Why Tell

When I was talking to the therapist the other week about little bitty’s dad and brothers she said is it even worth telling her at this point? My mom still thinks I shouldn’t tell her and that I shouldn’t ever ask him for support and even told me she was going to be really pissed off at me if I did. Like her being pissed at me is going to make a difference.

But like I told the therapist she got three brothers out there two right here with in a few miles of us. I don’t say anything and she shows up with one one day. What am I supposed to say then. It isn’t at all impossible or not likely. They are not that far apart in age so the odds of knowing the same people and having some of the same friends are very likely. I mean what were the odds of them showing up at her office the same place we have used for 8 years? Besides that I feel she has a right to know who her father is and that she has other siblings out there.

It’s not like she isn’t going to ask at some point and time why her last name is different than the other kids. What am I supposed to say to that? Oh I just didn’t want you to have your “dad” last name or the same name as the other kids? Everyone thinks I should just let her think Father of the year is her dad.

My mom see’s nothing wrong with it because she never told my brother that his “dad” wasn’t his dad until he was 18 and then only because she was mad at him and his dad for something they done. So she told him well why you go do all this that really isn’t your dad anyway. I’m still not sure how that all came about or what happen. I guess she cheated on my dad and then they stayed together or they were split up and then got back together. My dad knew but no one ever told my brother.

Then you wait until something happens and you have to tell them or until they are older or adults to tell them, what dose that do to the relationship you have with them? The fact that you held off on telling them something so important and significant in their life? I feel like I been lied to well really you are lying to them by not telling them and letting them believe something else. I would have a hard time trusting or believing or having any kind of close relationship with someone who lied to me or kept such information from me. I don’t think I would trust them again after finding out. If you tell them as kids it is going to have a effect on them if you tell them as adults it is still going to effect them. I would rather be upfront and honest with them from the start as kids and help them deal with it and decide how they want to handle it.

Like I said I am sure she will start asking questions in the next year or so about her name and things. I will just be honest with her, that she has a different name because she has a different dad. Go from there with whatever questions she has.

Have You Ever Had A Dream

That you woke from a sound sleep to wide awake and can’t go back to sleep. A dream so bad you wake up in physical pain and feel like your going to be sick?

Thats the kind of dream I just had. My heart hurts, i feel like I’m going to be sick and I feel like the wores person in the world because of what happen and I don’t even know what happen. Its just asuming from what I seen in a few second dream. All that keeps racing through my head is why I didn’t do this or that and what happend and this forever scared and broken person sitting in front of me and the things that most likely happen to them. The look on their face and refusal to speak of the horre they just endured.

The hunting thoughts I had as I open my eyes and for a minute second felt releafe that it was only a dream. The thought of the dream I had off and on for a year or more about my dad and step dad. For a little while I kept dreaming that my step dad died and I had to tell my sister. At the end of my dream it wasn’t really him it was my dad. I kept dreaming that something was going to happen to him. Then the thought of other dreams  and how things in them happend.

I lay here try my hardest to not think about it and to tell myself it was just a drram that was probably only seconds long and that everyone is fine. But it don’t work. I feel like I’m being lifted off the bed and taken away from it but I only get so far and brought back down. Because there is no getting away from it.

Instently thoughts of not doing this or allowing that any more flood my mind while at the same time telling myself I can’t let fear of what if take over and rule our lives. It was just a dream. I just wish I could shake the feeling that something bad is to come. I wish my heart didn’t hurt and I didn’t feel like I’m going to be sick. I’ve never felt such a way after waking up from a dream.

