Random Thought # 1

The longer I have to wait the more I wish they had just kept my and did this operation last week when they decided it needed to be done. They have left me with way to much time to think about it. I do not want any surgery no matter what it is for. They told me at 5 weeks I may need a c section with my second baby. I told them he could stay in there, there would be none of that. Just like telling the doctor the other day I have had my gallstone for a few years now we are just fine together. But this is causing me so much pain and hurting so bad, like I said in my other post I would cut it out and hand it to them myself at this point it is causing so many problems.

The other day I was sitting around thinking about this and how they say they are just going to go in cut it out and biopsy it. I thought who was just sitting around one day and thought oh I wonder what would happen if we cut someone open and took this or that out of them? And who said oh sounds like a good experiment use me? How would anyone think oh I have all these body parts but I wonder how many and what ones you can take  out and still live without them? How did they react when they took something out that a person couldn’t live without and it killed them? Or they started to go? Oh guess we know now not to take that part out make a note and spread the news? Not only that but what about something to knock these people out and make sure they don’t feel the pain? Someone had to think of these things and make them.

I keep telling myself that it is just a little thing and they do this all the time now and that it is a simple operation. But then I think why is there tissue growing on it, where did it come from, what is it? I think about where it is in my neck and it’s right by the main artery that runs along your neck. I think wow if they do everything with these small little incisions now days how are they going to see that and not hit it? How are they going to have room to move the tools around? It seems like the size of an egg or golf ball, how is that going to come out of a little cut they make or even a few? I tell myself it’s going to be fine and really I am not all that worried about it one way or the other like you would think I would be or should be. I just have all these random thoughts more out of curiosity than worry or being scared. I want it over with because it hurts I walk around with pain in my face and head all day every day for over a month now. I have missed a bunch of work over it and I need to get back to work. I need to be able to go back as soon as they call me and tell me they have something and I need to be applying and trying to get something in case they don’t call back. But I don’t want to go get a job and then have to tell them oh I have to go get this done so I am going to need two or three days off or maybe more. I rather have it done and out of the way. It makes me feel sleepy all the time as well. I just hate the way it makes me feel and the way the meds make me feel.

 

Three Weeks Later

Three weeks after telling us they were going to tell us next week we finally have answers about what is going on at work. Today was most peoples last day to work because the project closes tomorrow and very few people work tomorrow. They started calling us in around 10 in groups of about 20 to tell us what was going on. We were the first group in, I was surprised by that we are normally the last ones for everything. They told us they had not told us anything because they didn’t know anything and basically they still really don’t. They have a bunch of letters for work signed and people calling but not contracts. They are waiting for the lawyers to go over the contracts and that one contract the company was sold to another company so it was on hold. They said that there was on client there at the time I know they were there yesterday as well looking around and going over things. I think it is for brookdale. They have about 30 computers set up for them on the floor and he said they were asking how many more they could set up for them like that. I was told they already picked up 20 more people to work than they had asked for to start with. My boss says they have not started training for those 20 and don’t know who the 20 are going to be but she was putting my name back on the list or going to tell them again.

They said that one company wants 700 people so it would have to be given to other centers not just ours because we do not have room for 700 computers and people by any means. But it would be work and keep everyone who is there on. They told us to check for work from home stuff with them to hold us over and that if we wanted to transfer to another center in another state we could. They said they are supposed to know something by Wednesday of next week but I will not hold my breath and expect that. I think we are going to have a two week break at least before training and things start for something else. The large project decided they didn’t need as many people so this one is good because even it wasn’t as large as this one. If all the others dropped this would still keep everyone there.

The week or two off is kind of a welcome but at the same time it really sucks right now, I would have had every bill paid in full and not owed anything at all and had money in my pocket if I had been able to work all month like I was supposed to. Now I am juggling stuff around and just trying to stay a float right now. I did get all but two hours this week and I have about $355 in bounce money. Only thing that sucks about that is they tax it at 33% so they will keep $100 of it. But it is better than nothing.

