{October 29, 2016}   Trunk or Treat

I took the kids to the little kids school for their trunk or treat last night and it was okay. They had a handful of cars, mostly teachers or their families and then a water slide and bounce house. They did’t have water on the water slide since everyone was in costumes.

It seemed really disorganized and a bit of a mess. I had them go to all the cars first to get that done then let them go to the slide. There was a lady at it keeping the kids in order and from running over each other, going up the slide backwards and things like that. She wanted someone to sit at the top to keep the kids from fighting and hanging out up there so my Big Boy went up to do it. In a little bit she left and some other lady was doing it but she left in just a minute or two. I thought she was someone from the school or helping the school out who was supped to be doing it but I guess she wasn’t. because we went to the bounce house and there was no one doing anything there and it was worse than the slide. I told my little ones to go back to the slide for a while and wait for the bounce house. We got back to it it was getting way out of hand. So I took over and started doing it. My Big Boy was still up there trying to make sure they did what they were supposed to do when they were at the top I ended up standing there for an hour watching all the kids on the slide and trying to make sure they didn’t kill each other and listened. There were very few parents around I know most were staff at the schools kids and they were hellions. There was a few little boys that just would not listen no matter how much you told them. Not once did a staff member come around to see if everything war alright at the slide or bounce house. At one point the lady who was there when we first came up had to make everyone get off because it came lose and was losing air. I guess one of the parents hooked it back up. Then if something happen their going to say they don’t know how that happen.

We stayed til the end to help clean up when we asked the lady she said she didn’t think they really needed anyone that they pretty much had it there was only a few tables and things to be taken in. My kids were not happy when I went to see what we needed to help clean up. They were like we ran the slide for an hour or more they should be happy with that. I felt the same way but I said we would help clean up and so I was going to do it. No one said we had to run the slide I just done it because my little ones were playing and having a blast going up and down. They love the high slides like that for some reason. They went up and down the one at the fair I can’t tell you how many times. If they weren’t doing that they be at home watching tv or running around the house. I been with the big kids at their school all day it wasn’t going to kill them to hand out with the little kids why they had some fun.

But it is over and not something I would sign up to do again next year I don’t think. The kids want to do a trunk and hand out candy next year, if we are still there I may do that but not sure about that either. Just not impressed with it. It was the first trunk or treat we had done. I expected a lot more cars and things when I see them most the time there. I guess maybe because it is a small school.

Over all I think it is just the school, they seem to do just what they have to do get by and stay open. They do not seem to have a lot of parent involvement either. But I think it is because they do just what they have to do to be open and it is kind of cliquish with the stay and things. The fact that they do not do much is one reason my older kids are not there. It’s a great school for the little kids but I think when it comes to the older kids and offering more and doing more they fall very short.

I know the older kids school do not offer a lot of extra and things like that but they do offer some things and they only have 13 kids not a school full from 3 years to 18 years like the other school. I am just glad it is all temporary. Just make it through this year for my little guy and he can go to the other school with the older kids and after that we should be moved.

{October 28, 2016}   One Party Down

One more to go spent the day at the big kids school helping with their fall festival. The other moms and ladies were really funny and nice. We have the same inappropriate hummer. With that there were lots of laughs. The kids all seemed to have fun they played games, talked and ate.

I picked the kids up early from after care so that we could come home get everyone something to eat and in their costumes. Tonight is the little kids trunk or treat. We have to stay after and help with clean up since I couldn’t really be there before to do anything and I have the kids during it. After the kids can all chip in and help and we will be done faster.

I am so tired I just want to take a nap now and can’t. I told the kids I am not cooking tonight they are eating whatever leftover are in the fridge. If they are still hungry they can have some of their lunch stuff that is in there or make a sandwich.


{October 28, 2016}   Halloween Begins

It’s 1 am I have to be up and not only get the kids to school by 9 am but I have to stay there with them for the day. They are having their fall festival tomorrow and I am helping out. Once we leave there we have to pick the little kids up run home eat get them in their costumes and go back to their school for their fall party. Right now I am wide awake watching The Voice.

