{November 11, 2016}   You either Trust or You Don’t

How can you be in a relationship with someone that you do not trust? I don’t know for everyone else but for me trust is like one of the biggest things to me if not the biggest. I can’t just trust you in some areas and not others. I have to trust you 100% or I can’t have a relationship more than friends with you.

I have friends who do not trust their other half to do things without them. Like the other weekend when me and my friend went out, I asked another friend to go with us. She told me she couldn’t because it would break her “rule” and she didn’t want to break it or then her husband would or could.

I was a little confused, she said that she don’t want him going out alone or with his friends because she is scared he will cheat on her. So she has a rule that if they go out they have to go out together.

Me and her can go out to lunch, shopping, or anything else. But we can’t have a girls night out and go have drinks or go to a bar or two like me and my other friend did. Because if he did he might cheat.

I understand that he cheated in the past and it was when he went out and left her at home. But that has been forever ago and they were both into a lot of things and different people back then. Their life then is nothing like it is now. They both have over come a lot and have done a 180 in life.

I could never stay with someone who cheated on me, it is a deal breaker. For me trust is hard for me to give to that degree and very few people get it. If I have chosen to trust you to that extent and you break it then it can’t be regained.

That is the main thing that happen with me and Father of the Year. He broke the trust and since he did that no matter what I did or tried I do not feel I can trust him again. Not to the degree to have a intimate relationship. Really not much of any kind of relationship other than being civil to each other for the sake of the kids. It was like an instant thing when he did it and hit happen.

I understand her hubby cheated but to me if you agree to stay together then you have forgiven and trust again. Maybe not right away but 10 years later if you do not trust them have you really forgiven? Do you really have a relationship? If you only trust them to go work and come home?

He goes fishing sometimes but then she gets upset if he don’t answer his phone or a few times he has come home and left his phone at work and she was mad. Why he needed to leave his phone at work, what was he hiding and things. Really he just forgot it because he can’t keep it in his pocket all the time.

I really don’t know what to say to her when she says she can’t break her rule and go because then he can if he wants and she don’t want him to. Or she gets all mad because he forgot his phone at work, or can’t get a hold of him for a few minutes why he is fishing or at the store. Because I could not live that way. I have made the comment that if I don’t know how she lives like that if I don’t trust who I’m with I’m not with them. She just say’s your single or if you were married you would understand. I told her I went out when I was married it didn’t stop me. Because we both knew who we were with and were happy and weren’t worried about the other looking for someone else. He went out if he wanted to, I didn’t care. Neither one of us went out very often with friends without the other because we liked going together and spending the time together. But if we wanted to go with friends wasn’t a big deal.

I understand wanting to go with the other and spend the time together or liking to go together, but when the other isn’t around to go because of work or what then that isn’t an excuse. Like the other week when we went out she said if her hubby was off to go they would love to go out with us but he had to work. I didn’t say anything. She knows that I don’t get out often at all so I have to go when I can. I didn’t say it to her but sometimes I want to go out with just the girls and not have the guys tag alone. It gives us a chance to talk and just relax.

Me and my friend stopped by her house at like 2 am when things closed, before we went home. She was so thrilled we stopped by and had been sitting there depressed all night because everyone she knew was out or at parties and she was sitting home alone all night, while he worked. He didn’t get home until after 5 am. She would have been home long before he got home so that wasn’t a problem either. Just that she don’t trust him and she would rather sit there depressed and miserable all night alone.

I just couldn’t live that way. It’s like if you do not have full trust in someone then how can you have a relationship if you want to. You have to stop and think about everything you want to do or they might want to do and decide if you trust them to do it or not then give them permission to do it or lay down rules like a parent. I don’t want to feel like someone’s parent I want to feel like an equal.

In relationships in the past it has never been one asking the other if they could do something or telling them they can’t. If we wanted to go out with friends we would check with the other to make sure there wasn’t something else going on and it worked for both of us. If we didn’t like something the other done then we talked about it with them and let them know why. Sometimes the other would agree not to do what ever it was again, other times they may say well I understand how you feel but I can’t say I won’t do it again because of this that and the other and then a happy middle would be found or the other would just have to understand that this is how it was. But most times a happy middle was found or it just wasn’t done again.

That is how a relationship should be not a rules and permission kind of thing.

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