Why I get to hate you.

All this but the part where he see’s because that was only one time ever that she will never remeber. But I love her more than words.

A girl and her thought

It’s hard growing up without a father but it’s easier when you have a fantastic mother playing both roles. –unknown

Some days I love my life and others I don’t. I have the hardest job one can imagine. I am a single mother. I try my hardest not to let that define who I am, but let’s face it being a mom consumes your life. Being mommy is the most rewarding title I’ll ever have and raising my daughter is the most adventurous thing I will ever do.

I have a three-year old daughter. She has the most life I’ve ever seen from anyone. Her heart is pure, her mind is fresh, her life is blissful. My baby has no idea what it is to hate and what it is to love but I do.

Some days I hate you more than others and some days I think of you…

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A Good Deal

In my other post Wasted I told you about the new bed I got the boy and the one I wanted to get. Well I didn’t get my new bed. I ended up letting my mom borrow some money and I still have about half of what I got. But I just feel I need to hold on to it just incase.

The boys bed finaly came Tuesday we took old down put up the new. I listed the old oncraigslist and swap page. Few people asked about but noone came over. One person said they be here after work Friday never seen them. Well a lady ask me about it last Sunday she wanted me to deliver. I told her I would for an extra $25. But I couldnt til today or tomorrow if I still had it by then. On way home from church she text me see if I had it still and if I would still bring it. I let her know I had it and would deliver she could come look at it I be home. Then she said she wants me to just bring it she cant come. Said her car was over heating. I wasnt sure because I didn’t want to load it drive all way down her see it not want it be out my gas money all.

Finally I ask her she had the money for sure, full price of bed and delivery fee she said yes. I had put OBO in ad but figuring whoever wanted it would come look at it help load it. Not i was going to have to help load and risk making wasted trip. I told her I could not help unload she had to have someone. She said ok.

I had father of year load it he saying I don’t know it might be scam or just trying get you there do something. Like I told him I wasn’t going in and that before I open my truck to be unloaded they were giving me the money for it. Then I open truck for it be unloaded. That what I did. I text her I was there got out talk to her ask her for the money. Then I open it let her get it out. She had her boyfriend husband or whatever there. He didnt look happy about it. He kept saying something about how big it was. He said to me its big? I told him yes the size was one big reason I got rid of it. She kept telling him it was fine I had pictures on the ad and said it was a loft with roll out bed not a bunk. abafter they got it unloaded up stairs she was asking about it I explain how it went together all it rolled out.

She started to look like she wasn’t sure about it either. she didn’t say anything. I told father of the year it’s not my problem she was worried she should have come looked at it asked about how big it was all that. If you buy sight unseen then you get what is brought. I would never buy something that cost that much site unseen. To each their own.

I am happy with it all I bought the bed two years ago for $75. Just sold it for $150. I made double my money back. That put half of what I spent on the kids new bed back in my pocket. I was looking at buying a used one for $130. But then I had to buy the bunky board for it and some kid wrote on it with sharpy. I would have had to sand it down and restain it. That been another $50 or more pluse my time ontop of i think they said $60 for the bunky board. So the new ended up costing less than the used in the end.

I have a sold wood chest of draw here it needs sanded. I told father of the year it is bigger nicer than what I see them selling for $100. I’m going to sand it down list it for $150. If I get that and take the money from the bed I sold i can get them two chest that match their bed. i have the set for around $550. The bed new is normaly $600 or more. They wanted $400 for the dresser and chest where I got the bed. If i use the money from the bed and if the dresser sells it put me paying maybe $250 out of pocket for all of it. Can’t go wrong or beat it at that price for sure. Its all wood so it will last. I told them they need get no less than 5 years out of it. Then maybe I will think about selling getting different.

I am posting this from my phone as I lay here waiting for little bitty to go to sleep. Will have to correct things when I get on my laptop.

