{August 28, 2015}   Foreign Language

I want the kids to learn a foreign language so I have been trying to figure out what to teach them or to let them pick. I want them to learn sign language I know. My big boy knows some and we have learned some together as well. But we still don’t know enough to really use it. Last night I was thinking about it again my son wants to learn Chines, I have no idea what my daughter wants to learn yet. My two little ones at this point will learn whatever we pick or if the older two do two different ones then they can pick one of them. I started thinking what if I did a different one every two years with them. Maybe not focused so much on reading it and writing it but learning to really speak it and understand it. My two little ones could learn 3 to 5 by the time they made it to high school age. My older two could probably learn two. I figure then when they reach high school age they could pick the one they really liked and we could work more on reading, writing and all that part. Maybe with my two older ones they could pick another they wanted to study and study it for the 4 years to learn it all. My younger two would probably have one they really liked since they will have picked studied more by the time they get to high school. If not they could pick one and study it for 4 as well to learn it all. I think it is grate to learn to speak at least more than one. I figure we never know where our kids will end up or decide to do in life and learning them now might just help them out. Everyone keeps saying oh teach them Spanish its the mail one everyone speaks. But I want them to learn something they want to learn.

I want to learn German, Spanish and sign Language. He wants to learn Chines and Spanish I who know what my oldest will want to learn. Hopefully the two older ones will agree on something together they like. The two little one don’t care they will go with the flow and learn whatever the rest are learning.

{August 26, 2015}   Feel Like A Kid In A Candy Store

Is it crazy that I am so excited as I pick out the kids curriculum for this year? Last year we did unit studies I printed off line and some on line stuff. This Year I am buying their stuff with lessons and lesson plans already put together. We just open and start learning. I am so happy that my son got his scholarship and I am finally able to use it. After tons of research and pouring over everything I have decided on the biggest parts of what we will be learning I think.

We are going to be using a set called Sonlight, it will cover History, Bible, Language Arts, Vocabulary, Reading and I am also getting Science from them. It just comes in it’s own pack you buy extra.

I was really excited when I seen what I clicked on for Science. I was just looking at the age range on them and trying to decide what age range I wanted to start with. I picked one that looked like it fit a good age range and grade range for the kids. When I open it to see what it covered I didn’t even have to look at any others, I knew it was what we would be using this year. We will be learning about Health, Medicine and Human Anatomy. I had been looking at unit studies and things to teach about the human body. But I wanted to go into more detael than what most cover. This covers everything I wanted to cover and breaks it down just about the way I was looking at breaking it down.

I like it to because it isn’t just giving them a text book and tell them to read a chapter and do questions at the end. It is about 65 different books between the two sets that they will be reading and doing their lessons from. I just hope it last them the year because of the way they read. I figure with having to stop and do the lessons it should slow them down at least a little I hope. It’s nice because both kids will use the same two sets for the year they are put together to work with age and grade ranges. With them only being 20 months apart makes it easy to school them together. I don’t think my big boy will have a problem doing the work or keeping up but if he dose he can always work at his pace and she can keep working at hers. If it takes him two years to do the set that is ok too.

They are excited as I am to get started. I can’t order for a couple of weeks. I am going to see if father of the year can order it and I can go ahead and get it on its way because we like to start the day after labor day. They will let you order and make payments if he is able to do that then I can pay it off in couple weeks when I get money. I would just let him pay for it since he isn’t doing anything else but if I do that and he messes it up and don’t pay for it or something I will have a mess. I want to be able to order from them again later.

I can’t wait for them to get it and start I know they can’t they have been asking. I think this year is going to be a good year.

Then I think wow this is what life has become, I am excited over ordering curriculum to teach my kids at home instead of sending them to school. When did this happen? Private school and home school were two things I was never going to do. Private schools just seem to shelter and coddle the kids to much and home school was even more sheltered than private school kids. We have now ran the course of all three and I don’t know if we will ever go back to either of the first two. God sure open my eyes up and showed me.

I almost forgot I bet you are all going where is the math don’t they need to learn math and maybe some spelling. Of course they do and they are going to be. We decided to go with life of Fred for math and all about spelling for spelling.

I can’t wait to decide what to use for my two little ones yet. That will come in the next day or two.


{August 25, 2015}   Week From Hell

Ok maybe it wasn’t that bad buy pretty close to it. My 4 classes started on the 17 and most had things we had to do and turn in with in the first three days. Some how I got locked out of my email and had to wait 4 days or more for the school to fix it because we aren’t allowed to reset our passwords ourself any more. My aid pages have been messed up, one I can’t see, one says I have holds, one says I don’t. Some how I ended up locked out of the school system over all trying to get them to fix everything else. The email said it was sending something to the person who is supposed to fix it. I emailed aid and they said to get in touch with IT they didn’t know what to tell me about why the aid page was messed up. I decide to send IT a ticket about the aid page and tell them I need my email and the school site fixed at well. I tell them I am locked out of everything even though I never changed passwords they they have to email me at a different email. I call and talk to them they don’t fix the email problem then I tell them about the aid page they say use another browser we don’t know. I have had to email them again about it I have tried 3 different ones it is the same in all of them. I guess the IT people are deaf and blind, because they email me back and say try a different browser firefox should do it. Hello I told them on the phone I tried that one and I told them in the email I tried that one and the other two I have tried . We are still going around bout the aid page. I finally get into the school site and my email, low and behold I have like 20 email from IT telling me I am not responding to them. UM HELLO I told you I am locked out of my email why I am emailing from a different one.

