{April 30, 2015}   What He’s Up To or Done Now

My mom called this morning and she tells me she got a text from father of the year saying he got moved to the shop as a mechanic. He said not by choose but to keep his job.

He has said for a while now he was going to see if they would just move him to shop side so he didn’t have to do the towing. But it is less money and he don’t have near the tools he is going to need to do the job. He don’t work fast enough to make any money at it. All the jobs he has had he has gotten in trouble for being to slow. The last job he had working in a shop is where the term father of the year time came the only reason they kept him was a body that although slow would come in any time they said and do whatever they said and not complain.

I guess this is so he can say he isn’t working 24/7  6 days a week. But he is still working 6 days a week with only one day off. Who knows he hit a poll the other day and knocked the box of the truck and who knows what to the pole. Who knows what is going on. He was supposed to be over here two days ago and we haven’t seen or heard from him. I figure the text was ment to be sent to me not her he just didn’t know it went to her. That is why he said not by chose because we have talked about it and that it wasn’t a good idea and how he wouldn’t make hardly anything. He even said he wouldn’t just more lies. His phone has been off and he decided to get it back on today and still haven’t heard from him. He had a phone he could use but didn’t offer to. I figure when I do hear from him it will be to say he can’t take the kids until he gets off at 6 tomorrow. When he was supposed to be here at 8. Knowing I have this party to put together and shop for and other things to do.

It be nice to say its a good thing and he is trying to do what he needs to do but he is crying now that he has no money and can’t afford this and that. Asking to be moved to a job where he is going to be making a lot less isn’t doing that. If he did get moved because of messing up on the tow truck is not excuse either. He dose this all the time all over and it is never his fault. I am sure when he finally decides to come around he will have some excuse why he got moved and how it was someone else fault how he didn’t do anything wrong.

If he done it because he thinks he will get out of paying anything or get off paying hardly anything he is in for a surprise because they are going to look at what he has been making and tell him he is able to make it to go find something making it. They have caught on to these guys taking jobs making nothing to get out of paying. I have 8 months worth of pay stubs showing what he has been making.

So as of right now he has took a job working the same 6 days he been working for less pay. Seems like he is doing better for himself already. Since he lost his job doing electrical he has done nothing but get job after job making less than the last one. He finely gets this one making decent and dose whatever it is he has done to get moved to less money again. He makes no since to me.

{April 30, 2015}   My Head Is spinning

I really do need to get to the collage and do what I need to do to get started in some classes. I’m not even sure what I am supposed to be going to take classes for. I have been looking stuff up tonight and trying to make sure I go for the right thing and what is going to give me the most opportunity when I get out of school and let me work in the areas I want to work in as well. My head is spinning from all the information and trying to figure out what each sub title or field is under the heading and what one would work best for me.

Looking at it all and if I am understanding it correctly I can get my Masters in 2 years and a PhD in 7.5. That isn’t bad considering I thought it would take me around 8 to get my Masters. If I am right if I went for my phd I would come out of school not only being able to have my own office and be a therapist but also teach. That would be great because it would open more options for employment. I wish the school here was open on Friday so I could go in and talk to someone.

I was hoping to get to go tomorrow but the kids aren’t going to their dads until Friday. They are going then for sure if I have to take them and drop them off to him. I have to plan this party and shop for it so I have everything to do it Saturday. They called to see if they could go tomorrow but they can’t since he is working.

I’m going to spend the next couple days researching all this and writing things down. Then put together a list of questions so that when I do get to talk to someone I don’t forget to ask them everything. I hope that once I go in and talk to someone I can take the test or come home with a date to take the test.

{April 28, 2015}   Got To Get My Kids Out

I have got to get my kids out of here away from this area and somewhere better. We live maybe a mile from Wal Mart and 8 blocks from a Save A Lot. We are in the back of the neighbourhood and Save A Lot is in the front, on the other corner than us. I hate Wal Mart I avoid it like the plague when I can. It’s not my Favourite place to start with and around here it’s worse with the people that go there.

I needed some things at the store, I really should have went to Wal Mart because Save A Lot don’t have part of the stuff I needed. I decided between the kids not wanting to go and the time it was I would skip the things I would have gotten there and just go to Save A Lot and get what I could there. Most what I really needed was for dinner so I could get it easy. The rest I could do with out a little longer.

I pull in I see two guys a lady and a baby standing around the back of this car. It just seemed odd and out of place. I park and they are on the next row across from me in front of my truck. No sooner than I open my door this guy is making a be line to me. He comes around and shows me his car parked a few spaces over from me and tells me he has a flat and the rubber is coming apart they are trying to get a tire. They are $22 and some change short. Could I please help them get a tire for their car. Go over to Wal Mart and help them get this tire. I started to say no, then I started to give them a couple dollars tell them it was all I could do. Something just said take them and get the tire give them what they are short. I finally said ok take it off and we can go get the tire. He had called his wife over there she seemed really embarrassed. When she got over there he just seemed to act really funny. Then he says well if you want to follow us over there then and we can get it. I said your going to mess your rim up if you do that your on a flat. He says we aren’t worried about the rim we just need to get a new tire. I said well look if you drive it on that flat you are going to bend the rim up and you are not going to be able to put a tire on it. You will need to buy another one and to do that even used you are looking at no less than $100 if you don’t have money for a tire you are going to be in even worse shape. I said we can go get the tire and bring it back you can put it on if you want instead of taking it and having them but it be much easier to have them do it.

Why I am talking he is telling me how they just want to get out of here and how weird the people are around there are all this. He says that someone came over and asked them for help even though they have a flat. He says one guy gave me I have never seen anything like that or done that kind of thing. I know he must be talking about some kind of drug, I’m thinking he has it on him now don’t know where to get rid of it. I said he gave you what and leaned out of the truck and they said acid. I don’t believe it I don’t believe some guy just came along and gave it to him either. Then he tells me look the truth is….

