{April 28, 2015}   Scared and Confused

I don’t really know what I want to say here. All I am thinking and feeling has all been said before in other post, such as What I Seem To Be Attracted To, Strange Attraction, Lonely And Missing Things, and Lonely.

Nothing has really changed other than we are all a little older, where we live and the fact that father of the year is out of the house finally. I still am not seeing anyone or talking to anyone. I know it is a good thing I need to get the divorce straight and taken care of and all that. With all that has been going on the last 6 months or so I have just been feeling so empty and a lone. I think about just getting out and meeting people and I feel I really shouldn’t. Then I wonder why not? Why shouldn’t I go out and meet people and have a life? Why should I sit here why life moves on and let it leave me behind? I’m still the same me rather I go out and meet new people and have a life or I just sit here and do nothing but take care of the kids and find a job and work. It’s not like I can’t do both millions of people do it everyday right.

Then thoughts of the not so distant but seems like forever ago past comes creeping in. To be honest it scares the hell out of me. The thought of meeting someone and falling for them and things not ending up so well. Being hurt again. I know I can’t let the what if’s rule my life.

I tell myself I am going to do things different this time and take things slow. Not really get into a relationship but date and see people not just get locked into one guy. But I tell myself that all the time and then look where I end up. I wasn’t looking for anyone and didn’t really want a relationship when I met father of the year but we started hanging out and one thing lead to another and now look. When I met RC I just wanted someone to hang out with talk to get to know. Not really a relationship or seeing just each other and before I knew it we were “together”.

Lets face it the options out there haven’t gotten any better. I had a guy try talking to me about a month ago when me and my friend went to lunch. I may have written about it not sure. He was I know at least 50 something and probably closer to 60. Even if I was to date older I don’t want them that old.

I think I just really need some places to go out have a nice time and meet people. There really isn’t anywhere around here. There are a ton of bars but that really isn’t may thing. Other than that where do you go?

I still just don’t know what I have done in life to end up like this.

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