Not Responsible

I am so angry the water company added a bill to mine. The bill is in father of the years name has nothing to do with me. My account is in my name has nothing to do with him. They took it upon their self to put it on my bill because we are married. He isn’t even living with me and they add it to mine. I don’t have the money to pay for my water bill and his. This isn’t the only time they have screwed things up, they in the past have let him turn water on in my name at a house I did not even live in. I didn’t sign for it no one ever asked me if it was ok or anything. When I found out and said something about it they said well he don’t have it on in your name any more and at lest he didn’t leave you with a bill. Then a few months later hit me with a $25 water bill from when he had it on. This is way more than $25 this bill is $100’s. I am so pissed I am calling them Monday and letting them know that this needs to be taken care of they need to take the bill off mine if they don’t then I am going to call whoever over see’s them and the news. Let them know how they do their customers.

Let God Decide

I was at the home school play date Thursday and there was two other families there. One I met when I started looking at homeschooling and has helped me with things when I have questions or trying to figure things out. She has two or three daughters two I think. She only has the one at home that I have met why I’m not sure. There was another woman there with some of her kids she has 7 all together. We were walking the trail on one with the one little girl was holding my little bitty she said she wanted more but couldn’t have them or it would be hard to have one because of health problems she had and her age. I said I was 100% sure I am done. The woman with 7 kids said what if I met someone and decided to get married again or what and they wanted kids. I said I didn’t want to take that chance again after everything I had been through with father of the year and RC. She said like most do you know you never know you may change your mind and things. To just leave it in gods hands and he would give me what I was meant to have.

Now it has me thinking. I always for as long as I could remember wanted 4 kids. When father of the year lost his job right after we bought our house and didn’t find one for so long I decided that 2 was ok. Then along came my Little guy and I figured I had 3 I would have a 4 once things settled and I met someone else. I knew I was not having any more kids with father of the year. I don’t remember even being with him when I got pregnant with my little guy. Things were so bad then between us. I had not planed on having my little bitty when I did. I did not want to have a baby at that time at all. It was the last thing I was thinking about doing when I got with RC. But it happen and I love her to death and wouldn’t change it. But I wanted to wait until we been together for a little while and then think about it. But anyway we all know how that ended up. If not just read the back post over the last what 2 or 3 years.

I have said sense I had my little bitty that if I met someone who didn’t have kids that wanted them it wouldn’t work between us because I don’t want to have any more. That is one of the first things I want to know if I am going to start talking to someone. No since in getting into something when we want two different things. But then talking to her or not even talking but that little comment in a passing conversation has me thinking. Am I wrong for not wanting any more? Is it wrong to not want to get with someone who wants kids or more kids? Am I just passing over a group of guys that maybe Mr. Right is in because of this? Are we really meant to leave it to god and let him decide how many kids we have? I am going to have to research that. I don’t agree with these girls or guys that have a bunch of different kids by a bunch of different people. But if I really met someone and decided to remarry or make some thing to them is it wrong to not want any more kids? I looking at it as I can get with this person and we can say ok we love each other and want to spend the rest of our life together or even get married and still end up not being together in 4 or 5 years or 10 years done the road. I marred father of the year and that was supposed to be it for life and look where we are. Then we have RC who everything was wonderful he wanted me to adopt his kids and all this and then few days later he is done. There is no 100% someone is going to stay even if you are 100% committed to the relationship. I don’t want to put another child thought that. Another reason I don’t know that I want to even live together or for my kids to even know I am seeing someone and to meet them. I don’t want them to get use to someone being there like they did with RC and then they up and leave or what.

I was set one starting to check out forms of permanent birth control here soon. I had already been looking at a few and was going to start researching what would be best for me. That is huge because I always said I wouldn’t do that because of the risk of getting my tubes tied but they have other things now so I figured I would check that out. Just to make sure there are no accidents or scares and to put my mind at easy with everything. Then it couldn’t be a topic of conversation up for debate when I met someone because I couldn’t have any more. I would love to do foster care or adopt. But it is also something I would look at on my own not because I had someone in my life or because someone else wanted it. I think I am going to have to really think about this and what I really want. I fell that if I was so sure that I wanted to do this then why has her comment made me think twice about things? Why do I keep thinking about it and not as 100% sure about my decision to look into birth control. I could do a birth control that isn’t permanent but I have tried different ones in the past and they didn’t work for me. I was always sick and moody and I got pregnant with my first on birth control.

