No Respect

I’m beyond hurt and angry right now. I am going to post this all just as I write it to someone else earlier. I still feel upset hurt and in disbelief. But I really guess I shouldn’t considering the past. I guess it makes it harder that she is really all I have left since my dad past a way. I feel as if I really don’t have any family any more. I thought she had changed some and things would be different this time but I guess not. When she was told no and she couldn’t do what she wanted or as she please with my kids and take over it was to much for her. I really do just wish I had the money to pack up leave and not look back because I wouldn’t not one bit. I feel as if it is jut me and my kids that’s it. Father of the years side of the family has nothing to do with them, they see them maybe twice a year they do for one and not the rest. My mom this is the kind of shit she dose. I think tonight is the worse she has been or said at one time to me. I don’t know if things can ever be the same or even on speaking seeing terms for holidays or anything. I really don’t know what I am supposed to say to something like that. There really isn’t nothing you can because nothing is going to make someone like that think any different or see things any different. It’s all about them.

Feeling so upset hurt. I got in a huge fight with my mom a little bit ago. She said I can’t home school my kids I don’t have the education I need to do it. How I can’t spell and all kinds of really hurtful things. I graduated high school, have been a licensed massaged therapist passed the class with an A or B over all. I have taken a class to do income tax for the big tax company here and passed it with a A over all. I have taken classes to be a bail bondsman and had my license and to be a duola. I just started this summer with two classes at our local collage to get my AA so that I can go on to get my masters. I am taking Comp 1 all writing and personal finance. I am 4 points from an A in my comp class, only reason I don’t have an A is because I didn’t do one reply on a board. I didn’t pass the college placement for math but did for the writing. But I haven’t been in “school” in 15 years and didn’t do a lot of the algebra and things back then. I did struggle with spelling for a long time but have really worked on it and I may not be 100% spot on with every word out there but for the most part I do fine. If I didn’t I couldn’t be getting an A in my comp class. It’s all writing and they take off for spelling and everything. All I get told on my work is great job. I am single mom trying to go back to work and then she is telling me well your not going to have time to do it around work your own schooling, keeping up the house and things. I told her I could do it on my days off and in the evening. They are 9 and 11 they could do what they can on their own and I could work with them on days off after work before work with things they don’t understand and to make sure they are doing it and things. She tells me if I can give it to them and they can work with it on their own then they aren’t learning anything and they already know it. That they aren’t going to get an education and no college is going to take them that they are never going to pass the test to get in. How they have no friends and don’t go anywhere. They didn’t have friends in school they were always upset with being bullied my dd to the point of not eating hiding food and losing weight over it at one time. With my ex moving out money has been tight lately and we haven’t done a lot of filed trips or outings. We do have a home school group that we are a part of and try to do things with when I can and they have a park day that we go to when they want to go. She say’s they tell her they want to go back to school and they are just afraid to tell me. We talk about it all the time and they don’t want to go back. They just go along with her when they are there and she is saying this that and the other and I am not around because that’s just how she is if you don’t agree then its’ why your wrong and all this. My dd begged to go to camp for months then few days before time to go she is with my mom and on the phone telling me she don’t want to go and all upset. My mom says because she seen all these kids and people who drawn because they didn’t know how to swim and she can’t swim and they are going in paddle boats with life jackets and swimming in the pool so she probably will drawn too. They have to take a swim test before they can go in the pool and it is on her paperwork that she can’t swim. I was horrible for sending them to camp at all to start with because they wouldn’t be at home where I knew what was going on every minute and someone could do something to them if they didn’t drawn. She would never send her kids off like that or never let them do that. She wouldn’t we were not allowed to do girl scouts, camp with church sleep overs play dates nothing. We were either with her or my grandma at all times or my dad 24/7 if we were not at school. So since I don’t do things the way she says then its all wrong. I am just so frustrated we got in huge argument over the phone she called me to finish telling me all this stuff at after saying most of it to me at her house in front of my kids. talking about how I am going to go to jail if I don’t keep every paper they ever do and if they don’t do every lesson in every chapter then yeah my kids probably do want to go back to school if they are afraid I’m going to go to jail. Who wouldn’t to keep their mom out of trouble. I just feel so bad and so angry I’ve just sat and cried that is my mom of all people.

