I just had this post all done and ready to post just had to hit the button and my computer froze and I lost it all not one word to be found. I should have written it in a word document and then pasted here. I could scream. I guess I will try rewriting it and hope it works this time.

Trigger Warnings Sex, abuse, help

I don’t know what else to call this because the reactions of others is why I am writing. Me and a friend tonight were talking and joking around about sex. We were talking about her hysterectomies and getting your tubes tied and guys having vasectomies. She had a full hysterectomy. She was saying how it hurts horribly now when she has sex and it has for years since she had it. We had talked about it before and I researched it and found that a lot of women have a lot of problems that they do not tell you about before you have it. They don’t tell you that they could be problems after having one or that it could be related when you go in complaining of them. But it’s funny how many women have them after. They do not tell women they shorten the vaginal canal or that it cuts a major supply of the blood flow and things to the clit. They don’t explain to women that when you orgasm that a major part of what you are feeling is your uterus contracting. Many women have trouble having orgasms after the operation. If they are able to they are not the same as before. These are all things she is complaining of. She said she didn’t know if she had ever really had one, that when she has sex it feels like he is right on top of the cervix ramming it or hitting it and it puts her in pain. She is with the same person she was with before she had it done so nothing has changed there. I told her about the things I found and what it all said after I was researching it she was shocked she kept saying I didn’t know that, I didn’t realize that, no one ever told me that.

After researching it I was very glad that my doctor refused to do mine after Little Bitty. Because I was dead set on having one after I had her. I didn’t want birth control or them to tie my tubes. I wanted it all out so that I did’t have to ever worry about it happening again. She said there was no medical reason to take it out and it was better to have it than to not have it unless there was a reason it needed to come out. I told her there was a reason for it to come out I was done with it. I know I know but I been through so much at the time and that was and is truly how I feel even today. I love kids I would not have minded having more after Little Bitty if things had not worked out the way they did but between that and father of the year I am done.

I told her as much as I hate the idea and don’t want to I am really thinking about having my tubes tied. I have always been against it and for other forms of birth-control. They almost killed my sister when they did hers and she still has medical problems over it to this day 20 some years later. I met a few other people who had lasting medical problems from it as well and who almost died. It is a risk people think they just make these tiny cuts and go in there. But they don’t think about how close they are to your other organs. Your liver and intestines are right there. My sister they did something to her intestines and had to take I forget how many feet out and she almost died from blood loss and infection. The other lady I met they nicked her liver, well they didn’t tell her that would cause her medical problems for life. It wasn’t until months down the road when she almost died from blood clots and they couldn’t figure out why she was getting them. Then they found her liver had been damaged and that was what was causing them. The only thing she had ever had happen to her liver was when they told her they nicked it. They looked and found out that they had not just “nicked” it but I guess really cut it pretty bad and damaged it and it wasn’t something that would ever get better she was in a wheel chair because of the problems it caused with the blood clots and then the problems having so many blood clots all the time causes.

It was never something I had to worry about because when me and Father of The Year were together he agreed to have a vasectomy one we decided we were done having kids. Then when me and RC got together he had already plan to have one by the falling year. He was at the point I am now he already had 4 and was in the spot he was in with them all he wasn’t going to have anymore. Then we got together and talked about maybe trying for one more. But waiting until we had been together a year and all our court stuff was over. Then him getting one after I had the baby. He wanted to wait until after I had it in case something happened and I lost it. His ex lost two after they had their boys. If we did then he wanted us to have the option of trying again. So I never thought about having my tubes tied and was set against it. The way I looked at it was if they didn’t want to use condoms all the time they could have it done. I did the hard part carrying the kids for ten months, going through labor and delivery. The least they could do was that. But it wasn’t even a problem they both were going to.

But now being a single mom of 4 and thinking about a relationship again, dating and things I want to have the option of having kids off the table. I don’t want there to be any chance of it happening or being open for discussion. I do not want to have to worry about having condoms all the time, or something else to use. I don’t want to take or trust birth control, I got pregnant with my first on it taking it every single day like clock work at the same time everything they tell you. Even at that time Father of The Year was on top of it and making sure because he didn’t want a baby yet. I could never trust just that, and I have tried pills and the patch and they both made me very moody, sick and have no sex drive. I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant because I did’t want anyone touching me or near me.

We were talking about getting pregnant and being pregnant, I said that I didn’t even know and was as shocked as everyone else when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd. She was like what do you mean you were married having sex you had to know that it might happen nothing is fool proof. I said yeah but things were getting pretty bad with ex and sex wasn’t happening a lot around that time. If it did I was extremely careful. We always used condoms and I used a sponge, he didn’t even know I had them and was using them. I wasn’t going to use them by their self and he would have pushed to. At that point we were kind of at a stand still no one was saying anything about anything that was wrong or anything. We were just kind of living together and sharing a bed. We hadn’t told anyone really that we were having problems or anything. I was going back and forth on what to do and if he was going to change or not. So sex wasn’t as often as it had been in the past but it was still happening. If I thought it would or it started going there I would just say I had to go to the bathroom or go before I went to bed and use one. I never told him and would tell him to get a condom.