As if that wasn’t bad enough my internet went down for a day and a half. I called them and they are telling me they are telling me oh yeah there is a problem we can’t send anything or get anything from your router. I tell her I have 4 classes of work to be turned in two of that has to be turned in by the next evening. She says oh we can send someone Monday. This on Saturday after noon. I said Monday won’t work I need my internet to work I have called yall about this before and you still haven’t fixed it most time it is out a few minutes comes back this has been a day and a half just about I need it fixed now. I know they can send people I know people who have called because they their cable went out or their internet went out they send them right out. They sent someone to my moms house three times in one day. She says let me see if I can get it to work and messes it with it more. I tell her I have unplugged it plugged it back in I have left it unplugged for the night plugged it in. Her solution is unplug it and I will tell you when to plug it in. I humoured her and done it. She then says oh no we have to come out there oh look your lucky we have something between 4-6 pm tonight we can come. Then when we are about to hang up she says if you want try unplugging it for an hour or so and it may come back up. I didn’t mess with it. I left it so it be just like it has been I didn’t want them to say it’s working now if it did come back for a few minutes and not want to try figure out what was wrong or fix it. The guy came in messed with it and went outside. He came back in a while he said he replaced the line from the poll to the house and the line inside and replaced the modem and all the wires. I don’t know how or why but he said he lost my old network so he had to set up a new network.

I finally got on line then had to go in and download the office prgram and this lab program that I had already done twice before. The first time I loaded it all on my lap top to find out that it won’t work on my lap top. I had to down load a free trial of the office program because I couldn’t get into my email to download it. The lab i had downloaded a trial because I wasn’t sure I was going to keep the class or drop it I didn’t want to use the code if I was going to drop it because I couldn’t return the it. By the time I got from being locked out of everything and able to try it all I had to go put in the code and down load the other because it was on a new computer and the time had ran out to return the code.

I have two classes due on Sunday by 11:58 and then one Monday and one Tuesday. I got my last things turned in about 2 am for all my class. I’m just glad it all got in on time because I had done nothing but the first 3 day stuff before Saturday night with everything going on. I am so tired I just want to go pass out but everyone went to bed really late and for whatever reason was up early today. I am hoping they will not take a nap and go to bed early tonight because they have been way off on their sleeping. I have to drag myself in there and make something quick for dinner. Keep them up for at least another 3 1/2 hours then send them to bed. Of course by then I will have gotten my second wind and be ready to go the rest of the night.

{August 20, 2015}   Locked, Blocked, & Not Answering

Do you answer your door during the day if your home alone or with just your children if you have them?

Do you not only lock your door but block it at night when you go to bed?

Do you have something in your home for protection? Do you keep it by your door?

I am part of a few different mom groups on line and this has come up more than once and I was surprised by the answer. Then while talking to friends and family it has come up and they have said the something.

Most all who responded said that if they are home and their husbands are not home they do not answer the door if they don’t know who it is. We aren’t talking in the evening after dark the middle of the night nothing like that. We are talking in the morning or after noon. It don’t matter if it is a man or women. they just let them knock.

I found this to be very odd that so many people do not answer their door. It isn’t because they aren’t interested in what someone maybe selling or the fact they maybe asking for money. Their number one reason for not answering the door when their husbands were not home is because it could be someone just trying to get them to open the door so they can get in.

I understand wanting to be safe and protect your kids but I also feel there is a fine line between protective and paranoid.

No I do not answer the door every time someone knocks. There are times I let them knock and leave. About the only time I do not answer my door is if we are laying down. Then I don’t care who it is, I’m getting my little ones to sleep and trying to have a few minutes to recharge and get some things done. Other than that the only other times I haven’t answered it is because I knew who it was and didn’t want to deal with them or talk to them at the time. Other than that I tell them just a minute put the dogs away and answer or get a hold on the dogs so they don’t run and answer. I’ve never really thought twice about opening the door to see what someone wanted. Never have I thought oh they might try to come in. I mean I know it is a possibility but I don’t not answer my door because of it or assume that anyone that comes to my door that is what they are there for.

Thinking about it the only person I know of who didn’t answer there door when people came was my grandma when I was growing up. But we also lived down a little dirt road with only a handful of houses and most people didn’t know there were houses back there so I can kind of see her not answering to just anyone. But even then I thought it was odd.