How do you just forget it and go on when you feel like your hearts been ripped out and sat in front of you? Its broken and mangealed and hurting. You just want to put your arms around it hold it tight and tell it everythings ok, everythings going to be ok and your going to protect it. All while knowing everything isn’t ok, everything isn’t going to be ok and you failed misreably at protecting it from this how can you say your going to protect it now? How do you touch it when you don’t even know if it’s ok to touch it, it may not want to be touched, touching it may be to much for it right now with all it just went through, it don’t want to talk. It don’t have to you can see it all over its face, the hurt, the broken, the shame, the guilt, the fear, the unsertinety of what happen. You can see it already trying to stuff it all down and forget it, stuff it all down and not have to ever talk about it or think about it. The thought of just wanting to forget it and if it couldjust be forgotten and not talked about it would go away and it never happen. Your own feelings of just wanting to cry but be strong for them, wanting to rage and be angry but just feeling numb and like the world has just stopped and come crashing down on you. You know what you have to do and need to do but your frozzen there in that second unable to do anything with all your thoughts and feelings running through your mind and over you.

I lay her now in disbelife that such a fragment of a dream could be so real and leave you feeling such a way with so many thoughts.

Re:Speechless

Few months ago I wrote Speechless about my big boys therapy appointment.

Last week at therapy with my big boy the therapist said oh she knows now. I said who knows what? At the time I think we were talking about something to do with my little bitty. She said the boys their mom knows that you all see me too. I said what how?

She said that the other last time they were in they were talking about RC and said the boys mom said yeah and he is supposed to have this other kid out there or has this other kid out there and how she hopes he wasn’t bothering me and trying to cause me problems or get the baby and things like that. Said she said it a couple times and was talking about how he was and things.

The therapist said she just said he’t not and let her keep talking.

In a minute said she stopped and looked at her funny and said what? She said she looked at her and said he isn’t bothering her at all. She said then she looked at her and said wait you know? How do you know? Are you sure it’s her and his? Your sure he isn’t bothering her?

She said she told her she was 100% sure they were talking about the same child and that he was not bothering me. That Tville is very small that is how she knew and that she didn’t think she had anything to worry about because as far as she knew he wasn’t even in the state. Said she just looked really relieved then. She said that’s all I can tell you they are fine and he isn’t around.

I said I don’t think she has a clue what my name even is because I have never spoke two words to her. That I kind of thought she might try to look me up about the baby or something but that I figured she couldn’t because she probably had no clue what it was to even try.

She said she don’t she could tell by the way she was talking and things that she didn’t.

I thought about it later if she asked the boys what was daddy’s girlfriends name that had the kids and lived with you all at the apartment they would say Mrs. X and she would tell them no that was the lady who lived next door that went to their churches name, because me and her had the same name. She probably think they were confused.

It also told me that she must not be talking to my friend that I hung out with me and RC all the time and who was there when I had the baby. Because if she was I am sure it would have come up and she would have known he wasn’t bothering me and what happen there. She was with me when I seen him that night and things. I know she would have told her who I was all kinds of things true or not about me.

I am surprised she didn’t know he was out of state or still out of the state. They are like me they know a lot of people around. Well I guess they know a lot of people in town there but not really around the county like I do. If he came back he probably wouldn’t be back but a day or two before I would know because everyone would be telling me.

 

 

For All The World To See

It really shouldn’t but it really dose amaze me the things that people put on facebook for all the world to see. I don’t mean people who are friends of mine on there. I mean people who have their stuff set to public and then tell all. Today I made my 10 year old an account so he could link his game up to it and get stuff for a game he likes to play. I had made him one years ago but lost the information for it because it was never used. It was set up to use for games for friends of ours way back when. I made his account and went in to set everything on private and put it on lock down so just anyone couldn’t send him messages, friend request or see what he post. He is only allowed to have me his sister and grandma on his account, oh and father of the year I guess.

Well it pops up real big across the top of the page as soon as you log in people you may know. One of the first ones is RC. I was surprised because one my son has no friends so it isn’t saying it because they have friends in common or anything. Not sure how they decide he may know him really. He has a beard now, guess he started growing it end of July and don’t plan to shave until this summer. He had a couple pictures on there from October. He was out hunting he gotten a turkey. Guess he couldn’t get a job as a mechanic so he has started doing construction. He probably couldn’t get a job doing what he was doing because he either pawned and lost all his tolls or let them get re-poed when he left here with them and never paid for them or the box he got. I know the guy had found him and was sending someone after it. He didn’t just have a few tools he had thousands in tools. He had already paid off thousands and had thousands more he was paying on plus got this big new box right after me and him split up. But he needed them he worked on all kinds of cars and did anything and everything they needed done from motor work to body work to rebuilding, restoring.

