To feel such anger toward Father of The Year for all he has done, the way things are between us the way things turned out? He has been here taking care of the kids since I have been to sick to get out of bed much less cook or clean. They have been here because of his house being packed to move and him still not being able to find a place to move to and he has no bed for them because he had to send it back when he lost his job because he didn’t make payments on it even when he had money.

But like I said in my post Comfortable I have been missing that closeness and that feeling like someone cares. Him being here didn’t help any because just seeing him would make me so upset and mad that I am not getting that from him anymore and that he did the things he did and still does and could really careless. That he is still dragging out the divorce because he don’t want it and claims to have changed so much. I feel like he was my husband technically still is that he should be the one who I can go to and who should be there. It isn’t that I want him to be there now or still have feelings for him, it’s because I shouldn’t feel this way, none of this should have ever happened, things should not be the way they are between me and him. We should be a family still I should have been able to lay down with him at night and felt like everything was going to be ok. I should have been able to just go over and give him a hug during the day just to feel close and show that I care. I shouldn’t be sitting here wanting these things and be in this situation. This wasn’t how things were supposed to turn out and be. I never wanted to get married, I can’t remember ever wanting to get married. But I got with him and it meant so much to him to get married that I put my thoughts and feelings aside about it and done it for him. That’s what being together and getting married is all about right? Compromise and considering the others feelings and wants? We talked about it and I couldn’t see any real reason for us not to. I was with him had no plans of leaving or wanting to find someone else. I personally didn’t need a piece of paper to feel that our relationship was any stronger or better off, than if we didn’t have it. I wasn’t planing on going anywhere so no big deal to have it. I thought he cared and my wants and needs would be considered just as his were. But I learned fast after we got married that wasn’t going to be the case and never would be. It was all a act to get me roped in.

I would think how it use to be before sitting here thinking about all this and think about everyone saying oh you will get back together or it could happen or just give him another chance. Or I think of my friend who can’t believe some of the stuff he dose and says are your not giving him anything? You got to be giving him something once in awhile no body would just. I think she has figured out that no I’m really not doing anything at all for him. The thought of being close to him makes me feel so sick and nasty. I thought ok what if he really changed or why not give it a try and just see what happens and it just makes me so sick the thought of even touching him or him touching me for something as simple as a hug. It just seems so wrong after all he has done and said, the way he has treated me and does the kids now refuses to help get them anything they need. It almost seems like touching the devil, it’s something you don’t do or wouldn’t do. That’s how it really feels to me.


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