{March 27, 2016}   Happy Easter

Hope everyones having a better day than I am. It’s not that its been a bad day really. I just can’t get into the idea of celebrating Easter this year. I don’t know why I have done nothing but dread it coming every since I seen it was this month. I waited until late yesterday to even think about geting the kids stuff for their baskets. I had to force myself to do that. First year ever i did very simple basic baskets. A sand pail stuffed bunny, candy bunny and three or so other candies and thats it. They colored eggs late last night and we are going to my sisters for dinner. We are supposed to be there in about 20 Minutes and i just put the stuff in to cook about 40 minutes ago. I truely didn’t figure they would be ready til about 5:30-6. I guess for once they are ready. I’m sure i will hear shit about it but I really don’t care.

I put stuff in the oven came in my room laid here and cried for a bit and felt lead to come here. So now I’m doing this. I don’t know why I have just had this void or empty feeling or that dum and glum feeling. I do feel a little better after crying but still not looking foward to the rest of the evening. 

Guess I better go finish this food get dressed and get everyone out of here.

{March 22, 2016}   Flexible Job

I have been racking my brain and searching like crazy trying to find some kind of job that I can do from home or something I can start to work from home. Last week I went and met with a man about renting a space to open a store. The space was a small space but it is in a high traffic area for kids and their parents. That is great since I want to sell children s things. It was very reasonably priced, He only wanted $300 a month for rent and that included lights and water. But then I started checking into other things I would need and the things I would need just to fix the place up a little. It had to be painted and I needed a large rug for the floor then just some shelves. I checked into all the licenses I would need and crunched numbers with money and I just didn’t feel I could do it. I would need it to start making money from the start, no time to wait for it to start making money. Right now I would need it to pay the rent for the shop, my rent at home, all the sales and other taxes on top of a phone. If I done it I would have nothing left to fall back on. The guy was supper nice and really wanted me to take the space. I was really studying if I could have enough room and looking around. He asked what was  wrong if the rent was to much what I would need to rent it. I told him I was wanting to make sure that it would give me enough room. We were talking about what it would cost to move in, he had said first last and deposit, then he said lets just say first and deposit we don’t need to worry about last I trust you and think it will be fine. I told him I had to think about it. After I got home and crunched the numbers I just couldn’t do it.

The space would not have given me room to take the kids with me I would have to have a sitter and that would have added to what I needed to make every month. Right now would have been ok because Father of the year isn’t working but I can’t count on that. I was hoping to have something with a small office space I could set a room up for them to play and do school work.

I am back to looking and trying to find something, I have all the time in the world and little money. Story of my life it seems. I have thought about one of these where you sell stuff but I really don’t know who would buy it. My friends and family are just not into that kind of thing. It kind of reminds me of the kids who get sent home from school with the fliers to sell stuff. I did try it once and no one showed up and the company went out of business before I even got to try and make anything of it. It really sucked and kind of turned me off to that kind of thing. All though I think if I could do good if I could find something to buy and sell or make and sell that you don’t have to be to crafty to do. I am not crafty. Even if I could find something to sell on Etsy or Ebay. Even if it didn’t bring in a ton of money right away I wouldn’t have all the expenses.

I was going to become a Notary before and just never did it. I was looking into it the other night and if you are a notary you can also pay and take a class to be a signing agent for loans. I am thinking about doing it. I would get the information emailed or mailed to me, they would give me the information for the people who need to sign and then I would contact them and meet with them to get everything done. Once it is done I would make sure it got back to the office that asked me to do the job. I would just have to make sure it is all done right and turned in on time. I would travel to the people and set up a time that works best for them and me to go. From what I have found they make between $250 to $300 sometimes more depending how far away it is and how big of a package of information and things. I have also read that it is a sellers market in my area right now and that there are not many homes in the area for sale. But it isn’t just for people buying it is for refinance and things as well.

