{May 10, 2016}   Lasting Effects of Loss

I am about to lose my mind with all the junk around the house and not being able to get rid of any of it. I use to be able to tell the kids lets clean out get rid of anything we don’t use, don’t need or that’s broken and they would go to work going through their toys and room. I go through the rest of the house. The last few weeks I have been trying to do this and clean off the carport and laundry room cleaned up. I want everything organized before classes started. But my baby boy gets so upset and freaks out if I try to get rid of anything be it his or someone else. I cries and acts like you have attacked him or something. The other week I went through my little ones room and took her stuff because she wouldn’t pick it up. He was on his knees begging me to not get rid of it he would clean her room as soon as he was done with his. I tried to put a wagon thing to the road because it wasn’t what I thought I was getting when I bought it and we have not found a use for it. He started crying and drug it back up to the house from the road. I really don’t know what to do for him or with him.

As most of you know we lost my dad very unexpected and quick last year. We found out New years day he had cancer wasn’t treatable and was given 6 months. He passed the Feb 8. My little one had a very hard time with Grandpa being sick. He was very emotional, angry, and aggressive at the time. When he passed he seemed to be back to his normal self. It was like flipping a switch when we found out he got that way and after he passed it was like someone flipped the switch and he was back to his sweet loving self.

Until now, and I didn’t think one had to do with the other at first but then I started noticing that after he would get all upset about someone trying to get rid of stuff once he calmed down he would come up out of the blue and start talking about Grandpa and how he misses him and things. Him and his brother went in their room and his brother was trying to get rid of stuff another time and he started asking if grandpa go him that and things. Even if I tell him Grandpa didn’t get it for him he still can’t let it go and get rid of it.

I have never gotten rid of their stuff without them knowing and them having in put on what is gotten rid of. I don’t want to start now and don’t think that is going to make things any better just worse. But I need to be able to get rid of my stuff and the other kids need to be able to get rid of their stuff without him having a break down over it. He needs to be able to get rid of his things that no longer fit are broken or just not used and taking up room. I don’t know what to do for him or how to help him. I tried asking the therapist that my older son sees but she had no answers and wasn’t sure what to do or how to help him either. I guess I am going to have to take him in to see the doctor and see what she says and who she feels he should see or talk to. He can’t turn into a hoarder, my Grandpa on my moms side is and it is horrid.

As you all know I started school last Summer, I started with two classes then took 4 in the Fall. I ended up dropping two because of being in the accident and having the concussion. I was lucky and able to work with my other two teachers and get through the other two classes. I took off Spring because I was so sick and thought I was supposed to have surgery and things. I already with dropping the classes last term I didn’t want to end up dropping anymore or not making the grades I want.

I sat down a few weeks ago and started looking to see what classes I wanted to take for the summer. I was really dreading it and not looking forward to it because there isn’t really anything I want to take. I just have to get this two years over to get into classes I want to take. I started going through the list of degrees again trying to see if there was anything I missed that I could take and just get it done without dreading every classes every time I had to sit down and do the work. I started looking at the A.S. I seen something that said Social and Human Service.

I started reading about it and it said that they are waiting on approval from the state and would start offering classes in the Fall. I started looking at the classes and clicking on them and a lot of them go with other degrees and are already offered. I was able to sign up for some of them to take this Summer. There was an email address to someone at the school I emailed her and ask if they knew how long it would be before they knew if the state had approved it. She emailed me back and said they had. That they were working on having the rest of the classes up in time for Fall.

It is so that you can work with Social workers and things like that like and assistant I guess. From there you can go back to school and still get your Masters or what. But this gets your foot in the door and lets you work why you are.

It has two options, one is domestic violence and the other is something aging to do with elderly. I wanted to go for the domestic violence part. I sat down looked at all the classes and what ones you have to take before which ones and put a list together what I need to take what term and how many terms I need to go. It stinks because only one class out of the 4 I have already counts so I am basically starting from the be-gaining with this degree. I figured out if I could graduate by the end of next Summer. There are a few classes I want to space out and not take two in the same term because of the amount of work they require. I am trying to only take one Gordon Rule Class a term. They require a lot more research and papers to be written, where as the other classes are more informational. As I moved things around and looked at the aging part there are only three classes to have that option just like there are only three for the one I want. If I go between now and December of next year I will only have to take 4 classes a most terms and 5 a few, but I will finish with the aging and domestic violence part. So that is what I am going to do, It will give me more options for work as well.

I had only signed up for three classes this Summer,general psychology , one of the domestic classes, and micro computers. I have to have general psychology before I can take most of my other classes so I took it to get it out of the way. I went back and signed up to take my speech class to get it out of the way as well. I am so excited because other than comp class and speech class the rest are all pretty much classes I am interested in taking. I  have one humanities class and I wanted to take world religions. I finally found the other day where it tells you what you can take and it is on there so that worked out good.

The only bad part right now is the fact that I have to pay for Summer next year out of pocket for all the classes and books I need. I am going to try to save it out of my loan money I get the next few terms to pay for it. The PELL grant will only pay for two terms a year. I really want to get this all done by the be-gaining of December of next year. I don’t want to have to take more classes come Spring.

I found a job Sunday that I applied for I am really hoping that I get. It is a few blocks away from home and it is 20 to 24 hours a week. It would be good because I could file exempt on my taxes and get more back a week, right now why I don’t have to pay daycare I can put that money away for when I do. I am going to just get a sitter to come here to my house and sit with my two little ones. Instead of paying someone to watch all 4 of them. My older ones will be here but can take care of their self.

I am just so happy and excited that they started this and I found it before I wasted anymore time on classes that were for nothing. I can’t wait to get started. I start the 16 with 3 of them and the other starts the 13 of next month. I tried to get my books weeks ago so I could start reading and get ahead at least there but I have to wait until the 9 to get them. So very disappointing there.

I am just so happy, this is something I have wanted to do for over 17 years and to now finally take the time to do something I want to do and that will make things so much better for me and the kids feels so good. I wanted to call my dad the other night when I found it and figured out I could finish next Summer and finish with both parts Fall of next year. I know he would be so happy. He always wanted us to go to school. He was glad that I went to massage school and got my bail bonds and did my training to be a doula. But I know this would make him beyond happy.

{May 2, 2016}   No Computer Still

I haven’t had my computer for a while to get on line and not able to post from my phone very well at all. I was supposed to get a new one tax time but needed to fix the truck and take care of other things for the house and kids. Of course that all comes first because we have to have a ride and a place to stay, the kids can’t go naked as much as some of them wish they could. If all works out I should be able to get one about the middle of June. Unless something else happens or comes up. It time it will happen I am sure. I have one picked out and can’t wait to get it. I have been watching it for a while now. It’s a basic lap top, but I think it is good enough to last me another 3 to 5 years. I have had this one since 2009 but if it last that long I will be amazed. Most things I buy I look to get 3 to 5 years out of before having to replace it. It seems to work out pretty good. Some things last longer some I make work until I can replace it if I need to. By that point I am ready for a change when I can make one any way. If it is still good I sell it to help pay for whatever I am getting next or donate it if it is still good but not get much out of it. It just comes down to if it is worth the time and hassel of waiting for people to show up and not or trying to talk you down to nothing on it. I am getting ready to sell my oldest bedroom set and but her and the little one bunk beds and new dresser. I really just need the bunk beds but her set is the bed, dresser, chest and desk with hutch. I rather sell it all together I can get more and have already priced out what we will probably get. I think I can sell the set and pay for most if not all of it. I already have a big chest of draw that will match so they will just need the bed and another chest or dresser.

et cetera
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