{August 15, 2015}   Got to help yourself Before asking for help

Would it be bad to just pack all my shit and move away without telling anyone until we are where we are going and moved in? I just want to get my divorce find a job work until tax time and do just that. Everyone wants to make plans and go together, my mom wants to go and make this big plan and go. She has had this plan for years and it never happens then says it’s because we never went. We bought a house we paid or bills and bought a vehicle we needed this year whatever she can think of.

We had talked for years about moving she say tax time I said I wanted to wait until May when the kids got out of school not change them a month or two before the end of the year. She didn’t like that. Then we say we were going to do it and it would never get talked about again. Or it be brought up but nothing ever planed.

When we bough our house we both had good jobs here and things were going good. We talked about it before we bought our house and no one said anything about wanting to move still. She was working and had things going on and never brought up moving. We liked our jobs they were jobs we thought we were going to be in for a while, rents were out rages and we wanted the freedom to have pets, paint do what we wanted with the house so we bought one.

I never said anything to her about moving it is topic of conversation all the time but always just talked about. I decided that I was going to move the first of this year, had checked on trucks and arranged to get one, been looking at places and jobs. I was in the process of calling people in the area to try and line up a place to stay and possibly a job. Then we found out my dad was sick and only had 3 to 6 months to live. Of course I wasn’t going to just say see yeah we’er moving. I was staying here to be with him and help him. They said 3 to 6 months so I paid my rent up for a while, and decided that while I had the money to invest in a better vehicle for me and the kids since ours had broke down. I figured I rather invest in a new one (New to us) than put more money into fixing what we had since we weren’t going to be moving. I rather put it toward something we needed and would keep us from having to get one in a few months or year when we didn’t have as much to put toward one or have to buy one and put off moving because of it.

She acts like that was the worst thing in the world that I didn’t take that money and leave. Like I was supposed to just say oh well sorry your sick I’ll call you or something. Yes passed early but by that time I had already paid my rent up and paid other things and done things that we needed that if I had known we were going to move I wouldn’t have done. The money was gone I couldn’t get it back.

She calls me again today telling me how we need to just move over there and how much the bills are and the rent and blah blah. I just listen to her because we go through this about every day or two.

She acts like my place is so horrible, if you heard her tell it we live in a shack lucky to have running water and lights. Oh and we are in a horrible area. If you listen to here you would think we have to doge bullets go from the house to the car and can walk out of the door to do anything in the yard or we will be shot dead in seconds or have 50 people injecting us with drugs.

She telling me if she has to come over here and stay she is scared to be here. That she isn’t staying here in the day time by herself or staying here and watch the kids why we go to work. How she is scared to come over here and go to sleep at night.

I will be the first to say I do not live in a area with million dollar houses. But I also do not live in a horrible area. Is crime in our city high yes, is there a drug problem yes, but it isn’t just our city it is the county. The county over all is not a great area. Where I live I can say is your average middle class area. Everyone around me works and takes care of their families and minds their own business. I don’t have to deal with fighting and parting, we don’t have people complaining about every move you make. I see lots of kids out playing. That’s our little area do we back up to some streets and areas that aren’t the best yes but we don’t have problems from it. A few times I have seen or heard the helicopter flying or the police in in the area like they are looking for someone. But I never see them find them here and you can really have that happen anywhere. My kids have walked out of my house and left my front door wide open and we have left for 6 hours or more with laptops, tablets and new computer sitting right in site and nothing missing. Not we make that a habit but they have ran in to get something after we got in the truck and didn’t close the door or one thought the other did. I now make sure I am the last out and it’s shut and locked.

But if you hear her talk about it I wouldn’t have gotten out of my driveway before there were people in my house taking everything I had when they seen the door open. She has problems I know and she needs something but her problems she is scared to take anything and won’t she feels she is in the right and this is just how it is. She telling me I shouldn’t get my divorce right now I need to wait us all live together to have more money in a few months so that we can move. Well if I do that then we still can’t move in a few months because then I am going to be dealing with my divorce and all though he says he is going to do it he has in the past and never did. He says he isn’t going to fight it he always comes up with something to stop it. So I may as well get it started and done with now. If he dose it great it will be simple and easy. If he don’t then I guess we will be fighting it and it will take how ever long it takes. But at least if it is that way hopefully it will be done by the first of the year.

She is just as passive aggressive as he is really when it comes down to it. They both want everything just so. When you have lived all your live with someone like that and then marry someone like that and live for years. You don’t want to go back and live that way for any reason. You struggle and do anything you have to to stay out of it. Even if it means having to live on loans until you find a job and repaying them.

