Trying to get back to writing more often again. I was doing pretty good about posting at least every day or so. Then my dad passed it has been a struggle to even get out of bed a lot of days. Even when I have stuff to do I lay here until I have to get up and get ready. We have eaten out way more than I could afford to or should be. I know I need to get up but I just can’t force myself to get up. Everything just seems to be a mess right now I can’t seem to get back on top of it and it just makes me more depressed than I already am. If that is even possible the way I already feel.
I was at my moms the other day she needed to go shopping her truck is down. I went to leave she gave me a hug. All I could think whey we were out is I can’t ever do this kind of stuff with my dad again. He’s gone just gone like that he was here now he isn’t. Life just keeps going on like nothing ever happen. As if no one knows. I walk around watch everyone going about their lives it just seems so wrong like we should be waiting that he really isn’t gone he is just running late and if we just wait he will be here in a little bit. I feel like something is missing something to give that closer to make it real to make it ok to move on. I feel like right now it isn’t real there is no closer I’m not supposed to move on yet that there is something I haven’t done.
I think about things he told us and things we talked about and there is just some things that don’t make since that no one can explain or know why. We all know my dad and how my dad was and when he says something you can pretty much count on it. Now in the end when he isn’t here to ask we are left with the missing pieces of the puzzle.
Maybe one of them isn’t something he has at all, I really don’t know. I just need that last thing I am supposed to find or do or what ever it is to have that closure and feel that I can move on. Right now I just feel I can’t there is something that is undone not taken care of that is important. I feel it is something that no one but him has the answer to and it is meant for me to figure out if I want to move on. I do feel there is someone else that is supposed to be involved but that I have not yet encountered them.
I don’t know how to explain it and it probably sound crazy, but it is hard to explain feelings. They aren’t really something you can explain I don’t think.