They also told everyone that if they clocked out and went home early or did not go by their hours or didn’t come in tomorrow if they were supposed to that they would not get their $300 bounce. We were wondering how they were going to get people to stay if they called them in and tell them all this. But then they also came around and started asking if anyone wanted to take VTO, volunteer time off. They said it wouldn’t effect our bounce. I put my name on the list I was feeling sick and hurting. I think the pills and things I am having to take are really messing with my stomach. I was just so tired of sitting there we been sitting there doing nothing for months now it is really starting to get to everyone. I thought they were going to let us go earlier than they did but they never let us go until around 2. I had just about decided to stay there but decided I needed to go and call doctors and things. Then my friend got off too so we went to lunch. I had a call earlier in the day but didn’t know the number. I was on the floor so I couldn’t check it. We are not allowed to have our phones out or anything like that. I keep mine in my jacket pocket, the way it is made I can glance in and see who called or if someone text to make sure it isn’t about the kids.

I called on the way to lunch and it was the surgeons office that I found yesterday. They said they were able to get the paperwork they needed from my doctor and the rest of my test and things. They said it was being reviewed and it cut her off. I am going to call them Monday if I don’t hear from them and see if they can see my sometime Tuesday or Wednesday. If they do I am going to see if they can do the surgery Friday. If not then by Tuesday at least. I want to get it done and healed so that if they call me back to work and so that I can apply at a few places I know of and get back to work a fast as I can.

I wish it was done but the doctor they gave me at the er who said she would do it wouldn’t take the insurance when I called the next day. Then I tried to go to another one I found and got into it with the office lady for being so rude and nasty. This is a group of three doctors they work out of the hospital I don’t want to go to but they are the only ones I can find. I figure if I feel the doctor knows what he is doing then I am not going to stress about the hospital I will be in and out in the same day so not to bad to deal with if the doctor is good.

I told them today too that I was working on getting it done and they said it wasn’t a problem they would work with me.

Funny The Way Things Happen

Random thought I had from nowhere today, my now best friend is supposed to be moving away at the end of the month middle of next depending how things work out with school for her. We talk or text about every day but have not seen each other in a while or got to spend anytime together. We use to go once a week and find something to do for a while, but then we both were in school and I didn’t have my truck because of the accident. By the time I got my truck back she and I both had started working and going to school still at the same time. I have the weekends off and she works all weekend and has a couple of week days off. We are trying to make time to see each other now before she goes away. She is hoping that they take and do this operation in the next week or two so that she could go with me and be there.

I got to thinking about when we started to talk and go places together. I wasn’t sure what to think, how much to trust her or close to get to her. I meet her through RC, her husband and him worked together and knew each other for a long time and they were all friends and close. They knew his ex-wife and had tried to be friends with her and things. I didn’t know if she was just trying to get information and keep tabs on me for him or to try to help him pull something and try to get the baby. Right after I left from the place me and RC were staying together and I went back to my house she called me and wanted to know what was going on and things. I told her everything and everything that went on how he went on his trip came home and what all he said I found out he been planning this all along. What he said about the baby and thing. I figured if she was trying to get info for him let her go back and tell him I didn’t care I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. She was shocked and mad then started telling me how he borrowed stuff from them and when they went to get it back he head and refused to even come out and talk to them or anything. How he came straight to the shop and talked to her husband and told him all this shit that supposedly happen between me and him and why I wasn’t there and had moved. Like he was bragging about what he did and her husband jumped his ass and told him he thought it was really shitty and how he was wrong and that he needed to grow up and start acting like a man and I don’t

know what all. I am glad he went and ran his mouth and told him whatever it was he told them because when I told them what all went on they knew I was telling the truth. I didn’t make anything up I didn’t try to make anything out to be anything more than it was or wasn’t and told them just how it was so they knew they could trust me.