When things like this have come up a few say they block their front door at night with a chair. Where you can put the back of a chair under the knob to make it hard for someone to open the door or keep them from opening it. First off that is why they have locks on doors. two that’s great if it makes you feel safer, but what about the other doors in your house? Most people have back doors and a lot have sliding glass doors. Three if they really want in even if you block all the door you have windows and windows break. So unless you have no other doors in your house ( I think that is fire code violation most places) or windows then your chair isn’t really much more help than the locks on the door. Now you have blocked your door or doors if you think to do them all. Now their is a fire every second counts you can hardly see and you have yourself and everyone else in the house to get out. Not only do you now have to get the door unlocked but now you have to get the chair wedged from under the knob. Worse yet there is a fire and your child can’t get to you but can get to a door and get out, can they undo the locks and get the chair out of the way?

Yes a fire might be over thinking a little just as blocking the door to keep people out is. But I think the likely hood of a fire is probably more than someone breaking into my house. I haven’t done research so I don’t know 100% on that. But for me and my family even with our crazy stalker person, I feel better knowing that if my kids needed to get out of my house in the middle of the night if they make it to a door they can get out without having to worry about a block I put there. I also feel safe to say that I don’t worry about someone coming in because I would hope I would hear them coming in but if I didn’t at least the dogs would know they were in and bark and things before they had time to get to where we were in the house and I would have time to get up and know something was going on.

When this topic comes up of course the topic of protection comes up. I can’t count how many people say I have something right beside my front door in case I need it. That might work if you are answering your door and someone comes in or tries to come in. But what good dose that do you if your across the room or in some other room of the house and someone walks in your front door? I know of two different people it did happen too. One was a guy who been drinking and just went in the wrong house the other was someone that the police was out searching for. The lady left her door unlocked didn’t know it he just tried the door and it open he walked in. It was middle of the night he probably thought she be sleeping or not home. She was sitting there watching tv. Either of those situations this person is now between you and the door your quickest way out of the house in that room and they are now between you and your protection. And my question is why do you need your protection by your front door if you don’t answer it to anyone that you don’t know anyway?

I understand wanting to have protection in the house in case because things do happen. But really think about where you keep it if you are that worried to start with. Once in awhile I will make sure I have something but when I do I keep it on me or close enough I can just reach over and pick it up without even getting up from where I am. That may be a few times a year if something has been going on with our crazy friend we haven’t been able to catch. Like when they turned my dog lose and had miss treated her and set off my alarm. Then yes I feel that there is something going on and good possibility someone is trying to or may try to get into my home. I’m not going to sit there blindly and wait to see what happens if they do. I also don’t feel that my dog is going to protect me if they get in. Because just like us dogs are living breathing things that can be injured or killed easily and lets face it if they know you are home and still coming in and know you have a dog and could have a gun or anything else. They are set to do something to someone when they get in an it isn’t to give them the publishers clearing house check, it’s to hurt someone. If they don’t care to hurt someone do you really think they are going to care what they do to your dog? I don’t think so. I don’t count on my dog to protect us I know they will let me know something is wrong and they would try to but may not be able to. I think a lot of people have a false since of security with dogs in that thinking.

Over all 98% of the time I am not worried about having protection close or thinking about protection where it is. I don’t feel that I have to think that everyone that comes to my door maybe out to busting in and doing who knows what. Don’t they say that a lot of people who break in homes to steal stuff come to the door and knock to see if anyone is home before they break in if they can’t tell if they are or not? There for by not answering your door and acting as if you are not home are you not then putting yourself at higher risk of them thinking your not home and trying to break in? Where as if you just answer the door they see your home they come up with some bullshit excuse for knocking and move on to the next house. Just like the recording of the little boy who didn’t answer his door a few weeks ago because he was home alone. the guys thought no one was home and broke in, he hide in the closet and called the police. They seen him before he knew the police was there the guy ran out they had the house surrounded. Not saying kids should answer the door when no one is home because no I do not think kids should ever answer the door if they are alone. But just using it as an example of people knocking not getting an answer and there for going ahead and breaking in.

I know things are bad or worse different in some areas than others and some people have good reason to be worried. But over all for so many people from all different areas to be so scared to answer their door in the middle of the day just seems so crazy to me. Maybe to because it is just me and the kids and if I didn’t answer the door because my “husband” wasn’t here my door would never be answered. But I just couldn’t believe how many people really don’t answer their doors and feel that unsafe. I have never really felt that unsafe in a area and I have lived in some not so great areas.

I also found it very amusing that the same people who think that I live in a bad area and wouldn’t live here and talk about how good or nice of a area they live in, are the same ones who feel that the locks on their doors aren’t enough and block them at night as well. If the area is so nice and such a good area to live in why do you feel so unsafe in your own home?