Then I clicked on his girl friends page and was looking around. She is talking about her kids calling someone uncle and how they treated the kids and things. RC’s aunt ask if it is his brother? Well I guess he is staying with him and her and they are having problems with him. He is grown but from what he told me when we were together and what his sister said and what I have seen he has pretty much lived with his grandma and grandpa all his life and done nothing and they have taken care of him. Not sure how he ended up with them. But they are going back and forth talking on this post and she says something about someone using coke and then says they wanted her to use with them. Then she says you know when N ran away a about three weeks ago I swear if I could just have her back I would never do that stuff again. This is all out in the open where anyone and everyone to see in the free world rather they are on her friends list have face book or not. Just talk about it like it is nothing at all, like she talking about not eating cake again or something. Talking about how RC’s grandma didn’t like her and she hadn’t liked her from the start way back when they first meet and she found out she was pregnant with their daughter and things.

But I already knew that because RC told me about it when we were together. She is 5 years older than him he wasn’t even 18 when they met and got together. Him and his grandma got in a big fight he said and done some stupid shit and ended up leaving and moving in with her. Then he told me that he been living there for two or three weeks when she came home with two kids and he found out they were hers. She never told him she had kids or anything. they were older she had them when she was like 14 and 15. He was just about to turn 18 when they got together and they were together for a little while then split up and her dad and uncle came after him a few times and she wouldn’t tell him anything about the baby or anything. She told him it was another guy she was seeing and things. Shortly after they split he came down here with his mom. He never seen the baby or anything and then got hit with court papers and took a test and he been paying on her every since. We were talking about it and he was telling me he wondered about her and things felt bad about not being there or being a part of her life and things. That is when I told him to try to find her see if he could talk to her maybe go see her sometime. He didn’t right away but later when we were talking about it one evening he decided to months later. I thought I wonder why she wouldn’t like you, you sit here admit that you use coke your own mother has tried to take the kids from you and has in the past and talks about all that goes on in your house. I know his grandparents are not like that and don’t like it around or want any part of anyone who is into anything. Their daughter was that way still is and they raised RC and his brothers and sisters over it. I am sure they are not happy that their son ended up with someone like that and on pills himself. That is if they know about his problem. He may have it hiden from them like he has everyone else around here. Just like I told him when I seen her and he told me what her old man was like she was on something and it wasn’t just weed. You could tell by looking at her and the fact her old man was bad into the drugs and put her in icu and almost killed her and she still stayed with him. You don’t stay with someone like that who treats you that way and who scares your kids if you are not into something yourself and you don’t look like that because of what he did to you. But he is seeing and she just put it out there for everyone to see. I am going to screen shot it and file it along with other things that have been said by her, her mother and even her own daughters. This way if he ever does decide to come back and try to do anything I can say wait a minute you think I am going to let my child go around this women and these people when this is the kind of things that go on in their house out of their own mouths.

 

Random Thought Number 2

Am I the only one who can not type in the dark? I mean I can sit and type something up while looking across the room at something else or sit here and talk to someone and look at them and type whatever it is I am working on with no problem. Right now I am sitting at the computer but I am turned sideways with my feet propped in another chair wrapped in my blanket with the keyboard on my lap looking out the window trying to figure out what the lights outside are between the blinds.

But if I can not sit here in the dark with just the light from the computer and type. I have no idea why but for some odd and very strange reason if it is dark I feel the need to look at the keyboard while I type. even though I don’t need to look at it to type and do not look at it any other time while I do. So the kitchen light is on around the corner and to be honest I don’t think it is really lighting up the room enough to make a difference, I think most all the light that is lighting the room is from the computer but for my brain it works and I am able to type.

