I have to say today has been a really trying day. I have had every thought that could go through your mind go through it. I just want to stop feeing so miserable and depressed. I have been fighting the urge to drink since around 11 am. I’m sitting here now thinking how good a drink and a cigarettes would be right now.
I can fight my demons and keep them under control most the time but lately it is hard because I just don’t want to feel any more. I just don’t want to care, or worry. It isn’t even so much that I don’t want to care of course I care. I just don’t want to feel any more. It would be so much easier to care without feeling. It isn’t the caring that goes a way if I do drink or eat because I have wanted to do that too. But I feel so sick when I do. It’s the feelings that go a way or become tolerable. But I know it isn’t going to do anything because everything is still here and I’ll be sober in a few hours and everything will come flooding back. But I am starting not to care even the temporary fix is better than none.
I think this is going to be very hard and I am going to go through a lot and shown a lot the next year or so. I had gone through life avoiding a lot of things that others I know have went through. But it seems that it comes back to haunt me and make sure I go through it as well just at a later time in life than everyone else. I feel this is going to be one of them moments. I really don’t know why life has been this way, like I said before I don’t know what I have done but I’m paying dearly and looks as if I will keep paying for sometime to come.