I haven’t written a lot the last month and a half. I am still struggling to deal with the loss of my dad. I have ok days and I have bad days. Don’t think I really have any good days. Maybe the ones where I get out of bed and do something, get dressed and leave the house. Really they are just ok days not like I do anything great just get everyone to their appointments and where they need to be. So we will stick with ok days and bad days. Seems best for now.

I did take the boys out and get them so clothes and myself a couple shirts that we have needed. I got the baby a couple dresses and a outfit. I still have to take my big girl shopping when she gets home. Really I did it because the baby was sleeping in her stroller and I didn’t want to be home. I bounce between not wanting to get out of bed to not wanting to be in the house and just having to get out. She wasn’t fussing and I had to go to the store anyway so we shopped.

I haven’t been food shopping and stocked the house in I can’t tell you when. I send father of the year to grab stuff to go with stuff we have to make meals or to get something to make. If I have to I will get out and go get it. I really got to get the house restocked it is costing way to much money. But the way I have felt the last thing I want to do is go shopping. I don’t like being around the crowds and dealing with the people.

I am starting to want to do something with the house it has gotten really out of control to the point of its bothering me I got to do something. Father of the year took his bed and some other stuff to his new place last night. We have been going through things in the kids room and the playroom.

I am getting rid of most everything in the play room. What they do get to keep is going in bins in their rooms in their closets. I have money sat aside to order bookshelves for out there to put all mine and the kids books on. I am ordering 4 of the tall ones and 4 of the smaller ones. The taller ones are for my books, while each of the kids will each get one of the smaller ones for their books and school stuff. I am also putting their desk out of their rooms in there and a desk for the computer. This way they each have a place to sit and do school work and keep their laptops. The other desk for the little kids. They are learning to use the computer right now it is on a table that sits up high with stools at it. I want it down where they can reach it not be up so high. This way they can work it better and I don’t have to worry about them falling.

I am so glad that father of the year is moving. This is it no matter what happens he is not going to be coming back here to stay. The office called me today about my lease it is up at the end of the month she wanted to know if I would be signing a new one or what. I told her I had to because right now I can’t move. Everything cost so much that I would have to pay 2 or $300 more in just rent I don’t have it. She said ok she was going to have them write it up and would get back to me we hung up. I thought as soon as we did that father of the year is on the lease. I called her back and told her that I wanted it in just my name so that he can’t just say he is on it he is moving back in. Because if he is on it I have to let him. She said she would send it in just my name he may have to sign a paper saying the deposit went to me or something like that. I’m not worried about it if he dose he dose if he don’t he don’t. They can give it all to him. It worth it to be rid of him. I don’t think it will be a problem. I haven’t told him I am signing a new lease or that he may have to sign anything. I am just going to wait see what happens. If he don’t have to go down sign anything then I am not going to tell him I signed a new one. He thinks I am looking for somewhere to move and just going to do a month to month. It isn’t a big deal but to me it is none of his business. I have had to tell him and deal with him on everything now I don’t. It has nothing to do with him it is mine to take care of and be responsible for.

I hope that he will be out by Wednesday or Thursday night. I can get everything out there set up. I have to wait on the bookshelves because I have to order them still and then they have to be brought. I wanted to order the little’s new car-seats but they were out of stock. If they are not back up by tomorrow I will probably just go ahead and order them place another order later.

Good news my little bitty is starting to potty train. As long as I let her run around naked she uses the potty. Yesterday she went to take a nap she was naked. I put a diaper on her once she goes to sleep just in case. I was laying on my bed reading a book forgot. about a hour after she went to sleep she got up went got on her little potty and pee then went back to sleep for a while. I was impressed because she still wakes up wet after naps and soaked in the morning. Lot of mornings I wake up she has gotten up in the night took her diaper off laid it on the floor and went back to sleep naked. Everyone says she is my child because she don’t like clothes.