Always an Excuse

Since we haven’t gotten the divorce final yet me and father of the year have to file taxes together. We can each file our own but then we don’t get the credits we should filing that way. I get credit for school and the kids. If I file my own I will get less than $500 back. If we file together we will get back way more than that because we can get the credits. If he files alone he may even end up owing. But father of the year still owes a ton of money in student loans that he has done nothing about other than throw the letters in the trash when they come in the mail. Now if we file together they will keep all of it for what he owes in loans. I have been telling him for months he needs to fix it and take care of it. I have been telling him the last few weeks to call and get it take care of so we can file and he just says ok or his famose excuses. He don’t have time, he hasn’t gotten to it, he has to work, he stubbed his big toe. He gets off in time to call them but yet I have told him to call the last two days when he got off but he didn’t. Who knows what his excuse is for that.

He knows I need the money, he knows that I have been off work and probably will be for another week or two and that I missed work being sick and will probably miss some from having to have this operation done. I think he wants to just see us get put out again so we have to go back my moms. He knows I won’t do that and thinks that I will let him come back here to keep from having to go back to her house. He is stupid because he could use the money he is getting back too. He could get caught up on his bills and things. He don’t like it that it will let me take care of what I need to take care of and have some left to put up for savings if I get back to work. He don’t ever want me to have any money at all extra and if I am behind and trying to play catch up or juggle everything around to keep it all going is even better to him. Before when he was here if he found out I had any money at all he would refuse to pay anything or give me money for anything until he knew I had spent all mine and had none. I would hide what I did have and he would search until he found it. I tried putting it in my bank account and he waited until i was sleeping took my card and checked the balance on it. I guess he ask the kids for the number because he knew they used it sometimes. It just pisses me off because I had plan to pay the lawyer to get all the paperwork done and the divorce back in front of the judge. He knows he would get nothing or close to nothing back if I don’t file with him and file the kids because I am claiming them if i file on my own. Like I told him before I am putting them on mine if I have to file because he hasn’t paid anything for them all year why should he get a bunch of money back for them to blow like he dose his paycheck every week and still not buy them anything and me do it all. Not going to happen.

So now I am trying to figure out something I can do the next few months from home until I get called back to work and this operation taken care of. I would like to try something why I am waiting this time and if I find something that I can really make some money at then I may just keep doing it instead of going back to work. I was hoping to use a little of my tax money for that as well but can’t now until he fixes all this. I just can’t wait to get this divorce done. I have to get it done right away if I do get any tax money because I am not going to keep living like this. I’m just so tired of fighting and living like this, I’m tired of not having money and living check to check. I am really not use to living like this and not having a little money to go do something or take care of things that come up. Its been a few years but I still just can’t get use to it. I am just so tired and fight being depressed and trying to get things turned around. It seems like something always happens. Just like now I should be caught up and be ok util I go back to work but then missed all that and didn’t get caught up yet.

My Money Tree Died

I wrote before about how my mom thinks I live in such a horrible area and my friends husband told her he wouldn’t move over here when they wanted to move closer to his job. I could really careless because we are happy here and we feel safe. We are safe here, I really don’t feel that we aren’t. I know or know of the people who live around me and they are all pretty decent nice people. I have the only odd guy who likes to look in windows but that is really it. I don’t know if he is even still doing it honestly. Between getting up early for work and being sick and just everything going on I am not up that late any more and the people who seen him and had been watching moved a while ago. I know a few other people around get up early and leave if they have seen anything they haven’t said. The drug house that was on the street that dead ends into our street is bored up and they are trying to sell it. It is at the other end almost by the main road so we didn’t have to many issues with it. A few times I had some people across the street looking like they were doing a deal or waiting to do one. I walked out in the middle of the yard and started taking pictures of them and they left. After a few times of that they didn’t come back. A lot of the Spanish famile’s from the church on the other corner of the street and the church have bought and rented a lot of houses up through there as well and fixed the street up. Before no one wanted to live on that street because of that house and one other but it has been gone a long time since before I moved here.

Well the other week I was sleeping and heard something pop, it woke me up. Then in a little bit I heard a car race by. After that I heard another and then I heard tons of sirens They sounded like they came down one of the main streets and then around and down the other like they made a circle around our neighbourhood. They just kept coming and didn’t sound like they went away. They stopped then started again for a minute and stopped. I finally got up to see what was going on. I got my robe on and looked out the window. They were kind of frosted up but I could see lights flashing outside.