Why he is telling me this I see the guy with the other women and the baby stopping some guy who got out of a van asking the guy if he wanted him to shine his headlights why he was in the store and how much it would cost. All I could think is what the fuck is going on around here. This is crazy.

Meanwhile the guy who is talking to me has taken whatever it ws this guy supposedly “gave” him he don’t know why he did. Now I have heard enough and I am pissed for wasting me time coming up to me with my kids in the car and for lying to me. He goes on to tell me he has this flat he got a donut but it isn’t the right lugs and this other guy has a donut he is willing to sell them but all they have is $3 and he wants $25. Right before this he kept saying your going to help us I don’t want to put you out any-more if you just want to give us the money we can take it over there and get the tire. I said I wasn’t going to do that I would follow them if they really wanted to drive the car that way and get it but I wasn’t giving them the cash. That’s when he said this guy had this one and that was what they were tying to get. I said no you know what just forget it. Then he says well what if you don’t give us the money, what if we call the guy and he brings it here you just give him the money so we can get the dunut. I said no that’s ok. My little guy was saying he had to pee. I told them to get out so we could go inside. They finally walked away. I was kind of worried to leave my truck sitting there at that point and go in, worried he might break into it to see what he could find. No sooner than I stepped stepped out and turned around they were gone no where in sight them and car was gone like they just disappeared.

I had planed to go in the store and let them know what was going on out there and how he just stood there and told me he was on something. They were gone I didn’t say anything. I didn’t see any of the managers or my friend around just the kids working the registers.

When I went back out the guy with the light shining stuff was talking to a lady and I guess she told him he could do her lights so he was. I heard him telling her about the other guy. He said yeah he was asking people for money and things wanting to get a tire for his car. I didn’t think that was right so I called the police on him. But the police said I couldn’t understand or hear what he said. They were a little bit away from me. He said I guess it is ok to bother people and ask them for money and things. I am guessing they told him they couldn’t do anything about it.

All I could think was you are out here doing the samething for the most part and you are going to call on him and try to get him in trouble. What is the difference? I don’t want to be bothered by either one of you when I pull up and try to go shopping. I don’t mind helping someone once in a while if they really need it and they tell me the truth upfront. If you really need help then you take the help how it is offered not push to get the cash. If you need food then take the food or go order food if that is what they offer. If it is a tire you need then when they say they will get you the tire take it don’t try to con them out of the cash saying you don’t want to put them out more than you already have. Once you refuse the help it throws big red flags and once you tell someone your own something they are not going to believe that it’s the first time and that some dude just gave it to you. They are going to know that you need whatever you say you need because you just spent your money on whatever it was you just decided to try for the “first time” and that you probably just want to go get more not what you said to start with.

I don’t want my kids growing up any longer in this mess and being exposed to it. I sure don’t want them getting a little older and end up in doing the same thing. It really has taken over here. Everyone said it was bad when I was in school but I don’t think it was this bad. I know it wasn’t this bad. Just in the last 10 years or so has it gotten really bad. There are two other stores about 3 or so blocks either direction from Save A Lot. They are worse than Save A Lot. I have never really thought twice about going to save a lot. I have worked there two different times. I go up there when I need stuff. I can’t think of but maybe once I have had someone ask for money or help with something in all the years. We had a lot of people come through and try to steal stuff but had that at other stores as well I worked at. But to bother customers trying to go in and out they just didn’t. The other two stores there is trash blowing around two or three cars sitting around with people hanging out halloring and yelling back and forth and all over. People standing around up and down the walks watching you and asking for stuff. I avoid them like I do Wal Mart probably more than I do them. Because at least at wal mart it is clean there isn’t a bunch of people hanging around outside stopping you banging radios and things.

I knew kids and knew of kids who did pot in school and a few who did other things as well. But for the most part it was just pot and most of my closest friends didn’t do anything like that. It didn’t matter if you did or not no one said anything we all could still talk and be friends. They knew who done it and who didn’t and they respected that and it wasn’t a problem. They would offer if you were around like you would anything else but there still wasn’t pressure to do it. Today it seems like everyone is into a lot more than just pot. If you aren’t doing it right along with them there is a lot of pressure for you to and bulling. It isn’t right. I don’t want my kids to come to that pressure and bulling and end up on something. I don’t want them to have friends who are all on anything and everything. Them to feel as if it is normal and the thing to do. I have seen to many other family members lose everything over drugs and still can’t get away from them. Look at RC the things he has done and all that he has lost and all the people he has hurt on the way. People will tell you it is everywhere and it is but it isn’t this bad everywhere. My area was in the top 20 of worse places to live with the most crime and most dangerst. Not everywhere is in the top 20 or even close to being in the top 20.

They want horses and things like that too. If we could get moved we could have that kind of stuff. But now because of father of the year once again it looks like we will be stuck here until my oldest 3 are 18. I really got to figure out what I can do and get something done to take care of all this.

{April 28, 2015}   Custody

Edited to fix the coloring so that it could be seen and read easily. I am not sure what happen or how to fix it but when I was typing it last night it wouln’t show up up at all. I change the color and it did but then noticed today that you couldn’t really read the post that well. This is the only color I can get to show up decent when I post. 

Father of the year came over tonight so we could work on filling these papers out and getting them turned in. He is dead set on wanting join custody. He just acts like it is no big deal. I brought up the fact of no sitter. His answer is he is going to get another job and he will have to find one. How mom said she could watch them if he paid extra on the rent or something. I said what about a place for them to stay. He said well the boys or the kids could stay in his room he have to sleep on the couch. I said no if they are going to be living with you then you need to have a room for girl and one for the boys and you a room. No that don’t matter and all this he started saying. I said yes it dose they aren’t going to be coming over there sleeping on the floor or on mattress on the floor. He said well you had 5 kids in that apartment you were in. It was only tempareally and it was because he didn’t take them for the summer like he was supposed to. If he had taken them and hadn’t told me until after I had already moved he wasn’t they wouldn’t have been there and they all had their own beds and their own dressers. Like I told him he don’t take them when he is supposed to now and or then. When we worked it he could have them for one full week he pitched a bitch because he had a date one night that week and wasn’t going to be home and he might get some as he put it. he finally took them and then left them home for the night and went and spend the night with this girl that he just met on line. 

