Single___Parent___Life











{October 24, 2016}   Happy Birthday Daddy

Today would be my dads 62nd birthday if he was still alive. It’s still hard to believe he is gone and that this is the 2nd birthday that has come since he passed. If he was still alive he would come over for dinner and cake, the kids would be so excited they would help cook and bake a cake. Once dinner was done and they had their cake they would drag out the big checker board and take turns playing checkers. That was always mine and my dads game and when he seen the one I had he always played with the kids when he was over. He would have my Little Bitty sitting right next to him or on his lap teaching her how to play already and letting her help him. They would be telling stories about their day and what they did at school and showing him their report cards they will be getting today. He give them a dollar for each of their A’s and B’s. They would be thrilled and tell him how they were going to put it with the rest of their money they have saved. My Big Boy would tell him all about the Tortoise he is saving for and my Little Guy would tell him how he is saving for guinea pigs.

He would stay the night and we would take the kids to school the next day and spend the day hanging out and doing whatever, probably shopping and going out to eat. My dad didn’t like to shop but if he found something he wanted for the kids he couldn’t wait to get it. He would probably want to do some kind of shopping for them even though they don’t need anything. Then to go out to eat because he liked eating out. Then we would pick the kids up and we would drop him off at home or I would drop him off before I picked the kids up depending on where we ended up going during the day.

It is still so hard to believe he is gone. It don’t really get better with time you just get number with time. I had a test and some other things I was going to do today then I seen what the date was and changed everything because I didn’t figure I would feel much like doing anything. I was probably right. I was sitting here doing stuff and started thinking about it about two hours ago and just started crying. Just thinking about how I miss seeing him all the time and his hugs and just spending time with him. Talking to him about things that are going on and having him around to help when I need it. I have branches on a tree out front blocking my driveway right now I need cut. If I can’t get it done myself I am going to have to call someone and pay them to do it. If my dad was here it be done in little bit. I have one of his saws out there he gave Father of The Year that I kept when he left. I knew he just pawn it and lose it, he talked about doing it before when he wanted money. It was my dad’s and he gave it to him to use for things we needed done not to pawn and get money. Besides Father of The Year knows nothing about a saw and would probably end up cutting something off trying to use it. He never been around them or used one.

I am going to try to get them down myself because I think I can stand on the ground and cut them all pretty easily. I won’t mess with them if I have to climb on something with the saw I don’t feel safe doing it, if it comes to that I will call my dads friend that he has known since I was a baby who use to work with my dad and has now open his own company. I know he won’t try to take advantage of me because I “don’t” know any better or something like that. I called him about some work I needed done before and he gave me a fair price. If he isn’t able to get to it then I will see if my yard guy is comfortable doing it, well maybe. I know he would but I don’t know if I am comfortable with him doing it because I have seen him with a saw and I would hate for him to get hurt out here. I probably wouldn’t want him to do it if he had to get up on a ladder or something either thinking about it. Oh well I am not worried about it I am sure I can get someone to do it for me and not try to rip me off. If I think they are god knows I have no problem telling them so and sending them on their way so no worries really.

I guess I am going to try and get some sleep and hope that I can.



{October 23, 2016}   Nightmare

I went to bed about 2 this morning because I couldn’t hold my eyes open to get my school work done. I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow and didn’t wake up until about 9 this morning. I dreamed all night it was so real.

In my dream hell had frozen over, I know it did because I had remarried Father of the Year!!! Even in my dream I was like what the hell is this what the hell am I doing. Next thing I know it’s the next day and I am dropping Father of the Year off at work and he gets arrested for smuggling or something like that. I was livid and went off, I was telling him I didn’t know how he got me to marry him again what a screw up he was that he was on his own I wasn’t going to get him out he could just sit there until they did whatever with him.

