Edited to fix the coloring so that it could be seen and read easily. I am not sure what happen or how to fix it but when I was typing it last night it wouln’t show up up at all. I change the color and it did but then noticed today that you couldn’t really read the post that well. This is the only color I can get to show up decent when I post. 

Father of the year came over tonight so we could work on filling these papers out and getting them turned in. He is dead set on wanting join custody. He just acts like it is no big deal. I brought up the fact of no sitter. His answer is he is going to get another job and he will have to find one. How mom said she could watch them if he paid extra on the rent or something. I said what about a place for them to stay. He said well the boys or the kids could stay in his room he have to sleep on the couch. I said no if they are going to be living with you then you need to have a room for girl and one for the boys and you a room. No that don’t matter and all this he started saying. I said yes it dose they aren’t going to be coming over there sleeping on the floor or on mattress on the floor. He said well you had 5 kids in that apartment you were in. It was only tempareally and it was because he didn’t take them for the summer like he was supposed to. If he had taken them and hadn’t told me until after I had already moved he wasn’t they wouldn’t have been there and they all had their own beds and their own dressers. Like I told him he don’t take them when he is supposed to now and or then. When we worked it he could have them for one full week he pitched a bitch because he had a date one night that week and wasn’t going to be home and he might get some as he put it. he finally took them and then left them home for the night and went and spend the night with this girl that he just met on line. 

Like we have talked about before jerking them back and forth every few days or week isn’t right to them. How would he feel to feel like your never home? About the time you are getting settled in you have to go spend 3 days or a week somewhere else and in the middle of that go back and spend a day or so back at the other place. I know my big boy is not going to like it and will have a hard time with it. We will start seeing bigger problems from him than I am already having because of the way father of the year has done. He is always on him and nasty to him. my little guy will like getting to see his dad but he is going to get tired of going back and forth really fast and he will start acting out as well. Like I told him he seen how it was living there before and that she can’t handle them and how loud they are and things all the time it isn’t going to work. He says he is going to have to go get a house. I don’t know how he thinks he is going to go get a house when he can’t afford to pay where he is now and has no money left so he says now. He is supposed to have them Friday and all I have heard is he don’t know how he is going to get food and things for them when they are there. But he can get a house that is going to cost him way more and all this. 

Plus both the boys have therapy once a week right now once we pick up speech and find another ot to work with my big boy it will be more like 3 or 4 times a week. He says he will just have to take off and take them. I know he isn’t going to. He knows why he sits there and says it he isn’t going too. It is going to make things harder to find a baby sitter because when I say oh well on this week you will have one but then these days next week you will have 4 and then only one and then other days the following week 4 again and it will always change days and weeks no one is going to want to do that. I wouldn’t when you are going to be getting paid for one kid sometimes and 4 others. Never knowing when your days are going to be off. At least if they are here and go there on weekends then it will be pretty set. If he starts taking them over there like that my mom isn’t going to watch them for me because she is going to want a break from them being there all the time. If she watches them for him and me then she will pretty much have them all the time 7 days a week just about. She is going to do that. I already know she is going to watch them for long if she dose once I start working but once I am working and have money coming in and know for the most part what my hours are going to be then I can find someone. 

I’m just so upset and mad the way he is doing. He says so I’m just supposed to pay you and see them when you say and if you don’t want me to have them then that’s just that. Like I told him no that isn’t how it is at all that wasn’t how it was before. 

Like I told him before he could have them any time he wanted too and I couldn’t force him to even take them when he was supposed to just like the summer and the one week out of the summer he was supposed to have them he couldn’t stay with them he had to skip out leave them home. Then in the next breath he has I took them before when you would call and ask if I could take them or take the baby talking about my little guy at the time so you could do stuff with the older kids. He did once or twice and took the baby because I had to go to the hospital once why the kids were in school. That was a few hours not like he took them for the day or weeks like he trying to make it out to be. 