I just feel like I have done all this with no help or support from her and then she sits and basically calls me stupid when she has no clue. Then wonders why my brother has nothing to do with her and me and my sister have very little to do with her. She been better lately and I thought she was starting to realise but I guess it was all just because she needed help and because she thought she was going to dictate how things were going to be and she could take over and do it all, since I am so stupid in her opinion. If it was anyone else I would have nothing to do with them and cut them off a long time ago. I had been having very little to do with her for a while talk here and there on the phone stop in once in a while. Then with my dad passing so unexpected and things and all the should of wish I’s I and we had a really close relationship I felt I should try again to be closer and to at least try and talk to her go see her more or what. But then this. I don’t understand how any one can treat someone like she treats people and see nothing wrong with it or as it is them who is wrong or has a problem. My dad may not agreed with some of the things I did but he never talk to me that way or treated me that way or make me feel bad. If it came up he say well just be careful or make sure your doing what you need to or I don’t know if I would do that but it sounds like you have thought about it planed it out and know what your getting into if you can handle it. not blow up and freak out because you didn’t do it just how he thought you should and because you thought different than him. If it worked great if not then ok you tried now figure out what to do. He was that way about everything and would help any way he could even if it wasn’t something he would do or how he would do it.

My oldest was home with us for a few days after the camp thing and did end up going to camp. I didn’t make her I told her if she really didn’t want to go then not to go but not to let all that grandma was saying scare her, that just because grandma wouldn’t xy and z didn’t mean that it was wrong to do. I told her even if she didn’t want to go to pack her stuff and bring it because camp was two hours away from home. That way if she got there and decided at last minute she did want to go she would have her stuff. She said no she wanted to go she wanted to try it at least once. She went wrote me a letter and said she was glad she listen to me and went because she was having fun. even with a minor issue she still wants to go back next year. she came home started telling grandma about zip lining and going up the pole and walking across the rope she told her she shouldn’t have done that and about some guy died a few months back doing something like that. I said yeah and some people get in a car accident and die going up the road to the store or see grandma. And there are way more car accidents than ropes course accidents or zip line accents. Things happen if your doing everything to be safe not doing something foolish or that you are not supposed to be you should be fine. But accidents happen we can’t live in fear of what if and never do anything. You just have to know that you are right with god and know that if something was to happen where you are going. I am a true believer that if it is your time to go you are going to go no matter where you are or what you are doing and if it isn’t your time your not going to. People of lived through some amazing things. Some have died doing some really simple ones you would never thin they would die doing. Its life I don’t want to see anything happen to my kids but I am not going to keep them in a bubble or teach them to live in fear and never try new things because of the what if’s. I lived my life that way growing up because even if I wanted to do something I was never allowed because of what if. I never force my kids to try something but I don’t stop them I tell them the good, bad worst case or whatever and the odds of that happening or what. They decide for their self.

No More Walking

My friend came over yesterday and I was able to get my truck back. I was there before their doors opened waiting. The girl took care of everything and then we went out to get it. They had it behind this big fence with a bunch of other cars all in a line and a ton of other stuff around it. She could’t get the gate open past the truck it is messed up I told her they had it open the other way when they put it in she kept saying it wouldn’t open that way since it was broke. There was no way they could pull it up to get the gate past it she was scared to drive it. My friend went over and got the gate to start opening the other way and the girl then started trying to help her and get it to open the other way. They got it open some I said you can back it out this way and around the gate there is room if you can’t or don’t want to open it all the way she looked at me like I was crazy. She got the gate open and I went to make sure the kids were out of the way so she could back it out. She started to the truck a couple times and stopped. She finally looked at me and said do you want to pull it out since it’s first one. I said yeah I can back it out I don’t mind. She looked so glad. I backed it up and around to miss the tree and then had to pull it up and back around again because there was a wall and the store right there on either side. She looked amazed that I turned t around but I did’t want to back it all the way out and around the store they have stuff sitting there people walking all around and cars all around. At that point I was just happy to have my truck back, I could have probably backed it all the way home if I had too. I was so nice to have room not feel smashed it the doors close like they should not have to worry about them popping open or it dying and walking and the kids were so glad to have air that worked like it should and vents in the back so they could feel it when it was on. Now to pay the bills and wait for the rest of my money to come so that I can pay up on the rent and things.

The Walking Continues

Today I have checked off and on to see if my money was there really not expecting it to me until sometime tomorrow. Well I checked around 3 and nothing was there we got a really bad storm me and the kids laid around read and watched some tv. I fell a sleep laying here watching something on tv with them when I went to get up something said check to see if it was there or not so I did and I had a email saying it had been put on my card. I called the card to make sure and sure enough it was there. It was a little after 4:30 the place closes at 6. I called couple people got no answer so I got the kids already and we headed out. I got lucky and had two strollers so I put the little ones in them and me and my big boy pushed them. It took us about 35/40 minutes to walk all the way up there. 