I went to my old office where I use to work to tell them if he called not to go get him and that I wasn’t going to be responsible for helping him get out. Before I knew it I was answering phones and working. At one point I had some of the kids there with me. I ended up working a full day all the while I was just trying to get out of there and go home I just stopped in to talk to them a minute. I finally got home and I got a call to come back down there for something. I got there they said something I said so you want me to work again and they said yes. But they wanted me to work full time 8 to 5 like before. I told them I was taking classes and had the kids in school that I had things to go to and on with them, test to take a the school and work to get done. Working full time would be hard. They agreed that I could take off anytime I needed to and I could bring my school work with me and work on it when we weren’t busy. I told them I would try it but I didn’t know if I could do it all the time like before if not then I would have to change things up get off earlier and thing. That I needed to b paid more weekly than what I was makings. They were running two companies now I would be helping with both so it should be more anyway.

I remember calling and talking to a few people and telling them how up set I was how I had screwed up and I just wanted away fro him that I didn’t want to do this again to start with I didn’t know what happen and things. Then I woke up.

 

 



{October 23, 2016}   Ranting

I don’t even know what to call this post but I am pissed off. I had not heard from Father of the Year in two or three days I was happy. I also had not heard from my mother in as many or more days just as good.

Tonight the kids wanted to watch some dvds that we got and wasn’t sure where the player was or how to hook it up. I told them and they tried and then they moved wires around and tried some more and couldn’t get it to work.

My oldest called her dad to ask him how to get it hooked up and they had the same that we already had, black and white and busing. Then he wants me on the phone so I get on the phone and he starts, what was I doing, why wasn’t I hooking it up, why didn’t I help them. I told him I had that it wasn’t working I didn’t know anymore about trying to fix it than they did other than just hooking and unhooking wires. Now I am back there trying to figure it out I finally got sound and no busing. He keeps saying this and that I told him to wait I was trying to figure out what we had and what was going on. He keeps on and on. The cords are color coded so it should be easy but it isn’t because we have cords of one color and different colors on the player or he tv.

He starts this shit what is wrong with you what are you doing? Then he says two or three times to me are you drinking? Have you been drinking? I’m like no there is nothing wrong with me your phone is cutting in and out again. I’m not drinking I don’t know what you are talking about. He keeps on again sounds like your drinking you have been drinking what are you doing bullshit. I tell him I am find I don’t know what he is talking about and that we have it hooked up. He says he has to go he is driving and trying to get home. I tell him fine we have it he wasn’t being any help anyway not making any since we have it working.

We get it going sit down and just get into the movie, my friend called I was talking to her about all that is going on with her and someone knocks on my door. I look out and it is him and my mother. I was so pissed then they sat here for like two hours. Of course we have a couch full of clothes that need folded because we have been doing laundry today the dog had just pissed on my carpet lovely. The dog was excited to see people here so she was trying to get out the door and see her.

She starts freaking out about the dog and she is such a bad dog and she was trying to attack her and she shouldn’t act that way when you bring someone in the house and she shouldn’t bark when she is in the cage and there is someone in your house she can see them. Yes she is going to bark and try to get to you she wants to see who you are, yeah she is going to bark at you when your in her house and she is in the cage because she hasn’t got to see who you are or anything about you and now she is locked in a cage your in her house with her family and she don’t know you. She is the same way when we are in the yard and someone walks by but if she gets lose she runs over smells and licks them. Any dog is going to bark and things when you are coming around their property or in their house and they are being restrained from coming up to you but you are coming up on them. Then telling the kids how she is a bad mix of different breeds of “bad” dogs and how we need to get rid of her. How she pee on the carpet and it’s dirty and making the house dirty. I was trying to roll the carpet up and take it out when they came and I will go out and scrub it with cleaner and the hose tomorrow. She would not have pee in the carpet if they had taken her out. She does really good now that she is older and house trained but she still can’t hold it forever and needs to go more often and faster than the other dog they try to put her off as long as they can or until they are forced to take her out. Then she will have accidents. But for the most part she is good about not going in the house.

Then she is asking me what night I want him to “watch” the kids. No not watching them taking them being a dad and doing what he is supposed to do and have the when it is his time. I said I might go out. It was with who and where and I shouldn’t do that and all that goes on these days. On and on she went. Then in a little bit she said something then says so you don’t want him to come and watch them then? I said no I didn’t say that I said I didn’t know I haven’t decided. I haven’t found anyone that don’t have plans or already doing something but I am still trying to decide what I am going to do.