I just want to tell him to take his fucking money and keep it and leave the kids alone take them on the weekends or whatever but not joint custody. Then I think wonder what he would say if I said ok fine you want them then you take them all the time I’ll give you custody. I’ll take them every other weekend part of the summer and a few hours once a week. See what he would say then. But my luck he wouldn’t care he would do it. I feel like telling him fine you want to do this to get out of child support I am going after alimony since you have kept me from working all this time. So you want to play games then we will play games. This will keep me from being able to move out of state like he knows that not only I want to do but the kids as well. I said something about that he said well again what am I supposed to just pay and not see them. I said no plenty of other people do it all the time you make arrangement to be able to see them. He of course had a call he got one earlier when we were trying to talk about it. He just said he would come back tomorrow evening to talk about it more. He says have you asked the kids what do they want and how do they want to do it. But they don’t know what it is really going to be like going back and forth all the time and having to go. Once it goes to court there isn’t much I can do with out going back to court and at that point I don’t know how I will because of cost and things because it will be a fight. I just feel like everything is against me and no matter how much I try to get ahead and change things something always happens to mess it up or knock me down. I love my kids I don’t want them to be shuffled around like this. I think it is really sad and wrong that the courts see nothing wrong with doing this to kids. I said what about school? He said well I thought you were going to keep home schooling them. I said yeah and if they are being shuffled around back and forth all the time how is that going to work? Well I guess we are both going to have to do it. That is going to be a desaster and a half he isn’t going to do it or half do it say he don’t know how or make up some excuse. It will be dumped on me to do and take care of the few days they are here. If we have to do the joint they are going to probably have to go back to school. It is just going to be to much chaose and confusion with me trying to work with them and show them and him working with them, dragging everything back and forth. Books will be getting tore up and lost to drag projects and things back and forth. 

I think I need to sit down and really think about this and decide how much and what I am willing to keep taking on if he is going to force this issue and make everyone do things his way. Because I can’t keep fighting and doing this and being stressed out. And I am not going to take on all this extra stuff and keep trying to do it if this is how he wants it. I know what he is thinking is that we will just keep doing things the way we are until he gets another job and finds a house or whatever. If he is going to push the issue then I am going to tell him fine you want to really do it this way then we are. I have had them the last month you have been gone you had them one night out of that month. I think it is your turn to have them starting now. So you need to figure out how to get them home go shopping and get food in the house and find a baby sitter right a way. Don’t forget he has therapy at 3 today and the other had it at 10 am tomorrow. Hope you don’t get a call in the time it takes you to drop your tow truck off get back pick them up go shopping get them home and find a baby sitter. Hope you figure it all out by the time you go to work in the morning. Because when you leave them at the house with her and it isn’t working for her and she calls me I’m going to tell her oh sorry it is your weeks to have them and she is going to have to figure out how to get a hold of you since your phone is off. Guess she is going to have to call your job hope you don’t get in trouble for having phone calls and having to drop everything and run home to take care of the kids. Because after over and over again saying he was going to do one thing and yet again doing something else why should I just keep going along and be done this way until it is convinate for him then be done this way?

I haven’t done a lot because of the kids and not wanting to put them in the middle of things and not wanting them to be hurt or everything a mess for them. But if he is going to force it then I guess I am going to have to just not worry about it and do what I got to do. I was just so upset I couldn’t help it all I just started to cry I am trying to do what is right and best for them and he is just doing it because of money and because he don’t feel he should have to pay. He has said to me for years I can’t pay you and have a place of my own. Or I shouldn’t have to pay you all the while telling me he don’t wan them all the time and he can’t handle it all the time he don’t know how I do. I just wish something would happen so me and the kids wouldn’t have to worry about this and go through it. 

I am going to go to legal aid and child support and see what they tell me. I know if I go and file and they are staying with me right now they will give it to me and tell him to take it to court for custody and visitation. I also know that without anything saying who has what from the court who ever has them can keep them. So if I let them go for the night or something then he don’t have to give them back to me. But I kind of have the upper hand there because when he goes to work I can go pick them up. Who ever has them has to give them to me and he has to tell me who is watching them because they are my kids and I have a right to know. I should just go to child support and let them go after him and then just forget about going to court unless he takes me. Let all this blow over for a while and go to legal aid in the mean time and see what they say I need to do to take care of it all once and for all. Or wait until I go to work and put some money up to get a lawyer. I know just for child support it is like $2500 retainer and then so much an hour once that runs out. But if I go to child support and just let it ride for a while unless he dose something I could get the money once I go to work probably pretty fast. I have to go to get things started with my little ones dad I may as well do it with him to because even if we file right now with the court it will be months before they get us in and he won’t pay until they do. Me and them don’t live for free like he seems to think. 

Then he has the nerve to say whats wrong why are you crying whats bothering you. I couldn’t even look at him. I just wanted to tell him what a sorry mother fucker he was and what a son of a bitch he was. How fucking dirty he was to do this to the kids because he don’t want to pay. He makes anywhere from $1900 to $2500 a month and sometimes closer to $3000 a month. He have to give me just at $700 a month if everything was right when I did the paperwork. I got to get off here try to get some sleep I have places to go and phone calls to make tomorrow. I am going to go to child support Friday when he picks the kids up. He is supposed to get her and pick them up right after he gets off work at 7. If I go right down there then maybe I can get everything I need to do there done in one day so they will then get things going on his end. But I have been told it can take them 6 months or more. I just hope if I turn everything in at one time it won’t take so long. If they say it is I don’t know what I will do then. I can’t think of the what if’s right now. I just have to do one thing at a time and figure this out. 

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