But anyway I was thinking about when we started talking and how I would take my older kids to school pick up the little girl I was watching and head to pick her up for the day to go do whatever we were supposed to do and I would be half way there and she would call or text me and tell me she couldn’t go she was sick and this or that happen and she couldn’t go. I would be so mad because I took the time to get all the kids dressed and ready and got them out of the house and spent my time and gas to get there or half way there for her to tell me she wasn’t going. If I had known I could have done something else or wouldn’t have had to make the kids get ready and stop whatever they were doing to go out. But most the time when she would do that I would just go ahead up that way since we were all ready and out. I would go by and pick my dad up and we would spend the day together running around doing things and take the kids and do stuff with them. I had got back into the habit or routine of seeing my dad all the time again and really doing more with him than I had in the past in a long time because of it.

I got to thinking would I have really spent that much time with my dad or started going around and seeing him as much again and would my kids have gotten to spend all that much time with him as they did the last couple years before he passed if she hasn’t decided at the last-minute to not go? I use to see my dad all the time at least two or three times a week until me and RC got together and father of the year moved in with him. I still seen him a lot but didn’t spend the time with him like I had in the past. Him living with my brother and not having a place of his own made us have to go out and do something because me and my brother didn’t get along and I did not go in his house. I would pull up and pick my dad up and we would go find something to do and he did not mind so much because it got him out of my brother’s house and away from there for a while since he didn’t have a car. It was hard to for the time he was with father of the year and with my brother because he didn’t have a car. When he had a car if I wasn’t at his house he would be showing up at mine. So him not having a car made it hard because if we did want to do something or for him to just come over and spend sometime I had to go pick him up and bring him back and then run him all the way home. I didn’t mind doing it, it’s just that the extra time it takes to run back and forth I didn’t always have. I may have time to see him or do something if we could meet up or he wanted to come by the house but I didn’t always have time to go pick him up and have time to still do anything.

So I guess her not being able to do things those days were some ones way of making sure I spent some time with my dad before everything happened and my kids to get to spend time with him and make memories.

And in the end gave me a friend to be there by my side when I was going through everything with my dad and now whatever happens with me in the next few weeks. It is going to be hard when she leaves. I know we can still talk and text all the time but it just isn’t going to be the same knowing she is so far away and I can’t just get in the truck show up and kidnap her for the day when I do have free time and I

Random thought I had from nowhere today, my now best friend is supposed to be moving away at the end of the month middle of next depending how things work out with school for her. We talk or text about every day but have not seen each other in a while or got to spend anytime together. We use to go once a week and find something to do for a while, but then we both were in school and I didn’t have my truck because of the accident. By the time I got my truck back she and I both had started working and going to school still at the same time. I have the weekends off and she works all weekend and has a couple of week days off. We are trying to make time to see each other now before she goes away. She is hoping that they take and do this operation in the next week or two so that she could go with me and be there.

I got to thinking about when we first started to talk and go places together. I wasn’t sure what to think, how much to trust her or close to get to her. I meet her through RC, her husband and him worked together and knew each other for a long time and they were all friends and close. They knew his ex wife and had tried to be friends with her and things. I didn’t know if she was just trying to get information and keep tabs on me for him or to try and help him pull something and try to get the baby. Right after I left from the place me and RC were staying together and I went back to my house she called me and wanted to know what was going on and things. I told her everything and everything that went on how he went on his trip came home and what all he said I found out he been planning this all along. What he said about the baby and thing. I figured if she was trying to get info for him let her go back and tell him I didn’t care I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. She was shocked and mad then started telling me how he borrowed stuff from them and when they went to get it back he head and refused to even come out and talk to them or anything. How he came straight to the shop and talked to her husband and told him all this shit that supposedly happen between me and him and why I wasn’t there and had moved. Like he was bragging about what he did an her husband jumped his ass and told him he thought it was really shitty and how he was wrong and that he needed to grow up and start acting like a man and I don’t

know what all. I am glad he went and ran his mouth and told him whatever it was he told them because when I told them what all went on they knew I was telling the truth. I didn’t make anything up I didn’t try to make anything out to be anything more than it was or wasn’t and told them just how it was so they knew they could trust me.