As a notary I can do weddings, so I have been giving this a lot of thought the last few nights. I think I am going to become a notary, advertise to do weddings. I make $30 for doing the wedding then travel fees depending how far away it is how long I have to be there and things. I am thinking of doing this really advertising for them and other normal notary things. Putting all the money but what it cost me for gas away to take the class to do the other. Or just taking it and hope to make the money back quickly. I will have to decide tonight. It won’t cost as much as opening the store but still about $400 for the class a license and everything.

{March 20, 2016}   Driving Lessons

My sister called me last week and wanted to know what I was doing, when I told her I was out with taking mom to the store she said she would talk to me later. I thought it was odd because we hardly ever call each other and just the way she acted. Like she wanted to talk to me but couldn’t because I was with them. I didn’t get home from dealing with her until late and really forgot about it. I figured I would call her or stop by on my way home. She lives right by my mom. Friday she called me and we were talking and then she asked me if I would teach her how to drive. She said she had gotten her permit last week. But she don’t want our mom to know until she gets her license. She knows she will tell her she can’t get her licence until she has had her permit for a year or more and that she needs to teach her I can’t possibly teach her right because I have only been driving since I was 13 and have no clue what I am am doing.

I took her out Friday night to a parking lot and let her learn where the gears are, the feel of the peddles and to get use to driving the truck all together. She has never ever drove or been behind the wheel of a car other than a power wheel. I told her one time to back on truck out and pull it back in once I got the other one from in front of it and she looked at me like I had 4 heads. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go but she did really good for the most part. She only hit the curb twice and almost took out the bank once. She was trying to make a left hand turn and didn’t turn in time. Then she wanted me to get her out of the jam. I told her she had to back herself up and get out of it, she did.

I figured she was going to freak out there was  a cop sitting in the parking lot when we got there and she started. He sat there a long time and left, then came back. I told her at first he may come over and want to know what we were doing but I think he probably figured it out after watching her a minute or two. I had her driving around and parking backing up and things. We went again last night her husband was with her and he wanted to see how she did. I took her in the parking lot and then took her to the neighborhood. She kept saying next time but like I told her it is night there is nothing out and she can only drive around the parking lot so many times. She needs to be on a road even just in the neighborhood to get use to being in her lane but not on the side of the road, turning on and off streets is different than turning in parking lots. She was worried about cars parked on the street and things. But she drove past cars in the parking lot and things. We went and she drove around about an hour or so. she is doing good she just needs to work on getting the truck up to speed without stepping on the gas to much and lerching the truck all over and not stopping to hard. She wants to drive down the street two miles an hour like she is in the parking lot. When she has to stop she stops to far back or doesn’t easy into it she just hits the break. If she gets that I would be ok with taking her out on the road at night when there isn’t traffic. Last night we were driving around she said that goes down to the road by the river want me to go that way. I said no I don’t know if I will be ready to drive down that road with you in two years and for sure not in this truck. It is a very narrow road and on side you have houses and yards. On the other you have this drop down to the river, very little bank and the road is barely big enough to pass on. My truck is so big I pretty much stop and wait for people to pass me when we are coming toward each other. There is no way I was taking her out there only drove a few hours and in the black dark and no lights to see what way the road curves or anything hardly. She laughed and said oh yeah I don’t want to drive down there either.

My friend called the first night I was out with her and wanted to know what we were doing. I told  her she said she was about my sisters age when she learned as well. She said she was worried when she started. She asked me how I did when I started. I told her I was alright that the first thing I learned on was a stick shift. She said I figured you say that like it was no big deal when you learned. But it really wasn’t, but like I told her she has to remember I was 13 when I first started driving so I wasn’t scared or worried really. To me it was cool it was great I was getting to drive. My dad trusted me to drive and was teaching me because I really didn’t want my mom to teach me and knew she never really would without it being a fight. We went to and empty parking lot and I had to get use to the gears and shifting with the clutch and all that, all stuff they are not having to learn while trying to drive for the first time on top of it. After doing that a few times I maybe a few I can remember going once and doing that for sure I think we may have two or three but not 100% sure we went more than the one time really. But after that I use to drive me and my aunt up to the little store through the neighborhood so my dad didn’t have to take her or go for her. She was an adult but could not learn a stick shift to save her life. Or she would drive I would shift and make sure we were in park when we got there because she never could get it in park or shift it. I got tired of her always stalling us out and finally told my dad i was going to drive us if I was taking her anymore. After that my dad got this big Oldsmobile it was a huge car and that was the next thing I drove. The first time I drove it we went from our house to camp about three hours or so away then from there to my grandpa’s another couple hours from camp then I drove from there back home. A lot of it was two lane roads and highways with semi trucks all around.