Then she was back on the dog and started about RC and how I never wanted a bull dog until I was with him. How they have these dogs and teach them to be mean and how tough a dog they have. Farthest thing from the truth and she had no clue what she is talking about. yeah he had one but no one was trying to make it mean or anything like that. Far from it he worked and worked with that dog even as good as he was because of the kids and to make sure he was good with them. He worked and got him so that he wouldn’t take food out of your hand and things even from the little kids unless they gave it to him because of my little one when we started going over there. The reason I have a dog with the mix in her is because I didn’t know my dog was in heat she was out and got pregnant. We had already been talking about getting another dog because we had always had two and our other passed the year before. Then we found out she was pregnant I wasn’t going to have this little of puppy’s give them all away or take them to the shelter and dump them like she wanted us to do and then go get another one. She has a littler of puppy’s then keep one. Keeps one more puppy out of the shelter and off the street. Not add to the shelter and then go get another one because it isn’t what you picked. Hell the shelter gave me one that was horrible with my kids after refusing to give me the one that was great with them. It’s all in how they are raised and these three dogs that she is talking about she done said before the owners were mean to them didn’t treat them right and things. Now she says oh they were raised there and been there since they were puppy’s blah blah. One I know they had, had problems with them from the time they got him I don’t know where they got him but he tried attacking a few people then they woke up with him attacking them. It was no surprise and no compairasen to my dogs who I have had the one since birth and know how she has been treated and taken care of and always around my kids. The other I have had sine she was 6 weeks old and know the people I got her from very well. Neither have been miss treated or tried to attack anyone not even her even though she says she does every time she comes over. She is a barker and she is a puppy she is excited to see people when they come over and to get attention.

Then he is texting me after he gets home telling me how worried he is about me and he thinks I need to get checked out and something is wrong. I wasn’t answering him and there was a delay when I was. He thinks there is something wrong from when I wrecked my truck and things. I said no I was answering you but I told you to hold on I was trying to do something and your phone kept cutting in and out. I started ignoring you and went on doing what I was trying to do like I told you I was. I also told you I was fine and that I wasn’t drinking but your just trying to start shit for whatever reason you are. He says I don’t know what you are talking about and I still care about you and this is hard. What was the big deal we came over what are you trying to hide. I said I wasn’t trying to hide anything we were trying to clean up get stuff done here and I have tons of school work to get done it’s 10 something at night, now it is after 1 and nothing had gotten done they haven’t gotten to watch their movies or anything else. He says no you weren’t you were watching movies not doing things. Like he knows what we have been doing or what we are doing. I said no your not here and don’t know we were putting the movie in for the little kids and trying to get stuff done so that I can do my school work and the kids can watch movies too.

They just piss me off, the kids don’t even want to go over there. They want to see him but they don’t want to go stay over there and he isn’t going to keep coming here and hanging out either. He hasn’t been coming over very often at all or calling and I haven’t been contacting him or trying to get a hold of him until the kids wanted to last tonight then he pulls this shit.

Ah she started about my stove and having stuff sitting on it. Someone left the box of ice cream cones on it when we were having ice cream so my house is going to burn down and the kids are going to get stuck in the house. Make sure everything is off of it when we go to bed at night you never know and what might happen.

 



{October 22, 2016}   It Just Keeps Coming

In less than 24 hours I have had two out of my three closes friends told they have cancer. One has been having trouble for a month or more with her breast leaking blood and puss. She went to the doctor and has been waiting on them to get her mammogram set up. They called her Thursday and told her to be at the hospital the next day for 4 different test not just a mammogram. I guess they sent the results over to the doctor as soon as they were done. She called me today upset and freaking out.

The doctor told her that they found a large mass and that she has had something going on for a while and that it’s not good. That it has been a long time for her to have the leaking that she has. He told her that she is going to have to make some big decisions and make them fast she don’t have time to wait. They need to do a few more test and get started on treatment.

She told him that she wants them to take both breast and go from there. He was shocked that she had thought that much into it and knew what she wanted to do already. But me and her have been talking about it for a while and what if it was cancer (we knew most it was so prepare for worst) and what was best options to do. Even with it in one breast with already having it in one and her families history of cancer she figures it is best to go ahead and take both than waiting to see if it spreads or comes back and going through it all again. I don’t blame her I would do the same thing. She wants to wait the year or so and then have reconstructive surgery for her breast. I don’t know that I would go as far as to have them redone if I had to have them removed. I have been flat chested most my life until the last few years when I got fat and had kids. I don’t know if I would go through the pain and all that it takes to do that. But I can’t really say for sure if I would or wouldn’t.