But anyway I was thinking about when we first started talking and how I would take my older kids to school pick up the little girl I was watching and head to pick her up for the day to go do whatever we were supposed to do and I would be half way there and she would call or text me and tell me she couldn’t go she was sick and this or that happen and she couldn’t go. I would be so mad because I took the time to get all the kids dressed and ready and got them out of the house and spent my time and gas to get there or half way there for her to tell me she wasn’t going. If I had known I could have did something else or wouldn’t have had to make the kids get ready and stop whatever they were doing to go out. But most the time when she would do that I would just go ahead up that way since we were all ready and out. I would go by and pick my dad up and we would spend the day together running around doing things and take the kids and do stuff with them. I had got back into the habit or routine of seeing my dad all the time again and really doing more with him than I had in the past in a long time because of it.

I got to thinking would I have really spent that much time with my dad or started going around and seeing him as much again and would my kids have gotten to spend all that much time with him as they did the last couple years before he passed if she hasn’t decided at the last minute to not go? I use to see my dad all the time at least two or three times a week until me and RC got together and father of the year moved in with him. I still seen him a lot but didn’t spend the time with him like I had in the past. Him living with my brother and not having a place of his own made us have to go out and do something because me and my brother didn’t get along and I did not go in his house. I would pull up and pick my dad up and we would go find something to do and he did not mind so much because it got him out of my brothers house and away from there for a while since he didn’t have a car. It was hard to for the time he was with father of the year and with my brother because he didn’t have a car. When he had a car if I wasn’t at his house he would be showing up at mine. So him not having a car made it hard because if we did want to do something or for him to just come over and spend sometime I had to go pick him up and bring him back and then run him all the way home. I didn’t mind doing it, it’s just that the extra time it takes to run back and forth I didn’t always have. I may have time to see him or do something if we could meet up or he wanted to come by the house but I didn’t always have time to go pick him up and have time to still do anything.

So I guess her not being able to do things those days were some ones way of making sure I spent some time with my dad before everything happened and my kids to get to spend time with him and make memories.

And in the end gave me a friend to be there by my side when I was going through everything with my dad and now whatever happens with me in the next few weeks. It is going to be hard when she leaves. I know we can still talk and text all the time but it just isn’t going to be the same knowing she is so far away and I can’t just get in the truck show up and kidnap her for the day when I do have free time and I know she is home. I guess I will just have to start planning for a road trip for the weekend and start saving some money to disappear so I can show up and kidnap her for a day or two and we can spend some time together. With the price of gas it shouldn’t be do hard all I will really need is to have gas money and some money to eat on for the time we are there. We can stay with her while we are there and not have to worry about paying for rooms and things. If I still have my job I will start earning some sick and leave time once we move to our new jobs and have been on them for 30 days. Plus if I leave on a Friday and come back on Sunday I shouldn’t miss any time or just a day or two.

 

Made It To Work

I wrote this yesterday during my 12 hour shift since I had nothing else to do. I wrote it in my online word program because we are blocked from doing a lot of things online from our computers. I was starting to hurt a lot and wanted to eat before I laid down last night and forgot to come on and publish it. So I figured I should now. I am hurting and need to do some things so I may be back later or tomorrow.

