprised the kids have not thought of it. If they have they have not said anything about it. I don’t think it is a bad thing I don’t really know how to think of it or look at it. Nothing just happens everything happens for a reason, everything happens the way it dose for a reason. I am glad the kids haven’t thought of it or said anything about it. All they have talked about is how much they like that church and asked every day what day it is how many more until they can go back. They were so excited today that we could finally go back.

Then the ashes, picking out the urn I had to make sure it would be the right size since I didn’t order it from the place. I got one that said it would hold someone almost twice his size. I know someone said they got one that was for their persons size it was to small. I looked on the site it told how to decided. One whatever they means it will hold one pound. I figure like anything you figure it is going to be off by a little. Then you have to ad in the casket as well. So this one said it was 1.89 I think and they said he was just under 100 lbs weeks before he passed. I remembered someone saying how the ashes were heavier than they expected. All I thought about all day is they are going to be heavier I didn’t want to drop it or something not expecting it. But when they gave it back to me I was really surprised how heave it was and how full it feels. They had him in something before I got there and then when I came to pick him up I gave them the urn we got and they put him in that for me. I didn’t see what he was in before or them put him in it. So then I wonder did all of him fit in it? If he hadn’t would they have told me? Or just do away with them? I know they aren’t supposed to but still you never know.

This is what is on my mind and keeps going around and around over and over again. Its been a week and it just don’t seem real even with thinking about all that all the time. I look at my baby girl and think how she isn’t going to even remember her grandpa. I don’t even know if I have pictures of them together or not. I think about how much they meant to him and how much he is missing. I think about…………….

Hanging In There

I just thought I would pop on and let you all know I am still around and hanging in there the best I can. I made it out of bed before 6:30 pm today and got out of the house. Much better than yesterday.

Me and the kids went back to church again today. They really like it, I don’t know. The people are really nice and it seems like a good church but we have only been a few times. I’m sure I will like it once I get to know some people. Next week I signed up for a connections meeting for new members. So I should meet some people there and learn more about the church and how they are.

After church we came home had lunch and went to the big flea market about 45 minutes or so away. I had some in memory of things made for my dad. I got one to put on his van and one for my new truck when I get it. I got an extra one I figured I might give it to my brother or something not sure what yet.

We got home me and the baby took a long nap so we had a late dinner and the kids are now settling down to watch a movie.

I think I want to go back to bed all I want to do is lay in my bed under my soft warm blankets and just be. If I am not in my bed I want to be out of the house. I feel like I need to just get out get away. Like I should be busy on the go.

I have fought the urge to drink a few times this week. Mostly because I didn’t feel like getting all the kids ready and loaded up to go to the store. I still have my Jack here but rather have something to mix it with or it upsets my ulcers to much. Hell one night I thought about mixing it with kool-aid.

I just don’t know how to feel or what to think about some people they are pissing me off. Like my mom who calls me a couple days after my dad passed wanted to know why I haven’t answered the phone to her. I just talked to her a night or so before. Why I hadn’t been over there why I don’t come there to see her. Really this is what you call me up to talk about you, you , you and more you? How about maybe I don’t feel like talking to anyone maybe I don’t want to talk to anyone who is close to all this who is going to be all upset and things. Maybe I don’t want to come sit and talk about it in person with everyone an everyone all upset.

I don’t like to be around everyone all upset I don’t like to be around everyone when I am upset or in a mood. There are very few people that I have been talking to and that’s because they aren’t the rest of them. They aren’t going to tell me to just get over it and I need to move on blah blah bullshit when I it has barley been a week. Or try to make me feel better. I hate when people try to make you feel better. Hell it still don’t seem real. I still feel like I could pick the phone up and call him go over and pick him up we go take the kids to lunch or the store, flea market or something.

I asked the lady at the church if they had a grief support group when they called me. She said she was going to talk to them and get back with me. I haven’t heard back but who knows I am not sure she knew what I was talking about really. I may have missed a call too. I stopped answering my phone to just any number now that I don’t have to worry about them calling me for my dad. Only reason I answered that one was because I was half a sleep and not thinking.

Going None Stop

Since my dad passed away Sunday after noon I have been busy trying to run around and take care of things. I feel like I haven’t stopped since I got up Monday.

I had to get up first thing and be almost 50 miles from home by 9:30 am. We had to go get my little guys cast off his arm and see how it was healing. They cut it off and took the x ray. The doctor came in said it was healed great and took the pins out. He said they don’t have to go to therapy for it because they can’t do anything with the bone. That he should have his range of motion back in 6  weeks. He wants us to bring him back to check it. We had to move it out to 8 because I wanted to make it at the other office. I’m so stressed and tired I almost had a panic attack getting on the elevator trying to get him to the 5 th floor and back down.