I want to go out Saturday, Father of the year is supposed to come do the birthday thing with the kids we will see if he does I guess. I want to dress up but have no idea of what because I don’t have the money to spend on a costume. I don’t even know if we are supposed to be dressing up tomorrow or not for the older kids school things. Oh well I have told them all week to ask and they didn’t. Maybe they don’t want me to. I have an idea I may do for a costume but it is not something I can do at either of their schools. Me and my friend that is supposed to go out with me Saturday are talking about going as Jack & Coke, my drank. jack-and-cokeI was looking for a Jack Daniels t-shirt it is as much as buying a costume, but I think I can get a white fabric pen for a couple dollars and a black t-shirt for a few dollars and do it. I have a red coke shirt already. We may or may not do it we haven’t decided. I just want to go out with it being Halloween it’s going to be odd sitting there with everyone all dressed up. Either way we are going out.

I have to stay up tomorrow night and get most of my school work done. I have a midterm and all my other work to get done. I think I got a little bit of it finished the other day when I was looking at it but I can’t remember what if I did. I wish I was as into it when I was taking all them classes I really didn’t care about taking or want to take. I am but like I said earlier I just can’t make myself do it as much as I want to.

{October 28, 2016}   Baby Killer

Disclaimer: This is nothing to do with who you are or are not voting for, why you are voting for them or anything like that. It is not about if you are for or against abortion even. I really do not care what your views are on either of the subjects.

This is about a teacher of a class of 5 and 6 year old’s talking to kids about things that she has no business bring up to kids in a class at school and not to kids this age at all.


I pick my 6 year old up at school and as I am helping him buckle in the truck he says to me…. My teacher said that voting Third Party is the same as voting for the lady who say says (and he whispers at this point) it’s ok for mommies to kill their babies and she is evil.

I ask him what all did she tell him about trump and what he says or does. He said nothing just that he is the one to vote for.

Now if you are going to talk about the election that is fine, if you are going to talk about how one picks what party to vote for or not to vote for that is great. But if this is the case then why not tell them about both and bring up that their is a third party?

Then tonight he comes in and tells me, mommy I am just going to vote for Trump since he is the good guy. I said honey you can’t vote your to little. He said we are going to have a vote in class. Now I want to know what is this voting is for? Why has she only told them about one party and what they are for and not both? What happens of the kids do not vote for Trump since this is the only person she is pushing? Why hasn’t she told them any of the things Trump is for that some may not like as she did with Hillary? If you want to tell them what each is for or against you can leave some things out or change them it isn’t real election and the kids are not going to know the difference but still get the point this is how we pick who we want to vote for and things.

Killing babies should not be brought up to kids this small. Anyone who has kids knows how kids can get fixed on something and how this could to turn bad. Add to that, my son already has anxiety over death and don’r fully understand it.

{October 27, 2016}   Concentration

Talking to the counselor last week she seems to thing that not being able to concentrate on my school work and things is part of what is wrong and that the medication will help it. Thinking about it she is probably right. I was thinking more from the accident and concussion but thinking about it I don’t think it is at this point. I think it was but not anymore.

Because before I couldn’t stay focused or understand what I was reading and it would take me forever to look through the pages and find the answers even. At one point I sat down done one classes work using another classes book and had not clue. I couldn’t figure out why it was so hard to find the answers and why a few were not there I had to go on line and look them up and why they were not all in the one chapter but all through the book in different chapters than what we were told to read. I keep going to the index or glossary to look things up an find them.

But now I can sit down look them up find all the information I need and put the work together. I just have no motivation to do it. Ok that is wrong I want to do it I sit here an think about doing it all the time but that is about as far as I get on doing it until I force myself to sit down and work on it Saturday and Sunday to get it all turned in by Sunday night and Monday Morning. I have a 100% in my one class 11 or 12 weeks into the semester, it’s not that I am having problems understanding it like I was before it’s just I have to force myself to do it and even then not get distracted by something else while doing it.

I guess it isn’t Concentration or motivation really that is keeping me from it. It’s my mind that is so tired that I get a little ways through one assignment and I am falling a sleep can’t hold my eyes open no matter how much I slept. That is the new thing now even when I force myself to do it and not do 20 other things at the same time I will go form wide awake to passing out. I don’t understand it because I can sleep 7 or 8 hours at night and nap for a hour or two sometimes more in the day and I am still passing out. Even when I am trying to do other stuff not just my work. It’s just my work it affects the most because I have to sit still work on the computer and read. Reading puts me to sleep anyway.