The place was packed the line was down the aisel and around the back. We waited and waited finally got up there and the women gave us off to the guy who was helping me when I left it. He got my idea and looked everything up, I pulled my bank card out and went to hand it to him and he said I can’t take that it has to be cash for all pick ups. I about cried we were all so hot my little guy needed to go to the bathroom they wouldn’t let him use it there. Said we had to go to the store next to them. He knew we had walked up there. He was like I am so sorry you walked all the way up here and have waited this long. He said if I could leave I would take you to get the money and come back. He asked if I wanted him to call us a cab. I told him no they cost a small fortune and then want to charge extra for each person and you wait a hour or more to even be picked up. We could walk it home by before it would get there to pick us up. We left and I walked over to the other store to take my little guy to the bathroom and they were closed, we walked down to the diner we like to eat at and they were closed. There wasn’t anything else close to take him we had to back track to even head home then. 

Then father of the year calls says he was getting dropped off here I tried to get him to ask the guy who gave him a ride to pick us up of course he had an excuse for not asking him. I told him I would pay him if he would just pick us up. I finally got the kids to the house I left them with farther of the year and walked over to the college to get money so I would have it tomorrow and I could get more tomorrow. I can only get $500 at the atm and they said I can get up to $500 at the store and I need $1400. It is supposed to be free at the school atm to get it and only cost me 50 cent to get it at the store. I figured I go to the school tonight then again in the morning and then to the store in the morning. Needless to say it rained yet again. thank god it wasn’t to bad and we didn’t get soaked. By the time I got home I had been out walking for almost 3 hours. Father of the year thinks nothing of it, acts like no big deal. Wants to try and get the van to start and drive it. It’s just going to get stuck again and cost me more money because we don’t have the parts to fix what we think is wrong with it and if we are wrong because it hasn’t been checked to see for sure. I said no just take them in and forget it. 

Thank God tomorrow my friends going to come when her husband goes to work and take us to get the rest of the money and then go get it. If that fall through I guess we will get up early and try to figure out the bus and figure a way to take the bus from place to place or as close to them as we can get. I didn’t have time today to figure it all out and it was so late a lot of them weren’t running any more. 

As much as I have walked and sweated this week I should have lost 20lbs easy. But I bet I haven’t lost any. If I had it may all be worth it. 

Out Walking In The Night

The other day I posted about running out of gas with my friend and two little s (Your Not Going To Kill Me, Are You). I walked up to the station got gas and a ride back  to the van.

Well last night I left the kids with father of the year and went to church, I haven’t been in almost a month and missed bible study last month. I really felt I needed to go. We put about $15 in gas yesterday and he put in another $5 this morning. We have went hardly no where on that $20 at all. My big ass truck gets over 10 miles to a gallon I know this little mini van should get at least that if not more so on $20 I should have been able to go them places home and him back to work and home again.

I get half way home from bible study and break down right in front of my old job. I nearly make it off the road and into their lot before it wouldn’t go any more. I called all over to try and get someone to come help me and everyone was busy or working. I sat there a little bit and decided to go try and get gas.

I walked up to the little store and paid over $10 for a little tiny gas can and got $2.50 in gas. I went to walk back to the van this older guy come out of the store and called to me. I walked back over the guy working in the store came out he said he is ok really nice guy I have known him for a while he will take you back to your car if you want. I thought at that point may as well I rather fight than walk tonight. We got back to the van and put the gas in it still wouldn’t start. The guy finally left and I called farther of the year had him call work and have them send a tow truck.

I have no idea what is wrong with it sitting there doing nothing and it makes this grinding and growing sound. No key on or in it. I think it is possessed really I do. At this point I really don’t care. I just needed it to last until Friday because I didn’t get my money Tuesday. Went to the school they said it wouldn’t be there until the end of the week. At this point I have nothing to do, no where to go today, I will just find a way to go get my truck and forget it. It needs to much work and not worth it to me to put money into it to make it run again for a day or two when it needs so much other stuff that is going to be a problem soon. I told them the other day I think it is something besides the gas because I thought it should have had gas in it the other day when we got stuck too. Now they think it is something wrong with the fuel pump. Even though the gage didn’t work and read full one minute and empty the next once it got to low it would ding and once it started to ding you had to get gas right away. It hasn’t dinged the last two times it was supposedly out of gas. But if it is the fuel pump even if it isn’t out if it gets to low it would still keep it from pulling it up through there so it wouldn’t run.