I can’t say I knew how to drive before he showed me but I always watched when we went places and my dad would be driving. Back then we road in the front seat all the time. It just seemed simple to me. Them they worry oh there is a car coming oh there are people around and things like that. Even if they are a block away or on the side walk. They might walk out in the street. So they slow down to 2 miles an hour 5 miles before they get to them. I keep going as normal and figure they are going to stay on the sidewalk. I watch to see what they are doing if they look like they may walk out there or decide to corss the street. I will slow down when I get close to them if it is kids or they are close to the road or look like they might cross. But even then I don’t slow down to 2 miles and hour. I tap my break a little and keep going but ready to stop if need me. If my sister see’s lights coming from a side street she wants to stop and see where they are going to go or if they are going to pull out in front of her. It don’t matter she can’t see the car and will be passed the street before it even gets to the end of their street. But that is my moms fault becuse this is how she is. She is always wanting to know what that is if she hears any little sound even if there was nothing to be seen, if someone is waiting to turn then you better slow down to a crawl because they might pull out in front of you. It don’t matter they are looking right at you and stopped and waiting showing no sign of moving. or that the light is red and they are stopped at it. If there are people on the side walk or side of the road they are going to walk out in front of you so you have to all but stop until you get to them and miles past them. I am having to make her see that this is not how you drive that it is really very dang est to drive like this in a lot of places because traffic around you are expecting you to be moving not just stop or slam your break on and slow down. That even if they are watching if they are close to you or the road is wet they can still hit you even if they try to stop. My mom says you don’t watch you don’t slow down blah blah. I do watch I slow down when I need to or feel I need to. But I don’t go 10 miles under the speed limit at all times and then stop and slow down for every little thing. A trip that should take you 15 minutes to make takes her 30 to 45 or more sometimes. When she rides with you she tries to tell you how to drive and what ways to go because you can’t take your normal every day streets. It all comes down to she has anxiety and refuses to get any help with it. I can understand not wanting to take medication but when it effects your life like it does her and in every part of your life like it does with her and people don’t want to help you or come around because of the way you do then you need to get some meds to help. I don’t like taking them but have at different times when I need them.


{March 12, 2016}   New Pet’s

My 5 year old wants guinea pigs, he has been asking for a few months now. The 10 year old wants a Tortoise. He has been asking forever. I guess since the 5 year old heard the 10 year old talking about a pet he figured he would jump on the wagon.

I have told my 10 year old that if he could keep his room clean daily like he is supposed to for three months he could have a tortoise. His room has been something that we have gone around about for a long time now. The therapist I think thought oh it isn’t that bad but, she seen it the other week and couldn’t believe it.

She knows we do not keep our house that way and that he knows how to clean it and that I am not asking for it to be spotless or anything like that. Just everything off the floor and put in the boxes in the closet or toy boxes. Just not tossed in mounds all over the floor ankle high and your stepping on things and kicking them out of the way to get through and things are getting broken because they are not being seen and getting stepped on.

They have always known the rule on pets is that if it is in a cage they have to be able to take care of it and clean the cage and things. I am not taking on a cage to clean. I will help now and then if need be, but for the most part it is up to them to take care of. I have to much to do already. I have said this on here before I am sure. To me if he refuses or dose not care anymore about his toys, games, books, his things and room over all and keeps it that way he is not responsible enough to take care of a pet.

He says he wants to get this thing and keep it forever, teach it tricks and train it to be able to walk around his house like a dog and use a doggy door. And it is something he could very well do in time if he really studied and took care of it properly. But I do not feel he is going to stick to cage cleaning and doing the things for it he needs to if he can’t keep his room clean and take care of the none living things I have gotten him. Or to have enough respect for me to keep his room clean when it’s about the only thing I ask of them.

