{May 22, 2015}   Comp 1 Nightmare

I sat down and really got started on my assignments tonight and boy is it a nightmare trying to figure out what we are supposed to do. We go into canvuse where the syllabus, calender, and work is listed. I go under modules to find what we are to work on, Listed is week 1 reading assignment, week 1 Narration assignment, Then it says Narration reading assignment when you click on it goes to a page that says read this, this and this. Then the next page is the story it wants you to read in case you don’t have the book. After that it goes to a page with a link to click that says storytelling presentation, when I click on the link it has you fill in things that happen in your life then tells you a story has you write about one of the things and then give more information and has you write little more about your story. Then you can print it or email it to yourself. From there it goes to Narrative paper assignment, that takes you to a page that has a link and when you click on the link it says……

Narrative Essay Assignment
Write a narrative about the topic of your choice. Use the check-list on page 100 in The Brief Bedford Reader to proofread and revise before turning it in. Your paper is to be at least 500 words and in MLA format. Please see the YouTube video in the Lessons tab on how to set up a paper in MLA format. You will not need a Works Cited page unless you do any outside research – which is not required until we get into the formal research paper. Your Narration is as informal a formal paper as you can get, so yes, 1st person is acceptable. However, as we move into your research paper later in the term, it will not be.

Then there is the drop box. The only thing I am showing that has to be turned in for a grade is the above essay so I am guessing the rest is just whatever to do and practice our stuff. I don’t understand why she says to read x story because that is part of the chapter. So if you are reading the chapter like she says you will have read it. She don’t say look at this or that or do this or that because you have read it nothing, just read it. No explanation for the storyteller site but it is up before the part about the assignment telling you to write about whatever topic you want to.

I’m just doing what it says needs to be turned in for each day and not worrying about the rest. Over all between the discussion boards term and other papers I have to write it will be 7300 words by the end of the class. That seems imposable in ways and like I may not get everything in with that many. Right now it is 5:30 am the kids will be up in in 4 to 5 hours, I need to stop worrying about this and try to get a few hours of sleep. I have to go to the book store to get that other book today and they are only open 9 to 1. By the time we get up get dressed and eat I am going to be rushing over to get it and if I don’t get to sleep I am not going to be over to get it at all. Then I will be in a lot of trouble because I have papers due in that class on Sunday. That class has a ton of little assignments instead of big papers like this one. NOt sure what is worse, I think I like all the little ones because if you do bad on one you have all the others to pull your grade back up. Where with this calls and all the writing one bad paper can mean a not so hot grade over all.

{May 21, 2015}   Campus Book-Store

I was finally able to go to the college book store and pick up my books for class today. I had all 4 kids with me but wasn’t worried, figured it would be pretty empty the time we went and we would be in and out.

I took the page of the syllabus with me to show what three books I needed so there were no mistakes. The lady came over went got all three books and said to get in line to pay for them. I checked to make sure the one had some code I needed and all that. We finally get up to the counter to pay, He scans the two books for my comp 1 class no problem. Then he scans my book for Personal Finances and it wouldn’t scan. He goes back looks at something the women looks something up on the computer he finally just puts it in. Then he put in my book voucher and says that I owe $162. I just looked at him stunned for a minute.

I said how much was the finance book?

He said oh it was $316.

I don’t know the look on my face must have said it all, because he said I can give you these two and you can go back to aid and tell them you need more money to cover books. Then he told me to go on line to their store look up the books I need and print something showing how much they all are or they wouldn’t help me.

Here I am at the campus that is 2 minutes from my house because I figured I’m just getting my books they should be able to at least do that for me. Now I have to go deal with aid and from dealing with aid and other offices on this campus more than a few times before I know it is a long wait and the people are not very friendly nor helpful. Bounce I still have all 4 kids to take with me. They are going to be even less friendly or helpful at the site of that I figure.

I went home to look up the books on their site and print them up. I called on the way home and the lady informed me I had to do it today because Tuesday was the last day to use our book vouchers and it takes them 24 hours to get the money moved around so I probably wouldn’t get it if I waited. I called my friend to see if she could watch the kids for a hour why I ran up there and took care of it. I text her and sent her a message on facebook since she was showing on line. I got no response. Really not surprised to be honest. Anyway I decided to just drive the 2 minutes across the street and try my luck at the campus right here by me and to take all 4 kids with me.

I was happy to find there was no one there to do anything but one other guy who walked in with us and he was going to a different office on that floor. I signed in and was taken back in about 5 minutes or less. I told the guy my problem and showed him the paper where I printed off showing what the book I needed cost and how much one I just bought was. I couldn’t find the second one I bought so I just took the paperwork showing I had just bought it and how much it was in. He said oh ok there it’s done I moved $300 something over to your voucher you can go get it tomorrow. I about fell over because I have never had anything done that quick and easy on this campus. He said he moved to much over he didn’t notice I had $173 still left on it there was $10 extra or something. Then he said he fixed it. I don’t know I just hope it is all right and I can get my book. He said there still should be $490 on my voucher. If so that will be good then I can pick up a few things I need why I am there so that I don’t have to take money out of my pocket to get them right now. I don’t really need much I don’t think some highlighters and folders or binders maybe that’s about it.