I just don’t know why this is bothering me so much.

A Confident Women

Fist I just have to say I love my tattoo (You can check it out here My New Tattoo) but I do not love this stage of the healing. It is at the peeling and itching like crazy stage. I just want to reach down and dig it off my foot. I say this because it is driving me crazy as I sit here and try to write my post. Makes it hard to think sometimes.

 

Back to the original post now. As I said in my previous post I made it to my monthly women’s bible study at church last night. Well I guess that would really be two nights ago now seeing as it is already Friday as I write this. The leader is the ministers wife she is a minister as well. They went to school together to do this.

She showed a video of Joyce Myers called the 7 secrets of a confident women. They are…………….

Secret #1—A Confident Woman Knows That She Is Loved

Secret #2—A Confident Woman Refuses To Live In Fear

Secret #3—A Confident Woman Is Positive

Secret #4—A Confident Woman Recovers From Setbacks

Secret #5—A Confident Woman Avoids Comparison

Secret #6—A Confident Woman Does Not Live In “If Only” And “What If”

Secret #7—A Confident Woman Takes Action

Why she was talking about these all I could do was sit there and think what happen? Where did I go? That use to be me. I use to be so confident and never cared what anyone thought and wouldn’t take no for an answer or let a bump along the way stop me. Now I fight to drag myself out of bed and get the things I need to do done. Much less be confident.

Loved I don’t feel loved by anyone any more. Why would I no one seems to have anything good to say and always has something to say about anything I do. The kids its a fight to get them to do anything at all even take care of their self and shower is a fight. They don’t feel they should have to do anything and complain about everything. Nothing is ever good enough or just ok or looked as it is my life I decide what to do with it and even though it isn’t what you would do don’t mean it is wrong. Lately I keep hearing you can’t be loved over an over in my head and the things that were said when me and RC were arguing.

A confident women don’t live in fear. It seems I don’t make a move with out thinking so and so is going to say this and such and such is going to start about that. I don’t want to hear what that one has to say when they find out. Like I have to answer to them or something. I know I don’t but I still don’t feel like talking about it or listening to it. Then feeling guilty for doing something when there is really nothing to feel guilty about. It was my decision and I did what I wanted or what I wanted felt was best.

I don’t feel positive at all any more. It seems that no matter what I do or try to do how good it seems to be going something comes along and it turns into a mess. About the only thing I can say I am positive of is that whatever it is something will happen to keep it from happening or working out the way I would like. I really try hard not to look at things that way and feel that way. I go into things feeling and thinking this is it its going to be great and it still ends up not working.

Recovers from set backs. Setbacks use to be nothing more than something for me to over come and say see I could do it no matter what happens or tries to stop me. I had so many set backs trying to buy my house I know my poor boss was ready to throw in the towel and give up. But I go in he said this came up they said this we can’t close now until it is taken care of or it looks like it isn’t going to work out. I just look at him say what do they want I will make it happen and I would. We had I think 4 closing dates before we finally closed and there were a ton of things that happen before we even could get a closing date. There was no giving up or forgetting it. I was that way with everything. Now with all that has happen over the years I feel like I live in one big set back that I am never going to get out of so why try. I still do try at times but I feel that there is so much stacked against me that this is it.

A Confident Woman Avoids Comparison, I think this is the only one that I really don’t do. I am not sure why and I may in sometimes. But for the most part I don’t feel that anyone is any better or any less than I am. I know the things I want and I work to get them. It don’t bother me if others have things or what they have. I just figure they got theirs and I will get mine in time if it is I’m supposed to.

Ah the good old “If only’s” And “what if’s” I have never really had a problem with the what if’s because if they happen then you do what you have to do get through them and move on. Not something to worry about because what if I never did anything because of what might happen? Then I would never leave my house and have a life. The if only’s I have said if only this or that but mostly just in passing joking or just a in our dreams kind of thing. Never really feeling that if only I had this or that things would be better. But lately I have lived with the if only’s and the what if’s. If I had more money was able to just go out and work whatever job and hours like father of the year and rc me and the kids would be a lot better off. I wouldn’t have to worry about what is going to happen once we are on our own again. But that comes up a lot. That leads to the what if we end up homeless again or how do we not end up homeless again and not have to live the way we are now with everyone unhappy. I feel if only things had turned out different than they did when I was out the first time.