{August 18, 2015}   Walking Yet Again

Went out yesterday to take care of some things only to end up walking home 10 minutes after leaving the house. I stopped to get gas in the front of the neighbourhood. I got back in the truck started it and stepped on the break to put it in gear, I noticed when I did it felt funny. But wasn’t really thinking about it. I pulled up to the stop so I could pull out on the street and when I stepped on my break it went to the floor. There is like a little hill or slope there so the truck stopped we didn’t roll into the road. I put it in park and tried the break a couple more times and nothing just air and straight to the floor.

I slowly backed up and got it over to the side into a space. There was no way I could drive it home even at that point. If I hadn’t been just barely rolling along it wouldn’t have stopped at all. I had to wait for it to stop on it’s own.  Thank god I had a stroller in the back for my little bitty. We walked over to the plaza to the part start to see how much parts were. We thought it was the master cylinder. They $139.99 and had to order it. I called around and got prices on the way home and found it way cheaper somewhere else. I just didn’t have away to get there. Well I called father of the year and told him the truck was stuck up there because I needed to get it out of there before it got towed by another company and I couldn’t get it back.

They let him go and pick it up after the call he was on and bring it home since it was only a few blocks away. When we got it here and checked it all out it is the main break line that runs the frame body. He bought the parts I was surprised and brought them over to fix it. Got it all together today and it is still doing the same thing. My friends husband came over and looked at it, he said the tool to flare the ends of the pipe was messed up so it didn’t do the flare right. He took the tool to trade it out for a new one since it is his. We can’t do that until tomorrow so now I am three days without my truck.I am so stressed I can’t call anyone about a job or go see about any if they call me because I have no ride. He was off today and tomorrow if it don’t get fixed tomorrow who knows when I will get it back.

I had to walk to the book store today to get a code and book for the classes I am taking. They started yesterday and I have stuff due by tomorrow evening. I was going to get them yesterday and that happen. Thank god it isn’t far. It only took me 25 minutes to walk up there get the stuff and walk home.

I am so tired of walking I just want it to be fixed and not have to worry about it any more. there is another one or two lines about to go on it as well. I don’t have money to get them. I paid the bills today and have nothing left. My friends said he had some line at the shop he is going to get and bring tomorrow when he brings the tool back so I don’t have to buy it. They have it laying around from other jobs they do because you have to buy it in sticks of so much.

{August 16, 2015}   My side of town


They must have came to my side of town. If you read my post from yesterday Got to help your self before asking for help you’ll understand and know what I’m talking about. Even funny father of the year drives a tow truck.

Would it be bad to just pack all my shit and move away without telling anyone until we are where we are going and moved in? I just want to get my divorce find a job work until tax time and do just that. Everyone wants to make plans and go together, my mom wants to go and make this big plan and go. She has had this plan for years and it never happens then says it’s because we never went. We bought a house we paid or bills and bought a vehicle we needed this year whatever she can think of.

We had talked for years about moving she say tax time I said I wanted to wait until May when the kids got out of school not change them a month or two before the end of the year. She didn’t like that. Then we say we were going to do it and it would never get talked about again. Or it be brought up but nothing ever planed.

When we bough our house we both had good jobs here and things were going good. We talked about it before we bought our house and no one said anything about wanting to move still. She was working and had things going on and never brought up moving. We liked our jobs they were jobs we thought we were going to be in for a while, rents were out rages and we wanted the freedom to have pets, paint do what we wanted with the house so we bought one.

I never said anything to her about moving it is topic of conversation all the time but always just talked about. I decided that I was going to move the first of this year, had checked on trucks and arranged to get one, been looking at places and jobs. I was in the process of calling people in the area to try and line up a place to stay and possibly a job. Then we found out my dad was sick and only had 3 to 6 months to live. Of course I wasn’t going to just say see yeah we’er moving. I was staying here to be with him and help him. They said 3 to 6 months so I paid my rent up for a while, and decided that while I had the money to invest in a better vehicle for me and the kids since ours had broke down. I figured I rather invest in a new one (New to us) than put more money into fixing what we had since we weren’t going to be moving. I rather put it toward something we needed and would keep us from having to get one in a few months or year when we didn’t have as much to put toward one or have to buy one and put off moving because of it.

She acts like that was the worst thing in the world that I didn’t take that money and leave. Like I was supposed to just say oh well sorry your sick I’ll call you or something. Yes passed early but by that time I had already paid my rent up and paid other things and done things that we needed that if I had known we were going to move I wouldn’t have done. The money was gone I couldn’t get it back.

She calls me again today telling me how we need to just move over there and how much the bills are and the rent and blah blah. I just listen to her because we go through this about every day or two.

She acts like my place is so horrible, if you heard her tell it we live in a shack lucky to have running water and lights. Oh and we are in a horrible area. If you listen to here you would think we have to doge bullets go from the house to the car and can walk out of the door to do anything in the yard or we will be shot dead in seconds or have 50 people injecting us with drugs.

She telling me if she has to come over here and stay she is scared to be here. That she isn’t staying here in the day time by herself or staying here and watch the kids why we go to work. How she is scared to come over here and go to sleep at night.