I really hope I am able to get them I have papers due Sunday, Monday and I think Tuesday. Plus my discussion boards Wednesday. I just can’t believe one book cost so much. My classes cost $804 then I need $500 worth of books to take the class. That is outrages, They are making some money that is for sure. I didn’t have a choice really this time around since I started out a day behind since I couldn’t sign up until the first day of classes. I have been asking around and going to start looking a head of time to try and get them as cheap as possible in the future. Man figure 8 years at 8 classes a year that is 64 books I am going to need. That is if I only need one book per a class. Like today I needed two for one class. By the time I am done I will have as much spent on books or more than what it cost to take the classes. Just seems like something is very wrong with that.

{May 20, 2015}   It’s Official

As of Monday May 18, 2015 I am a college student. Funny because I graduated high school May 17, 16 years ago.

Even though the classes are shorter than normal terms, full time is still considered 12 credit hours. I decided that I couldn’t take on 4 classes right now. Between not being in school in 16 years, not ever taken college classes on line classes and everything else I have going on, I decided to just take two classes. I took Comp 1 and Personal Finances.

I did as I expected I would on the test. I scored 120 on the reading, 112 on writing and a 94 on math. I guessed at a lot of the math. The only thing I have to take any remedial classes in is math. I think there are 3. But then the adviser told me about a math boot camp class thing they do that is free, It’s 4 or 6 weeks long I really don’t remember. But she said I needed a 96 and I wouldn’t have to take one or two of the remedial classes. She said she wants me to take the boot camp then retest to so I can try to get the 96 since I am so close. Then I will take the one and move on to the class they require and the class I need.

Since I did good on the other two parts I was able to take any classes I wanted other than math. I decided on comp 1 since it will show me how they expect to all our papers and things to be written. I wanted to take socilogy or something like that, but she said it was a lot of writing. She felt I should wait and do it after comp 1 at least.

She was talking about science but I really didn’t want to take a science class right now. I just not in that kind of mood. Then she said there was other stuff not to do with my degree I could take as a elective. She said it wouldn’t hurt since I didn’t have much I had to have right now. She said they had the personal Finance, it wasn’t something I would pick because I figured they say it was math. I asked her she said no. I decided it be a good one to take probably not as much writing as there will be working with numbers. I like to work with numbers.

I really had no idea what to take I knew there were classes I wanted to take but they weren’t part of my degree I wanted to get the classes that were out of the way first. But wasn’t thinking about the comp and things and wanting to get use to getting back into school. I thought of it when I got home. I wanted to take a language. I want to take ASL. I have a feeling it is one I would have to be in class for and right now i can’t go to a class just on line it probably be more of a hassle then it’s worth to do it that way. If I decide to pick up an extra class or two in the fall after these two then I will pick it up for sure.

Once I got to the office to pick my classes and get my financial aid they told me that my aid letter said there was still unresolved loans. I had to get the number go out and call them to see what was going on. I called one number it said I still owed $99 between two loans. But wouldn’t give me more information. I had to call another number. I called it the guy said the paper they sent the school said it was paid in full and everything was fine. I told him they were saying it didn’t and that I needed them to fax it again. He tells me it could be 10 minutes to 48 hours before it got to them. Here I am the first day of classes just getting signed up and have things due by today. I went back inside and I don’t know if they found another letter they sent or if they pushed the one I called about through but they had it. I was able to go into classes. Then she couldn’t put in for my books until Tuesday she said. Then she called me Tuesday and said that they hadn’t processed my stuff it would have to go in after that. I was going to go get my books today and called to see if it was in place. She said let me look, comes back and says ok I just put it in for $300 you can get your books TOMORROW!!! So I still have no books. If I can’t get them tomorrow I am going to be in trouble because I have papers due Sunday and Monday.

I got lucky when I was finally able to log into classes Tuesday the first assignment was to introduce yourself on the discussion board and then to reply to of the other people who posted. Then the other class wanted you to list your name why you were taking the class on line, what your major is and something unique about yourself then reply to one other poster. I am so glad that is all that it was and not more since I wasn’t even able to sit down and get into the class until late last night. It was like 1 and 2 in the morning before I was done posting.

My comp class has the first few things listed so that we can do our papers but I have a really hard time reading it and it takes me forever reading it all on line. Plus I like to highlight and things that I feel is important or that I am going to need to remember as I go along. Personal finances said we have to have the book and logged into another class are with a code we get from the book by the first of June or they will drop us from the class. I have all 4 kids tomorrow but I have the list of the books I need i hope I can pop in and out fast.


{May 16, 2015}   If Begging Don’t Work

I was sitting on the bed getting everyone ready to go so I could pick my check up. This song came on.

My 4 yr old little guy is there I am helping him get ready. This is the conversation that took place. I found it comical and cute.

Me to little guy– What if your wife don’t know how to cook? What are you going to do?

little guy– Maybe she just needs the ingredients, I will give her the ingredients.

Me–what if she don’t know what to do with them?

little guy– I do you put them in the pan and mix them all together. I will show her.

Me–What is she just won’t cook or don’t want to cook?

little guy–Oh that’s easy I will just beg her

Me—lmbo what if she still won’t cook?

little guy–I will beg her then just do it myself.

