{February 9, 2015}   10/24/1954—02/08/2015 R.i.p. Daddy

Heaven got a amazing angel today. My daddy died about 2:30 this afternoon. I had seen this church going to and from his house the last month or so and keep saying I wanted to try it. I was going to go last Sunday but something happen and I didn’t. Today I made the 3 little ones get up and get ready and we went to church. My oldest is at my moms.

We got out of church around 11:30 and was debating going to my dads or not. I was thinking about going tomorrow or going later. Something just said go now so I did. Me and the kids stopped at the little store up the street from his house and got drinks. I got one of the small Starbucks coffees and got him one.

We got there and we all went in to see him. The boys went out and went to watch a movie in the living room. I showed him what I brought him and asked him if he wanted it he shook his head yes. I opened it and grabbed the straw out of his cup of water and held it up for him to have some. He drank about half of one of them little bottles. It was time for his meds and he had about half of one of his shakes. Been making him milkshakes out of boost and protein powder. I say there watched tv with him and held his hand for a little bit. Then he wanted to get up and go to the bathroom. I went got my brother because he is so weak I wasn’t sure how they were doing it. I didn’t want to confuse him by doing it different and maybe drop him or something. He came in and we walked him around and got him sat on his chair they brought him from hospice so he didn’t have to get all the way to the bathroom it’s self.

He been going that way for a few days or more now because he fell the other day trying to get to the bathroom in the night. He tried to get up and go to the bathroom without calling someone to help him. So they help him get sat down go out and let him go he rings the door bell when he is ready for someone to help him. We helped him and went out. My brothers wife went in ask if he was done needed help he told her no. She came out said he was breathing hard. We were standing couple foot a way from the door. Just a second she turned to go down the hall she said oh no. Went running in there I ran in behind her. He was leaned forward couldn’t get up. I think he dropped the bell and was trying to reach it. We got him back sitting up and stood him up. We got his pants pulled up and went to put him back in bed. I bent over picked his legs up and sat them up in the bed. She put him up on the pillows. I noticed he seemed really stiff and not trying t move or help like he dose. He kind of rolled part way to his side when she laid him down. I got up turned around she stepped back I looked at him. His eyes were really big and and open wide. His one I was open more than it had been. He has a droopy eyelid from having cancer removed about 4 years ago. It was open more. I looked at her and said something is wrong, he wasn’t breathing good. He was taking quick short breaths. I said this isn’t good. my brother was trying to pull the dishwasher out to see what was leaking. I went and told him he needed to wait until another time to do that and to get in there. We gave him a breathing treatment and that didn’t help with his breathing. I said he has oxygen here don’t he get it. I didn’t know if he would let us give it to him or not. I asked him. I said daddy do you want us to give you some oxygen to try and help you. He said yeah. We put it on him. I told my brothers wife to call the hospice nurse they needed to at least know what was going on. See what they wanted or needed to do on their end of things at this point. He decided he wanted the oxygen off so we took it off for him. His eyes were still big and things but if I talk to him he would turn his head look at me he squeeze my hand and things. He kept telling us his legs hurt and was moving them around. We gave him more pain meds. Hospice called back said they were going to send someone out. My brothers wife came in the room and said they wanted him to have the oxygen on was I ok with that. I said that is up to him. If he don’t mine then we will put it back on but if not then no. I asked him if it was ok to put it back on he shook his head yes, I told her it was ok to go ahead and put it back so she did.

She brought him ativan to take said they said give him that to try and help his breathing. It didn’t. I didn’t figure it was. He kept wanting up to get him out of the bed. Then he was saying something not sure what it was. We figured out he was saying get out. We asked him if he wanted us to get out of the room. He move his hands around. Then we asked if he wanted to rest which was odd because he had not once closed his eyes like he wanted to sleep and most the time he would. He shook his head let yes I asked if he wanted us to go to the other room he like he did so we went in the living room. he kept asking for his drink we kept giving him that. The hospice nurse came in and we told her what happen and things. We all walked in the bedroom he was still kind of on his side just looking. He I think turned his head toward her once when we came in and when she walked up to him called his name. After that he didn’t any more. She I think listen to him with the stethoscope then took his pause and then put the blood pressure thing on his wrist to check it. She took it off and looked funny didn’t say what it said. Then she turned back to us and started to say something and just looked at us. My brother had done went out before she started. It was just me and his wife sitting there. I looked at her and said it’s time she just looked at me shook her head. I said ok I knew. His wife I guess didn’t hear what I had said to her what we were talking about. She looked at her said what or something. I said its the end its time you need to get him and tell him to come in here. The nurse said let me get his bed pulled out so you all can get in here and around him. I went out to talk to the boys a minute and let them know what was going on.

