I haven’t really been interested in dating or even thinking about meeting anyone all this time. But lately I have really been thinking about it and wanting to. I don’t know maybe because things have calmed down around here now. Well maybe not calm but we aren’t dealing with father of the year and I am finally getting my house back and the way I want it. I think part of the reason I have been so depressed is not getting out and not having that person to spend time with. But like I have said before I don’t want to jump into anything either. I like the song I just want to truly take my time and find someone who wants to do the same.

I wonder I am able to do that? Am I able to just date someone or a couple someones with it being nothing more than just dating and getting to know each other and deciding if we want more. Am I able to not just jump into something like I did with farther of the year and RC? Or like my friend who it was supposed to be one thing then he decided he may want something else and then things got said and happened. Even then the text he sent me here a few weeks ago and all the stuff he said after years since we had even talked or been together.

I know that I don’t want to be with him and that is not even an option that I am thinking about. He wants things that I do not want now or in the future. I don’t know that I even really have feelings for him anymore. I do and I don’t. Even if it was an option he isn’t looking for what I am looking for. He just wants to kind of pick up from where we left off and jump into a full on relationship and family. I don’t want to do that with anyone right now. We are always on different pages and the one time we weren’t we screwed it up. If we had been able to work it out then we probably would still be together and be ok. But now there is no being on the same page because like I said we want two different things. He wants another baby and I do not want anymore kids. Now when we first got together I would have been open to having another baby. It’s just not an option for me now or in the future.

I guess too I keep thinking how much longer am I going to wait to try to meet someone or even think about dating? It has been 4 years. Because of everything I been dealing with and now it is finally done and over why keep waiting? I feel like my life has been on hold and life has been passing me by all these years. I feel like now I have my life back and can live my life again why wait.

Then I keep thinking look how fast things went with father of the year and RC, I don’t want that again I didn’t want that when I got with RC but it did. I don’t want it to and can’t have it happen again. I am not in for the here and now and end as fast as it started. I keep telling myself it is going to be different this time but then I keep thinking how am I going to make it different this time when I don’t even know why or how it happen like last time.

In school I never dated a lot, I had one ex and we dated off and on for a while. I dated another guy for a little bit then go with a guy and dated him for about two years until after I graduated. We had a long distance relationship for part of that time but I was ok with it. He came every few weeks to see me or when I had something to go to for school he would come down. We talked every night and I was happy with that. I was going to move with him when I got out of school and then changed my mind. He moved here and we stayed together for about 6 months or so after I got out of school. He started acting crazy accusing me of cheating on him, threatening me and everything else. But when he lived 100’s of miles away he never accused me of anything. I found out later he got into drugs with his brother when he came back here and had been “helping” this girl that lived by them. I think he started seeing her or messed around with her.

After him I went out with a few guys here and there mostly just a date here and there or what nothing to involved. I did date one guy from work for  little bit but that didn’t last long. I talked to others and hung out but that was really it. I didn’t want to jump into anything with any of them. I didn’t want to get with them and then decide I did’t really want to be with them. Some of them I was interested in but not sure if I really wanted anything long term with them. If I wasn’t really interested in anything long term I didn’t even bother with them. Plus a lot of them I knew pretty well we had known each other through school or whatever for a long time. So I had a pretty good idea if they were someone I was interested in or not, in what ways and what they were looking for as well.

I think the thing now is as I write all this and think about it is that, 1) the guys I am meeting or talking to I do not know anything about. I have to get to know everything about them and really have no clue what they are looking for. Be it here and now long term or something different. I only know what they tell me and I have no clue if they are lying or just saying what I want to hear. 2) I am interested in them and getting to know them but then they are not really interested in taking time they want to rush through everything. It’s like one day you meet the next day or two your talking and in no time your “together”. Now your rushing into and doing all the things couples do and now someone is moving in with someone. Now your a “couple” and living together and still trying to really get to know each other. Few months go by and guess what your both deciding what you really want or what you really think about this person and your on two different pages and your in a mess and one decides to leave. 3) Or your just deciding that maybe you shouldn’t have done this so fast and that you really should have got to know each other better first and now how do you fix it you just go your different ways and forget it instead of trying.

I don’t even know where to go or where to start to try to meet someone. I hate the dating sites, most the time half the people on them are people I already know and not interested in. The rest don’t live close or they all seem so fake it isn’t even funny. I don’t want to play games lead someone on lie about anything to try to find someone. I just want to be upfront honest and straight to the point and most don’t like that.

I want to go out this weekend or next when ever father of the year has the kids and takes them for the weekend. I don’t even have anyone to go out with I hate it. I can go by myself but then I just sit there at the bar sipping on whatever I am drinking looking lonely and desperate. There isn’t a lot of places to go around here either. But even to just go to dinner and somewhere to have a few drinks. My one friend can’t walk out of the house without her husband and he is never home he works 15 hours or more a day a lot of times. It isn’t like I’m taking her out to hook her up or find her someone to replace him. Just someone to drive me and hand out. I really don’t talk to anyone else other than my one friend who is sick and it seems that when one of us can go something happens the other can’t. I really don’t talk to anyone else anymore. They are the only two that I talk to other than my one good friend. He has an old lady and 4 kids at home so he can’t really go out either and then what are the odds of talking to someone when I’m out with a guy. We use to joke about being each others wing man but then he hooked me up with RC.

I think I am going to talk to my one friend and see if she isn’t sick if she wants to go out with me in a couple weeks when I get free time or I can find a sitter. Just see what’s out there and somewhere to go.



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