Everyone says they can come take a look at it or wants to buy it but don’t want to pay anything for it. I told them at this point it is tagged until October I can leave it sit parked and nothing no one can do about it for now. I have to much other stuff to worry about to think about what to do with it. If I sell it I have to track my brother down get him to sign papers and then sit at the tag office for hours to get at title. No one wants to give me over $500 to $600 for it. It will cost me $100 to get a title so I am back down to $500 plus the hours sitting waiting to get a title with 4 kids. I went to just get my license the other day and sat for 2.5 hours. It is no different than sitting and waiting for a title. I can scrap it for $500 with no title why would I want to sell it for $600 or even $700 to still end up with only $500 by the time I sit wait and pay for a title. They don’t seem to understand that. My friend wants the tires if they are in good shape. I figure I will sell them the tires for it and get his old ones and put on it and still sell it for $500 for scrap and still be at $600 or more and not have to do all the running around putting out money and waiting. If he wants anything else off of it I can sell him that too and then scrap it.

Its pouring here so not like we would have been going anywhere today any how.

Dreams When In A Funk

Here we go again can only write a post if it is in some other color than normal. Still can’t figure out why it dose this or how to fix it, so in the mean time until I do just bear with me. 

I went to bed fairly early for me last night, around 1 am and went to sleep right away for the most part. While I don’t remember waking up until around 6 something I did have a bunch of crazy dreams. I only really remember on but all night I dreamed about snacks and something being on me. Needless to say I didn’t sleep well at all even though I finally slept all night. 

I don’t normally dream about snacks unless I’m really stressed and I really haven’t been stressed other than about them coming to look at the the house and I am really not stressed to the point of having crazy dreams. But I was in this really odd funk last that hit not long before I went to bed and seemed to just get worse until I finally went to sleep. 

I text my friend for a little bit before I went to sleep. I just really down and depressed. I don’t know what made it hit all of a sudden and so hard. I just felt really upset and lonely. I have been feeling really lonely for a while now. It will come and go at times it has the last few years, but the last week or two it has really been on my mind a lot and bothering me. I feel like I’m going to be this way forever. 

My friend says it’s steps I will meet someone when I get moved a way from here like I want to be. I tell myself that and would really like to meet someone after I move because if I meet someone here what are the odds that they are going to want to move or be able to move really? But then I feel like I am never going to get to move and that I am going to be stuck here forever. Even with a job bills are so high I really have no extra money to save to try and move. Like I said before here it just seems like everyone knows everyone and everyone thinks they know you before they even meet you or try to get to know you. Or they have their past or habits they either try to hide or don’t care if you know about at all because they aren’t trying to change them. Who wants to be a part of all that really. I just feel trapped I guess. I have applied for two jobs that I would really like to have but haven’t heard anything back. I pray that I hear something soon and it is good. I am going to be contacting them tomorrow I think if I don’t hear anything by then. See if I can at least set up a interview or when they plan to set some up. I was at the one place yesterday and it looked as if they may have hired someone new so I am hoping they haven’t filled it. I had a appointment with my little guy today so I wasn’t able to go in and talk to them. 

I guess that funk just made me have the crazy dreams. I don’t normally have them when I feel that way either, I wasn’t stressed more depressed than anything. But our minds have such a odd way of working and connecting with our emotions you never know what may happen. 

Trying Not To Stress

Surprisingly with everything going on and having to pawn the truck I really haven’t been stressed since I done it and got everything paid. I know the money is coming sometime so That I can pay on the truck and get it out. No the money did not go in after midnight and it still isn’t there. Chances of getting my truck back before they close today are looking slim. But I am ok with that so far because I was warren it may not come until Friday. I’m not happy about it because they gave me a date I feel they know people need this money for bills and things they should say it is going to be here between x and x not on x if it isn’t going to show up until days later. But anyway.