{May 16, 2015}   Just Want A Normal Life

I just want to feel like I have a half way normal life. Not like everything is a mess and something else is about to fall apart any minute. Really right now everything is a mess and one thing after another keeps happening. I have been feeling a lot better since everything happen January and February. I feel I am able to move on a function again. But for the last few weeks I feel like I spend most days fighting back tears. Before I even realise it I’m in tears or about in tears. It just seems to happen randomly whatever I’m doing where ever I’m at. I noticed when I was working last weekend I was having trouble too. I had to go to a bunch of condo’s out on the beach to deliver flowers and they all had these little tiny elevators, it was all I could do to force myself to get in them and go up and then to come back down. I don’t like the little ones but will get one them. I really had to force myself to to get on them.

I was talking to my mom about it we were laughing and things. She hates them she will take the stares before she will get on one. I was almost in tears just talking to her about it. Thinking about having to go back the next day and deliver more.

I been thinking about it the last few days and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before or know what was wrong but I am starting to have panic and anxiety attacks again. When everything is going on there are some things that I don’t like or care for that I just do and don’t bother me to much, but when I have them some of the same things set me off. Like the day after my dad passed we had to take my son to get his cast off and we got inside had to get on the elevator I couldn’t get on. I had to wait for father of the year to come inside and go up with us. I had a problem on one when we were going down to surgery they got us in and hit the button and after a few minutes we weren’t moving. It got to me. I think it bothers me more then because I don’t like being locked in and closed in but then when my like this it just feeds it.

I don’t know why I have started having them lately. It’s been a really long time since I had them. I use to have them all day everyday and just cry and cry. I think because I can’t find a job, trying to get everything straight and get in school. Then father of the year being such a ass fighting me on the divorce and pushing trying to take the kids and not helping take care of them. I got the rent covered and some paid on the bills but it is all going to run out in a few weeks and then I have no clue what to do from there. My mom wants me to move in with them I can’t do that. I can’t live with father of the year again for any reason. Not just because of me but because of my kids as well. My little guy keeps asking when daddy is coming home it would just confuse him more than to move again, it isn’t right to any of them. He shouldn’t be going through this now. If everything hadn’t happen the way it did it wouldn’t be odd that he isn’t here.

I just feel everything is out of control and I can’t get any of it under control. The house got messy through December when we were trying to get things done for the holidays. Mostly there at the end the last few weeks, days. Then we went right into New Years and found all this out about my dad New years day. To say the least from that point on the house was the least of my worries. So it slowly went from being messy or stuff being out of places disorganised to full blown wreck everything is out of place and turned upside down. Least for the most part it is clean. Other than the floors really need to be mopped right now. I have been avoiding it because even as soon as your done mopping them they don’t look clean I hate mopping. It’s all tile from one end of the house to the other, I think tile is one of the worse things you can put in a house. Other than the floors everything just needs gone through and gotten rid of and moved to it’s right place since we have moved stuff all around as well.

But I feel like I can’t even get a grip on the house much less everything else. I feel like I can’t get past the cooking, mopping, washing clothes, bathrooms, and over all picking up everyday stuff to tackle the rest of the stuff that needs to be done. We got the outside picked up for the most part there are still little things out there to be done but not much. I just wish I could have a few days without the kids and other things to do and someone to help me just once and for all go through this and get it done.

Even the kids I feel I have lost control of them and can’t get it back. They have chores we set up a while back they are supposed to do. Some every daily some weekly. They just refuse to do them. No mater what I say, do, take away, give, don’t give they just act as if I didn’t say anything and do nothing. Then they complain to father of the year they have to do chores they have to clean the house and do it all. Their chores consist of……

Washing drying folding and putting away their own clothes once a week or as needed, washing their sheets and blankets once a week, one dose the dishes each day through out the day the other vacuums they house once a day, they have to help pick up the stuff around the house that gets laid around, pick up dry up the bathroom when they get out of shower, keep their rooms picked up, feed the dogs take them out, do their school work.

Most of this is pretty simple common since pick up keep up after yourself. The other is your part of a family it’s a lot to keep up with a house and no one person should have to do it on their own so everyone chips in and helps. They agreed to the chores and helped decide who did what with some of them because they didn’t want to take turns doing them.

Now when I tell them to do them they just walk off, whine complain or ignore me. Like they shouldn’t have to do anything. I get so mad but whatever I try to get them to do them don’t work they could careless. I almost feel like I am still living with father of the year because they are starting to act just like him. Of course they have learned from the best what else should I expect. I get to the point that if they don’t care and want to live in a mess then why should I care and pick it all up and do it all after them? But I can’t stand the mess and it just makes me mad. I end up just going to my room.

I just don’t know how to get any of it back under control. Between that and the stress of everything else it is no wonder I would start having them again.


{May 15, 2015}   No Test Yet

Again I try to write and see nothing on the screen I don’t know why it dose this when I try to do a post. The only way to get it to show up is to change it to a different color. I tried to close the post and open a new one a few times and it still dose the same thing. 

Anyway I didn’t go take my test yesterday my babysitter didn’t show up. She was busy at the school taking care of things. I had no one else to ask. This is how it is if I go to work, school the doctors or anything. I never know until time to go if I really have someone to watch the kids or not. 

