I applied for around 40 between the third and sixth and have heard nothing back. I have talk to them and all they say is we will go through the applications and call you back if we are interested. I am now filling out more applications but feel I am running out of places to apply at this point. I am going to have to take another loan out to pay my bills and it is just going to put me out more in the future. Right now it is all I can do other than get rid of and pack all my stuff and go move in with my mom and we all know how that was and will be.

She called me again the other day all upset because she may have to move again. She don’t know why I won’t just come over there. When she is the one that has no income coming in at all and lives in a smaller place than me and the kids. She wouldn’t have to get rid of anything to come over here, all her stuff could be put in storage. But my house isn’t good enough for her. She done said she couldn’t watch my kids because it would be to many hours for her to work if she gets the disability so she couldn’t do both. That it wouldn’t be enough for her to just stay watch them. But when she called she tried to use the well if I come over there I can’t watch the kids because of the way things are there. Um hello it would be easier to watch them here than her place they have their rooms to go to they have the back room to do their school stuff they have the house to do whatever in and a huge front and back yard if she wanted to take them out or the carport. not just sitting huddled in her little living room at her house. Just her way of trying to manipulate things to the way she wants. I said that’s fine you already said you couldn’t anyway. Then it was how she could if I was there but blah blah. Then it was she wouldn’t be able to afford a place again if she loses this one and she would be stuck with me forever if she had to come over here. At this point I don’t know when or where I would move if I had to leave here. She cant afford the place she is in now she has to have a room mate if she is there or somewhere else so it isn’t going to make a difference either way. IF she leave there and gets one to move somewhere else or if she finds one to stay there.

A year or more ago she could have filed for all this why we were there and she sat there and didn’t. She come up with every excuse in the book to not file for it. On top of it made until no one could stand to live there with her and took advantage of it all the way around. When I was there I hadn’t not even a dollar to get gas with from trying to keep on top of all the bills and pay stuff. I couldn’t even walk out of the house to get away from her. God forbid if you did go out of the house to go to the store or something when you came back in it was don’t touch this don’t touch that don’t watch here go watch there you may have picked up whatever the bug was going around at the time. I couldn’t cook dinner without being told don’t put the meat here don’t touch that you touched the meat the kitchen needs bleached down 100 times because you took the meat from the freezer out of the pack and dumped it in the pot never laid it any where or touched anything but it still needs bleached down. I can’t live that way. We are clean and I make sure not to cross contaminate but I am not extreme ocd about things and I am not living that way. I wouldn’t do it and it would be a big fight why she was in there on top of me why I was trying to do something bleaching the kitchen down. Then she start oh the bleach was close to this or that it may have gotten in there through it away and cook something else or whatever. It just goes on and on. She won’t take anything to help her with it and I am not living with it. I don’t have to and I won’t. At this point I had to go somewhere I don’t know where me and the kids would go but it wouldn’t be there.

She is my mom and everything but you can’t help someone who don’t help their self and you don’t help someone who cries for the help but then has to have it 100% her way and make life miserable for everyone else. When she is in my house I just tell her this is how it is and if you don’t like it then there is the door you don’t have to be here no one is forcing you to stay here you are here because you want to be or need to be and we are helping you. This is how we do things and this is how its going to stay what you decide to do is up to you and fine with me.

Everyone say oh that’s your mom you can’t just put her out or tell her to leave whatever. But I am not putting her out I am just letting her know that this is my house she can stay but this is how things are and we are not changing how we live and do things because they aren’t how she wants them done. It is up to her to stay or go and if she goes that is no her no one told her she had to. You can’t walk in anyone’s house and tell them how to do things and just take over.

I am just stressing because I didn’t want to take more loans and really thought I would have a job by now and be ok. I hate taking loans right now because I know I am going to need loans later to help pay for classes my grand will only pay for so much and I used part of it before to pay for school. But I really have no other chose and don’t know what else to do other than take out another one.

I also feel that I can’t just pack my stuff and take the kids and go there because if I do I am never going to get things straight for me and the kids. If I keep giving my place up and going to stay with someone when things aren’t working I am never going to get things worked out for good once and for all. I will just keep going in the same circle. I can’t do that i have to work things out once and for all and get me and the kids on the right track and able to make it with out worrying about this once a year or every few years.

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