Like we have talked about before jerking them back and forth every few days or week isn’t right to them. How would he feel to feel like your never home? About the time you are getting settled in you have to go spend 3 days or a week somewhere else and in the middle of that go back and spend a day or so back at the other place. I know my big boy is not going to like it and will have a hard time with it. We will start seeing bigger problems from him than I am already having because of the way father of the year has done. He is always on him and nasty to him. my little guy will like getting to see his dad but he is going to get tired of going back and forth really fast and he will start acting out as well. Like I told him he seen how it was living there before and that she can’t handle them and how loud they are and things all the time it isn’t going to work. He says he is going to have to go get a house. I don’t know how he thinks he is going to go get a house when he can’t afford to pay where he is now and has no money left so he says now. He is supposed to have them Friday and all I have heard is he don’t know how he is going to get food and things for them when they are there. But he can get a house that is going to cost him way more and all this. 

Plus both the boys have therapy once a week right now once we pick up speech and find another ot to work with my big boy it will be more like 3 or 4 times a week. He says he will just have to take off and take them. I know he isn’t going to. He knows why he sits there and says it he isn’t going too. It is going to make things harder to find a baby sitter because when I say oh well on this week you will have one but then these days next week you will have 4 and then only one and then other days the following week 4 again and it will always change days and weeks no one is going to want to do that. I wouldn’t when you are going to be getting paid for one kid sometimes and 4 others. Never knowing when your days are going to be off. At least if they are here and go there on weekends then it will be pretty set. If he starts taking them over there like that my mom isn’t going to watch them for me because she is going to want a break from them being there all the time. If she watches them for him and me then she will pretty much have them all the time 7 days a week just about. She is going to do that. I already know she is going to watch them for long if she dose once I start working but once I am working and have money coming in and know for the most part what my hours are going to be then I can find someone. 

I’m just so upset and mad the way he is doing. He says so I’m just supposed to pay you and see them when you say and if you don’t want me to have them then that’s just that. Like I told him no that isn’t how it is at all that wasn’t how it was before. 

Like I told him before he could have them any time he wanted too and I couldn’t force him to even take them when he was supposed to just like the summer and the one week out of the summer he was supposed to have them he couldn’t stay with them he had to skip out leave them home. Then in the next breath he has I took them before when you would call and ask if I could take them or take the baby talking about my little guy at the time so you could do stuff with the older kids. He did once or twice and took the baby because I had to go to the hospital once why the kids were in school. That was a few hours not like he took them for the day or weeks like he trying to make it out to be. 

I just want to tell him to take his fucking money and keep it and leave the kids alone take them on the weekends or whatever but not joint custody. Then I think wonder what he would say if I said ok fine you want them then you take them all the time I’ll give you custody. I’ll take them every other weekend part of the summer and a few hours once a week. See what he would say then. But my luck he wouldn’t care he would do it. I feel like telling him fine you want to do this to get out of child support I am going after alimony since you have kept me from working all this time. So you want to play games then we will play games. This will keep me from being able to move out of state like he knows that not only I want to do but the kids as well. I said something about that he said well again what am I supposed to just pay and not see them. I said no plenty of other people do it all the time you make arrangement to be able to see them. He of course had a call he got one earlier when we were trying to talk about it. He just said he would come back tomorrow evening to talk about it more. He says have you asked the kids what do they want and how do they want to do it. But they don’t know what it is really going to be like going back and forth all the time and having to go. Once it goes to court there isn’t much I can do with out going back to court and at that point I don’t know how I will because of cost and things because it will be a fight. I just feel like everything is against me and no matter how much I try to get ahead and change things something always happens to mess it up or knock me down. I love my kids I don’t want them to be shuffled around like this. I think it is really sad and wrong that the courts see nothing wrong with doing this to kids. I said what about school? He said well I thought you were going to keep home schooling them. I said yeah and if they are being shuffled around back and forth all the time how is that going to work? Well I guess we are both going to have to do it. That is going to be a desaster and a half he isn’t going to do it or half do it say he don’t know how or make up some excuse. It will be dumped on me to do and take care of the few days they are here. If we have to do the joint they are going to probably have to go back to school. It is just going to be to much chaose and confusion with me trying to work with them and show them and him working with them, dragging everything back and forth. Books will be getting tore up and lost to drag projects and things back and forth. 

I think I need to sit down and really think about this and decide how much and what I am willing to keep taking on if he is going to force this issue and make everyone do things his way. Because I can’t keep fighting and doing this and being stressed out. And I am not going to take on all this extra stuff and keep trying to do it if this is how he wants it. I know what he is thinking is that we will just keep doing things the way we are until he gets another job and finds a house or whatever. If he is going to push the issue then I am going to tell him fine you want to really do it this way then we are. I have had them the last month you have been gone you had them one night out of that month. I think it is your turn to have them starting now. So you need to figure out how to get them home go shopping and get food in the house and find a baby sitter right a way. Don’t forget he has therapy at 3 today and the other had it at 10 am tomorrow. Hope you don’t get a call in the time it takes you to drop your tow truck off get back pick them up go shopping get them home and find a baby sitter. Hope you figure it all out by the time you go to work in the morning. Because when you leave them at the house with her and it isn’t working for her and she calls me I’m going to tell her oh sorry it is your weeks to have them and she is going to have to figure out how to get a hold of you since your phone is off. Guess she is going to have to call your job hope you don’t get in trouble for having phone calls and having to drop everything and run home to take care of the kids. Because after over and over again saying he was going to do one thing and yet again doing something else why should I just keep going along and be done this way until it is convinate for him then be done this way?