I went out to see what was going on, they were all over the street about 6 of them. They were about two house up at the gate of the school at the end of the street. They had the dog with them. I seen the dog drag the guy holding it from across the street into my friends yard who lives right outside the school gate. In a few minutes they were flying overhead as well. I watched them for a hour or more. They got a ladder went over the fence of the school and hefted the poor dog up and over the fence and down the ladder.

I seen my friend was up and messaged him ask if they were ok what was going on. He said he was sleeping and the dog woke him up. He came out to three cops and the dog and them telling him to go back inside. They told him someone stole a car,  the cop check the plate at the little store up the street and seen it was stolen and they speed off when he tried to stop them. We are guessing it is someone who didn’t know the area very well because if they did everyone knows that school is there and would not have ran up to the school and got stuck like that. They jumped out and ran. I never head of they caught the guy or not.

The very next night at almost the same time I was getting ready to go to bed and heard sirens again. The next day I read that the cops tried to pull someone over in the neighbourhood across the street from ours and they fled from them. They didn’t stop I guess when they got to the intersection of the main road ran the light hit a car, flipped hit a box and then the block wall here behind the pool hall right at the other end of the street that comes out right across from my house. It killed both people in the car.

Then I guess it was Thursday after I took my mom and grandma for all their test me and the kids came home to grab the money orders to go pay the rent. The cop came down that street in front of the house turned around and went back out. In just a second the helicopter was flying. We walked inside came out a second one was flying. The next time there was a third one flying. I guess the third was medevac trying to land. When we went out the little pizza place we go to was all roped off and there was police and people everywhere. Then maybe a block up the road across the street was roped off and police, news crews and a ton of people were out there. About that time I got a text from the college saying that the shooting by the campus here by me had been contained. Later on the news they said someone went in the tax place and shot two people in there because their tax check wasn’t there and one of the bullets went through the wall and hit someone in one of the other shops next to it. I still haven’t heard what shop the bullet went into or who got hit. The place I go and buy my books for school is right next to where everything happened. I don’t know if it is the girl he has working in there of if it was someone at the pawnshop next to it. The tax place just opened because they were not there before and there was a few empty stores so not sure what they were next to. The person who shot them I guess started to ran or ran but then ended up in their car at the pizza place. Think there is more to the story than they are all telling to the police as well. I don’t think it was just over a tax check that didn’t come in. We have a bunch of tax places right in this area not like something like that to happen. I could see maybe robbing them as we go through times that nothing goes on then all of a sudden a bunch of places get robbed. But it seems to be that way all around the county.

They were all isolated incidents and yes I could have been there getting books or we could have been at the pizza place getting pizza or driving by when it was all going down and people were flying around trying to get away and the police were trying to catch them. But we weren’t and we could move and some freak crazy thing could happen where ever we move too and we could be caught up in it or not just like here.

But now all I keep hearing from my mom and J is how I need to move I need to get out of here and how bad this area is. I told them last month I would sign another lease here in a few weeks when it is up at the end of March. I have looked at other places and they are going to cost me  a lot more than what I am paying here and I am going to have a lot less room, no yard, not have the dogs, and be in a apartment or condo with people all around me. That just don’t work for us. I done seen that when we were at my moms. I keep telling them I can’t afford it and they keep saying you just got to do it. How the hell do they think I can just do it? My mom keeps saying hurry do it why you have a job and show money coming in. I still don’t show enough to get in a place and even if I did what good dose it do me to get in a place that I can’t afford? I am just going to be getting kicked out in a month or two because I don’t have enough to pay everything. They act like I have this grove of money trees planted in my backyard and I can just go pull off what I need or something. I get so tired of hearing about it. And from them two for sure. My mom can’t say anything about anyone the situation she is in right now and everyone paying everything for her other than the little money she made why I was working watching the kids. And my friend J is all the time having problems with one guy in her building of only 4 apartments and he is the owners son so she can’t really get anything done about it. Well she could but she won’t. She complains to her but that’s it really. He is out there drugged up and freaking out about the people that are after him and coming to her door all hours of the night wanting help or wanting something or his girlfriend because he has freaked out on her and about people being after him. Then he goes and hides in the woods by their house and behind their house. There are people in and out all hours of the night. Here other then those two nights it you don’t hear anything going on other than maybe the fire truck rolling through. There is a house with someone really sick up the street and they go there. They can’t help it they are sick and it isn’t bothering anyone if it was to bad.