I will be the first to say I do not live in a area with million dollar houses. But I also do not live in a horrible area. Is crime in our city high yes, is there a drug problem yes, but it isn’t just our city it is the county. The county over all is not a great area. Where I live I can say is your average middle class area. Everyone around me works and takes care of their families and minds their own business. I don’t have to deal with fighting and parting, we don’t have people complaining about every move you make. I see lots of kids out playing. That’s our little area do we back up to some streets and areas that aren’t the best yes but we don’t have problems from it. A few times I have seen or heard the helicopter flying or the police in in the area like they are looking for someone. But I never see them find them here and you can really have that happen anywhere. My kids have walked out of my house and left my front door wide open and we have left for 6 hours or more with laptops, tablets and new computer sitting right in site and nothing missing. Not we make that a habit but they have ran in to get something after we got in the truck and didn’t close the door or one thought the other did. I now make sure I am the last out and it’s shut and locked.

But if you hear her talk about it I wouldn’t have gotten out of my driveway before there were people in my house taking everything I had when they seen the door open. She has problems I know and she needs something but her problems she is scared to take anything and won’t she feels she is in the right and this is just how it is. She telling me I shouldn’t get my divorce right now I need to wait us all live together to have more money in a few months so that we can move. Well if I do that then we still can’t move in a few months because then I am going to be dealing with my divorce and all though he says he is going to do it he has in the past and never did. He says he isn’t going to fight it he always comes up with something to stop it. So I may as well get it started and done with now. If he dose it great it will be simple and easy. If he don’t then I guess we will be fighting it and it will take how ever long it takes. But at least if it is that way hopefully it will be done by the first of the year.

She is just as passive aggressive as he is really when it comes down to it. They both want everything just so. When you have lived all your live with someone like that and then marry someone like that and live for years. You don’t want to go back and live that way for any reason. You struggle and do anything you have to to stay out of it. Even if it means having to live on loans until you find a job and repaying them.

Like I told her I give up my house or lose my house once again because he can’t do what he needs to do pay his bills. When I am doing everything I can to take care of me and the kids and keep us a place. It is everyone else who are asking me for help but then only wants you to help them the way they want you to. They aren’t willing to compromise and then tell you how your in the wrong because you won’t give up your house and move in with them and pay their bills so they don’t lose theirs and pay them to watch your kids. It’s not even like she owns the house or buying the house and needs some help for a little bit so she don’t lose it. She is renting just like I am. She is in a two bedroom condo. I have a 3/4 bedroom house with a yard and things. She tell me they have that big area in the front to place here. Its a parking lot her they have a yard and outside toys and things to play with. I just don’t get it how someone can say help me but give up your house your pets your room and move your family into two bedrooms to do it. When they are one person who needs help. She is so ready to move she keeps saying well if we don’t I can’t get somewhere else in a decent area for this price that’s nice. If she is so dead set she is moving it shouldn’t matter. If everyone goes or no one goes if she wants to go then she should go when she gets the money. If I figure it and have enough money I’m going even if it is just me and the kids. I don’t care any more. If they all keep on I may go and do just that leave them here and tell no one when I go until I am there.

She started about church again today and wanting to go. She has a truck she could driver herself. I can’t help it she don’t want to drive more than to the end of the street to get somewhere and can’t or don’t want to drive out there in traffic. Again her problems if she got something for them she would be fine but she won’t because of what may happen if she takes something. I can’t help that then.

She gets mad I won’t drive 10 miles the opposite direction from where I am going to pick her up and drive 23 miles back the other way to take her to church then drive her home and turn around and come back home. There is no reason she can’t drive herself. If she would take something. Today she ask me if I knew this one church had 4 locations now one is about 5 to 8 miles away from her. I said yeah and she says I was thinking we could try it there and maybe grandma and grandpa would come. She says she wants to go but don’t know where or know anyone. That is close to us and and them. Yes it is close to her not so close to them but not horribly far. It is a little far for me probably farther than I go now to go to church. I said I like our church where we have been going. Well you won’t come and get us and take us don’t want us to go. I thought if we all started going there they would maybe come. No, No I don’t feel like driving out of my way spending my gas and time to pick them up and then drive all the way back to go to church then take them home. Even if she would drive to me and she could ride with me the rest of the way but she isn’t even willing to do that. I have 4 kids to get up and get ready to go and we slide right in the door minutes before they start most the time. Last time we were almost half hour late. She is never ready she waits until you get there to get ready which means that I would have to be there an hour before I needed to be just to maybe get out the door to get there on time. Then she complains  your going to fast to slow down watch for this watch for that don’t go this way go that way. So I would have to get there about two hours before we needed to be there to have time to drive there after she got ready. I don’t know anyone who is going to do that.

Again I know she needs something for some of this stuff but I can’t make her go get it and I can’t rearrange my life to help her because she won’t go help herself. It isn’t like she is trying she is getting help. She isn’t she just sits there like father of the year and waits for someone else to do it. Only difference with her is she calls and cries and complains and tries to guilt you into it and tell you why you are so wrong and the only right way to do anything is her way and what works to her advantage and then cry and boo hoo because she don’t have this or that and can’t have this or that and no one wants to help her and no one comes around and she has no where to stay or whatever it is at the time.