I haven’t done a lot because of the kids and not wanting to put them in the middle of things and not wanting them to be hurt or everything a mess for them. But if he is going to force it then I guess I am going to have to just not worry about it and do what I got to do. I was just so upset I couldn’t help it all I just started to cry I am trying to do what is right and best for them and he is just doing it because of money and because he don’t feel he should have to pay. He has said to me for years I can’t pay you and have a place of my own. Or I shouldn’t have to pay you all the while telling me he don’t wan them all the time and he can’t handle it all the time he don’t know how I do. I just wish something would happen so me and the kids wouldn’t have to worry about this and go through it. 

I am going to go to legal aid and child support and see what they tell me. I know if I go and file and they are staying with me right now they will give it to me and tell him to take it to court for custody and visitation. I also know that without anything saying who has what from the court who ever has them can keep them. So if I let them go for the night or something then he don’t have to give them back to me. But I kind of have the upper hand there because when he goes to work I can go pick them up. Who ever has them has to give them to me and he has to tell me who is watching them because they are my kids and I have a right to know. I should just go to child support and let them go after him and then just forget about going to court unless he takes me. Let all this blow over for a while and go to legal aid in the mean time and see what they say I need to do to take care of it all once and for all. Or wait until I go to work and put some money up to get a lawyer. I know just for child support it is like $2500 retainer and then so much an hour once that runs out. But if I go to child support and just let it ride for a while unless he dose something I could get the money once I go to work probably pretty fast. I have to go to get things started with my little ones dad I may as well do it with him to because even if we file right now with the court it will be months before they get us in and he won’t pay until they do. Me and them don’t live for free like he seems to think. 

Then he has the nerve to say whats wrong why are you crying whats bothering you. I couldn’t even look at him. I just wanted to tell him what a sorry mother fucker he was and what a son of a bitch he was. How fucking dirty he was to do this to the kids because he don’t want to pay. He makes anywhere from $1900 to $2500 a month and sometimes closer to $3000 a month. He have to give me just at $700 a month if everything was right when I did the paperwork. I got to get off here try to get some sleep I have places to go and phone calls to make tomorrow. I am going to go to child support Friday when he picks the kids up. He is supposed to get her and pick them up right after he gets off work at 7. If I go right down there then maybe I can get everything I need to do there done in one day so they will then get things going on his end. But I have been told it can take them 6 months or more. I just hope if I turn everything in at one time it won’t take so long. If they say it is I don’t know what I will do then. I can’t think of the what if’s right now. I just have to do one thing at a time and figure this out. 

{April 28, 2015}   Scared and Confused

I don’t really know what I want to say here. All I am thinking and feeling has all been said before in other post, such as What I Seem To Be Attracted To, Strange Attraction, Lonely And Missing Things, and Lonely.

Nothing has really changed other than we are all a little older, where we live and the fact that father of the year is out of the house finally. I still am not seeing anyone or talking to anyone. I know it is a good thing I need to get the divorce straight and taken care of and all that. With all that has been going on the last 6 months or so I have just been feeling so empty and a lone. I think about just getting out and meeting people and I feel I really shouldn’t. Then I wonder why not? Why shouldn’t I go out and meet people and have a life? Why should I sit here why life moves on and let it leave me behind? I’m still the same me rather I go out and meet new people and have a life or I just sit here and do nothing but take care of the kids and find a job and work. It’s not like I can’t do both millions of people do it everyday right.

Then thoughts of the not so distant but seems like forever ago past comes creeping in. To be honest it scares the hell out of me. The thought of meeting someone and falling for them and things not ending up so well. Being hurt again. I know I can’t let the what if’s rule my life.

I tell myself I am going to do things different this time and take things slow. Not really get into a relationship but date and see people not just get locked into one guy. But I tell myself that all the time and then look where I end up. I wasn’t looking for anyone and didn’t really want a relationship when I met father of the year but we started hanging out and one thing lead to another and now look. When I met RC I just wanted someone to hang out with talk to get to know. Not really a relationship or seeing just each other and before I knew it we were “together”.

Lets face it the options out there haven’t gotten any better. I had a guy try talking to me about a month ago when me and my friend went to lunch. I may have written about it not sure. He was I know at least 50 something and probably closer to 60. Even if I was to date older I don’t want them that old.

I think I just really need some places to go out have a nice time and meet people. There really isn’t anywhere around here. There are a ton of bars but that really isn’t may thing. Other than that where do you go?

I still just don’t know what I have done in life to end up like this.

{April 26, 2015}   The Third Degree

Yesterday when I decided me and the kids were going to take our little trip I didn’t really tell anyone. I told my friend I was thinking about going up in the night when we were talking. Then I asked my other friend that morning when I got the kids up to get ready, if she wanted to go. That was it.

So last night when I had to call father of the year to get the truck unlocked. Lest he could do since we are going on the 2 nd pay check he has given my nothing out of sine he left. He has rent to pay, bills to pay, shoes to buy, and phone bill to pay. Because you know the rest of us live for free and don’t have all that stuff to pay he seems to think. I said yeah well we have all that same stuff to buy as well. He just says I don’t know I have to see. Anyway you all already know all about that because it’s another story already written (Stupid Phone).

When I called something was said about the kids being so tired. I said we haven’t been home since 7 something this morning they were ready to go home. Then I couldn’t find the keys, we have spent time looking for them then found them in the truck. He asked where we were I told him he said oh you’ve been there helping out with the relay all day. I said no we were in Daytona most the day just came down here for a hour or so when we got back.

I could hear him choke he said you were where? I told him again. Then he wanted to know why we went up there. I said was board wanted to get out and do something. I told him what we did. Then it was well who did you go with? Who did you meet there? I said just me and the kids and I didn’t meet anyone there. We just went by ourself. He didn’t have much to say then. Like he didn’t believe me. Then he wanted to know what made you go there and you never go off like that. I said I told you I wanted to get out of the house there is nothing here to do and I decided it wouldn’t cost hardly anything to go so we packed lunch and went.