It happens where ever you live no matter how nice of an area you live in. There will be nothing going on forever then all of a sudden you have a short time where it seems like all kinds of things are happening at once. Then it dies down again. The area I lived in before here was supposed to be a nicer area than where I am now by far. I didn’t live there a full year and in that time two stores and a sub shop got robbed. Since I have been here in two years I have seen they had a run of car break-ends and some home break-ends. When I lived farther north everyone talked about how bad of an area that was but when we were there it was pretty nice. I walk around all hours of the night to the store or the burger place, sit outside and talk or just relax. One time did I ever have anyone say anything and that was just a group of guys saying stuff when me and my friend were walking. They went on they been trying to talk to us in the store and drove by said something as we were walking back home.

I use to have a money tree, it was a really nice one.

The kids wife gave it to me. The night she left she called and said they were to far to turn around but to go over to their apartment and get it. They had bought it for his mom or someone and forgot it. She didn’t want to leave it there for them to get rid of or keep. But it died, so I am back to having no money tree. I think they got ripped off because the 3 months or so that I had it I never seen it grow any money.

A Year Already

It’s hard to believe you have been gone a year already, some days it seems like just yesterday I was talking to you and we were out doing something with the kids, other days it seems like it’s been forever since I talk to you, gave you a hug or seen your face. Seeing your face every time I think about seeing you I think about the last time I seen you. Holding your hand, wiping your face and telling you how much you meant to me, how much I loved you and was going to miss you. Telling you that everything was going to be ok as you took your last breaths. standing numb and speechless as they prepaired you before they took you out and holding the door watching them put you in the van and drive away. Knowing I never see you again, I can’t tell you how many time I have picked up the phone to call you or been driving through town by your house going somewhere and thinking how I use to come pick you up on my way to where ever it is I’m going.

So much has gone on and is going on right now it sure would be nice to have you around. Someone to talk to someone for advice. Now I have all this medical stuff going on and I’m scared. I feel so alone and really have no one that I can or want to talk to. You know how mom is and all her problems and just wants to tell you what to do and knows it all about everything. The only one I really talk to all the time any more is my friend J and her husband but we aren’t as close as we use to be and now she has everything going on with her family and moving away. She don’t have time to listen to me or my problems.

No one has even said anything about to day or what today is or ask how I was or if I needed/wanted to talk. It’s been a really off day all day. I haven’t felt like doing anything all day but just lay around and being 100% lazy. That is all I did too. I took the kids up got them pizza and brought it home for lunch and ran to the store to get noodles for dinner that is all I did today. That’s as close to being productive that I have been at all. I didn’t even really think about what the day was until late this evening. I have thought about it a lot this week but just today I didn’t really have anything on my mind, maybe I was just trying to block it out and not think about it. I don’t know, I thought about losing the key to the gun cabinet and things tonight when I was sitting there next to it, that’s when I thought of it really being today that the day was here. Don’t worry I found the key. It wasn’t really lost I just thought it was a key to something else and put it away and forgot about putting that key away.

The little’s are kind of in a funk today to, they have been stuck to me like glue all day. Sitting on my lap at the computer laying on the couch with me when I moved over there. Little bitty followed me to my room and climbed up here and laid down in my lap between me and the computer when I first sat down here. She later moved and laid here on the bed next to me and talk to me for a while. she went to find her blanket and other things she has to have to sleep with. I think she must have decided it was to much to drag everything in here and just went to sleep in her bed because she didn’t come back. but she has been extra loving and cuddling the last few days her and my little guy both.

