{September 6, 2016}   Still Trying

You know thinking about it this is probably a big reason I have been feeling so lonely lately. The divorce is done and over and he is STILL trying to get back together. He was here the other night dropping off money or something. I said something to one of the kids about hurting and needing a massage.

Later that night I was laying in bed and my phones starts blowing up. I look to see who it was, it was Father of The Year. He says maybe some really good sex I would rub you for a month! I said laugh my ass off and send a bunch of laughing little faces to him. He says some doggy style would be good, you know you would enjoy it. He says I’m ready for you if you are. I said I doubt that. He comes off with I could rock your world don’t doubt it for a second and you know it. I said um don’t think so. He says yes I could but your to stubborn to find out.

I said um no I already know. Just like the last times. Nothing has changed why would that? He comes off with things are different between us now that was the past and least time wasn’t great I agree. I said last many times were not, and in regards to anything like that no things have not changed to make that any different now.  He got mad I could tell he said whatever. Whatever you say you got to move past your anger at me. I said I’m not angry. He said you are at me you tell me all the time you hold grudges and you never let the past be. I told him I’m not angry it is what it is.

I told him I don’t know why I want to be with someone I am no longer with, that I have moved on from and there are no feelings there for anymore. He never said anything after that, I was surprised.

A few days later he started again. That was the night the storm was supposed to hit and my friend was here and all the other shit happen. He text wanting to know what I was doing and I said just sitting here. He wanted to know what was on my mind. Was asking me if I am seeing anyone. I didn’t answer right away I was making dinner and talking to my friend laid the phone down. He says are you seeing someone? I really hope you can tell me if you are. I told him no I don’t know why he keeps going on about it. Then he says I was just wondering I’m still not over you I know its crazy but I’m better about moving on then I was it will take more time, I’m trying to move on but it’s hard. I said you say that I’m sure your probably seeing someone No no I’m just missing you that’s all he says. Wish I could move on that easy, but I can’t you don’t know what it is like for me I feel lost and i still need time to find myself again. And it’s frustrating because I wish you could see how I feel inside. I said where are you? My friend said I bet he is on his way over here ask him where he is. He said home in bed I said oh I wondered and stop responding.

It’s like why do you have to keep doing this over and over nothing has changed. My feelings haven’t changed he hasn’t changed the way he is or does things or acts. My walls are full of holes to prove that. I don’t know maybe he needs me to tell him how done I really am with him every so often and to turn him down and tell him what a fool he is. Maybe it helps him move oh. Maybe he just gets off on putting himself through that. I really don’t know and don’t care. I just want him to leave me alone and move on. Almost seems like he is feeling guilty because he is talking to someone or thinking about talking to someone but me talking to or seeing someone would make it ok for him to or give him the ok to. It’s crazy we have not been together in 5 years just about. We are divorced and he still acts this way. Maybe if he had been so worried about how I felt and what I was doing way back when before it got this far it would have never gotten this far to start with. But I know it sure as hell is not going to go back to us ever again. I been there done that have the three kids and divorce papers to prove it. I don’t need anything else. He needs to move on and find someone else. Just like asking that girl to go to his brothers wedding with him. He better know that my kids are not to be left alone with his family not even for a few hours or a night. If he goes there to pick her up they better go with him and if he goes to take her home they better go with him and why he is gone out of state with them they better be with him not somewhere in bed and him out not at a party and he slips away for a little bit. Not after what these people have done. Not all of them but the ones that I know if he left them with anyone they would be the ones because he see’s nothing wrong with it. The rest my kids don’t know so he don’t need to go leave them with a bunch of people they don’t know. I don’t take my kids anywhere and leave them like that never have not even when we were together he better not either.

[…] he said the other week about getting over me and he can’t. Just like the other week he is Still Trying to get back together or get me to have something to do with him. Since that night he really […]

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