Like I told her I give up my house or lose my house once again because he can’t do what he needs to do pay his bills. When I am doing everything I can to take care of me and the kids and keep us a place. It is everyone else who are asking me for help but then only wants you to help them the way they want you to. They aren’t willing to compromise and then tell you how your in the wrong because you won’t give up your house and move in with them and pay their bills so they don’t lose theirs and pay them to watch your kids. It’s not even like she owns the house or buying the house and needs some help for a little bit so she don’t lose it. She is renting just like I am. She is in a two bedroom condo. I have a 3/4 bedroom house with a yard and things. She tell me they have that big area in the front to place here. Its a parking lot her they have a yard and outside toys and things to play with. I just don’t get it how someone can say help me but give up your house your pets your room and move your family into two bedrooms to do it. When they are one person who needs help. She is so ready to move she keeps saying well if we don’t I can’t get somewhere else in a decent area for this price that’s nice. If she is so dead set she is moving it shouldn’t matter. If everyone goes or no one goes if she wants to go then she should go when she gets the money. If I figure it and have enough money I’m going even if it is just me and the kids. I don’t care any more. If they all keep on I may go and do just that leave them here and tell no one when I go until I am there.

She started about church again today and wanting to go. She has a truck she could driver herself. I can’t help it she don’t want to drive more than to the end of the street to get somewhere and can’t or don’t want to drive out there in traffic. Again her problems if she got something for them she would be fine but she won’t because of what may happen if she takes something. I can’t help that then.

She gets mad I won’t drive 10 miles the opposite direction from where I am going to pick her up and drive 23 miles back the other way to take her to church then drive her home and turn around and come back home. There is no reason she can’t drive herself. If she would take something. Today she ask me if I knew this one church had 4 locations now one is about 5 to 8 miles away from her. I said yeah and she says I was thinking we could try it there and maybe grandma and grandpa would come. She says she wants to go but don’t know where or know anyone. That is close to us and and them. Yes it is close to her not so close to them but not horribly far. It is a little far for me probably farther than I go now to go to church. I said I like our church where we have been going. Well you won’t come and get us and take us don’t want us to go. I thought if we all started going there they would maybe come. No, No I don’t feel like driving out of my way spending my gas and time to pick them up and then drive all the way back to go to church then take them home. Even if she would drive to me and she could ride with me the rest of the way but she isn’t even willing to do that. I have 4 kids to get up and get ready to go and we slide right in the door minutes before they start most the time. Last time we were almost half hour late. She is never ready she waits until you get there to get ready which means that I would have to be there an hour before I needed to be just to maybe get out the door to get there on time. Then she complains  your going to fast to slow down watch for this watch for that don’t go this way go that way. So I would have to get there about two hours before we needed to be there to have time to drive there after she got ready. I don’t know anyone who is going to do that.

Again I know she needs something for some of this stuff but I can’t make her go get it and I can’t rearrange my life to help her because she won’t go help herself. It isn’t like she is trying she is getting help. She isn’t she just sits there like father of the year and waits for someone else to do it. Only difference with her is she calls and cries and complains and tries to guilt you into it and tell you why you are so wrong and the only right way to do anything is her way and what works to her advantage and then cry and boo hoo because she don’t have this or that and can’t have this or that and no one wants to help her and no one comes around and she has no where to stay or whatever it is at the time.

Wow if you got this far great for you. I just got off the phone with her and am just so pissed off with her and farther of the year right now. I feel like I am the only one trying to help myself and do better and finally have some kind of plan in place and working on it and that everyone is just trying to drag me down back into this never ending circle. I am so tired of trying to do what is best for everyone and being screwed in the end or me and my kids miserable in the end and just getting tossed back into a situation that isn’t good for us. I am tired of trying to drag others along through life and worrying about others. Every time I do something like that I end up miserable and unhappy, I end up depressed and in a really bad spot and just in a rut doing nothing but just getting through my dad. I am finally feeling like I have a life I am doing more than just getting through my day. I feel like things are turning around for me and the kids and that if I do this I am going to lose all the the little bit of ground I am gaining and going to end up in the same spot I was before I got this place over there with them ready to jump off a bridge and forget it all. Ok maybe not that bad but if you dealt with this kind of stuff you know what I mean. But I am the one who tries and help everyone and make sure everyone is ok and I know it isn’t right and that she needs to be willing to compromise to but I still feel guilty. Like I am in the wrong. But I know I’m not, I am pretty much the only one who is still willing to help her. My sisters husband refuses to let her stay there. A lot of it is him but some of it is her too. My brother she may hear from twice a year if she is lucky She call ask him to help her with her car or to move something he never comes because of the way she is. I can’t keep feeling sorry for her and doing this at mine and my kids expense. I feel this is it, it is now or never for me and them. This is my test if I really want this I need to put my all into it and run with it while I have jobs calling me I have a house I don’t have to worry about making enough to get into one, my rent is way less than anything around me if I move it is going to go up hundreds and put me back into a jam. I know I have to move from here the first of the year I am not sure how or where to at all. But I also feel ok with that and that if I stick to what I am doing and do what I have to for me and my kids it will all work out and fall into place. I feel if I don’t and I go over there and do what she is wanting in a few months I will be right where I was few years go at this time before I got this place and this time next year I will be sitting in the same spot I am in now trying to figure out how to pay the bills and get the divorce done and not getting help with my little one because farther of the year is in the house. I know I will be to stressed to keep doing school, and go to work living there. It will be do what she wants when she wants how she wants answer to her all the time.

thefeatheredsleep says:

I can relate. Well said xx

[…] must have came to my side of town. If you read my post from yesterday Got to help your self before asking for help you’ll understand and know what I’m talking about. Even funny father of the year […]

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