 

I played on the computer for a while my little ones got up on my lap and say with me for a while. I moved from there to the couch and laid down they followed. They have been stuck to me like glue today. My little one is still up with my as late as it is. I came to my room to get ready for bed and write a little and in no time she was laying in my lap. Now she is up wondering around the house in the dark trying to gather all the things she needs to go to sleep and piling them in my bed. I ask her didn’t she want to go get get in her bed and she said no sat down beside me.

It bothers me she isn’t going to get to know you more and like the rest of the kids did. I show her pictures and we talk about you all the time. I seen her move her foot around and loot at it and she has put it in my hand or showed me her toes a few times. Like she would stick her foot out to you when you were sick and she would come and sit with you. She remembers you always grabbing her toes and playing with her toes. Sometimes I find her standing in front of the cabinet looking at the urn just talking away or holding up something to it and talking a way. I don’t know what y’all are talking about but she just goes on and on.

10/24/1954-02/08/2015 R.i.p. Daddy Cancer Sucks

Home Alone

I listen to all kinds of music but been in a country mood lately, this is a song I came across that I really like. Sure could use a night like this right about now.

 

Still No Doctor

They told me two weeks ago I needed to get in and get this lymph nod and whatever is on it taken out. They said to get in to see a doctor right away and get a referral. They even said if I got a referral to this doctor she would see me and do the surgery right a way. Well I went that day even after not sleeping hardly and got the referral. Then I call the office to see when I could go in and they tell me no they can’t see me. I called and called around looking for a doctor to see me that went to one of the hospitals I wanted to go to and couldn’t find one. The only one I found would not see me in office only if they admit me and the insurance will not let them do that. I finally found one that will see me it took them a while to get a new referral because they can’t use the one I have they have to have one sent right from the doctor. Then they asked if I had xrays. I told her I had the CT and blood work in the hospital. She had to send to get them from the doctors office. They called told me the soonest they could get me in was the 18th. Great whats 2 to 4 more weeks of pain. Then they call me back yesterday and tell me the doctor looked at the test it’s self not just the report and feels that I need to go to an ENT not there so they are not going to see me. They said to call my doctor back and have them find me and ENT or find one and then call and have them send yet another referral and my test to them and wait for them to get in and decide what to do.

I was out with my grandma while she was getting test and things yesterday and did not get home in time to call around. I did get a few minutes to call one and they will  not see me either. I just tried to call the one that my oldest seen and they are not open today past 12. So now I have to wait until Monday and call. I hope they take it I am not crazy about him he don’t have the best bedside manner but he knows his stuff and is really good. He is just very straight forward blunt and do the point with things. I like that but at the same time with a doctor I don’t know there is just something about it.

This thing feels like it is swollen bigger to me. My mom says my neck looks swollen all the way around. but there is only the place on the right side still. I think the other is the thyroid is enlarged more, I think it was before and went down because I was swollen a lot the first time I went in and they didn’t listen to me. But they are more worried about the lymph nod right now because they said the thyroid wouldn’t make the lymph nod do this and they feel it is bothering the thyroid not the other way around. I have the paperwork I am supposed to go get the thyroid tested again in a month or two. But they thought I would have this out and be healed up by then. It looks like I will just be getting this taken care of.

I just wish the pain would go away. My mom telling me well the pain is going to come back if you don’t take the meds like they told you. I keep telling her the meds did not make the pain go away I walk around in pain everyday from it. Some days are worse than others and a lot of days by the time night rolls around I am in bad pain again. She even went so far as to say I was making it up and  not in as much pain as I claimed to be the other week. I think I haven’t been in as much pain as I was to start with because some of the swelling around it has went down. But now that it is starting to swell more it is starting to hurt more and worse. Even the therapist said yesterday when I took my son in that you can still see it but I look a lot better than I did the week before that I looked really ruff the week before. She laughed she said not saying anything but that you could really tell you were miserable and it was bad.

I still hate the idea of being cut open and having this thing cut out but. the pain trumps it all.