I get to work today and my boss wasn’t here. I talk to one of the other ladies I work with and she said that one of the guys quite/got fired he caused a scene Thursday. She said they never told anyone this week what job they are going to be working on if they have jobs. They came in the other day and moved about 20 people who sit at the rows in front of us and told them to go find seats other places they needed their computers to set up for something else. They are now saying that there is a problem with the bookings campaign and they haven’t even signed the contracts. The medcare one they have not given the trainer anything to use to train his people and they are supposed to be training him. He iss putting everything together his self. They said something is going on and they are not telling anyone anything not even the leads. They are as much in the dark about everything as we are. They don’t know what jobs any of them have or if they are going to either. I said I know what my lead told me about jobs from the start, she stopped me and said yeah but now they don’t even know if they are going to do things like they told them or if they are going to do something different. I said yeah that is what I was going to say too the way they are doing everything now who knows if that still stands.

My boss finally came in at 1 this afternoon. She wasn’t all that interested in talking to me. I had to wait until she was done talking and things and go over and talk to her before I went to lunch. I said well I told you I wasn’t sick I have to go get this taken care of she was shocked. I told her that I needed to come in tomorrow and that I needed to trade Monday for next Saturday. She said I had to talk to the other lead about that. She turned around and ask him he said there was no more trading days. She said that they are telling everyone they have strict schedule adherence this week and no trading. She also had a copy of mine printed and had me sign it so I knew what it was. She said I know you know what it is but we have to have you sign anyway. I told her I was probably going to have to call in or be late/leave early I wasn’t sure yet. That my grandfather has to have this heart cath and maybe open heart done on Monday. She just said ok. I said so no one has said anything about jobs still she said no but they are supposed to be here Monday-Wednesday next week taking care of it all. I said they told us three weeks ago it would be that week then this week now next. She said I know something has happened.

I have a feeling they are going to come in Friday and tell everyone there is no work not to come back Monday. It really sucks but if they only had these three lined up and the biggest fell through they only need about 30 people for the other. That is going to put them at keeping very few and getting read of most. The one girl also told me this morning they came around with a note pad and wanted everyone to put their name and number on it. She asked why they said so that if they miss the lead can get ahold of them. She said well I always call the line and text her so I don’t need to do that she has my number. They said well we still need you to do it. She said it don’t make any since anyway your not asking for our 3 number they would need that too. Said they just said we just need your name and phone number for the list. She said it seemed like a list of names and numbers to have to call people back in to work later is what she got the impression it was because our leads have our names and numbers. The office has our name and numbers as well. But what they are not going to have a list of most likely are the people who are still here now those who got fired and those who left through out this. This way they have a list of who is here and now and that they would consider letting come back or bring back.

I really hope and pray that isn’t what is about to happen and that if it isn’t and they do it like they said they were to start with I am not one that is on the list to lose my job after missing the last few weeks.

She said before not to worry about it but then today she didn’t have much to say at all. Like the other girl also said today the leads are supposed to pretty much have the final say who stays and goes on their team but that is if they are still with their team at the end. If they come in and move them between now and when they decide what all is going on we are kind of out of luck. But this Saturday is it and there are only a handful of people who work Saturday so this Friday is it. Good, bad or other wise we all should have some kind of answers and idea of if we have a job if there is a break in between this one and it and how long.

I am stressed I need this job, it isn’t the greatest but the hours, days, and things all work really good for me. Plus it is more money than I am going to make anywhere else. I am already going to be making $120 a week less than what I started out as staying here but I can still manage. If I go somewhere else and am lucky enough to get 40 hours a week I will be making $198 less a week and that isn’t going to work because I won’t make hardly anything. I will have to find something from home I can do to because most everything I find isn’t even 40 hours a week. Most are 15 to 20 if you are lucky and then they want you there 5 days a week to get 20 hours. I could do two 10 hour days get it done but they don’t want that.

I am sitting here at work now I have been here since 8:46 this morning and still have an hour to go. At least with this new pain med I am able to come to work take it and still be able to work. It did make me really tired about two hours after I had taken it but I went walked around for a little bit and got a drink and was ok after that. If I take it then by the time I start to get tired I should have a break coming up and be able to move around for a little bit and be ok. I have very few of them they gave me way less of these than they did of the others so I hope they get me in to get this taken care of very soon as I can’t go back to being in pain. I just wish we could wake up and tomorrow would be Tuesday and we would all know something. I have never missed so much work anywhere in all the time I worked somewhere as I have the last few weeks. It is such a crazy and freak thing that has happened. I just want to know and tired of them putting us off all the time.