Now I am set to take it Monday I’m supposed to be able to take it then and sign up for classes. I don’t know because with my phone being off I haven’t been able to call and talk to anyone since I missed it yesterday. I am hoping the kids aren’t going with father of the year until tomorrow that they will stay there Sunday night instead of coming home. Then I can just get up and go not have to worry about getting them up and dropping them off. If they don’t stay there I’m back at not knowing until right before if I have a sitter or not. It’s just a huge mess. Then everyone says well why don’t you do this or that. It’s hard when you really don’t have any help. People don’t believe me when I say I have no help it’s just me and them pretty much. 

I have decided as much as I really don’t want to do it and get back into the loan game again I am going to take out a loan to help pay my rent up. If I don’t I am going to be in a bigger mess. This will give me time to do my classes get things with father of the year and RC taken care of and hopefully find a job I can work from home at. If not one I can work from home then one that I can work around school and things. I won’t have to worry about missing if I have all my stuff with them two straight I will only have to take my test. Hopefully I can do them on my days off. 

I just have to decide if I want to go do it myself or go to the child support enforcement office. I think I can get it done faster if I go to the court myself so it maybe a option for father of the year. But with RC if am not able to find him then I may need to go with them and see if they can find where he is through his other son. And I know he is probably going to ask for a dna test, they will do it. I’m not to worried about the dna test I think he has to pay for it if he really wants it so even if I go through the court I shouldn’t have to cover it. I can’t pay for a dna test right now. It is going to be all I can do to pay for court cost if I have to pay them for the two cases.

need to do some research again and see if I can find any information out about RC. I can’t believe with all the stuff on line and everything else I can’t find where he is without paying for a report to tell me or getting a PI to find him. But 12 years ago I sat down found a address and phone number for someone I didn’t know and all her families names, but I can’t find him as much as I know about him and the ones he is with and everything. so crazy. 

{May 14, 2015}   A Dead Marriage

I’m sitting here studying for my test out of nowhere I get a text wanting to know how the kids are. I said fine and went on studying. Then I get a text asking if I’m ok? Before I can answer that I get another that says U been seeing someone? I said yeah because I have had time for that. Then I said why have you? he replied No I haven’t then Nor have I had time. I just kept on studying and didn’t reply. I have nothing to say to him. Figure he is talking to someone and feeling guilty so now he has to try and turn it around before it gets out. 

Then I get more text

Just been thinking about you a lot.

Wish I could turn back time.

Feel a lot of jealousy still.

I just said I don’t know why your thinking about me.

I get, I read articles all the time about not giving up on dead marriage.

I said I don’t know why look at all the things you say to me and call me everything else. You need to read about moving on.

I don’t want to give up if I do then I didn’t put all my efforts forward at least try.

I told him the helicopter was flying over the house. It flew over and circled around and around right on top of my house for about 20 minutes. Don’t know who they were looking for.

Then I said to him, even now the things you say and call me.

All he said back was gee better make sure the doors are locked. Hasn’t said anything since. You would think he want to know if everything was all right, if they left or anyone out there anything going on. Nope not him. Didn’t get the response he wanted about the other text so he just don’t care stop talking and ignore again.

Has he forgotten already from just a few days ago that I am the bitch, the whore the nasty cunt that sleeps with everyone and screws everyone’s old man. The one who was never “faithful” to him? How do you forget such things about someone so fast? That is unless they aren’t true. You were just saying them to make someone look bad and yourself look good. Poor father of the year as they all think. Trying to do the right thing be a husband but this is how she dose him.

What is there to be jealousy of? Not like I’m seeing anyone or even talking to anyone. Would I like to meet someone sure I would. Am I trying to meet anyone? Not at all, if it happens it happens but I’m not out there looking. I just want to get through this school mess. Get signed up for my classes and get settled. That is what jumps up and says must be done right this minute this week is it do it or forget it. I don’t want to for get it this time.

Really he has had how long to fix things or even work on fixing things? Years and all he has done is figure every which way to keep me stuck and trapped in the same house with him. Not to try and change things and do things different in hopes it would change my mind and get me to want to stay. Not that it would but it would make more since then to keep treating someone like crap and wonder why they want as far away from you as they can get. But hey who knows we are talking about Father of the year here.

Just found it amusing I haven’t heard from him all day really have hardly talk to him in days then he sends all these text.

{May 14, 2015}   The Test

In 13 1/2 hours I will be sitting in front of a computer taking a test. I have not been in school since May of 1999. Other than when I took my massage therapy class and that was way different than this. I can not believe that May 17 will be 16 years since I graduated high school.

I look back and wonder where the time went and feel I have wasted half my life or more. I’m going to be almost 42 when I finish collage. Then I still have a 3 year intern-ship to do. I will be 45 before I can even think about working in the field I want to go into. What teen or teen mom is going to want to listen to some 45 year old social worker tell them what they need or how to do things?

I feel like I have failed my kids and that I should have done better before I ever had them. I try to figure out why I didn’t do things different and why I things aren’t better for them.

I look back I wanted to do so much when I finished school. But all I was ever given was a hard time told how I couldn’t do it wouldn’t do it, picked on and made fun off all the time. I was never really encouraged to go to school beyond high school. Like I said I was told I never finish that, why would there be talk of collage? My mom wasn’t one of them mom’s who wanted to know your plans after high school. She wasn’t one to sit down and look schools and programs up with you and try to help you pick the best one  and how to pay for it and things like that. It was one of them things that was just never brought up or talked about. If it was it was never nothing more than go over to the local school see what they had to offer. Then it was why would you take that.