Then my other friend who is so sick was back at the er yesterday they patched her up and sent her home like always. She has told them and told them she can’t get the doctors she needs and they just keep telling her there is nothing they can do. They told her yesterday she needs to see a GI doctor like always but now her esophiguse is bleeding and she is all inflamed down to her stomach. They told her that they are pretty sure it is cancer but nothing they will do for her she needs to figure out how to go to the doctor. If they would just do the test and tell on paper that the test shows it is cancer then she could get help but until she has something saying it has been shown from test they won’t give her help for anything that she needs help for. I have been trying to help her figure out how to get help. They sent her home with enough medication for the weekend and told her to get to someone right away. The medication they gave her to get through the weekend if $300. I don’t know how they think she can get that when she is telling them she don’t have the money and needs help. Even when they kept her for a week they did nothing for her but give her medication and fluids. Told her they were going to get some test she needed done taken care of to help her and did nothing. New doctors and things came on told her that they were not going to do nothing for her but get her feeling better and send her on her way. They couldn’t help it if she can’t get help to see a doctor. She has had health problems for a long time and bad ones for her age. If she had treatment maybe able to work and be doing better than what she is right now but since she has had no help she hasn’t been able to work and now worse than ever. They told her she probably has a year to live if she don’t get the help.

Cancer just sucks and it is hitting everyone I am close to and hard. I have all this stuff that they have told me for over a year now to get checked out and see what it is. I haven’t been to the first doctor for it. I was going to go when I had problems with my face swelling and hurting. I figured once they took care of that I would go from there and work on getting everything checked. I have gotten no where with that and no one wants to help or seems worried about it. It was a huge run around for nothing. I feel like why even try with the rest because it will probably turn out to be the same. And I am back to do I really even want to know? Would I rather just not know and live life. If I find out where do I go from there just forget it and live life, get treatment or what. Do I tell my family because I don’t really want them to know but then maybe the kids should know but why tell them and make them worry when there is no need to right now. If I tell the rest of my family they are going to be asses about it and push for what they want and they are the only ones that know and the doctors don’t know and you need to do this, do that, find a different doctor ask the them for this and that and not getting treatment isn’t an option with them. so it will be more stress and fight than anything else if they knew. Because I wouldn’t do what they wanted they be trying to force me into it talking about it all the time and I’m sure take the kids.

I need to figure out what I have to do next week and decide if I am going to go to the doctor or not since I missed going last week.



{October 22, 2016}   Random Thought # 4

I got up and stopped to feed the fish and things in the tank, because I am really not sure when they were fed last. I as I was putting the different foods in I had the thought, how are you going to go talk to some stranger and tell them all about your problems and what is wrong with with you? You don’t know this person from any other person on the street and your going to tell them all your flaws and problems? You are so careful to not let anyone in but then you are going to just go pour it all out to this person you don’t know. You only have one person you have told the darkest of the dark to and you have known him for 26 years. How are you going to just go in there and tell someone you have never met?

Is she going to ask questions? Just expect you to talk? What is she going to want to talk about? The bigger question is what do I want to talk about? Why am I going there? I don’t know really, I do and I don’t I guess. It is hard to explain it is kind of like writing on here sometimes you have a ton to say it just over flowing, while other days you have nothing at all to say and may not write for days even though your goal is to write every day or every few days.

I honestly in my head going I don’t know I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. If I don’t know now how am I supposed to talk to this person Tuesday when I go in?

This is what I have been thinking about sine. I just have a really hard time opening up to people I don’t know and do not trust anyone really. Oh well I guess I will do like always and just wait and see.