After everything was done and I finally got the keys I was on my way home and he called me. Are you seeing someone? Are you talking to someone? Who are you dating? I don’t know why you are lying to me why don’t you just tell me? I said I did tell you. Not my fault you don’t believe me. I’m not seeing, talking to, dating anyone not that if is any of your business if I was but I have no reason to hide it either because we aren’t together and haven’t been for a really long time. Besides dose he really think I’m going to take the kids to go see some guy? If I did dose he really think they wouldn’t tell him at some point when they seen him and started telling him about their trip?

Me and my friend had just been talking about this at the park before I had to call him. How he is and how he is trying to make it so that I don’t have any money thinking I will let him come back over here so he will pay the bills. Even though we aren’t together he don’t care as long as he is here and it looks like we are. Like she said if he is here I’m not with anyone else either. He can’t have me back and he don’t want me to be with anyone else and be happy either. It is true.

My other friend said tell him yeah you are seeing someone and that if he don’t take the kids on his days I was going to take them with me to see him. But really he wouldn’t care and still wouldn’t pick them up. He really wouldn’t then because he want to pump them for info when he did see them. Other than that he wouldn’t care they were around some guy I was seeing or talking to even if I just met him and knew nothing about him really. Like I told him he drags them along and takes them to meet women he met on line from these dating sites and worse I know he met one on craigslist. This even after we talked about not having them around people we just met or just started dating. If they been together for a little while and it seems to really be something then maybe. But like I said before I don’t want them around anyone I am talking to, dating or in a relationship with for at least 4 to 6 months. May sound crazy but they don’t need a new person in and out all the time.

I know it is probably killing him to get the kids by their self to ask them if anyone went with us or if we met anyone there. This morning I look at my facebook he posted on my profile good morning beautiful and this little smiley face. I hid it from my page and acted as if I didn’t even see it. What dose he really think that is going to get him?

Like I told another friend last night even if he changed 100% and fixed everything that was wrong I don’t want him back. Even if I knew it would stay that way and never change again he went back to the person he was when we met or what ever. In no way shape form or reason would I even consider taking him back. He has done things that he should have never done and should have never done to his wife girlfriend or whatever. And he is still doing shit just like not giving me anything at all to help out with the kids in a month he has been gone. Not answer his phone when he see’s my number calling. The kids try to call him he don’t answer it. Last night I call and call and someone else has to call and tell him it is a emergency he needs to call us back before he calls.

There is a reason I flinch when he gets close to me, and he makes my skin crawl and I can’t stand to have him in the same house or around.


{April 26, 2015}   Exhausting Day Of Fun

Father of the year never picked the kids up Friday then I got a call that he is puking and oh so sick blah blah. I wanted to go get my tattoo touched up before it’s to late and get some things done. That night I was sitting there thinking about something to do Saturday. I’m just tired of sitting here in the house. I thought about the flea market but how many times can you walk around the same flea market. We don’t go often but nothing seems to change any more. Its more like a bunch of stores that only open on the weekend. Where as it use to be different people selling whatever like a big yard sale. Now it is mostly new stuff and over priced because hay if your going to only be open 3 days a week you got to raise the price to make the money right.

Anyway I thought of the flea market a few counties away but decided it was really to far to drive just to go walk around. We went the board walk a few times when I was a kid but it blew away years ago and they didn’t build it back. My little bitty wanted to go to bed so why she was going to sleep I started looking up things to do. I found a lot of things to do around there that didn’t cost a lot.

I decided to go. I sat and mapped out our trip to see what was next to what and the times they were open how long it take to get to them and all that. I found the flea market was farthest a way but opened the earliest and the light house was the closest and stayed open the latest and planed from there.

After the kids went to bed I made drinks and filled their big bottles up and put them in the freezer.  Then I made sandwiches and froze them and made popcorn. This way we wouldn’t have to buy lunch. the two places last on our list was next to a park and figured we get there around lunch time. I got the kids up at 6:15 and we were on the road by 7:30. I didn’t tell them where we were going until we got in the truck. I printed up a paper with a list of where all we would be going with the hours and all that on it so I had it with me.

We went to the flea market got there right on time. We spend and hour and half walking around there. I don’t think we seen it all it was so big. We walked in a few circles I do know that. Things were so cheap there as well. It was really big and nice. Nothing like ours. We left to get over to the tour we wanted to go on or we could have spent a lot more time there.

We went to the candy factory and took a tour thing there. They showed you how they made the candy and different things. What everything was used for. Gave the kids samples.

chacolate4chacolate3Chocolate starfish and breakfast, chocolate covered bacon isn’t good.

From there we went to the Marine Science Center.

marinasiencecenter11 marinasiencecenter5


They got to touch the stingrays, starfish and other things. My little bitty put her hand in with the stingray and it get close or touch her she pull back say no. Then he be right back up there again. She didn’t know what to think when the shark touched her why her hand was in there.



They had a octopus in a tank he was pretty cool. He just laid there for a while then we came back by and he was up moving all around. marinasiencecenter20marinasiencecenter21


The light house was around the corner from there so we went when we left there. They had some of the older settlers or keepers house there you could go in and look around as well. My battery was dead on my phone just about by the time we got there so I didn’t get to many pictures. I just took pictures of the light house. lighthouse1

I couldn’t get all of it in the picture if I got any closer. This was before we got in. I tried to take one of the kids in front of it get all in but couldn’t. lighthouse7zoomed in to get a better picture of the top when we by it.

lighthouse6This was once you went inside and looked up. All the steps to get to the top. there are 203. I wasn’t able to go my big boy was a little scared and I had my little bitty with me. It said not to carry kids and i knew there was no way I could carry her up and back down with my back. My big girl and my little guy went up together. They made it all the way.


Their view standing outside at the top. I got them a little certificate from the gift shop that says they made it to the top and back. They liked that.

We got home I stopped at a friends house down the street she reminded me that they were having the relay for life. I ended up not doing it this year I need to find out more about it and have more time to raise money. Just to short notice and to much going on. I wanted to go check it out see what it was like so I knew for next time. She was getting ready to go and we were already in the truck so we just met her down there. We walked around did a few games and things then let the kids play in the park. It was nothing like I expected my friend said less and less people are showing up every year. I think that they have to many in our one little county and that is why they have so few people at each one. I think if they had one for the county or maybe two one for the north end and one for the south end it would be much better. We have enough people for one or two big nice ones with a lot of people or a bunch of ah ones with a handful of people at them. Just my two cents.