The other kids are doing pretty good my oldest is staying with my mom for a little bit. She should be home by the weekend. The boys have been being boys. My 9 year old is growing up so fast he is going to be 10 in September he is starting to get attitude and lazy. Have been after him for weeks to clean his room he hasn’t. Finally his dad went in there and cleaned it for him yet again. He seems to not mind doing laundry so he has been on laundry duty the last few days. It has gotten neglected with the rest of the house. He seems to be getting on top of it. At least getting it washed and dried folded we have to work on. Right now it is on his sisters bed. At this point I feel if I have to go through their playroom and pick up clean up and get rid of stuff because they don’t and he has to clean their room they can wash the clothes. He is teaching his little brother how to do them and having him help. I shouldn’t have to try to catch them up and do everything else.

I am also taking part of this money and ordering all of next years homeschool stuff so that we have it and can start it when the time comes. I am going to get them started on a program on line to finish out the rest of this year and call it a year. The kids here get out the first of June. I think I will have them work until first of July and then give them July and August off start September like we did this year.

My mom is flipping out they haven’t done enough they aren’t learning and blah blah. I am not worried about it they say you should deschool at least a month for every year they were in school. That would be 9 around months for my oldest and 7 for my other. They both read all the time and are always looking stuff up on line they want to know about. We are going back to our homeschool group Thursday as well and I am going to a meeting about getting them both into Classical Conversations for next year. They only go for 24 weeks a year not 36 like the public schools I am sure by the time we get done this summer we will have at least that done for this year.

Saturday was a hard day when I went to get my dads tattoo. My friend went with me and sat there and talk to me why he did it we got on the subject of my dad all I could do was cry why he was doing it. He said he lost his mom when he was 12. I can’t imagine losing my parent that young. Hearing that makes me feel selfish because I did get so much time with my dad that people like him and other kids I know didn’t with their’s.

I’ve not been sleeping for a while now. It is different than when I can’t sleep other times. I get to sleep and start to sleep really good and all of a sudden wide awake for no reason and can’t get back to sleep. When I wake up I have only been sleeping for maybe 45 minutes at the most. I may fall a sleep here and there through the night but only for a few minutes and then up again. I finally fell asleep late in the night last night probably closer to this morning and sleep for a while. I got up once to give the baby a bottle and figured I be up after that but I felt so tired I went right back to sleep for hours more. But now here I sit at 11:50 pm wide awake again.

Trying to get the house moved around and back under control has been way more stressful than it should or has to be. I can’t left and move most of the stuff and need father of the year to get his stuff out of the way. I have been asking for a month or more for him to move his stuff pack it get it out of the way and help me move the other stuff and get it moved. He don’t or waits until late to start then cries and bitches that it is late he is sleepy he has to work in a few hours or waiting on calls he should be sleeping. But it don’t matter that he just had 2 days off and didn’t bother to do anything. Now that he finally has his stuff out he is supposed to help me get all the big stuffed moved to the room it goes in and my friend is going to come Wednesday and Thursday to help me move everything around go through it. We are getting everything ready for the relay for life yard sale so we can donate the money to it.

That all the fun that has been going on in my life the last few weeks month. I have done really good at not drinking I do have to say. I lay there at night and think if I just had a drink or two I would probably go to sleep and get a good nights sleep but I don’t. Or I sit here and try not to think about things and it just nags and nags me in the back of my mind that a drink would be really good right now how relaxed i would be and not so stressed out. It seems so crazy to me because I am not really a drinker her and there once in a while sitting around talking with friends or if I go out I might have a couple. Never when I am going through something like this other than the one night last month when I drank that one night. That is the first and only time I had ever drank like that. But lately I have wanted to more often than not. I am hoping getting us back into going to the homeschool meetings and starting school work again and getting the house in order will help turn things around make things seem less stressful.

I think I need to write more again as well it always seems to help me feel less stressed too. My goal I think will be to write at least every other day for now.

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