I wanted to go to the college and take some classes but I knew how things were at home and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do that and be living in my moms house. I didn’t make enough to live on my own. I wasn’t allowed to have a car or license. If things weren’t done just so even when I was grown it was fucking hell and miserable. So I just worked and worked some more until I was finally able to get a way out I thought was pretty solid and going to be ok. Things just kind of went from there and here I am today. Things didn’t work out like I planed so I didn’t get to go to school them. I went back to work to have a place to stay. Then I had kids and I through all my time into them and working. I got that job at the bail bonds and I loved it figured I do that forever. Then the bottom fell out of that my marriage went to shit and here I sit.

My dad was the only one who ever pushed me to go to school I don’t know why I didn’t go stay with him once I got out of high school and done things different. He wasn’t around a lot for my to stay with and he had my uncle there that I couldn’t stay with. He been in jail for things and I couldn’t be around him. I don’t know I’m sure if I had told my dad I wanted to stay there he would have told him he had to go somewhere else. But I can’t even think about that right now because that just goes somewhere that tonight I can’t go. I can’t think about how things may have been different and how they would have maybe changed the way things were the last year or so. Because I am barely holding it together right now with all the stress.

But my dad always wanted me to finish school it really ment a lot to him. He wanted me to go on to college. He would of helped anyway he could. But as far as being that person to sit down help me figure everything out that wasn’t him. I went to the schools to try to get help I just felt like i didn’t belong and because I had no clue what I was doing they looked at me like I was stupid. Why wouldn’t they that’s how everyone else treated me. But I was I had never been shown anything about trying to go to collage or how to decide what to go for and what classes to take. Or to even get aid to go. When I was in high school and tried to go I was told I wasn’t able to go. My grades and things weren’t good enough. I later found out that my grades were fine. They weren’t honer roll but I was passing and if I had been allowed to do college classes it would have made me want to do better. But even when I tried I was getting no where and told no. I gave up did what I had to do to pass the classes to finish to prove others wrong and do it for my dad. That was it. I guess they wanted to save the spots for the kids who made the perfect grades. Not those of us who did the best we could and had to work a little extra at it.

I have looked at the test once since I started all this the other week. I really don’t know if i am going to do very well. I was told I can still take classes it will just determine what ones I may have to do some remedial classes. I don’t want to have to do that because if I do that is going to take money from my other classes I need to take. The math I really don’t think I am going to pass. The writing reading I can score high enough in most the time. I am going to study some tonight and some tomorrow before I go. I am not a good test taker. The class work I get it I can study it and score great on it’s just when it comes to test. I don’t know why even when I think I am doing good I end up making just enough to pass.

All the other stress going on right now don’t help. Even now my mom keeps saying why are you doing for that why don’t you go for business or something like that. I don’t want to go for business, do you know how many people go for a two year business degree? It use to be the big thing what everyone was talking when I first finished school. Just to be able to say they had a degree so places would hire them. I don’t want something just to say I have it. I want it because it is something I want to do when I get done and set out to go to work. When it comes down to it there are people out there with more than a two year degree fighting for the same jobs I’m trying to get with no degree. Even a two year degree in business isn’t getting to many people to far any more. I figure if I am going to put the time and money into something I want to make it worth my time and money. I am going to go walk the dogs and try to study a little and try to get some sleep tonight. It is already 12:30 am can’t stay up to much later.

{May 13, 2015}   Divorce Me Please

The last few weeks have been less than pleasant to say the lest with father of the year. We have gotten into it over the kids and him not paying more times than I can count. The other day we got into it over money again. I had this thing with the school I needed to pay, gas to work over the weekend, and any minute my phone will go off until whenever I get the money to pay it.

He is telling me he don’t have any, he has bills blah blah cry me a river his sad story.

I just kept telling him I have things that I need to pay as well. I have school I’m trying to get into and this job I am trying to do. That we don’t live for free or get by for free until he decides he has it to pay or he wants to pay it.

He had the nerve to pop off with well if I do give you money it is for the kids not whatever you want to spend it on or stuff that you need or for yourself.

I was so pissed, I told him that I had money for the things I needed or wanted for myself. But that since he decided to not give me anything to help with the kids I had spent all mine on bills, rent, food, gas to go to doctors and appointments, clothing and things they needed for camp. There for no I may not need money for bills for them right now but that I had already paid them and now needed my money I used to pay what he should have been back to now cover the things I was trying to cover. He then proceeded to tell me no that wasn’t how it worked and went on and on. How when we went to court the judge would tell me it wasn’t to pay for my phone, gas or things for school.

He keeps saying we don’t even have an amount that he is supposed to give me and that he wants split custody.

I told him right now we don’t have split custody he gets them whenever he feels like it and don’t when he don’t. That right now we have when it is convenient for him visitation that’s about it. That I have the papers here to fill out that says what we each should be covering and it will tell him how much he needs to pay a month. That his check wasn’t as much as it should be or he had a short week or whatever was not an excuse. I told him he needs to budge his money like everyone else. Say ok I got extra this week I have x bills to pay and support to pay so let me put this much up because next week may be short. Like this week he bounced his checking account so he had a bunch of fees. Then where he hit the pole at work they took out $200 on top of the $100 they been taking out. So all together they got $300 off the top. Then the fees he had almost no check. Well guess what that is not my fault. I did not go to work and have accidents that I have to pay for. I didn’t screw my checking account up and have to pay fees either. If I did my kids still have to have to have lights water food and a roof over their heads. But he don’t see it that way. To him it is just oh well I don’t have it they will get by she will figure it out. If or when I have it if i feel like giving her some then I will.