{October 21, 2016}   Over Slept

I ended up with all the kids home with me today. I didn’t get to bed until 3 am, that would have been fine if I had set the alarm right. But the kids don’t have to be at school until half hour after the little kids, with less lunches to make and people to get ready I could set the alarm for later. I set it for later alright, I set it for pm instead of am. We woke up at time to leave when the dog woke me up yer again. They kept me up all night for some reason couldn’t figure out what was wrong with them. I told the kids to get ready so we could go and my oldest who was all worried about getting her report card said she was going back to bed. They haven’t missed any days this year but one when we left for the store so they should be fine. The other days they were off everyone was off so they weren’t missing anything then either.

We all slept a little while longer now we are eating lunch, going to take my friend to the hospital and costume shopping. The girls have their costumes, they are going as wolves. My Little Bitty has said she wants to be the big bad wolf for a month or more now. I found her a wolf mask and tail the other day and last night I got her a gray long sleeve shirt and gray leggings to go with it. My oldest just likes wolves and decided she wanted to be one too. She got leggings, shirt and tail like my little one but she got ears for her head since they can’t wear mask at school. I tried to get her to get one of the wolf costumes at the store but she didn’t like them. She didn’t like the little skirts and things with it. I tried to get her a different dress but she wanted the same as the little one. I had a gray dress here that would probably been really cute and not skimpy but I have tore my closet apart looking for it and can’t find it anywhere. Really makes me mad because it was one of the few that I have that I really liked.

Oh well, I better get off here go get dressed and ready. They are cleaning out the truck so that we can get out of here and get back.

 



{October 21, 2016}   Finally Made an Appointment

The other day I told you all that I almost went to the place to make an appointment to talk to a counselor but then came home. Tuesday I went and took my mom to the bank to pay a bill for my grandma, when we got to the bank I seen that the counseling place was now in the same building as the bank. It’s just a few blocks from where my kids go. I didn’t say anything or go there then I don’t want her, father of the year or anyone else to know I am going to talk to anyone. She will just like she always does try to start in some way either by calling down there and saying things or making comments about me going on what. It’s just how she is I already know and it isn’t anyone else business that I am going.

Today I called over there to see what I needed to bring with me to get in to talk to someone. The lady I talked to set everything up over the phone and I go next Tuesday. I wanted to go on a Wednesday or Thursday morning but she said that was all she had earlier in the day she could look at next month and see what she had. I told her no I would just take that time and see about setting up something earlier for my next time.

She asked why I wanted to be seen, I told her depression. She asked if there was anything else or something like that. I told her just the depression and anxiety and that I had dealt with them since I was about 14. She said, they do not prescribe any medication there. They said that they only had psychiatrist there no psychologist. I told her that was fine that I had only taken medication once in the past but would prefer not to, that was why I was looking for someone to talk to.

I figure I will go there and talk to them and see how it goes. If I it don’t seem to help or they seem to think that I need more then I guess they will refer me to somewhere else that can do more. But I don’t really want to do more. Honestly right now I just don’t want to take anything and don’t think that I need to take anything. But isn’t that what everyone says? But when I think about it I might because of the being so tired all the time no matter how much sleep I get and the walking around in a fog all the time never remembering the things I am supposed to. Thank god my little ones go to after care I had no idea it was a half day today and no school tomorrow until I picked them up. I didn’t know my older two only have half day. I have to be at the doctor tomorrow at 11 for my breast. I am thinking about changing it but they are sore and I need to do something about them. But if I don’t go it will be a week or two before I will be able to again. I can take them they will have daycare open but I hate to send them when they really don’t have school. I told them they may have to go but if they do only why I go to the doctor and then I would pick them up. I hate this I try to make everything so it is when they are at school and then screw up. It is almost

12:30 am and I am tired but I’m not. I can’t sleep. I even thought about letting everyone stay home but my oldest is pitching a fit to go because she gets her report card tomorrow and she can’t wait until Monday to see what she got. They missed time because of what happen with the teachers and when we had the storm so they really need to go. So I have to get up and take them anyway and take my friend and drop her at the hospital so I don’t know if I am going to go or not.



{October 17, 2016}   The Calm After The Storm

Coming home and having a home to come back to was such a relief, it has also just left me with this odd since of calmness. Just that everything is how it is supposed to be for the time being, that I should not change my plans that I have for school or anything like that. I feel like I should just be and enjoy the up swing that we are on without worrying that the bottom is going to fall out.