Surgery Next Week, Why Not

I ended up in the er yet again this week over whatever is going on in my face and neck on the right side. I have tried to follow-up with doctors or urgent care and no one will see me or help me. They tell me the end of March or just don’t call me back at all. I was in a lot of pain again Wednesday and the place under my jaw on my neck has not went down any after being on everything for a week. I know this is not an infection there is more to it and something going on. They just don’t listen. I finally got father of the year to come over here about 9 or 10 and took myself over there. I started to go somewhere else but really didn’t want to drive all that far and don’t like the one that is closest so the place I use is already a drive. It probably about ten miles so not really a huge drive but when you don’t feel good and your pain and it’s late 2 miles feels like 20.

I got there and they took me back in just a bit. They didn’t look that busy from the waiting area but they had a lot of people in rooms but it was quite and not a lot going on. The triage woman did what she needed to do once she got me to a room and then the nurse came in and talk to me. They were all different from when I was there the last two times. Then a physicians assistant came in to talk to me said she would be taking care of me and wanted to know what all was going on. I explained to her what was going on and told her I been there three times in three weeks and that I couldn’t get in to see anyone and this is really bad. She started saying so your throat hurts and you have pain…

I stopped her and said no this is the problem they are not listening to me my throat does not hurt I’m not congested. I told her this is outside of my mouth, in my neck, up the side of my face around my ear, all around my eye and above it and it is only on the right side not on the left side at all. That it is in my cheek it is in the skin or under the skin but not in my throat inside my mouth. That the only thing in my mouth that bothers me is my tongue hurts sometimes or the rough of my mouth. that even that isn’t like when you have a sore throat it’s like bruised. She looked in my mouth and then pushed around on my teeth. I didn’t even flinch. I told her I know my teeth are not good and need to come out but that I know this is not from my teeth, I have had problems in my teeth and this is not the same they don’t even hurt. She said a virus wouldn’t go away with the meds it would take it a little while. I said but how long? She said weeks. I said how many? She said if that is what it is then it should go down in about two weeks. I said this has been this way for over three. I said I come in here and they act like I am just here because my throat hurts and I can’t take the pain or something and that isn’t how it is or what is wrong at all. I said I don’t come in here because I have a cold or sore throat if it was just a sore throat I would be at home waiting it out and going about my day as normal. I said I don’t run in here because I stubbed my toe or something. I said if you look at anytime before the last three weeks that I have been here and it isn’t that often you will see in your records that when I have come in, in the past it isn’t for something small you all find two or three things that are pretty significant things wrong. When I told her that and this has been weeks she said it normally goes down in two weeks unless there is some underlying something going on. I think we need to look into this further and do some testing. She said she was going to go run it by the doctor and see what she wanted to do.

In a bit the nurse came back in and said they needed me to take everything from the waste up off and put a gown on. He said they want to do a CT scan of the head and that he needed to start an iv and get blood they ordered a big blood work up. I got the gown on and he came back in to do the iv and blood. I told him they get it out of the hand. He said but they want to do contrast I need to get it in the arm. I said ok and he looked and looked at my left arm. He then went to the right and looked all over. He said what if I start it in your hand to get the blood work going and I will check with them in CT to see if they can use the one in the hand and do the contrast or if we have to try to go higher up? I said that’s fine and told him that the last time they did contrast they did it with one in the hand because they couldn’t get the arm then either. But that I also had to drink a cup of contrast stuff and they put some in the iv. He said I didn’t have to drink the cup of stuff just the iv. I said oh that may, make a difference. While we were talking someone came by with someone from the room by me and he stopped her and called her in. She came around the curtain and he told her he couldn’t find a spot in the arm but my hand was good and if they could use that for the contrast? She asked what they were looking at and things and if it was something and he said no he thought it was just something else. She said yes the one in the hand would be fine.