A confident women takes action. Again use to be me a set back came up, and what if happen it wasn’t a big deal. I just go into what needs to be done to fix it how do we make that happen? What if we do this and this. It isn’t working ok then do it this way or fight for it because it is supposed to work or be that way. Now I feel like I am beat down and wore out. I feel that I am tired of being the one to always take action and have to handle everything. I am tired of being the one to always take action and fix everything or try to. I am tired of always being the one fighting to make sure everything is being done right and making sure it is if it wasn’t. I feel like I have no more action or fight left in me. I feel like I have no more energy in me to do anything. Like I said I fight to get out of bed most days and be any kind of productive where am I supposed to get the energy to take action on anything else.

I feel like why do any of this when no one cares and all I hear is how I should have done this I needed to do that, I didn’t do this and that over there is just not right. Why even care and why do more than just get through a day and day to day things.

I really don’t know how to get back to where I was and how I use to be. I have often thought about this and how I lost myself and everything I was over the last few years or more. Mostly the last year or so that I was with father of the year and he did me the way he did and treated me how he did and still to this day the way he dose and treats me still and I feel stuck and as if I can’t get a way from it or out of it. It is hard to believe that a person can make such a 360 degree turn around from what they where and what they are now and not even notice until its to late and it is done. I feel like someone just took that part of me and erased it from ever existing but there is that little part of me that knows it did but I can’t get it back or prove it. I feel like but an empty shell trying to figure out what to do and where to go from here and how to get there.

 

 

We’ll Call It A Good Day

The home school group we meet up with and do things with sometimes had a park day today. They do them at least every two weeks and every week when it is nice out. We hadn’t been in a while with the holidays and everything we had going on. I thought of it the other day and decided to ask when the next one was. The one mom I met there said it was today. I really wanted to go until this morning. I just felt so tired and not like doing anything at all. I finally prided myself up about 45 minutes before we were supposed to be there and got everyone else up and ready and we went. Amazingly we stopped grabbed lunch and got gas and was only 5 minutes late getting there. They meet at one every one gets there as close to that as they can so not really late, but I figured we wouldn’t get there until at least 1:30.

I figured we would stay an hour or so and leave I wasn’t feeling like chasing the baby around or being out there in the heat forever. But I had told my little guy that we would go to the park today I knew he would be asking later. 6 1/2 hours later we left and came home.

There was the lady I know and her daughter there when we got there and two boys they picked up we had met before on a trip. Then a little while later another family came. My kids had a blast. there ended up being 6 boys and 6 girls of all ages.

The boys went and walked the trails and ran all over. The girls kidnapped my little bitty and I hardly seen her why we were there. They played with her and passed her around like a doll. Surprisingly enough she didn’t mind and had a blast as well. She I think was just enjoying all the little girls to play with.

We all kept saying we had to go and then just kept talking and talking. Then we got up to go and decided to take all the kids and walk the trails. After that we ended up back at the tables talking the kids back out playing. We finally had to pry them a way so we could get them home give them dinner and baths before it got late.

I am really glad that I did get up and go my kids had so much fun and It helped me a lot to just get out and talk to others about things other than the same old stuff that’s going on. We talked about how things have been going the last month they said the same thing the kids need time to cope and process things as well that we been doing the right things.

I did find out that it is going to cost me more than I thought for the classes I want to put the kids in next year. It is twice what I thought it would be. I am going to go to and informational meeting at the park next Thursday about it and to a open house next Tuesday. This way I can check it out see how it all works and make sure it is what I want.  Reading about it I think it is I just want to really see how it all works see how my kids do. It will be nice because they go over most everything there once a week in classes then you go over it more at home. I also have some math and other things picked out to work more one on one with them at home. Just to fill in the gaps and things they have to make things easier. She did say that I could set up a payment plan and pay it off that way. I have 3 that will be in the classes. I am hoping that my big boys scholarship will pick up and start paying for it as they pay for the books and things for the program but have denied peoples claims for the program. What good is the supplies if your not going to cover the program really. I hope my oldest likes it as she is talking about wanting to go back to school because she is listening to father of the year and my mother about how they aren’t sitting down with their nose in books for 8 hours a day and doing tons of workbook pages they must not be learning anything. Just because they aren’t doing tons of workbook pages or book reports on every book they read don’t mean they aren’t learning anything.