I decided that I would let my two little’s get pets since they are really the only one in the house that dose not have a pet that is their own. Them and my oldest I should say. She wants a lizard but I told her same she has to keep her room clean and she isn’t hear enough to take care of it. I am not taking care of it when she is gone all the time and I am not making her brothers take care of it. She will be gone for weeks at a time not like over night at a friends or something. I have my frogs, the oldest boy child has his Beta fish he got last April. Longest a Beta has ever lasted in our house. My oldest had one but he only lasted a day or two. My youngest dumped bubble bath in the water. I dumped it and tried to get it in fresh water but probably didn’t help as I ran it under the tap for water. Had told oldest to put the soap up many times and not have it in her room and down where it could be gotten by the little.

Anyway, I decided it would be nice to let the little’s get something. I have my 5 gallon tank sitting here empty and it is just going to end up stuffed somewhere because I want to see how the big tank ends up working for my frogs and I will need the little tank if I move. I move to far I am not going to chance taking this big tank with me probably. It will take up room and keeping it from getting broken. My little I can sit in the floor of my truck half full of water and move my frogs in it. Plus just sit it on a counter if I don’t have room for a big tank set up.

I thought of Hermit Crabs they are pretty easy to take care of and they can take them out and hold them some if they want to. Tank isn’t hard to clean my 5 year old should be able to scoop it and then one of us help him do a good clean now and then when it needs done. Tonight after dinner we went to the pet store and ended up bring home three Hermit Crabs. I felt bad the oldest boy child wanted one, I told him no to start with this was the little kids pets and he had his fish. We were there looking at them and the little’s were picking theirs out he was looking at them. He said before at home he would help them take care of them and clean their cage. After the little’s picked the ones they wanted I told him to go ahead and pick one out. That we would try letting him have one too since he offered to help the little’s take care of theirs. I figure it will be a test too, to see how he is with really helping them and taking care of them and the cage. If he don’t do it then I will tell him his goes to the little kids, they can change his name and take him out and play with it with their others and he is not allowed to mess with them. Or he will have to give his away. He feeds his fish he don’t really change the water I do it for him or his dad helps him if he comes over. It’s a little harder to me because it is only a couple gallon tank and things.

They are so cute with their crabs. My 3 year old heard the lady say they would bite and got scared of them. Before that she was picking it up and looking at them. After that she didn’t even want to hold the box. She hold it between her fingers and hold it out away from her. My 5 year old thinks they are so cool. They couldn’t wait to get them out of the box and play with them why I was trying to get the tank set up. The oldest boy child is scared to pick them up when they come out of their shell. It is so funny. He screamed like a girl tonight it was about to fall off the table he was scared to touch it. Not funny but funny at the same time. I know he will get use to them. After a little while he would pick it up from behind while it was out.

We have Flash, Bumble Bee and Princess the Hermit Crabs.


{March 9, 2016}   Random Thought # 3

If my phone was ever search for any random reason I can only imagian what one would think. I look up anything and everything. Things we won’t even talk about here.

They may not be able to get me on anything, but I’m sure I would probably be followed the rest of my life. Keep them on their toes they have no idea what to expect and no clue what list to put me on with all the very odd, wierd, strange random things I go in search of.