We got back stopped had lunch and I dropped them off at home so I could rush about 20 miles north to do what needed to be done with my dad. We told them to send him to one home and they sent him to some place different. We got there and they talk to us for a minute and then took us in to pick out a casket and urn. My brother said we could get urns somewhere else. I told him I rather do it there get it over with. I had looked at the insurance policy but wasn’t sure how much he had. It was one where it pays out so much the first year a little more but not much the 2 nd and the full ten at 3 or more. He hadn’t hit the 3 year mark. He would have hit the 3 year mark in May of this year. We were not sure how that worked. I asked the lady if she knew how all that worked because we really weren’t sure. She looked said she didn’t know either she thought the 2 nd year amount of $1,100 something. She said she would call them and see. After a half hour or more she came back said they said they were not 100% sure but they thought just that was right. They said they had to look at it and something else and get back with her at 3 yesterday.

I asked her once the cremation was all paid for and all the other fees that there were to cover how much money was left to cover everything else. She says and if you do just a standard box for $50. adds it on. I said no I don’t want a box I want to know that once you all get your money how much money is left? She said around hundred and something.

Well when we were sitting there before we were looking she asked what we were going to do with his ashes. My brother got this look like he hadn’t thought of it and was a little freaked out. I said I thought about putting them on grandpa’s grave but they say he was really close to his mom so I was thinking we could have them put there. But I would like to have them until we decide and can do something with them. He said ok. I think it creeps him out the idea of having them or messing with them. Even with them being closed up in something. He had no problem and said yes to fast. So when we first went back and was looking at caskets and urns I seen one I wanted. He said lets wait on it so we started looking at caskets that’s when we stopped to see how much was there to work with.

When we found out how little was probably there to work with I said lets pick out a casket and we will have to take what isn’t covered out of his money in the bank and cover it. He said ok. I told him since I was going to have his ashes I would cover the price of the urn. I knew he would freak about the price of it and want to pick a different one. I thought it said $895 but wasn’t sure. That is a lot I know but I liked it and I figured yes we could probably get it somewhere cheaper but how much cheaper maybe $50. I rather just get it done with. We picked a casket out we needed $175 to finish paying for it. I told him to take my dads money and pay for that. It was his money so it should be used for him.

I told him lets look at the urns pick one so I knew how much I needed to bring her back today. I knew I wanted the one and felt if I was going to have his ashes and paying for it I should get to pick. But I knew it was only right to let him have some say. He liked this one metal looking one but said it looked something. Then he found another like it just a different color. He liked them because my dad liked to collect little coper and brass figures. But when I looked at it I just didn’t see my dad. They had one there for people who liked to fish and one for people who liked to hunt. I liked the one for people who liked to hunt. My dad use to love going to camp and hunting and most all my life he did tree work for the company that cuts trees for the power company. So I picked the one for people who liked to hunt that had trees and leafs on it.  He came over looked at it more and said yeah that is nice I think that be a good one. So I told her I would bring her the Monday for it Wednesday. We had to go back Tuesday to see what the insurance people were going to do.

We talked about it Tuesday morning when we were looking through dads stuff. I asked him if it paid out the full amount did we want to change anything or leave it the way it was? We agreed we wanted to leave it the way it was. I knew I didn’t want to change the urn and the casket was really the only one they had we liked. I wouldn’t mind if it was picked for me. It is a light blue. It reminds me of the blue suits the guys use to wear back when my dad and grandpa were younger. It was kind of simple buy it was very nice and tasteful.

When I got there yesterday to go over everything with them and my brother he got there before I did. When I came in he said they were paying out the full $10,000. The lady acted like she wasn’t happy that we weren’t changing anything. And we decided not to get the urn from them. But that is a different post.

I am just happy that it is all taken care of and they are covering it and we didn’t have to worry about how to pay for it or what. That is one thing he didn’t want us to have to worry about or pay for. He would be really upset if he thought we had to. But I would have done it if we had to because I wanted to make sure he was taken care of. Just like the urn. I could have picked something for a lot less but I wanted something nice and that fit him. He has done so much for us I wanted to do this last thing for him. Even if like my brother said he would kick our asses if we spent that much on some of that stuff. But if they had something that I liked better I had no problem spending the full $10,00 for his cremation, casket and urn. That’s what the money was there for. Why when I first seen it and it and I thought it said almost a grand I wasn’t worried about it I figured the money was there may as well use it.

Today I spent getting bills and things taken care of around the house. I have let so much go this last month and a half or so. Between going to see my dad the kids appointments and just dealing with the depression and not feeling like doing anything. Bills have fallen behind, chores, house work, shopping are all such a mess.

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