Wow if you got this far great for you. I just got off the phone with her and am just so pissed off with her and farther of the year right now. I feel like I am the only one trying to help myself and do better and finally have some kind of plan in place and working on it and that everyone is just trying to drag me down back into this never ending circle. I am so tired of trying to do what is best for everyone and being screwed in the end or me and my kids miserable in the end and just getting tossed back into a situation that isn’t good for us. I am tired of trying to drag others along through life and worrying about others. Every time I do something like that I end up miserable and unhappy, I end up depressed and in a really bad spot and just in a rut doing nothing but just getting through my dad. I am finally feeling like I have a life I am doing more than just getting through my day. I feel like things are turning around for me and the kids and that if I do this I am going to lose all the the little bit of ground I am gaining and going to end up in the same spot I was before I got this place over there with them ready to jump off a bridge and forget it all. Ok maybe not that bad but if you dealt with this kind of stuff you know what I mean. But I am the one who tries and help everyone and make sure everyone is ok and I know it isn’t right and that she needs to be willing to compromise to but I still feel guilty. Like I am in the wrong. But I know I’m not, I am pretty much the only one who is still willing to help her. My sisters husband refuses to let her stay there. A lot of it is him but some of it is her too. My brother she may hear from twice a year if she is lucky She call ask him to help her with her car or to move something he never comes because of the way she is. I can’t keep feeling sorry for her and doing this at mine and my kids expense. I feel this is it, it is now or never for me and them. This is my test if I really want this I need to put my all into it and run with it while I have jobs calling me I have a house I don’t have to worry about making enough to get into one, my rent is way less than anything around me if I move it is going to go up hundreds and put me back into a jam. I know I have to move from here the first of the year I am not sure how or where to at all. But I also feel ok with that and that if I stick to what I am doing and do what I have to for me and my kids it will all work out and fall into place. I feel if I don’t and I go over there and do what she is wanting in a few months I will be right where I was few years go at this time before I got this place and this time next year I will be sitting in the same spot I am in now trying to figure out how to pay the bills and get the divorce done and not getting help with my little one because farther of the year is in the house. I know I will be to stressed to keep doing school, and go to work living there. It will be do what she wants when she wants how she wants answer to her all the time.

{August 15, 2015}   20 Day Count Down Begins

Father of the year has been at his if I would just give him another chance blah blah again the other night he started texting me out of no where. How things weren’t his fault and how he tried and is trying. Telling me how I changed, I settled, oh and my favourite I threw us away first chance I got.

If I got out the first chance I had or first reason I could find, I would have left when I fought with him for two years to get me and our daughter our own place to live so we weren’t living with someone else. And we had our 2 nd on the way.

He started about me seeing other people after he moved out and I slept with someone else then dated someone. How that didn’t say much about me. Yeah you know what I did have a “friend” for a short time and then I met some one and had a relationship. I don’t see anything wrong with that at all. He knew I was done he had his chance to fix things and keep us together. I went to counselling with him and everything else. There was nothing left. Dose he really think that if I really had feelings for him that in the last 3 years I wouldn’t have given him another chance or at least fucked him once in a while since I’m not seeing anyone else. Hell why not he is still my husband since he stopped the divorce. How many years dose someone have to not have anything at all to do with you before you realise they really don’t have any feelings or anything for you? I mean really, how many people going to be in the situation that we have been for this long and have nothing to do with them if they had feelings for them? Look how much he tries it be to easy to just say ok. Then he says I miss you, I miss being close to you and being intimate with you. I said yeah that’s what you miss the sex. He said no it’s more than that. Couldn’t come up with anything else that didn’t come back to sex. Like I told him only time he wants to talk to me is when he wants sex. Got to where it was the same when we were together, he come home from work not speak to me all night high how are you, how was your day, how are kids, kiss my ass nothing. But then soon as we were both in bed he pawing all over me and pushing me to have sex.

Then he says how I’m just itching to have the party life and that is all that seems to matter to me. I have no clue what he is talking about there. Anyone I know can tell you I have my kids with me 24/7 and even when they go with him once in a while I am sitting at home doing the same stuff I always do. Once in a great while I may go out. If I go out once or twice a year alone even if just to dinner it is a lot. Because I am always home and doing stuff with the kids.

He started how I was cold hearted and put up a wall with the kids. Because I have been getting onto them and trying to get them back on track. They don’t want to do anything they are told. They don’t want to help around the house and things. He complains about it all the time but dose nothing to try and change it.

Then it was how he don’t feel good and how I attack him for not helping. I had said something earlier in the day about him not paying support or helping make sure the kids have what they need.

