It’s hard to believe you have been gone a year already, some days it seems like just yesterday I was talking to you and we were out doing something with the kids, other days it seems like it’s been forever since I talk to you, gave you a hug or seen your face. Seeing your face every time I think about seeing you I think about the last time I seen you. Holding your hand, wiping your face and telling you how much you meant to me, how much I loved you and was going to miss you. Telling you that everything was going to be ok as you took your last breaths. standing numb and speechless as they prepaired you before they took you out and holding the door watching them put you in the van and drive away. Knowing I never see you again, I can’t tell you how many time I have picked up the phone to call you or been driving through town by your house going somewhere and thinking how I use to come pick you up on my way to where ever it is I’m going.
So much has gone on and is going on right now it sure would be nice to have you around. Someone to talk to someone for advice. Now I have all this medical stuff going on and I’m scared. I feel so alone and really have no one that I can or want to talk to. You know how mom is and all her problems and just wants to tell you what to do and knows it all about everything. The only one I really talk to all the time any more is my friend J and her husband but we aren’t as close as we use to be and now she has everything going on with her family and moving away. She don’t have time to listen to me or my problems.
No one has even said anything about to day or what today is or ask how I was or if I needed/wanted to talk. It’s been a really off day all day. I haven’t felt like doing anything all day but just lay around and being 100% lazy. That is all I did too. I took the kids up got them pizza and brought it home for lunch and ran to the store to get noodles for dinner that is all I did today. That’s as close to being productive that I have been at all. I didn’t even really think about what the day was until late this evening. I have thought about it a lot this week but just today I didn’t really have anything on my mind, maybe I was just trying to block it out and not think about it. I don’t know, I thought about losing the key to the gun cabinet and things tonight when I was sitting there next to it, that’s when I thought of it really being today that the day was here. Don’t worry I found the key. It wasn’t really lost I just thought it was a key to something else and put it away and forgot about putting that key away.
The little’s are kind of in a funk today to, they have been stuck to me like glue all day. Sitting on my lap at the computer laying on the couch with me when I moved over there. Little bitty followed me to my room and climbed up here and laid down in my lap between me and the computer when I first sat down here. She later moved and laid here on the bed next to me and talk to me for a while. she went to find her blanket and other things she has to have to sleep with. I think she must have decided it was to much to drag everything in here and just went to sleep in her bed because she didn’t come back. but she has been extra loving and cuddling the last few days her and my little guy both.
I played on the computer for a while my little ones got up on my lap and say with me for a while. I moved from there to the couch and laid down they followed. They have been stuck to me like glue today. My little one is still up with my as late as it is. I came to my room to get ready for bed and write a little and in no time she was laying in my lap. Now she is up wondering around the house in the dark trying to gather all the things she needs to go to sleep and piling them in my bed. I ask her didn’t she want to go get get in her bed and she said no sat down beside me.
It bothers me she isn’t going to get to know you more and like the rest of the kids did. I show her pictures and we talk about you all the time. I seen her move her foot around and loot at it and she has put it in my hand or showed me her toes a few times. Like she would stick her foot out to you when you were sick and she would come and sit with you. She remembers you always grabbing her toes and playing with her toes. Sometimes I find her standing in front of the cabinet looking at the urn just talking away or holding up something to it and talking a way. I don’t know what y’all are talking about but she just goes on and on.
10/24/1954-02/08/2015 R.i.p. Daddy Cancer Sucks