I was looking around at my living room tonight thinking that it is almost complete, I went and bought two new floor lamps last night to go with the new furniture and things. I bought them because a year or more ago the dog chewed the cord to both my others in half, they were spliced back together with wire nuts. Not really the safest either. I had really forgotten about it until I started moving everything around and one of the cords got pulled apart so I was down to one lamp. It was to dark in here last night so I went to get another. I was only going to buy one because of money and the other cord is holding up even though it probably isn’t safe. I went to a different store than where I bought these I found a few they had left. It is a discount close out store so they just get this and that and a few of things most the time. I grabbed one and headed to check out. I was thinking it was less than what I paid for them at the other store. Then I noticed how hievy the box was and started looking at it, these were much nicer more sturdy lamps than the ones I had bought at the other store for more money. The ones I have are like something for a dorm room or something cheaply maid. I thought man I want two of these I will have to come get another one later so they will match and they are nice. They should last a long time. Then I thought of where I was at and that they only had 4 or 5 in the store. I ended up going and getting another one right then because I knew they wouldn’t have them later I would pay twice as much or more for a matching one later. I looked when I got home and ones like it at the other store start at $30 and go up for one. I got both of these for $36.

Now all I need is some stuff to put on the walls. For the last two years we had our two maps and white board hanging up there. I have been wanting to put something else up instead but can’t decide what. I looked around at the stores we were in last night but didn’t really see anything for the living room. But the walls are to empty. Other than that it feels so right, it feels good that was have what we want and are starting to enjoy our home and our life.

Also with this new found calm I have this drive to want to date. It is not just that feeling of being lonely and wanting to be with someone, or that missing having someone around but still have that feeling of not being ready and not really wanting anyone around at the same time. This is a feeling that hey everything is ok, you have done what you needed to do for the kids and things it is time to do something for you. Go out there and meet some new people get out date have some fun. I don’t have mixed feeling about it and should I wait until we get moved, I need to finish school and just worry about school or what needs to be taken care of. For once I feel that it’s all good and I can really start to date.

I feel like as long as I don’t change my plans for school, moving, meeting the kids, taking it slow and other things then I should jump back out there and enjoy life and find someone to enjoy it with. For once in my life I feel like I can do that and not rush into things again like I have in the past. I just can’t explain how good I feel and how ok I feel with all this with really no worries surprisingly.

The other night in the store this guy walked by me and god he smelled so good. He had some spray on. I thought about it I hardly ever do I smell any guy wearing a body spray or something like that. I don’t know why it is such I turn on if you don’t bath in it.



{October 15, 2016}   A Pompous…….

I don’t know if I am just so over whelmed and stressed that I read it wrong or if my teacher changed things up again on us. The one I was telling you about that gave us 48 hours to get it in after the storm and things. But when I went back there after writing Drowning In Work and it says that everything is due Monday.

I don’t know if he had so many complaints that he decided to do it, if someone went to the provost office and complained about all that was due and what little time he expected us to make it up in or if telepathically he has heard all the times I have called him a pompous ass today. I can say that I really don’t care why the hell he changed it I am just glad he did because it was taking a lot to keep from emailing him and telling him what a pompous ass he really was.

As I write this and think about it I know that he went in and changed it sometime while I was off because I remember him saying if I needed more time past yesterday morning I would need to prove to him I just got power or internet back on. Still going with he is a pompous ass. His class so for is super easy. But he don’t make it easy to know what is when he or where things we need to know are. We can’t email him the way we email anyone else we have to go out of where our classes are and use our school email. Half the time I forget to even check it after I write him because I never ever use that email for anything. Then his message whenever he put it up is not posted where every other teacher post them where it pops right up and you see all of them from all your teachers as soon as you log in. He posted it at the bottom of the home page for his class. Well there has always been writing there so no one scrolls down to look and see what it says because it has not changed in 8 weeks, hell most don’t ever even go to the home page we go straight to our work pages and that’s it. Other than dealing with him and just how he is over all the class really is supper easy. We watch a video he makes each week and fill in the blank on our notes he has up, then we take the other set of notes or whatever look up the page numbers he tells us and make note of the information he says is important on that page. Then we have ten minutes to take a ten question quiz there are two one for the video and notes and one for the information we had to look up.