Then he started ignoring me and telling me he was sleepy and had to get some sleep and drive the truck. Give me his famous we will talk about it later. Because he didn’t want to answer my questions or hear what I had to say. I said yeah later like every other time you say later. No really we will. Well its been a few days and we haven’t talked yet. I brought it up the other day when I seen him I got the I have to work I need to do this and I’m not avoiding it, excuse after excuse. I said it don’t matter, I just wanted to point out that yet again you say later and later hasn’t come like all the other times you say that didn’t happen.

I said well here I am having my say why your here and you can’t say you didn’t get my message, didn’t understand, wasn’t sure what I was talking about or whatever excuse you may come up with. Because I am going to spell it out make it very clear right now and I am not going to bring it up later I just going to sit and wait and do what I decide to do in the end.

I told him that he has until next Wednesday to get the papers form the court house fill them out and turn them back in. Then he has 15 days from there to get in contact with them and have a court date. He is off next Tuesday and Wednesday so he has two days to get there get them and get them back. Then they tell you to wait at least 10 days to call and get a court date.

I told him if he dose not get the papers turned in to start the 10 process by then I will get a lawyer, if he dose and thinks that is all he is going to do and not have to worry about it and it will slid for ever again he is wrong. Because if it goes past 15 days I will start looking for a lawyer.

I told him it isn’t anyone’s fault but his that he screwed up at work and had 2 or 3 accidents that he is paying for, it isn’t anyone’s fault that he lost his position because of them, that it isn’t anyone’s fault he don’t have his license straight, money to put his truck on the road, pay his own bills, or that he isn’t helping make sure that his kids have the things they need. It isn’t anyone’s fault that but his that he has put us in the position of possibly losing our home again, that it isn’t anyone’s fault he hasn’t followed through with what we agreed upon from day one when we were supposed to split the bills work different shifts and let us both save money get jobs so that we wouldn’t have to pay daycare and so that we both could get our own places. He did the things he did and he did them the way he did for whatever reason and now he has to live with that. That it is time to grow up be a man and quit blaming everything on someone else. I also told him it wasn’t anyone’s fault that he stopped the divorce and has not fixed it like he was supposed to. That is when I told him if he didn’t I was getting a lawyer.

I told him that I am having to take loans and go into debt to make it and slide by because he isn’t doing his part. That if I was going to take out loans to do that then I was going to be taking out extra this time to pay a lawyer to get this done and over with once and for all, that he let this drag out until now we been married well over 12 years. That if I have to pay a lawyer to once again clean up his mess he has made and left for someone else to take care of I was going to see to it that I got paid for doing it. I told him I am going to tell the lawyer I want anything and everything me and the kids are entitled to and the judge will give us. I’m not going to play nice and say just help me make sure the kids have what they need and things are paid or help out here and there when we need it, or just pay child support and forget everything else. I did that and look where it has gotten me.

He didn’t say anything he just had this look on his face like he was stunned that I said it and worried, like he knows I really mean it and going to do it if he don’t get it taken care of. He knows right now I can get the money and if he had to pay for a lawyer he wouldn’t be able to so he would be in court on his own. He knows that his family has had changes in their situations and most likely can’t and would’t help him. Right now I have the upper hand and I plan to use it if he decides to ignore it and hope that it goes away.

{August 14, 2015}   Can’t Decide

I read about this new call center opening in the city next to me. It isn’t really new I guess they have an office about 40 or so miles away from me, now they are opening this one that is only about 10 miles away. I decided to apply they had all positions open. I didn’t see anything open for the office next to me so I applied on line to some I thought were it. They turned out to be somewhere else.

Yesterday when looking at jobs I seen they posted for the jobs in the town next to me. It said to go to their site and reply, when I did all was listed was the ones farther away from me. I decided to email my resume to the person who posted the listing. I sent it told them I was interested in the positions they had open and the experience I had. That I was trying to apply for the new office but it wasn’t listed on the site listed in the posting. Asked if I should be looking under something different.

They responded and said that they on’y had phone positions open right now and that they would like to have me apply for that since I had experience. She said to apply to the one farther away they didn’t have the other one listed because it wasn’t open and that training was in the other office. The new office will be open in two to three weeks. She said to let her know when I finished the application.

I did the application and sent her the email. In a few minutes I got a call from someone telling me they open up something on line to go on and do their test.

I was in the middle of doing the test when they called. When I was done I emailed to let her know that I had also finished that part.

With in a hour or less I got a phone call telling me that they wanted me to come in on Tuesday for a welcome orientation and telling me about the job. Only thing I am a little worried about was he said it was for the other location. I told him how she told me it would be for the new one. He said he looked I applied to the other. I had to explain to him that I emailed been talking to the lady and our conversation. I thought of the ladies name and he seem to know who she was right away. She is one of the head ladies I guess. He said if I talk to her and that is what she told me to do then I would be in the new office and to make sure I told them that I talk to her when I came in Tuesday and let them know I was only there for the information/welcome meeting whatever they call it and training and then was to go to the new office once it open and who told me that.