My oldest will read 20 to 30 god size books in a week. She is only 12, she remembers what she read and she can explain what she read and understands it all. If she can sit there and tell me the book chapter for chapter why do I need to make her sit down and write a book report? I don’t want to make her not want to read because she is going to have to do a written report. I want her to want to read and keep learning and enjoy reading. My son is the same way he don’t read as quick as her it takes him a few days to a week to finish a book but he can tell you cover to cover what it is about and everything you want to know. They both are always asking me why is this, why is that, how dose this work or what is this like. I tell them what I know then I tell them go look it up on line and go find some books to read about it. They will and they will research it for a day or two or a week until they have their questions answered. They will read something and come tell me did you know this or that about such and such. They look something up and they are right back it says this and about it how is that or do you really think it is that way. They will research to see if it really was or how it is. If I made them sit down and write about all they find they wouldn’t care and wouldn’t want to look stuff up. I hated having to research stuff and writing reports in school. It got to where I read the first chapter or two then one or two in the middle and the last chapter of books. That way I had idea of what the book was about what happen and how it ended so I could write the report. If I needed to make since out of something I would read few pages to figure it out and keep moving. Because we weren’t allowed to read just for enjoyment or read and go over it in class we had to write this report. They started their blogs, well made their blogs to keep track of the things we did for school. I did tell them when we started really working with them they could write reviews about their books they read on there for a post and maybe have discussion about it with others who have read it. They thought that was a good idea. Even if they just write a review of it and post it will help get people to look at their blogs and build followers. But even though don’t need to be on every book they read. I’m ok with their review they give me and I would like them to start keeping a list of all the books they finish just so that I do have it for my records in case I ever need it and so I can see what they are reading and like what books we have and don’t have. That way when I go to book sales and I’m out other places I can see what we have what is in line with other stuff they are reading they might be interested in.

But over all I got out of bed and got out of the house and did something I haven’t done in a while. I am happy about. It wasn’t easy but I did it. I also went to bible study at church last night as well. Two out of two I think I am doing pretty good. Because I really didn’t have to do either one. The house was in pretty decent shape when the therapist came this week as well. Didn’t look like a tornado went through or cluttered mess everywhere. Slowly but surely this too I will get through.

 

A New Mommy

So the other night we were in the living room and my little guy was supposed to be eating and he wanted me to feed him. I told him no he needed to feed his self. He is 4 well beyond the point of needing to be fed, but just something else father of the year has started. He got all mad and told me he wanted another mommy and he didn’t like me any more.

I was standing by the front door I opened it and told him to get out. He started to walk over to the door he looked at me. It is about 10 pm so it is dark and no one really around. I said you said you want a new mommy then you need to get out there and find her there is no reason for you to be here taking up space and me having to work around you. I can use the time I would be doing things for you to do things for the other kids. The sooner you start looking the sooner you will find one hopefully. He walked over looked around outside. I said what are you thinking about just go.

He looked at me and started to cry, I don’t want to go I don’t want a new mommmy you are my mommy. I’m sorry I love you.

I bet he won’t tell me he wants a new mommy no more. My friend was like what did you do when he said that I been all upset. I said same thing I did when my oldest told me she was moving. I told her pack your stuff I will buy you the bus ticket and put you on your way. She couldn’t believe it.

But getting upset is what they want you to do. They want you to feel bad and they want you to want them to be happy so they figure you will let them have their way or do what they want if they say that kind of thing. Not this momma I don’t play the do stuff to get my way or make mom feel bad so she gives me my way game. They want to play hard ball I can play too. They don’t know what to do when you call their bluff.

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