Then he informed me that he wasn’t going to come over and go over this paper work and fill it out. That if I wanted the divorce then I needed to do it and to file contested because he is going to fight it. He is going to fight the support he is going to fight the custody. That I just want his money to spend on myself not take care of the kids.

I told him it was pretty pathetic that he won’t just come sit down and fill out the papers and come to a agreement together without fighting. All because he was trying to force someone to stay married to him. I blows my mind that instead of moving on you want to make someone else life miserable. I told him there was no hope what so ever of us ever getting back together. That I wouldn’t get back with him for any reason at all.

He said oh he still had hope and all this. Then he said something I couldn’t understand, about looking for a man or running around with other men. Then he said you have a real man right here if you open your eyes and treat him right. I was like what he wouldn’t say the first part over just went on and on about having a real man.

I said no that’s the problem a real man is the farthest thing from what I got when I got with you. I don’t know what I was thinking. I said I give you that you put on a pretty good show. You just couldn’t keep it up for very long. I should have waited a little longer before I married you. That pissed him off even more than he already was.

He started telling me what a whore I am and slut. I’m nothing but a nasty bitch and smelly cunt or something like that. He just went into a rage. All at work I should add.) Sleeping with other people why we were together and he don’t know if I was ever really faithful to him. He don’t know how he ever trusted me. I’m the lowest of the low and just jump in bed with this one and that one at the drop of a hat. He started yelling about how I was with my friend a while back he wasn’t stupid. How he has a girlfriend and kids at home and she thinks he was at work and he was over here.

First off let me just say I have only ever been with THREE people ever. I don’t care who knows it, I have nothing to hide. Two the other night he is talking about is the night not long before my dad passed a way. I wasn’t doing good and I had some drinks. The night I wrote about having A Good Friend. Yes he has a girlfriend and two kids with her and he has one with a ex. Yes he was at work and came over at work. She didn’t think he was at work she knows what time they close and what time it was. I am sure he told her where he was at or she would have been calling looking for him. I know her. If she thought anything was up she would have been on the phone. She knows me and she knows what was going on at the time. I am sure she would want someone to do the same for her or him if it needed to be done. He is like my brother we grew up together since we were like 7. I am not interested in him like that at all. Besides how much could I really do with my head hung in the toilet really. But because we were sitting on the couch together and I laid my head on his shoulder and he gave me a hug. We are screwing. Besides that we were on the couch in the living room and my oldest son was wide a wake. But this is the shit he come up with in his head.

Just like about a week before he said all this it was I just want to divorce him because I want to take the kids and run off to South Carolina so I can be with my friend J’s son. I have no clue where he got that one from. Her son is like 23. 11 year younger than me. I met him once about two years ago when me and J first started to really talk and hang out. Both her sons came down and she had a cook out. Me and my dad went and hung out for a little bit. My little bitty was barely 2 months old. Then I talk to him once after that when I was talking about moving up that way. I was asking him what different areas were like and how the bills where there. I was told electric is high. To be honest I don’t even know what one of her sons I was even talking to. It could have been the one who is single or it could have been the one that is married and has kids. I didn’t ask. Never crossed my mine too because that wasn’t what I was trying to find out. I just wanted to know what the areas there were like. Besides married not married kids no kids none of it matters because they are kids. I’m not interested.

I said you know you say your a real man but I don’t know any real man that would stand up and say these kinds of things to his wife. And I sure don’t know one that would stand there and scream them at her over the phone in front of everyone at work. I said no your not a real man because I real man wouldn’t talk about his wife or girlfriend like that or say that kind of stuff to her and he sure wouldn’t do it in front of a bunch of people. And a real man would take care of his kids and give the support for his kids regardless of where or how he thought the money was being spent because he would want to do his part to make sure his kids were taken care of and had what they needed. If he really thought the money wasn’t being spent right and that the kids weren’t being taken care of or have what they needed, he wouldn’t sit back and let them do without or be neglected. He would have them every chance he could and be there to get them when he was supposed to be not call up last minute and say he wasn’t coming and he would be going to court to find out what was going on with the money and make sure his kids where being taken care of. If they weren’t he would be doing everything in his power to get them. So if you think the things you are doing is what a real man dose then you better find someone else to look at for an example of what a real man is. I said just because it makes you feel like a real man to stand up and spew all these lies in front of everyone because you think oh your going to show them and you are going to put me in my place or whatever your wrong. I said it just makes you look like the ass that you are.

I said so I’m a whore, a cunt a nasty bitch I treat you so bad and just want your money to spend on myself, then why are you so hell bent on not divorcing me? Why do you want to stay married to someone who is so horrible and who dose such things? Why would you fight the divorce? Anyone else would be down there filing their-self and wanting rid of someone who treated them so bad. But not you. You say this is how I am and how I do and then turn around and say I’m not giving you a divorce. I will fight you, I don’t want it, I still have hope we will get back together I always will, I love you blah blah blah. You feel this is how I am and what is going on then just give me the divorce and let me go be the nasty whore you feel I am and move on with your life.