But I do have this lady that wants to come do a walk through of my house and it is stressing me to no end every time I think about it. There really isn’t anything wrong just little things that I have been working on getting taken care of. To be honest a lot of it is because of the work the people done before we moved in. But I know they are just looking for a reason to get me out of here it seems and I’m worried they are going to say it’s our fault and try to make us move. I really can’t afford to move. I don’t have almost $3000 to put deposits on another place and I don’t show the 3X the monthly rent coming in they want you to show to move in some place. I keep telling myself that it is going to be fine and that they aren’t going to find anything wrong enough to say we have to leave but then I can’t help but stress about it still. I do everything I can to keep this place even pawn my truck so that my kids have a place to live and it comes down to something like this and we may still not have a place. If it wasn’t for the fact it is our place to live I wouldn’t be so stressed. But I know how rude the guy was on the phone the other day and how mad he was that I have a lease and that for whatever reason he wants us out. I know it is nothing that we have done because if it was he had other times he could of told us to move and been able to do it. Like when the roof was leaking all over and fell in. They could have said they weren’t going to fix it couldn’t fix it right now that we needed to move. I truly believe that it all comes down to the houses all around me are renting for $950 a month and they rented me this one for $750. The fact that we have paid about $12,000 in rent in the time we have been here and that he has had to put two new roofs on and a new air unit outside. He probably has spent all that we gave him or more on repairs, taxes and insurance for the house. But you know what it isn’t my fault the roof was bad long ago he knew it if he didn’t the people he had do the work did because there were trees laying on the roof for a year or more. I don’t know what was wrong with the air but he would have to replace it whoever he had in here. At least he is starting to make money on it now and this years rent should start being mostly profit. Plus I know he has gotten money as well because the lady in the office told me he did and he was going to put it into the properties. I don’t know if he is wanting to do more repairs hoping to rent it for the higher amount or if he is wanting to sell it. It is harder to sell when you have it rented out for a year or so.

I just want to get it over with and I want to avoid dealing with it as long as I can at the same time. In hopes that they will just forget it and not come and leave us a lone as long as I make sure my rent is there on time from now on. I put them off last week by telling them I was sick which I was. They said give them a call back in a week or so to make arrangements. So I have been trying to make sure everything is ok before they come. But I can’t really scrub the walls and get any little scuff marks off or anything because of the paint they used, it wipes right off. The paint in other rooms is peeling off the walls I don’t know why. I know they are going to say something about that. I have a spot in the hall that is messed up from where the roof was leaking. The only real thing that they can say something about that is from us is where father of the year put a hole in two of my doors in the house. That is the only thing that is from us and should’t have happen. I covered one up with something the other is on a door in spot I don’t think they will notice.

I just really hate having people I don’t know in my house and going all through it. I have a really problem with taking someone all through my house into my bedrooms and things. Not that I have anything to hide I just feel it is a huge invasion of my space. I don’t know I think that is stressing me as much or more than them finding anything wrong to be honest. Am I going to have to open all my closets and all that or just walk them through let them glance in each room and they will be on their way.

Just the over all stress of dealing with them makes me sick thinking about it. I just wish I had the money to get us out of here and into something else. I would gladly move if they wanted to do away with my lease. But they would have to pay my moving cost and give me all the money I put down to get in this place and help me find something in the same price range in a comparable area and help me get in since i don’t show 3 or 4x the rent like they want. I know they are not going to want to do that and that is fine I would rather not move until the first of the year when my lease is up and I really haven’t done anything that they can make me move before then so I am just going to try not to stress about all to much. But if they were to do that I would move I would like to move north of here around where my dad was staying and closer to church.

Counting Down the Minutes

I really want to go to bed but I am counting down the minutes until midnight. I have 5 left right now. But really I will probably have to wait until 12:30 am. My money is supposed to be here today so that I can go get my truck back. I really pray that it comes today like it is supposed to. I have been told it can take up to 3 days to really come. But I noticed Thursday that on my school records instead of saying I had no credit or balance it said I had a – credit and balance for the full amount I am supposed to get between tomorrow and the 7 th of July. My friend said Thursday I would have it within 24 hours of it showing negative but I didn’t get it. I was hoping because I could have gotten my truck back last Friday. But didn’t think it was going to come. When my grand money was supposed to come it said negative for weeks before the money finally came. I don’t know if I will get the full amount tomorrow or if they will hold part of it and I will get it the 7 th even. I really don’t care I just want at least the half I am supposed to get tomorrow so I can get my truck. The rest is pretty much for bills and rent so it don’t matter if I have it now or later I can’t use it for anything else but bills. I keep being told that it probably won’t go in before 3 pm tomorrow even. That kind of sucks because I have my sons therapy from 3 to 4. Then I have to go to the school, the store and a bank in order to get all the money for the truck if they won’t take my bank card for payment at the pawn shop. That is going to cost me around $20 give or take to just get my money if I have to run around all over to get the money. I am watching my email too because they are supposed to send me a email when they put it into my account. Well it is 5 after 12 and no email yet, but who knows how long it may take to get the email once they do it. They had to send me a text the other day and it took forever before I got it. I think I will call and see what they say and go to bed. If it isn’t there when I call I guess I will check when I get up in the morning and then later after therapy. I really want my truck back I don’t want to run out of gas again in this van or worse have it just stop working for some reason.

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