I told them to go talk to grandpa tell them how much they loved him and anything else they wanted him to know. My big boy said we already went and seen him told him we loved him and gave him hugs. I said I know but you know how we talked about grandpa being sick and not going to get better? I said this is it we aren’t going to get to see him any more after today. I said he going to pass away. My big boy said I hope he don’t die why we are here. I said honey he is probably really soon that’s why you need to go say what you want to say. They went in there for a minute and came out. I went back in then. My brother was sitting on a chair by his bed I think his wife and step daughter were standing behind his bed. They came out and I went over took his hand and sat on the bed beside him. The two of us sat there for a few minutes with him. Once I thought he wasn’t breathing he said no he is just a little. Then he started moving making a little sound like he was. We talked to him told him how much we loved him and everything. It was only another couple minutes the nurse came in listen took his pulse and said that was it.

I did ok for a little while then she called and said they were on their way to get him after a little while. It just hit me I went sat outside for a while. Then they showed up to get him. I went inside and told them the boys needed to go in the other room somewhere until they were done. My little bitty was sleeping on the floor in the living room I just left her. They took them to the bedroom put a movie on. I was sitting there in the dinning room by his room. My brother said we probably should go in the other room somewhere too why they brought him out. I told him it was ok I was going to stay there.

They came back in with the stretcher and went in there. I got up and went into the hall by the bathroom across from his room and watched them wrap him up and move him to the stretcher. I was surprised they stuck a pillow under his head and took a thing that looked like a quilt with a opening in the middle of one side and put over him and around the stretcher. It fit under the edge like a sheet would. I guess that is what they use instead of a bag. I thought that was really decent and nice way of doing it. I went and open the front door for him and stood there as they took him out went out watched them put him in the van. The nurse was standing there she turned around she kept asking what she could do for me and things. I said nothing it be ok. She came over gave me a hug. My chest was hurting so bad it has been for over a week. It just been getting worse. She stood there just hugged me for a while. I went in to get a drink before I could pour it I had to go to the bathroom and puke.

My Little guy is doing much better than I expected but who knows what the next few days, weeks, months hold. At one point I went back in the room with my dad after a while he tried to follow me. I was worried he be scared because my dads eyes were open and just the way he was. I told him to go in the other room and stay out. He insisted he wanted to come in. I told him grandpa isn’t there any more he passed but that if he wanted to he could come in and talk to him if he wanted to but it was just his body and not to be upset. He came in ran over to the bed started rubbing his hand and told him he loved him and good bye he was going to miss him. He looked at me and said ok I’m done now.

My big boy just says he is ok and goes on. I told them to go in the bedroom when they got there to pick him up. He said why you said he isn’t there any more he passed a way? He wasn’t being rude he was just trying to understand. I just told him he didn’t want to see them bring him out he said oh ok. I asked him if he wanted to go in and see him or talk to him. He said no he was scared. I told him it was nothing to be scared of and his brother told him it wasn’t scary. He said no it’s just a body I can talk to him from anywhere he is in heaven. I said ok.

When we got ready to leave we were standing by the door he put his arms around me I said what’s wrong he said grandpa passed away we can’t see him no more we are going to miss him. I told him I knew it was ok to be upset and cry or whatever. He has said it a few more times but other than that really don’t want to talk about it any farther or more.

Father of the year told my big girl she was at my mom’s. Said she got upset and then was asking how I was and worried about me.

My little bitty don’t really know she knows something is wrong and things were different with grandpa and something is wrong with mommy. She went in with me before he stopped responding and She laid her head on his check and hugged him and he rubbed her head knew she was there. She gave him 5 and rubbed his hand and played with it. He held hers and rubbed it.

I don’t know I really don’t know how I am going to get through this. He was my everything next to my kids. He was there no matter what. I was excited to get my tax money Wednesday and go truck shopping this week and showing him what I got. We use to always car shop together for me or him. We always got great cars and trucks. All but the one he has now. I was trying to avoid him getting another one so I hadn’t took him and he got my brother to. He took first thing he seen that ran. It has to many problems was not worth what he paid for it. I wouldn’t have let him buy it.

Like he use to always say I am behind you no matter what it is how bad or good wrong or right you did something or someone did something to you. But if it was your fault you were wrong or did something you shouldn’t have you will have to deal with me when we get home. If you ever go to jail I will bail you out one time so if it happens you better know it is the only time if you end up back in there your on your own you shouldn’t be getting yourself in there.

R.i.p Daddy

[…] 10/24/1954-02/08/2015 R.i.p. Daddy Cancer Sucks […]

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