No I’m not dong that I don’t want it if you want it your going to have to file it and you may as well file it contested because I am going to fight it. I can do what I want I don’t want to make no agreement with you and do the papers and get the divorce over.

I said well then how’s all that make you look when you say all this stuff about me then refuse to divorce me? I said people are looking at you thinking one of two things. 1. If she is all this that you say and don’t take care of the kids why would you not divorce her? Your stupid or 2. Wow what kind of person is he to stand here and say all this, he must be making it up or a lot of it up or why else would he stay with her. Right? That’s the things I think when I hear someone talking about someone they are with or want to be with and they are saying stuff about them that isn’t right or good. About that time he started playing the I’m two I’m going to hang up on you and then ignore your calls and text game.

I guess he didn’t like it because I didn’t bother to call him back or text him. I went on about my day. He called me he hung up on me.I said what I had to say, he knew it was truth what else could he say. Then later that night when he was off work he remembered who I was again. He started calling and sending me text just trying to get me to talk to him. I answer give the phone to the kids. They get done hand it back I hung it up. He text ask about the kids I just answer short simple ignore anything else that didn’t have to do with the kids. This way he  can’t say later I wouldn’t let him know this or that about the kids or I wouldn’t answer and let him talk to the kids or what.

Then he text what’s wrong with you why won’t you talk to me. I text him back told him I was and he hung up on me that he didn’t care to hear what I had to say then after I listen to all he had to say, that I didn’t have anything to say to him. He called kept trying to get me to talk I just said I got to go I have stuff to do. He started texting me same old how he still had hope and blah blah. I said well hold on to that hope and hold your breath let me know how it works for you ignored him after that we haven’t talked much since.

I was talking to the therapist today told her what he was saying about wanting joint custody and things. She laughed. She said how is he going to handle that? He can’t take care of them. Even she knows he can’t do it. She knows when he wasn’t working and I was and going to school that that I still took care of everything. She was there she seen and we talked. She also knows all the stuff my son has told her and how he is when I’m not around. How it gets worse when things are like this and we aren’t together.

She said the same thing I did, I need to get a lawyer and whatever he is leagly obligated to take care of let them make him do it. Since he has drug it out this long and fighting it and making it have to be filed contested. She even said he has kept me from being able to work he is keeping me from having money by not paying his part still keeping me from being able to apply for jobs and school by not picking them up when he is supposed too. I can’t tell someone ok you sit here and don’t plan anything for the day because he might not show up and if he don’t I need a sitter. I can’t call someone last minute and say ok he didn’t show up I need you to come right over so I can go to work or school whatever it may be. She knows she has been around long enough that it is just me and my kids. I really don’t have friends I can call on to do that kind of thing. That even if you have sitter they know they have x days off they make plans like any other normal person or even if they don’t they wan their days off to relax like everyone else. Not to be called in last minute. Once in a while thing is one thing but all the time is another.

It just makes me so mad he plays these games. I’m going to show you and I have this control and there is nothing you can do about it. I’m going to keep you right where I want you and your going to do just what I say. If not I’m going to make whatever you do as hard as I can because I’m not going to do my part or the things a father should. Everyone knows it has nothing to do with the kids. It is all to do with number one he wants me back and number two he don’t budget his money so he never has any. He thinks it’s ok to just put his kids on the back burner until he decides he has it or wants to give it. Like he has said so many times before how will I pay you and live too? The money he makes he should be able to pay for his kids and his bills and still have a little left in his pocket at the end of the day. It just if i don’t give you money you have to come ask or beg me. I’m about to show him how wrong he is over all this. I just might get enough on my long to not only pay the rent but also a lawyer. I will never understand why anyone wants to be with someone who don’t want them.

{May 13, 2015}   My Great Debates

I was thinking about everything going on with father of the year, schooling the kids, me going back to school, trying to go back to work, and dealing with child support for my little one. It is a lot on my plate to deal with.

Schooling for me and the kids I think I have planed out and under control. I feel I can handle the going to school and schooling the kids fine. I already know that I will be doing my classes on line and at night after the kids go to bed. I will also have weekends or other days that he takes the kids for the night to do my school work and studying. I did really good with my other class and I did the work for it at night or on lunch. I know this is going to be more work than my other class, but I still think I have it. That leave’s the day’s and evenings open to do school with the kids and take them on field trips or what. We may go to a 5 day school week for them just so if I need to take a day here or there to get things done we don’t fall behind.

Dealing with father of the year and him showing up and taking them when he wants and paying if and when he feels like it has got to come to an end. I decided today I am going to tell them that I want child support from him when I go talk to them about RC. They will give it to me because right now they are living with me. They will tell him if he wants custody or visitation then he needs to take me to court. I don’t figure he is going to take me to court at all. If he don’t that is fine. He can still see them when he wants and things. But at least they will make sure he is doing his part. If he don’t there will be records of it to show through a 3rd party. I won’t be my word against his and he can’t tell others he is paying or fight with me and tell me he paid. The other day he was telling me he did to pay me when he first moved out. He didn’t pay me for 6 months when he first moved out.