{March 9, 2016}   Waste of Time

I went to the doctor Monday and it was a waste of time, as soon as he seen that I had teeth that needed to be pulled he brushed it all off as an infection. I told him that wasn’t it at all, that I had no infection the hospital did bloodwork that didn’t show infection that is why they did the ct. There was no infection they wanted to find out what was in there once and for all. He acted like I was lying abut how bad it was swollen up and everything. The nurse finally got the report and he read it. Then he says oh you had a 3 cm mass in there. I said yes I know it has went down but it is still there and I have this place along my jaw that has come up. He says he don’t think that the right side is that much different than the left and don’t see anything to be worried about. Even though it has been this way since December and the doctors all say it needs to come out if it stays that way more than 2 weeks. Never mind the size it got compared to most peoples. I kept asking him then why this or that he finally just said well we can do the CT over and see what it looks like compared to the last one and go from there. So I still have this place under my neck and on my jaw and I am losing my coverage to get anything done in a few weeks. I waited to see him because I thought he was a good doctor but I am not feeling that way now. Anyone who knows anything knows that if had an infection that bad in my body for over a month my blood work would show infection. Plus if it was that bad I think I would have been physically sick in other ways not just swollen and in pain. I also told him that they looked at my teeth and pushed around on them and that there was no pain or sign of infection. He said well your just not feeling it because they are dead teeth. I know that is not true either because they will hurt once in a while if I get something hot or cold on them or stuck in them. If it was dead and the nerve was dead like he is saying I wouldn’t feel any of it they would be turning not white.

I guess I will go get the CT scan just to see what it says and then go back to my doctor and see what he thinks. I have to go back to my doctor anyway to get something done for the thyroid and see what they think about it. But doctors like this one I seen Monday is a big reason I don’t waste my time going they say everything is fine and do nothing. Or blow it off and wait and see what happens instead of doing something about things. You take time out of your day and sit in there office and wait forever on them why they do whatever like you have all the time in the world to wait for them. I don’t have all day to wait on them for them to do nothing for me and have to start over or just forget it.

{March 6, 2016}   Doctors and Work

Not much going on here right now, I finally get to go to  the doctor tomorrow to see what they say about this thing in my neck and face. I don’t know if I posted or not but I now also have a place right along the jaw bone on the bottom on the right side where the lymph nod is swelled up. It isn’t on the bone because I can move it and feel the bone is normal it is just like tissue or something in the skin I guess. Not sure really. It’s all just a mess, I have walked around with half my face swollen since December. It’s as lovely as it sounds. It is’t that bad everyone says but I notice it when I look at myself and I am sure others do to.

I am looking for a job still since the last one lied to us. I emailed them and ask them when we should expect phone calls. The lady said we all had to reapply. I ask why that they said all this stuff in the meeting. She said that once we had not worked for a week or two we were terminated out of the system. I told her that we were still owed our bounces so we should not be terminated out as of yet. She never replied. I also told her I already had applied for the position but still never heard back from anyone. I think they are not calling me back because I said something about not being paid what I was supposed to have been and made them fix it. I think they got mad about it. Oh well we go there and work because of the pay, hours, and things like that. If it is not what they told us then they need to fix it. If we get the job and do not show up for work or do not do the job or half do the job they are not going to keep us.

I am looking for something to do from home. I really want to open a business and right now have a lot of time to put into it but not a lot of money. I would like to open a resale shop but all the spaces around are renting for more than I can afford right now. I am trying to figure out if there is a way I can do it from home or rent a storage area and do it on the weekends or something. But to do it either of those ways I would need more money upfront because I would need to buy everything upfront and then sale it. Where if I had a shop to open I could take things in and pay the people as things sold. I am trying to figure out if there is a way to get a loan or something to help get started. I think all I need it a license and tax id number once I have a space. I have stuff I could put in there to sell to get started and could get more as I went and people knew about it. I am good with money and selling I think I could make it if I could just get started.

If I can’t do that I would like to find some kind of data entry to do online from home. I don’t want to do phone work with the kids. I would have to do it in the middle of the night why they were sleeping then get up with them in the mornings. With data entry I can do it anytime I have free even if they are awake. Like now while I type this my 5 year old is sitting here watching Scooby Doo and playing. If I was on the phone I would have to be locked away in another room somewhere and still hope that no one came in and said anything or the dogs didn’t start barking why I was on the line. I couldn’t answer random questions that he came over and ask or listen to the things he is wants to tell me about. I be a lot more stressed to.

I know there are ways to do these things and I can find the answers to most everything. But this kind of stuff I just feel so lost and no idea where to start. There so much involved in it all. I feel stuck not sure what or how to do or where to ask.

et cetera
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