We went to leave she went to her car we went to our truck since we were parked about a block from each other. I couldn’t find my keys. I swear I had them with me. I text her and told her my phone was in the red about to die because I didn’t have my phone charger on the way back from our trip. I went back walked around to all the booths we stopped at ask if they had found them looked all over by the table we were at and everything. I finally went out and looked in the truck the street light had come on I was able to see them laying in there. I just wanted to cry I was so hot tired and sore from all the running around. The kids wanted to go home and eat dinner. They were tired, hot, hungry and upset.

I called and called father of the year he didn’t answer. My friend called hoping he would answer if he didn’t know the number. Finally after about 10 minutes he called back. Again his phone was down or it never rang like always. He was about 30 miles a way not at home. He called dispatch to see if he could meet one of the guys and get the thing to open it. They told him they were going to send someone since they were closer. They called around to findout who was closes to me and sent the him out there. He got there and said I thought father of the year was going to be here, I’ve never done this. He messed with it for a few minutes but he finally got it open. I was so glad he was close and didn’t have a call and was able to get it. I didn’t have money to call a lot person or the company even to have them send someone. He called they sent someone they told him to take care of it tomorrow with the manager. They will probably tell him to just give the guy $10 or something for coming out there instead of paying the full fee for a call.

Father of the year said he pay for dinner to just stop and get something on the way home he could hear the kids all upset and tired. They came home ate dinner and went to bed. I think they were all in bed by 10. We got up and went to church this morning and been at home today. I’m to sore and tired to do anything after yesterday. I had been up since about 9 am Friday and didn’t sleep at all until last night.



{April 25, 2015}   Stupid Phone

Wednesday me and father of the year got into it because again when he was supposed to take the kids and I had plans he told them he would work. That’s when I wrote Trying Not to Be A Bitch, But

Well, my friend text me after that and we were talking. We were talking about how he doesn’t come when he is supposed to, don’t pay unless he feels like it, and how he has everyone feeling poor him.

I sent him a text saying when it all goes to court and they order him to pay support then he will have to pay wanting too or not. If he don’t they will suspend his license and he can’t have that because of work. And if he don’t pay and wants to let it get behind even after they order it then I will do it. After that if he don’t they will put him in jail and if that is how it has to be then so be it. Once he is a grand or so behind they will take his taxes every year and send me as well until he gets caught up. He thinks I’m a bitch now he hasn’t seen nothing yet.

It is all very true if he don’t want to pay for his kids then he don’t need a job to have money to blow so if they suspend his license then that is his problem. But he will either rush to pay right before they do it or rush to pay it and get them back so he don’t miss work. Either way if that is what it takes to get him to pay then that isn’t my problem. If he goes to jail he will be rushing to get out of there too and calling whoever he can to get the money and get out. If it goes that far then he will not be able to post a normal bond. Whoever bonds him out will have to pay the clerk of court cash to get him out and that cash is not returned it goes for his support he is behind. But you know if he has a job making money then he should do his part. It isn’t like he don’t have a job and not making ok money. If I made what he made I could live on it with 4 kids. I couldn’t work it very well with him here because he controlled the money and paid what he wanted when he wanted and whatever he wanted on it. So there was no getting things caught up or trying to save any.

Anyway Friday I tried to call him for a couple hours with no answer. I wanted to see if he was going to get the kids and what time he thought he would. I figured he should be about half way done with the truck. So maybe a few more hours. I wanted to know if they were having dinner here or if he was making it as well. He never answered then hours later when I called it was after 2 and he said he was cleaning the stuff to put on the truck. I ask him when he started on it. He didn’t start until about lunch time. He got off at 7 am. He should have been just about done by then. When I said something it oh I slept and I got to go to the store but I got to charge the battery in the van up so I can. Why didn’t he put the battery on to charge before he started on the truck so it would be charged when he needed to go? Because this is father of the year and this is how he thinks. I will put it on when I need it then wait forever for it. I shouldn’t have said anything and there was nothing wrong with the fact that he just started and that it would be later that night before it got done.

Then I asked him to call and pay something since he is supposed to be giving me money anyway shouldn’t be a big deal right? He says yeah I can as long as you can give me the cash back when I see you. I said um your supposed to give me money you got your check right? He says yeah I got it but I don’t know how much it was I haven’t checked yet. But I got to pay rent here and get food and do this and that this week. I said and what about here? We have rent due again before you get a check and we have bills due as well and food to buy. Oh well you just don’t understand I will see if I can give you some or not. Then he calls me back later and says he has just enough to pay rent and have $10 left is all his check was for the two weeks. I don’t believe it. He been working like crazy and first out for days on end. His check last week may have been short because he had a few slow days a couple weeks ago and the way the checks run they cut funny it takes a check or so to catch up. But I don’t believe this one is that low. He says he guess he was going to have to get a pay day loan or something. Again about not knowing what he could give me and stuff. He did pay the one thing I asked him to pay that was like $31 big deal.

Then he started on me about wanting joint custody and he didn’t want to make any kind of support deal and things because he can’t afford to pay me. That if I am just going to be nasty about it and stick it to him any time he can’t pay it. I was like what are you talking about and you can’t have them all the time you work 24/7 when you don’t have them for days at a time. He says that text you sent me you must have been trying to send someone else or thought you sent to someone else. I don’t know how it happen but my stupid phone some how got switched to him and that text went to him not the person I was trying to send it to.

But you know what like I said before it’s all true and like he was talking there the way he was talking like if he can’t just pay it when he feels like then he don’t want to pay. Then he says we haven’t even figured how much you should get or anything. I have told him over and over again we need to figure this out he has yet to come over here and do the paper work and figure it out.