Like I said she wants me to go get all my health stuff looked at and make sure there isn’t anything else going on. I guess I will do that Monday next week if I can get in. I call to make an appointment and it is like pulling teeth to get one for a week away or even the next day. But then they always say you really need to call in the same day to get one for the day you want to go. I don’t understand that because that could take days of calling to get in that way. But I don’t know I just know that is what they say. I am going to try and call today to get one for Monday and see what I need to ask for because I do not think they will see my for my breast and my thyroid at the same time. It’s stupid they say they can only see you for one thing at a time. It is just to be able to bill for more visits. I am trying to talk myself into going and having a yearly done and I should be able to talk to them about my thyroid and my breast at that. Because most the time they want to do blood work at your yearly and I would think thyroid would be part of that or could be. And they always do breast exams when they do your yearly so if they are sore and I tell them about the problems I have been having they should write a the paperwork for that test too right? I guess we will see.

This thing with Father of The Year has been bothering me since last night when I had to make him leave my house. The way he did the other night insisting I was drinking and showing up here and then the way he did and acted last night just bothers me. I don’t know how to explain it most might not notice it but it’s different I notice I guess from being around him so much and just knowing how he is over all.

Last night he came in had My Little Guy get off the computer so he could use it and started looking something up. Then he couldn’t get into whatever it was he was looking up because he had changed the password and forgot it. I asked him about the money he owes me we are now almost to Friday again. He tells me he has $40 out of $122 he is supposed to give me. That was what he was trying to do look at his bank on line to see “where” the money went. Because he had it until he went to get it. Then he tried to say he thinks the card is charging him fee’s when he uses it. I told him it charges you a fee every time you use it if it is set up the way mine would be if I wasn’t a student. But that does not explain where like $80 went because that would be a lot of fees at 50 cent each to eat up $80. He finally got in and was looking at it but then he never did tell me where the money went or why he didn’t have mine or give me the $40 he said he was going to. I also told him he was shorting me $2 every week and that why it didn’t seem like a lot that it added up to $104 a year that he wasn’t paying that he was supposed to be paying. He just ignored me.

I added up money I have spent the last few weeks on the kids and told him how much he owed me. He said something about that. I said look they needed winter stuff I went and got that the other day. I got the boys each 3 pairs of pants and I got my oldest a pair. She already had a 4 pair two new ones and a couple old ones that are starting to get small on her. We had a cold front come through but it isn’t that cold and it is hot by 10 or 11 so they don’t need sweaters long sleeve shirts and all that right now. Just some pants with a light jacket. It is hit or miss if it is going to be a cool day. The last two they wore pants and took a light jacket, then today it was hot out when we got up. It was only $66 for the things I got but it’s the point that he is paying way less in support than he is supposed to, I wait for days on it most the time and he paid nothing for over a year why I had to figure out how to pay it all. I added what I spent on Halloween costumes and other money he owes me as well. I told him he will owe me over $400 next week. I didn’t think I owed you that much I don’t know how all this. I said well here it all is broken down. I know he isn’t going to have it because rent is due next week and he will probably be lucky to have enough to cover that. I don’t know what he is going to do but he can bet he better give me what he owes me because I am not letting him get forever behind before I go and start the process to do something about it. Because the longer I wait to start it the farther behind he gets and it takes them a while to get them in there so then that is even farther behind why I am needing the money to pay bills and things. And now he started this thing the other week he has a little receipt book he has me sign every time he gives me a payment.

After he got off the computer he just sat around here. We had dinner, watched some stuff on tv and I sent the kids to bed. He just sat here until I threw him out. Just the way he kept looking around and the way he would look at me and look when I would say he didn’t live here and didn’t need to be here. I could tell he really did not like it and was thinking something. It was making him mad too and I was very surprised he didn’t start fighting with me or arguing with me. Most of the time I say something, just like when I told him this wasn’t the laundromat he couldn’t just come here and wash his clothes or stop here to eat every day after work because I wasn’t a fast food join either. He got pissed and started telling me how he gives me money every week and things. I let him know real fast that money wasn’t for anything to do with him or so that he could come here and wash and eat all the time. That money was to pay for his part of what it cost for the kids to eat. He started about that didn’t matter and trying to tell me why what he was doing was fine it didn’t make a difference if he washed clothes here or ate here. I told him it did because when I shop I shop to feed the kids and me then I end up using more and shorting our meals and I have to buy more.

