In 13 1/2 hours I will be sitting in front of a computer taking a test. I have not been in school since May of 1999. Other than when I took my massage therapy class and that was way different than this. I can not believe that May 17 will be 16 years since I graduated high school.

I look back and wonder where the time went and feel I have wasted half my life or more. I’m going to be almost 42 when I finish collage. Then I still have a 3 year intern-ship to do. I will be 45 before I can even think about working in the field I want to go into. What teen or teen mom is going to want to listen to some 45 year old social worker tell them what they need or how to do things?

I feel like I have failed my kids and that I should have done better before I ever had them. I try to figure out why I didn’t do things different and why I things aren’t better for them.

I look back I wanted to do so much when I finished school. But all I was ever given was a hard time told how I couldn’t do it wouldn’t do it, picked on and made fun off all the time. I was never really encouraged to go to school beyond high school. Like I said I was told I never finish that, why would there be talk of collage? My mom wasn’t one of them mom’s who wanted to know your plans after high school. She wasn’t one to sit down and look schools and programs up with you and try to help you pick the best one  and how to pay for it and things like that. It was one of them things that was just never brought up or talked about. If it was it was never nothing more than go over to the local school see what they had to offer. Then it was why would you take that.

I wanted to go to the college and take some classes but I knew how things were at home and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do that and be living in my moms house. I didn’t make enough to live on my own. I wasn’t allowed to have a car or license. If things weren’t done just so even when I was grown it was fucking hell and miserable. So I just worked and worked some more until I was finally able to get a way out I thought was pretty solid and going to be ok. Things just kind of went from there and here I am today. Things didn’t work out like I planed so I didn’t get to go to school them. I went back to work to have a place to stay. Then I had kids and I through all my time into them and working. I got that job at the bail bonds and I loved it figured I do that forever. Then the bottom fell out of that my marriage went to shit and here I sit.

My dad was the only one who ever pushed me to go to school I don’t know why I didn’t go stay with him once I got out of high school and done things different. He wasn’t around a lot for my to stay with and he had my uncle there that I couldn’t stay with. He been in jail for things and I couldn’t be around him. I don’t know I’m sure if I had told my dad I wanted to stay there he would have told him he had to go somewhere else. But I can’t even think about that right now because that just goes somewhere that tonight I can’t go. I can’t think about how things may have been different and how they would have maybe changed the way things were the last year or so. Because I am barely holding it together right now with all the stress.

But my dad always wanted me to finish school it really ment a lot to him. He wanted me to go on to college. He would of helped anyway he could. But as far as being that person to sit down help me figure everything out that wasn’t him. I went to the schools to try to get help I just felt like i didn’t belong and because I had no clue what I was doing they looked at me like I was stupid. Why wouldn’t they that’s how everyone else treated me. But I was I had never been shown anything about trying to go to collage or how to decide what to go for and what classes to take. Or to even get aid to go. When I was in high school and tried to go I was told I wasn’t able to go. My grades and things weren’t good enough. I later found out that my grades were fine. They weren’t honer roll but I was passing and if I had been allowed to do college classes it would have made me want to do better. But even when I tried I was getting no where and told no. I gave up did what I had to do to pass the classes to finish to prove others wrong and do it for my dad. That was it. I guess they wanted to save the spots for the kids who made the perfect grades. Not those of us who did the best we could and had to work a little extra at it.

I have looked at the test once since I started all this the other week. I really don’t know if i am going to do very well. I was told I can still take classes it will just determine what ones I may have to do some remedial classes. I don’t want to have to do that because if I do that is going to take money from my other classes I need to take. The math I really don’t think I am going to pass. The writing reading I can score high enough in most the time. I am going to study some tonight and some tomorrow before I go. I am not a good test taker. The class work I get it I can study it and score great on it’s just when it comes to test. I don’t know why even when I think I am doing good I end up making just enough to pass.

All the other stress going on right now don’t help. Even now my mom keeps saying why are you doing for that why don’t you go for business or something like that. I don’t want to go for business, do you know how many people go for a two year business degree? It use to be the big thing what everyone was talking when I first finished school. Just to be able to say they had a degree so places would hire them. I don’t want something just to say I have it. I want it because it is something I want to do when I get done and set out to go to work. When it comes down to it there are people out there with more than a two year degree fighting for the same jobs I’m trying to get with no degree. Even a two year degree in business isn’t getting to many people to far any more. I figure if I am going to put the time and money into something I want to make it worth my time and money. I am going to go walk the dogs and try to study a little and try to get some sleep tonight. It is already 12:30 am can’t stay up to much later.

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