I don’t know what it is but I have been feeling so lonely again lately. I keep thinking it be nice to maybe meet someone just to talk to hang out with or what. At the same time I just want to stay focused on school and getting done, so that we can move. I don’t want to meet someone here and it turn into something and then not be able to move or leave them to move, because that is probably what it would come down to me calling it off to move. After the A Night I Won’t Forget I want my kids out of here more than ever. Everyone who knows says move you got to move. But that is much easier said than done. The people across the street are paying $75 more than I am and was talking about how you can’t find anything in a decent area or even close to decent area for less than $1500. He said his sister I think it was got a house smaller than ours and in an area that isn’t very good at all for $1100. Then I was talking to my aunt and she was talking about moving out of state and how it was so much cheaper and nicer than here. I could have my house for like $500 to $600 a month in a nice area.

I also don’t want to get with someone and mess things up with school or end up putting my plans and school on the back burner. I did that when I met Father of The Year and I did that when me and RC got together. I have wasted to much time working on relationships that are one sided and not going anywhere but to and end. Putting everything on hold for the better of everyone else or until we get in a situation that allows for me to do what I want to do. I am not doing it again. I am going to be selfish this time and do what is best for me and my kids and whoever I may end up with if I end up with someone will have to come along for the ride. They can deal with me going to school and the things that I am doing and work things around it. Whatever happens or don’t happen will have to be worked out so that we both can do what we are doing or something else will have to be figured out or it will have to be forgotten about. If they do not like that and do not want to come along for the ride that is fine I understand and am fine with that. I don’t blame them and wish I hadn’t put the things I wanted on hold for ever one else.

I guess it’s probably because Father of The Year isn’t coming around as much anymore. We haven’t seen him since Wednesday, it’s been just me and the kids. We are so much happier, and the house is much more relaxed and laid back.

I think to before I just wanted to get my divorce over and didn’t really want to meet anyone or think about meeting anyone until it was done. How many going to believe we aren’t together he here all the time and everything else. Just like my friend who said all that stuff about wanting to get together but questioned it and things. It’s annoying because I know what I was doing and I know that I wasn’t having anything to do with him and don’t want it. I was just letting him hang out until I could get my shit in court and over with and him agreeing to it. I figured he wants to hang out and do this that or the other more power to him. Not like he was doing anything else with or for the kids. But like I have said before I don’t blame him for the way he felt thought or whatever. I know I would not be talking to a guy in that kind of situation. I have to question what a guy’s intentions really are if he is willing to date a girl in that situation. Probably nothing long term.

Again it’s not even about the sex, it’s having that person there to talk to, do things with, just be with the support you give each other. Someone I can lay on the couch talk or watch a movie with. That adult contact that you don’t get from the kids or friends.

I haven’t dated in almost 4 years. Well the 15 of this month will be 4 years. As much as I want to focused on school and getting moved and keep telling myself to wait until I move it be better. I feel like I have wasted all this time on Father of The Year, R.C then the last 4 years as well. Thinking about being alone for another 2 years I can’t imagine not having them things for the next two year.

I keep coming back to the I just need someone who isn’t just there to see each other when we can and if we see or talk to others that is fine too. I just want to fast forward through this year be at next year and be done with school have the money and move.  I have training this weekend in the day time. I think after that I am going to get a couple friends and go out find something to do. I already told Father of the Year he has to have the kids. He hasn’t had them once yet since the divorce like he is supposed to. If he decides he isn’t getting them then he has to get a sitter for them. I have to go to this training and it is his time to have them so he needs to pay a sitter if he isn’t going to. I just have to figure out what I am going to do with my Little Bitty. But I have a friend that I am sure will take her and watch her for the night. Her husband works 12 hour shifts and is hardly ever home she is there alone most nights. I would ask her if she wants to go out with me but she isn’t allowed to go out. Little Bitty will love it she really likes her and they will pain their nails and watch tv or whatever.

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