Last night I told him over and over to go home and that he didn’t live here there was no reason for him to stay the night he wasn’t going to be coming back in a few hours to take care the kids for me to do anything or anything like that. Told him he wasn’t just showing up to spend the night like he been doing or trying to do that he was told he could come see the kids but nothing was ever said about staying there was no need for it. That is was my house I had stuff to do and that I was going to do it there for he wouldn’t be able to lay here on the couch and sleep and that I didn’t want him sleeping all over my new couch and messing it up. He just look at me with this look like he was just so pissed and looking through me refused to answer me or say anything refuse to get up and go home. Then he turn back around and start watching tv again or go back to just looking at everything and looking around the room at everything. Nothing is different nothing has changed since I got the new living room set and he was here when they brought it so nothing new to look at or see.

I don’t know it just was a really weird feeling and odd. When he finally left he just got up mumbled something open the door and left. I heard him do something outside when he left not sure what that was sounded like something at one of the trucks. Mine was locked I figured he punched it or something but didn’t see anything. He was out there a few minutes and then left. Then when he got home or somewhere he sent me that message about caring day and if I care send it back.

{October 26, 2016}   Third Party
So My Little Guy just ask me who I was going to vote for the lady who kills babies in mommies tummy or trump? I guess this is what the teacher decided to talk about at school today.
I just don’t know how I feel about this conversation with 5 and 6 year old’s.
I told him to go to school tomorrow tell her he thought about it and he don’t think either one is qualified he would vote 3rd party.
I have no clue who I am voting for but if they are going to talk about this at school they should let them know that there is more than the two to pick from. 

{October 26, 2016}   Thrown Out

Today was Father of the Year’s birthday, the kids wanted him to come over so they could see him. He got off at 330 and had to go about 15 miles back by his house to drop a guy off from work. This guy he says don’t ride with him in the morning and not always in the evening. I don’t know why he told him he would take him today but ok whatever. Then he told me he had to go do something else as well before he came, probably why he told this guy he would take him home he was going back that way anyway. The kids wanted to get movies and bake a cake but like I told him by the time he got here it would be to late to do all that they needed to go to bed for school tomorrow. My Big Boy has gotten in trouble at school a few times for falling a sleep. One time wasn’t his fault but the others were because he didn’t go to bed when told. I finally told him to just come Saturday and they could get the movies they wanted and bake a cake then. He said ok but he was still coming by to see them. I was fine with that. He showed up about 7 something we were getting ready to have dinner.

We all ate and watched a couple shows the kids wanted to watch. I told my Big Boy to get a shower and then sent all the kids to bed. This was between 930 and 10. I even made the comment to him about going home he just looked at me. Then he said he was just going to stay here tonight. I said why you don’t live here? He didn’t say anything went on talking to the kids and things. I told him a few times to go home he just kind of ignored me or made off hand comments. He said it be easier to just get up and leave from here in the morning. I told him he couldn’t just come over here and decide to stay the night whenever he felt like it. He could see the kids then go home. I told him I have a mid term to study for I have to take in the morning. I have school work to get done and that I am not going to not do it tonight or go in the other room so he can sleep he needs to go home. You can do whatever it don’t matter. I said I don’t want you sitting here on top of me why I am doing it and hearing I’m why you didn’t sleep. It is my house you have a house and bed go sleep in it don’t sleep on my couch and mess it up either. I sat here and started doing stuff on line and watching my show I like to watch. He sat here through about 4 of them it was after midnight. I finally looked at him and said you have to be up in less than 6 hours to go to work and you are not going to ever get up if you don’t go home and go to bed. He started about staying here again tonight. I asked him again why when he don’t live here? That he couldn’t just come over and stay the night. Then he said he didn’t expect it to be so late when he got done seeing the kids. I said the kids have been in bed for hours now I keep telling you to go home. It was not late when the kids went to bed like I said they were in bed by 10. Then he sat here why I kept telling him to go home. I finally said go home I got to get my stuff done I am trying to get through it so I can go to bed. He got all huffy said fine you want me to go home then as late as it is? I said um yes you do not live here and I have been telling you since 930 to go home and that you had to go home. He got huff got up his stuff and stomped out pissed off.

Then he gets home and sends me a message that say something about it being National I care day to pass this along to everyone you care about including me if you care about me and it had a big thing of sparkling flashing flowers under it. I just looked at it and went on. I have told him many of times I don’t and I just had to throw you out of my house. He hates it you can tell every time I say it’s my house you don’t live here it isn’t your house how he gets pissed off.

{October 25, 2016}   Therapy

I went to my therapy appointment, I laid down and took a nap for about an hour then got distracted with other things before I got my shower. I ended up not getting in the shower until 1120 and needed to leave by 1130. I got there about 3 minutes early, not as early as I wanted to but I got there.