He got it right in and got all the blood they wanted, I laid there forever waiting to go for the test. About and hour or two later he came and said they were ready for me in CT and took me over. I got in there she said my blood work has come back and they could do the test. I guess they were looking for something in it before they did the test. She hooked the iv up and did the test and took me back to my room. I asked the nurse how my blood work looked when he came in and he said it looked really good what all of it he saw.

Finally after another few hours the doctor came in and talk to me, she said the one who talk to me when I got there had went home. She said that they did the test and that it shows the lymph nod is very in enlarged. The way she talked it is larger than it should be even if I was just sick and fighting some infection. She said she thinks it is pressing on a nerve going up through my face and that is why I am in so much pain. She said my thyroid also looked enlarged and that I needed to follow-up and get test on it. But she said the lymph nod needs to come out and be biopsied right away. They are worried how big it was and how long it has been this way. I told them I had been sick since the week before Christmas and it was that way then but I thought it would just go away but after I got over being sick it hadn’t and then started causing me pain and things and that is when I came in the first time so it has been this way a month not just three weeks I been coming there. She said they seen that.

They wanted to keep me that night and do it the next day and get it out and tested. She had already called the surgeon and talk to her about doing it before she came in to talk to me at like 3 am. She said they told her that my insurance would not pay for it if they kept me and done it. They said I needed to go to my doctor and get sent to the surgeon and it had to be done as an out-patient or in the office. I think she said out-patient. They gave me information for somewhere I could go and get seen and get the paperwork to go to the surgeon. She told me to get up and get a hold of every one in the morning and get in to see them and get the paperwork to see the surgeon and call her. I got into see the doctor yesterday afternoon by the time I got out it was too late to get with the surgeon. I called them today and waiting on them to call me back. I told them they said it was critical that I follow-up with her in 2 to 3 days and that I have all the paperwork. She said they had to get information from the hospital and would call me back in a few minutes. I am figuring they will get my in right away sometime next week. The doctor at the er said when she talk to the surgeon she said to get all my paperwork and get right in to see her and they would set this up to be done right away. I will probably have to go in for an office visit next week then have it set up unless she will just look over all the test and set it up from that. I am just waiting to hear back what is next.

I just want it done and over I am walking around in so much pain every day and not able to take the pain meds and things. I told my sister and a friend of ours I would cut it out myself and give it to them if I wasn’t worried about bleeding too much at this point I am in so much pain. If they said they wanted to take my right toe off and it would make the pain stop they could have it. I can’t do pain in my face and head this way. I don’t know how I am going to get through the weekend I have to go to work and work all day tomorrow 12 hours shift and again Sunday because if I don’t I am going to have no pay check. With all this going on I have had to take care of it and been in so much pain. I am hoping that it being the weekend and so slow there won’t be to many people there and I can get away with not having to have the headset on my head all day. I can hold it and put it on if I need to or they can find something else for me to do or something. I don’t know what to do but I got to work and I got to make money. I have nothing coming in but my paycheck to pay bills with. Father of the year is working but I am sure he isn’t going to offer to pay anything knowing that I have missed work and going to miss work having to have this done. I pray that the pain goes away when they take it out everything goes smooth and I can go back to work as normal the next day. I am not worried about anything else as long as the pain has stopped I can keep it bandaged until it heals and go to work. I have never in my life missed so much work at one job in all the time I have been at one.

 

Is It Wrong

To feel such anger toward Father of The Year for all he has done, the way things are between us the way things turned out? He has been here taking care of the kids since I have been to sick to get out of bed much less cook or clean. They have been here because of his house being packed to move and him still not being able to find a place to move to and he has no bed for them because he had to send it back when he lost his job because he didn’t make payments on it even when he had money.