But the way he has done over this storm is not right and something needed said. I have let up on it to get other stuff done since it isn’t due until 7 am Monday. That let me get one of my Sunday classes done so far for both weeks.

I again can not hold my eyes ope and it is 4:15 am. I really need to just push through get all this done the next few days but I don’t think I am going to be able to.



{October 14, 2016}   I Did It…..Almost

Yesterday I thought of this places that does counselling other than our local community place that handles that kind of things. Not sure what you call it. It is more like a hospital than an office they have a pharmacy in and out patient care. It seems like they are more about medicating you and sending you on your way than really trying to help you. I understand that some may need medication and that is fine. I have taken them in the past and may need them again, I am not anti medication but I prefer to try other things and use them as a last resort. I know that for me just having someone to talk to really helps me. But I don’t know that is going to help me alone or not this time around because of feeling so tired and having no energy even when I do get sleep and not stressed. If not and I need to take something I am ok with trying that as long as I don’t feel like a zombie or numb to everything. I don’t want to just not care or walk through life feeling drugged all the time. I feel like the place I was going to go to that is what they are going to do just hand me medication and that is going to be that. I know at times your supposed to have an hour time slot they get you in and out in a few minutes or half hour because they are behind or in a hurry and want to get out of there. I don’t want that.

Yesterday I was talking to someone and counselling came up and we were talking about it was really the only place you could go to get help they do a sliding scale for your fee and things if you don’t have insurance. I thought of another place in my area a little closer to me that has a sliding scale but also takes insurance and they are more like a private practice office than the other place I was going to go to. I know they have some good people there that really work with their clients and really care. I had a friend that went there for a while when he was going through a really hard time and a crisis. He was able to get a hold of of his counselor after hours or on the weekend if he needed to.

The other place you can call for days and not get a call back from anyone much-less your worker. I have a family memeber that see’s them and they were called all weekend and days during the week because we were having problems with them and wasn’t sure if we should call someone, take them to the hospital if they could call ahead and let them know that we were bring them in to make sure they got the proper help or anything they never called us back. Knowing this person had two suicide attempts in the past. Lucky there was someone who could stay with them and things until things were worked through and to do something it things got worse. But what if that had been a client on their own calling for help and no one answered or returned a call? What may have happen or if it had been someone calling for a client and they were not able to stay with them to make sure everything turned out ok and thought that the worker was going to call back and they never did?

I was really happy I had thought of this place and really wanted to go there and talk to them about seeing someone. I am hoping they take my insurance and if they don’t the fee isn’t to high and I can pay it so that I can see someone there. I got the kids up and ready for school, I got dressed and ready with them and was going to go there right after I dropped them off since it isn’t to far from my older kids school. I left the school and headed back home. I realized and turned around and while doing that talked myself out of going. I decided it was probably better to call and see if they would see me and set everything up. Even though I hate calling anywhere and doing that kind of thing. I like to go in in person talk to them do all the paperwork and everything I need to do and go from there. But I told myself I probably didn’t have all they were going to ask for and that the time I was going to take there talking to them and waiting was time I was taking away from my work that I really needed to be doing. I just pulled out the other direction again and went home. Then I was really aggravated with myself for doing it and not going there and finding out if and how they could help me and getting a time to be seen set up or at least getting everything done and finding out what I needed to bring back in so I could get set up.

I told myself I had so much other stuff to do that I need to get it done and then worry about doing that when I have more time for me and to do that kind of things. Because I have the field trip next week, my two test, the doctors for my breast and to get the truck fixed. I need to take the two little ones to the doctor and set up a bunch of appointments for all the kids. The older two need to go to the doctor about their thyroid, the one needs to go about her skin, one needs to go about testing for his learning and things. When do I really have time to go see these people and talk to them every week with all the other things we already have to do and all I need to add to it? I know it is just an excuse so I was even more angry at myself for not going and making excuses.

Wednesday is a new day to try again to get there and get this started. I will be gone out of town all day on a field trip Monday, have my test and running my mom around on Tuesday. Wednesday after my test on I have rest of the week to get there and the other doctor and get everything set up. I just need a kick in the butt to do it I guess I don’t know.



et cetera
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