When I was done with the paperwork the therapist came out and got me, we went back to her office. She just asked what all was going on, if there were any life changes that had happen. I told her everything. About splitting up with Father of the Year, being with RC and him not being around, losing my dad, um going to school, being homeless, that the depression was really bad when I was pregnant that they wanted me to take somethig then but that I would’t because I was already having problems with the pregnancy and didn’t. She asked what I did for intertainment or fun. I told her I didn’t do anything that I didn’t go out or nothing like that. I told her I run the kids. I told her that I had no one to watch the kids or help with them, I didn’t have anyone that really does anything or helps in anyway. She asked how things were with my mom and where she was. I told her she has her the truth, I go take her where she needs to go when I have to, show up for holidays and answer the phone and get through calls with her other than that I avoid dealing with her. She said so you do what your “supposed” to do. I said yeah. I told her she needs to be seen and treated for ocd, depression and anxiety but refuses to talk to anyone or take and thing. That I can’t deal with her no more than I have to. That she can decide not to do anything about it and that is fine but I chose not to go around anymore than I have to. She was like I don’t blame you at all I understand that.

She asked what I was like and my personality or what. I said I’m pretty laid back and easy going. I said my friends say I am very independent, blunt and don’t take no crap. I said I don’t sugar coat things and if someone does something or I think they are this way or that and start I call them on it and move on. If I don’t like the feeling i get or what i see i won’t even mess with them. She said oh well we should get along just fine because I am the same way. She said I have no felter. I said me either I just don’t care anymore. I was always the peace keeper and go between and keep my mouth shut most the time. I said I just don’t care anymore this is my life and this is how it is if you don’t like it move on. She was like I do not blame you you have to have boundaries and stand up for yourself.

When she was done the first thing she said was that she feels I need something more than her. I need to go see my doctor or a shrink and get on some medication for a little bit because I have had so much happen and so many of them big things. So much that should have just done it but I have just been hanging on for so long. That she thinks it would help to get on something to kind of help me. She said if I wanted to go to a shrink then to give them her card I could just go there pretty much when I needed my medications since they would know I was seeing her. Other wise I would have to go there once a week or so as well. I could just go to them and skip her since they can do it all but I really like her and want to stay with her. She also told me that she wants me to get into the doctor right away for my yearly because I have not done all that since I was pregnant. She wants me to get blood work and thyroid checked. I do have thyroid problems she said that could be it as well I may not need medication if they find something is wrong with the thyroid and put me on something for it.

Like I told her I feel pretty good right now and like I am on a upswing and I don’t feel like the other foot is going to fall or some big thing is going to happen. But I can’t force myself to get up and do the things I need to do, I can’t concentrate I either can’t sleep or want to sleep all the time. I am supposed to go back on the first at 1 to see her again. We talked I have been down before and able to get myself out of it but this time I just can’t get past this no motivation feeling this time. That is another reason she wants me to get a good check up, get things checked out make sure it isn’t something medical going on and if not then to get on medication for depression and anxiety.

When she ask if I had support of any kind I told her no both of my closer friend are going through pretty bad medical things so I don’t tell them to much or talk to much about things. I told her I had my one friend that if it is to bad I can text or call and talk to some but that we don’t talk often. But when things get to bad I go to him because I can say anything and not feel judged or like he is going to freak out because we are a lot a like and nothing surprises us much anymore and we just have that we can just be 100% honest. But that was it we just talked no other kind of help. Just my vent to person.

Now I have to go get the kids from school and they are having father of the year over because it’s his birthday. Puke eye roll.


{October 25, 2016}   Therapy Soon

I have to leave in two hours to make it to my appointment on time. I just want to take a nap, but I know I can’t because if I do I won’t get up in time to go. I still need to take a shower and find what I am going to wear. Not that I have to get dressed up or what but see what the weather is like in two hours. It is starting to try and get cool here so you never know when it is going from being cool to blazing hot. It happens with in minutes, i can check outside go get dressed and come back in a few minutes and it’s nothing like it was when I checked. I am watching Forensic Files and killing time on line until I can go take a shower and start getting ready. I hate getting dressed and ready to earl.

I keep thinking about going to this appointment but more that I have it really, rather than what I am going to talk about or how it is going to go. I still haven’t told anyone that I am going I just told them I have a test or appointment if they ask I just say for a test or to do with school. I went to bed at 1 or before and got up at 745. It’s only 945 and I can hardly hold my eyes open.

et cetera
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