But like I said in my post Comfortable I have been missing that closeness and that feeling like someone cares. Him being here didn’t help any because just seeing him would make me so upset and mad that I am not getting that from him anymore and that he did the things he did and still does and could really careless. That he is still dragging out the divorce because he don’t want it and claims to have changed so much. I feel like he was my husband technically still is that he should be the one who I can go to and who should be there. It isn’t that I want him to be there now or still have feelings for him, it’s because I shouldn’t feel this way, none of this should have ever happened, things should not be the way they are between me and him. We should be a family still I should have been able to lay down with him at night and felt like everything was going to be ok. I should have been able to just go over and give him a hug during the day just to feel close and show that I care. I shouldn’t be sitting here wanting these things and be in this situation. This wasn’t how things were supposed to turn out and be. I never wanted to get married, I can’t remember ever wanting to get married. But I got with him and it meant so much to him to get married that I put my thoughts and feelings aside about it and done it for him. That’s what being together and getting married is all about right? Compromise and considering the others feelings and wants? We talked about it and I couldn’t see any real reason for us not to. I was with him had no plans of leaving or wanting to find someone else. I personally didn’t need a piece of paper to feel that our relationship was any stronger or better off, than if we didn’t have it. I wasn’t planing on going anywhere so no big deal to have it. I thought he cared and my wants and needs would be considered just as his were. But I learned fast after we got married that wasn’t going to be the case and never would be. It was all a act to get me roped in.

I would think how it use to be before sitting here thinking about all this and think about everyone saying oh you will get back together or it could happen or just give him another chance. Or I think of my friend who can’t believe some of the stuff he dose and says are your not giving him anything? You got to be giving him something once in awhile no body would just. I think she has figured out that no I’m really not doing anything at all for him. The thought of being close to him makes me feel so sick and nasty. I thought ok what if he really changed or why not give it a try and just see what happens and it just makes me so sick the thought of even touching him or him touching me for something as simple as a hug. It just seems so wrong after all he has done and said, the way he has treated me and does the kids now refuses to help get them anything they need. It almost seems like touching the devil, it’s something you don’t do or wouldn’t do. That’s how it really feels to me.

Comfortable

I don’t know why but the last week or so I keep thinking of this one night that I spend with my friend when I was going to his house. We laid down and fell a sleep him moving woke me up. I hadn’t even realize how we were laying. But I was laying with my head on him and my arms kind of over or around him then I had my leg over his. I guess his one arm was under me and he moved for something and I realize how we were laying and said something as I went to move. He said no I was fine and that he was comfortable then pulled me back to him as I was trying to move for him.

I don’t know why I have thought about that night a lot lately. Mostly how good it felt, I don’t know how to explain it really. It just felt so relaxed and stress free. How nice it felt to just be so comfortable with no expectations or worries just the here and now. Not worried about tomorrow, next week, next month or eve next year. Just being happy in the moment. I don’t know that I have ever felt so comfortable and relaxed in life with someone than I was at that moment.

I also miss the closeness all together right now between being sick, the kids being sick and trying to keep up with everyone and missing work. Father of the year has been here taking care of the kids thank god. I just feel like I’m at rock bottom right now and just want someone to care about me and take care of me for a change. I’ve laid in my bed for days feeling so sick and miserable. I keep thanking how nice it would be to just have someone to wrap up with and fall asleep with. How nice it would be to feel like someone cared and to care about someone else besides just the kids for a change. To have a give and take relationship in that area again someone to share things with again. Not just the bad but the good and the bad. I have just really been missing that connection with someone again lately.

I feel like I shouldn’t be worried about that or finding someone right now I have enough to think and worry about. Really I’m not it’s not like I’m looking or trying to find someone but I can’t help but feeling like something big is missing and that’t what it is. I guess it’s just natural to feel that way and want these things. It is just something that has been bothering a lot more lately than normal.

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