I got off the phone with him and sat down printed out all the paper work and jotted all the figures down worked through the worksheet to see what he should pay. If I did everything right it says he is responsible for like 71% of their care. At that 71% and what he makes it came out to $740 a month for all three kids. He kept saying oh I won’t have to pay you that much and I’m not making that much more than when we did them before. Wrong, he is making twice that or more in some months. I took his w-2 and figured everything out by that. I started to figure it out by what ssi uses to figure what my son gets but it was only for 8 months. It showed more a month than if I did over all by 12 then take out what he pays for taxes and Medicare. I figured it give a better idea what he gets a month not leave him to short a month. But I’m the bitch you know.

I haven’t told him what he is going to have to pay yet. He called back later and still wasn’t near being done with the truck. He took a break he said. A break from I don’t know what it is tore apart and all he has to do is put it back together. He hadn’t got anything put back on hardly. I guess he needed a break from riding to the store and buying the part because it is such a big hard job to do.

I like to know when he is pretty much on call 24/7 6 to 7 days straight how he thinks he is going to get a baby sitter for the kids. He don’t have time to wait for one to get there when he gets the call. Plus I don’t know anyone that is going to get up in the middle of the night and rush over there if he did. He has no where for one to stay there and try to work something out that way. Yeah he is sharing a place with my mom but that isn’t going to work with her either. She isn’t going to be there all the time. Even if she is there and they are a sleep don’t mean she is going to let him leave them why he runs all over the state to work. Hell I couldn’t leave the two little ones in their beds sleeping why I ran less than 5 miles up the road for 10 minutes to drop my son at the bus and come right back. So him going all over all the time isn’t going to work. She says they might get up she might have to give one a bottle and diaper and tell the other to lay back down let him go to the bathroom. With them all sharing a room he will wake them up getting ready to go and the radio or tablet will wake them up when calls come in. Plus writing this I hadn’t even thought of it until now he has not where for them to stay. He don’t have but two bedrooms. He has one she has one. Girls and boys are supposed to have separate rooms and kids over a year are not supposed to share with an adult. If they are going to be with him for joint custody they are going to tell him he is going to have to have proper sleeping/living arrangements for them. There is no way he can there. That and what the therapist already knows he don’t stand a chance. He still don’t know I know the things he has said and done.

I have decided to take the kids out for a fun day a few counties over. I have made lunch and drinks packed everything and printed out all the information. I better get the kids up so they can get ready. We need to be on the road in about and hour.

{April 23, 2015}   Missing Him

Tonight me and the kids were sitting around the living room just hanging out and talking. My big boy started talking about how he remembered when or where he was when he got something or when something happen and things like that. He was talking about his stuffed animals and different toys or what.

Out of the blue he says I remember the day grandpa died. He said we were at his house and you came out upset and you told us to go talk to grandpa and tell him we loved him. I hugged him and told him I loved him. His eyes were all really big and he kind of looked different. I remember you said we wouldn’t get to see him or talk to him any more. All these people came and were going in and out and then some people came and they took him a way. We went to our church that day before we went over there. He talked about how he remembered when grandpa took them to get new bikes and how he got them their pillow pets. He started to cry I already was, I couldn’t help it when he started talking about him. Talking about how he missed him.

He just sat there for a little bit looking and not saying anything. I asked him what was wrong he said grandpa died. I told him I knew I was sorry I was sad too. That it is ok to be sad, it’s ok to miss him and it is ok to talk about him and even cry if he needed too. But I could tell something was bothering him. I asked him what he was thinking about he looked at me with this face I can’t even explain and said he had to die so fast it just happen so fast. It just killed me, all I could say was that I knew how he felt and it seem like we were still trying to get use to the idea he was sick and going to pass and that it all seem like it happen all at once. He just sat there still quiet not staying anything. I told him I was really sad and hurt that grandpa got sick and died. But that I was glad as much as I loved him and want him here with us he wasn’t suffering any more and he didn’t suffer for very long. We talked about how he wasn’t able to do things like get up and use the bathroom, take a shower, and eat the big things. How he felt not being able to do things for or by himself any more and how being sick makes you feel. That we loved him didn’t want him to pass at all that if he had to we are glad it was fast like it was and he didn’t go through that long at all like some people do. Then my little guy came in and was talking to us and talking about missing grandpa and he started telling him that at least he wasn’t suffering any more that he is in heaven not sick or suffering and how he had a new body and was young again.

We talked about how he could write him letters if it would help him to feel better. He asked what he would do with them and if he should put them in the cabinet next to the earn and if that is what some people do. I told him he could or he could put them in a box or something like that or even get a tablet and just use it for when he wanted to write to him and that way he would have all his letters in one place. But that he could put them in the cabinet if he wanted to. He just stood there looking at his earn for a little bit, then he turned around and ask me if I thought I could buy him a journal. I told him yes we would go get one tomorrow. He said ok.

I could tell that everything happening so fast is still bothering him. I tried to get him to talk about it more but he wouldn’t. I don’t think he knows what to say really. I don’t I still have a hard time with it. All I can do is let him talk when he wants to and when he is ready. Be there, listen and try to comfort him.

It’s hard I walk around all the time and feel like I’m the only one who misses him or is having a hard time with it all. No one else has said anything about how fast it happen. Feeling like I really can’t talk about it or him to anyone because it really don’t bother anyone else or they don’t care. I haven’t brought it up to the kids because they are kids I don’t want to upset them. But if they want to talk I am there.

My little guy asked my big boy if he could sleep in his bed tonight it would help him feel better since he was sad too. They are curled up in the bottom bunk sleeping. It’s nice they have each other as well.

R.i.p Daddy we miss you so much and love you. But your happy now up there with grandma. You can introduce use when we meet again. I’ve always wondered about her.