The child support thing with RC shouldn’t be horribly hard if they will look in the computer and see where he is working with his social security number. I gave it to them and it is on file with the court house. I know they probably aren’t going to want to or say they can’t. They are probably going to say I have to have a address to send him papers to. But I think I may have found a way to find out. I have just been waiting to check into that until I know I have someone who is going to do something. I don’t want to pull strings and get the information now and then it be to old he moved or something in the mean time. I want to get it right then so it is the most up to date.

The thing I am most worried about right now is the getting a job. I worry about it because I have to be there the time they say the day they say. I have to ask so far out if I need a day off and they don’t like you to ask for days off or if you do they don’t want you asking for to many off. I know that I am going to have to go to the school to take my final test for each of the classes I am going to take. They will be on different days most likely. I will have to take off to go to the child support office and I pretty much have to come in whenever they ask me to they don’t work around you. If you don’t go when they tell you they drop your case and you have to start over and they drop any help you get. If they don’t let me do father of the year and RC’s at the same time I have to go back different days for each of them how ever many times that takes. I know I have to go for a dna test with Father of the year and RC is probably going to want one as well. Thinking he is going to get out of paying boy is he wrong. I can say with out the shadow of a doubt 100% would bet any amount of money even my life on is, I know who all 4 of my kids fathers are and there are only two. There is no way shape or form that they could be anyone else. My older 3 are father of the years and my little bitty is RC’s. I don’t want to start a job that I am going to have to be asking for time off all the time.

I don’t know what made me think of it but talking to my friend I did. I am thinking about taking out a student loan to pay my rent for the next 7 months. I would have June through Decembers paid. With the little bit I get each month right now I should be able to keep the bills paid. Without a job I can’t pay the bills and rent. I didn’t want to take loans out unless I had to. But this might be the best way to do it. Since my classes are going to be shorter than normal term classes too. This will let me be more focused as well. I could wait to take care of things with RC and Father of the year but that is something that really needs to be taken care of right a way. Father of the year for sure because until someone steps in and tells him this is how it is and that he can’t show up a day or two after he was supposed to be here and pick them up and that when he is supposed to have them he has to get them and that if something like work comes up it is up to him to have a back up plan for them not just call say he isn’t coming and leave it to me to figure out at last minute. I don’t always have someone I can call and it shouldn’t just be dumped on me to figure out. School and my job are just as important as his. I have to be responsible and have everything covered when I have them. He needs to take responsibility and do the same. What if they were at his house he got called in or something happen? I was at work what would he do? He also isn’t going to pay if they don’t tell him he needs to help I think the big thing with that is like I said before. He feels if he don’t pay I can’t then I will say oh no we are going to be homeless again come back home and pay the bills. Then he can walk back in and act like one big happy family. It’s all about control with him why he just calls and says he isn’t coming. He don’t show I can’t go to that interview, I can’t go put in that application for that job. I can’t get a job so then I can’t pay the bills he will have to move back in and pay them. So he thinks. I have to take the control away from him as soon as possible. I would have already been to the office down there but I wasn’t sure how to handle it and take care of it and they are supposed to be contacting me. Soon as I get done with the school this week I am going rather they have contacted me or not.

The other debate is to look into seeing if I could get a business loan. I have thought about it before but never did it. I always figure they aren’t going to give me one because I don’t have much income coming in. But then the other week I was talking with someone and said that to them. They looked at me like I was stupid and said if you start a business that is your job and income that is what they are going to consider. I was like uh well duh I guess so I never really thought about it that way. But I also have no assets really and not that great of credit. But for some reason it has been on my mind a lot the last few days that I should try this. I keep saying I can’t because I have to bring enough money in to cover the bills and things for a business and home. But if I pay my rent up and can pay the bills with what I already got coming in. Then that is even better because then I only have to worry about bring in enough money to cover the bills of the company and the loan if I get one. I won’t be so stressed about trying to pay the bills at two place. I can set my own hours. I can hire someone to work part time when I need to take a few hours or a day off. The kids could come with me and sit do their work or help out.

I also figured if I am going to get a lone to pay the rent up for the rest of the year then I would pay all put like $2000 at one time. I would take part of that two and put away just in case I needed anything. Like right now I am worried the starter is going on my truck. If that happens I don’t know that I could buy one keep the bills going. But I could buy one out of that money then put a little back at a time until I got it al back in there. I would also take out of the two and buy all the kids lessons for the year out of it. I will get most of it back through my sons scholarship and as soon as I got it back I would just put it back up with the rest. So even though I spent the money on that it wouldn’t be 100% gone I would be getting it back. If I done that my rent would be paid up for 4 months and then still have about 4 in the bank. I just wouldn’t be able to touch it for any reason unless like I said my truck broke down I needed a part or I got some thing for school that I knew I was going to get the money back for. I even thought about taking out a couple extra hundred just for school stuff for the kids. That way I can keep rolling it over once I get the refund from the scholarship on what I buy. I can put it a way to buy something else when it is needed or go ahead and order other stuff we need if there is stuff. Because that is a big part of the problem right now is that we know what we want to use we just don’t have the upfront money to get it. Father of the year was supposed to give us some out of his tax money or his vacation pay to get some stuff and we were going to just keep rolling it. Then he decided not to.

Anyway that is my debates now. I have to decide quick if this is what I want to do or not because whatever I am going to do I have to do Thursday. I think the cut off date is Friday for loans and aid.

et cetera
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