{April 23, 2015}   Missing Him

Tonight me and the kids were sitting around the living room just hanging out and talking. My big boy started talking about how he remembered when or where he was when he got something or when something happen and things like that. He was talking about his stuffed animals and different toys or what.

Out of the blue he says I remember the day grandpa died. He said we were at his house and you came out upset and you told us to go talk to grandpa and tell him we loved him. I hugged him and told him I loved him. His eyes were all really big and he kind of looked different. I remember you said we wouldn’t get to see him or talk to him any more. All these people came and were going in and out and then some people came and they took him a way. We went to our church that day before we went over there. He talked about how he remembered when grandpa took them to get new bikes and how he got them their pillow pets. He started to cry I already was, I couldn’t help it when he started talking about him. Talking about how he missed him.

He just sat there for a little bit looking and not saying anything. I asked him what was wrong he said grandpa died. I told him I knew I was sorry I was sad too. That it is ok to be sad, it’s ok to miss him and it is ok to talk about him and even cry if he needed too. But I could tell something was bothering him. I asked him what he was thinking about he looked at me with this face I can’t even explain and said he had to die so fast it just happen so fast. It just killed me, all I could say was that I knew how he felt and it seem like we were still trying to get use to the idea he was sick and going to pass and that it all seem like it happen all at once. He just sat there still quiet not staying anything. I told him I was really sad and hurt that grandpa got sick and died. But that I was glad as much as I loved him and want him here with us he wasn’t suffering any more and he didn’t suffer for very long. We talked about how he wasn’t able to do things like get up and use the bathroom, take a shower, and eat the big things. How he felt not being able to do things for or by himself any more and how being sick makes you feel. That we loved him didn’t want him to pass at all that if he had to we are glad it was fast like it was and he didn’t go through that long at all like some people do. Then my little guy came in and was talking to us and talking about missing grandpa and he started telling him that at least he wasn’t suffering any more that he is in heaven not sick or suffering and how he had a new body and was young again.

We talked about how he could write him letters if it would help him to feel better. He asked what he would do with them and if he should put them in the cabinet next to the earn and if that is what some people do. I told him he could or he could put them in a box or something like that or even get a tablet and just use it for when he wanted to write to him and that way he would have all his letters in one place. But that he could put them in the cabinet if he wanted to. He just stood there looking at his earn for a little bit, then he turned around and ask me if I thought I could buy him a journal. I told him yes we would go get one tomorrow. He said ok.

I could tell that everything happening so fast is still bothering him. I tried to get him to talk about it more but he wouldn’t. I don’t think he knows what to say really. I don’t I still have a hard time with it. All I can do is let him talk when he wants to and when he is ready. Be there, listen and try to comfort him.

It’s hard I walk around all the time and feel like I’m the only one who misses him or is having a hard time with it all. No one else has said anything about how fast it happen. Feeling like I really can’t talk about it or him to anyone because it really don’t bother anyone else or they don’t care. I haven’t brought it up to the kids because they are kids I don’t want to upset them. But if they want to talk I am there.

My little guy asked my big boy if he could sleep in his bed tonight it would help him feel better since he was sad too. They are curled up in the bottom bunk sleeping. It’s nice they have each other as well.

R.i.p Daddy we miss you so much and love you. But your happy now up there with grandma. You can introduce use when we meet again. I’ve always wondered about her.

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