{April 23, 2015}   Trying Not to Be A Bitch, But

You know I filed my divorce and all I asked for was that we not bounce the kids around back and forth every few days and he pay his child support. I could have asked for a lot more. Even the judge when we were in court said he wanted me to get a lawyer and come back because I could be getting a lot more than I was. I just wanted the divorce done and to move on with my life. I knew he wasn’t making a lot and it would be a strain and not leave him money to do anything with the kids when they were with him and things. It’s not what I am trying to do. He complained about the $355 they were making him give me. It didn’t even cover cost of daycare for our youngest in a month much less lights, food, water, gas, wear and tear on a car, doctors, sports, childcare for the older two. But it was to much.

I could have asked that he get life insurance, health insurance, dental and vision, and alimony. I know that health insurance alone would take two of his checks maybe more in a month. I have no clue what alimony would cost him. Life insurance isn’t that much but I figured he would get that on his own anyway. But then again if he dose that goes to whoever he leaves it to. If court says get it it goes to the kids or me to help take care of them if something happens. But i didn’t push it. But at this point in the game I think I am going to go back and ask for alimony and life insurance.

Life insurance because the job he has now isn’t that safest. Heck back when RC was working there they had one of their guys get hit on 95 and thrown why he was out there trying to hook up someone’s car. They drive around the clock 24/7 6 days a week on call most days he leaves at 7 don’t come in until sometime between 10 and 1 then back out at least once between 1 and 7. So they have had little to no sleep for days accident waiting to happen. I have just a basic plan on me and all 4 kids just enough to take care of us if something was to happen to one of us and I pay $13.25 a month. The 25 is in case something happens I become disabled they will take over and pay for it the rest of my life so that I still have it. So to take out enough to have him covered and to take care of the kids for a little bit shouldn’t cost him all that much a month.

I have decided I am going to ask for alimony because he still can’t do what he is supposed to do. Since he left he has not had the kids more than 24 hours in a month. The one day I had the job interview to go to and he told them he would work. I didn’t have a sitter last minute to watch them. Really it was his day to have them he should have been the one to come up with a sitter not me. But again it was left to me. Then last week he was supposed to have them never showed up I missed something else I was supped to do. He is supposed to have them tomorrow he calls an hour or so ago and says he has to work he will be off Friday and Saturday not Thursday and Friday. I’m supposed to go to the college and get my money straight and sign up for classes tomorrow. He don’t say I have to work can you keep them or I can get so and so to watch them if you have something to so. He just calls and says I have to work tomorrow. By that I know he don’t plan to pick them up. What if I was working or in school and taking classes and had class tomorrow? Then here I sit searching for a sitter. He knows I don’t have someone I can just call at the drop of a hat to watch them. He says if I was we would have a sitter they could do it. But like anyone else when they know they have a day off coming up they make plans and take care of things they need to get done because they are working like everyone else. They aren’t going to drop everything on a last minute notice all the time to watch them nor do I expect them too and they are going to want to be paid more so then what because he backs out am I supposed to pay extra? Because I know he will expect me to cover at least half and probably all of it.

I don’t think I am wrong for asking for any of it at this point. He is the one that drug this out till we have been together for over 10 years and he is the one who still don’t seem to care about anyone but his self and expects everyone to work around him and when he gets ready to get them. With his work he don’t even get them a full 48 hours or whatever. He gets off at 7 am picks them up whenever he gets here, then keeps them over night and brings them back sometime the next evening because he has to be back at work by 7 am the next day. Last week he didn’t pick them up until after 8 they didn’t leave here until after 10 and he was ready to bring them home as soon as they had eaten dinner.

Its jut really frustrating and aggravating because he again dose this poor me act and she is being such a bitch. Everyone buys into it. Even my mom but that isn’t surprising because to her I have never done nothing right and still can’t. But she is the one that is on her 3 rd divorce she has left all of them. One for almost the same kind of shit father of the year pulls but I’m wrong. I’m the one trying to get a job go back to school and things why she has sat ther for over a year and done nothing but cry how she has nothing and going to lose everything and refuse to file for SSI or get a lawyer to help her with falling down and getting hurt and things. Although she has talk to a few and doctors who say it is really bad and she has a strong case. Because she don’t know what she is going to do until she gets approved. Well its been a year and she hasn’t done anything and gotten by by now she would have her approval or whatever and not be in this boat still. And waiting to do the other thing because she can’t use the lawyer she wants because she can’t get to their office over in the other county. If that was me I would have applied while I was waiting on everything else and found another lawyer for the rest to at least have something started. If the case is as good as they say it shouldn’t take  to much to win it. Its cut a dry you have medical records from before that show nothing is wrong you have them from now that show a lot is wrong.

Then she talks about how she don’t know how I am going to get a job with the kids and do what I need to do and all this. But she is sitting right there 24/7 not leaving the house or doing anything and do you think she has offered to babysit. Nope. Well she did but she wants us to move in together she help watch the kids and blah blah. When I say no nothing is ever said. Now she says she will watch them if we pay her. I have no problem paying her. I just find it funny how me and my brother basically lived with my grandparents for a year or two that she never paid them anything so that she could work. Even when she had days off we hardly ever seen her. My dad had us every day that he had off and would come after work and spend hours with us most nights of the week. But then she talks about me not having a job and how she don’t know how I am going to make it with out farther of the year here and how I should just keep him here and I’m wrong for asking for anything from him. Just don’t make since to me. Everyone I know helps their kids out and helps them watch their kids or takes them on the weekend here and there to just give them a break. Not her she isn’t going to do anything and even if she says she will you better not count on it to much or make other plans because the odds are it won’t happen. It just don’t get her way of thinking when she had all the help in the world and thinks I shouldn’t even ask for anything and that she shouldn’t have to help. Just like her saying she will watch the kids I know that won’t last I need to get a job and find a place to put them or someone to watch them asap so that I don’t have to worry about it. But with no job and money I can’t tell someone what hours I need them days or how much I can pay when I have no clue what I am even going to make.

I better get off here we need to eat and get to church we have a guest speaker tonight. I’m just so frustrated with all this and the way he dose and how he is basically nothing to her and she treats him like she dose and I’m nothing.

et cetera
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