The way he talked if I dress like I am supposed to and have my two forms of id I have the job. I know call centers will hire just about anyone willing to do the job and have high turnover rates. But I haven’t seen any openings for this one they have been around for awhile, and they train you pay for you to get your insurance license and background checks. So maybe better than others to work for I don’t know. I worked for another center for almost two years and even had them ask me to please come back after I quit and found another job. I figure it is something and the base pay is decent. I can do it until I move or something better comes along. They also have different companies and centers and things all over the place. I could maybe even transfer to somewhere else when I get ready to move if there is one close by where I am going.

Now I have to decide if I want to take this one if it is offered or go with the driving one if they call back. They both have pros and cons. I have to decide what one to take asap because the other guy said I should hear back early next week. I figure if I don’t hear form him Monday I will by Tuesday. The way this one talk I will know Tuesday when I leave if I have it and start the 24 th. I think they both have advantages in the long run as well.

The on I already interviewed for is $40 to $70 more pay off the top. I have company truck no driving my truck, paying gas wear and tear on it. It is Monday through Friday unless something happens. It’s salary and I get paid weekly. I would go in early so I would be off by mid afternoon. I be travelling around to different stores so seeing different people meeting new people things.

The draw back is I will be up and out of the house between 2 and 3 am. It is all driving all day for about 10 hours. Finding a sitter that can be at my house at that time of the morning.

The other job probably won’t start before 9 am, I would get my insurance license show more office type work,

It’s less pay, it’s tied to a phone all day, work until 9 pm most likely, probably have to work on Saturdays, wanted to know if your open to a varied 24/7 shift, I have to drive my own truck, be putting wear and tear on it buying the gas, sitter til 9 not much different than trying to find one to come at 2/3 am for me.

I have to figure out what one I am going to do before Monday and I start hearing back from people. I guess if I only hear back from one it will make it easier because I have to take whatever I can get at this point.

I also got a call about another job tonight. They did phone interview and said they would call back to set up for me to come in and talk to them. But it isn’t even a option if I get one of the above two. The lady from the daycare said she would be letting people know this coming week as well but I still take one of the above two instead. I also have been  applying for others every day as well.

{August 13, 2015}   Went to My Big Interview

I went to my big interview that I have been waiting for today. I feel it went really well, it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable like a lot of them are. I found it really easy to talk to the guy and I don’t have to do much talking. He did most the talking telling me all about the job. I don’t think he left anything out but how to work the handled computer its self.

He gave me the application when I got there had me sit in one area to fill it out and said to come over to the other area when I was done. After he told me all about it we talked for a few minutes about the route and hours dress code and things. Then he acted as if we were done and he was going to get up. I picked my purse  up and started to get up and he turned around started going through these folders. He gave me another stack of papers to fill out. He said he didn’t normally have people fill this packet out unless he made an offer of employment, but he was going to go ahead and have me fill it out since he wasn’t from here and they decided to call me back. He said that way he could just send over the paper work for drug testing and we could go from there.

I asked if he wanted me to go over to where I filled out the application and bring it back in case he had someone coming after me. He said no just do it there, no one is here yet and they wouldn’t be ready anyway if they were. I sat there and filled out and we talked a little more while I did.

I asked if a lot of people applied for the job. He said he had 6 interviews. He said well I had a lot apply but only 6 that I wanted to talk to. I just said oh I figured you had a lot, most jobs in this county are in the south end of the county. I can see them listed tonight apply in the morning they say they had 30 or 40 people sometimes more apply. I was just fishing for information see how many people he was considering. So I made it to the top 6. I figure a few of them may not even show up for the interview either.

I am really hoping he calls me back, it seems like a really decent job. It is the it starts out at good salary and then you get a $25 a week raise after 90 days if they keep you. He said you get bounce for safety as well every so often if you don’t have any accidents or damage property at places.

I figured it out and even without the $25 increase, I can pay all my bills and daycare for the month and still have money left over. Not a ton but it’s better than most I am applying for where I will nearly break-even or end up owing money in the end. This is the job I have been wanting and looking for.

I told my mom the other day I was going to apply for it and she started with her 101 reasons why I shouldn’t. Then today we were talking about it and she started. It works out to $11 or more a hour depending on how many hours it takes to do it. He said around 10 hours probably with the two days out of town being my longest two. If I am right here close to my house in my county, I think once I get it down I can have it done in 6 to 8. I would’t do it and all that driving, it’s a hard job, and you have to go out of town, lifting stuff. She just went on and on. Then she says when you were talking about it before it was going to cost you to work full time. I said yeah but this job pays almost twice what most jobs I am finding pays so yeah I can pay daycare not have to worry. I also do not have to worry about wear and tear on my car or gas because I will have the company truck to go to and from. I will save in gas.

She just gets on my nerves, always something negative to say or 100 reasons why you shouldn’t. Then when I said that to her before she acts like she don’t know what I am talking about or why I would say such a thing.

et cetera
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