My anxiety is up, I realized this morning it was. I was sitting on the couch before I took my Little Guy to school. He came over hugged me and laid down in my lap. When he did I could feel my heart rate just drop and felt so much calmer. I had not even noticed it was racing so much or that I was worried about anything.
But I guess really I should have realized there has been a lot going on the last month, nothing major just little everyday things that I think about now and then. I didn’t think I was stressing over them or thinking about them all that much. I do here and there then try to forget it and think about other stuff, but I guess subconsciously it is getting to me. I know I been stressing over school and a couple classes. This one class is beyond the amount of work I expected, I thought maybe I was the only one that felt that way but then I got an email someone else sent the teacher talking about what kind of class it is and how much work it is and that it is almost impossible to keep up and then do our other classes too. I been thinking it was just me and then thinking how would I get through the rest of my classes taking as many as I have to take if they all had work like this one. That would slow me down because I would have to go back to taking less classes in order to keep up and it would take me longer to get through it throwing off my plans to be done by next year. But I had been worrying about that for a while and hadn’t felt the way I have the last week or so. It was like a normal level of stress for me I guess you could say.
Finding the kids schools, the divorce, my little one being a handful and all the appointments everyone had last week I think all just added up and took over. I am down to the last few weeks to find them a school and one that will take them that has openings. It has it’s own basket full of stress as I said in The Hunt is On. The divorce I don’t think I am really stressing over as much as I just want it done and the anticipation that it is so close and finally happening hopefully. It s almost like a kids a few days before Christmas. All the appointments just ended up falling together like that and when they did I wasn’t worried about it because Father of The Years was supposed to handle part of them so everything would work around each other with no problems. Then he went back to work the Friday before them all and I had to take care of them. Some had to be changed. I have been so busy with school with all the extra work in this one class I haven’t been able to spend the time with the kids and my little one is really showing out. To top it all off I noticed last night that one of my cards is missing. I need to tear the house part and try to find it. We looked all over last night and couldn’t find it. The clutter is horrendous I have been so busy. That is getting to me too. I take time to clean make sure the place is clean but the clutter I have not had time to go through and get rid of. I feel like it is over taking the place now on top of having all the stuff from the bedrooms I need to sell so that I have that money back.
Now with not sleeping I sit here away all night, I take my little one to school and come home and lay down for a little bit. Try to get some sleep. Then I feel bad because we are all going back to bed and not up doing some of the stuff that needs to be done and what everyone is going to say if they know we are laying back down. Not that it is anyone’s business but I still feel like someone is going to know and say something. That I am wrong for doing it. Things do get done they just get done in the evening when I am up not sleeping instead of in the morning. At least in the evening I feel like being up and doing stuff where as in the morning I feel so tired and wore out. If I did stay up not much would get done anyway because I wouldn’t feel like moving. I have always been a night owl always did most the stuff around the house at night when I’m up anyway. I sleep in, in the morning but not as late as I have been the last week or so.
I did go to bed early last night and I slept but not a good sleep, I was up and down all night, my little one ended up in bed with me beating me up and I kept having this dream about my dad. I don’t know where we were it was some kind of big event or something he was trying to tell me something I couldn’t hear him and then he disappeared. I left with his car and went to some other event or something and then lost his car, I couldn’t find where I parked it even though I was right where I left it. This group of people came and I went with them we were going to drive around the lot looking for my dads car and we ended up somewhere else. The next thing I knew I was trying to get my grandma on a plan before she missed it and find the person at the airport who was going to fly with her and make sure she got to the person who was waiting on her where she was going. I don’t know where she was going someone was saying to meet my dad where he was. They were saying they weren’t coming back I was telling them I didn’t know where my dad was and that my grandma had missed one flight the day before and she was coming back she be back tomorrow. They said no once she went she wasn’t coming back. Then I woke up to the clock going off. I remember my sister being in the dream and some other stuff going on but I don’t remember what it was now. By time my clock went off I felt like I been up all night even though I really hadn’t.
When he laid down with me on the couch I felt so calm and my heart rate drop, I remember thinking that was odd I didn’t even realize I it was up like that and that I was nervous or stressing about anything. As soon as I thought it I thought of everything that had been going on and my dream. I should have known when I had the dream, when I get stressed I dream weird crazy stuff like that. It isn’t your normal oh I had an odd dream kind of dreams. But I really hadn’t thought of the dream once I woke up either. When my anxiety gets bad is when I get to where I can’t sleep at all and when I do the dreams are all night and I feel like I haven’t slept.
I haven’t really had anyone to talk to or talked to anyone about any of it other than what I have written here. I think that is where having that other person a partner comes in to play and it bothers me so much at times like this. If I was with someone I would have some to talk to, I wouldn’t be doing it all on my own so I wouldn’t be as stressed to start with. If I was stressed or something bothering me I would have them to talk to and I wouldn’t lay here awake all night thinking about it. I would have them here, the closeness would help me feel calm.
I am going to go get ready to pick my Little Guy up from school, on the way home I am going to stop somewhere and get some boxes so that when we get home we can get rid of all this clutter. I would like to get it together and have a yard sale tomorrow. Mostly because I have this bedroom set here to get rid of the rest I can stick out there if I make something I do if not I will call the donation truck to come pick it up because I don’t feel like hauling it anywhere at this point. I mainly just need to sell the big stuff, if it don’t sell then I will probably call the auction and see if I can take it there and sell it. They will make part of my money but I will still get close to what I want out of it because there is a store that buys stuff and like that and it ends up going for a lot more than I would pay for it used. I just have to drag it there and then wait even longer for my money. I rather just sell it outright to someone here and them worry about moving it. I will move it but I charge extra for gas and they have to have someone to load and unload it.
At least that will take care of the stress of the clutter and making my money back hopefully. While I am sitting out at the yard sale I can work on my school work. I am kind of ahead, I have most of the work for one class down, all of it for another done and one page I have to write for the other. My 4th class is kind of a lot of work but it is quick and easy I zip through it pretty quick and it isn’t due until Tuesday. The rest is due Sunday. Only a few more weeks to go. Then it will be time to start a new round with 4 or 5 classes.