My friend said you really know your body and I can’t believe that you wouldn’t know you were pregnant or have an idea of when it happen. She said you know when you got pregnant with any of your others or have an idea of close to when. I do know with all of them. My first was night before mothers day early mothers day morning. My second was January 13 and my 4th was July 5. I wasn’t trying for any of them but just know because of things that stood out around that time and knowing when we had been together around those times. The night I got pregnant with my 2nd I told him if he did not get something I would get pregnant. It wasn’t a matter we may or it was close to time it could happen. Really it happen on a day that it is probably least likely to happen the day after my monthly friend stopped. Any other time we never used anything that day. But something just said you better use something and if you don’t it will happen. I felt it all through me. We did’t and we weren’t together again after that for a little while because of work and other things going on and sure enough I tested Valentines day and I was pregnant.

She said if you have no clue how or when it happen what was it a drunken night out or did he drug you and rape you? I said no, nothing like that but I really have no clue what we done the night it happen I have no idea what night it happen and I can not even think of one time that we were together at the time we would have had to of been to get pregnant. She said you never questioned it or him when you found out and couldn’t figure out when it happen? I said no wasn’t really any point to it was done nothing that could do about it now I just figure it must have been one of the nights that I had blocked out from back then. She was talking about something then stopped and said wait you blocked out times you all were with him I said sure did. She was like that don’t sound pleasant I said it wasn’t but it was what it was. She didn’t really say anything and we went on talking. Then in just a few minutes or less she said I got to go I will talk to you later. It was just odd after that short part of our conversation she was like gone had to go.

I thought it was odd and it took me back to when I said something to RC and he found out. RC was always very shy and embarrassed when it came to sex. I would say something, make a joke or try to talk to him about something to do with sex and he would turn bright red and have nothing to say. It was funny really. He was always different when it came to sex all together and careful. Like if we had been out and I had been drinking we would not have sex. If I didn’t feel good or wasn’t having a good day for some reason or I was on medications we didn’t have sex. It would piss me off sometimes. Because even if I don’t feel good there is still a good chance I am in the mood. A lot of times I am more in the mood when I don’t feel good than if I do. I think it’s because when I don’t feel good I want something that will make me feel better and I want to be close but I am not big into cuddling or what when I am sick. So sex lets me feel that closeness I need when I am sick. I know I am weird. But he wouldn’t he would cuddle or lay there and talk until I fell a sleep or go take a shower or something so that I would be a sleep by the time he got back and wasn’t bothering him or just tell me not tonight he was tired or something. I think one night he seen it really got to me.

Then next day I was doing something he came and said he wanted to talk to me. We started talking he said he was sorry if he made me feel bad the night before, he wasn’t trying to. He said he just didn’t want use to do anything when we had been drinking or more if I had been than him. Or if I didn’t feel good, wan’t having a good day or whatever. He said he never wanted me to be upset about something that we did the night before because I was drinking and that the other times he didn’t want me to feel obligated or like I had to do it. He said he didn’t want something that happen one night because of something like that and change things or like he said it end up being something that I wish I hadn’t done or later felt I was pushed or made to do. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that I had never had so much to drink that I didn’t know very well what I was doing or what was going on. He told me he was embarrassed about sex and talking about it because he didn’t really know a lot and hadn’t really done a lot. He said the girls he been with just laid there didn’t really do anything he didn’t know anything about trying different things. That they sure didn’t talk about sex very open or freely. It was I can take it or leave it, if you want it you got to d this or that or your not getting it kind of thing.

After a while he got better about it and we would joke around back and forth and talk about different things. He didn’t turn ten shades red. One day he was joking around while I was cleaning the house or something I was doing. He said boy I could just take you to the other room and take advantage of you right now. I made an off hand comment back about it wouldn’t be the first time I just block it out you get use to it or something like that. He said something else and I said besides you can’t take advantage of the willing. As I finished saying it he finished what he was saying he looked at me and got this look like I don’t know what, he said wait what did you say. I just said you can’t take advantage of the willing. He said not that before that. I just looked at him because I could tell he was not happy. He said your not joking are you? What happen, who was it when? He was pissed. I just looked at him he said me? I said no never you. He then wanted to know why I didn’t tell him when it happened and who it was. I told him because it didn’t happen when we were together. He asked who or something and what happen I think then he said no I’m pretty sure I know but it probably isn’t a good idea for me to know for sure. He said I’m sorry I shouldn’t have ever said that to you and I would have never said that to you if I had known. I am so sorry I am sorry it happen and things. I told him he had nothing to be sorry about he didn’t do anything wrong, that he didn’t say anything wrong, if I had been bothered by it or had a problem with it I would have told him the first time it ever came up or told him before if but it just wasn’t something I talked about or thought about and that it wasn’t something I let get to me to the point that our joking back and forth would ever bother me. That us joking around with each other is way different because I know how he was and that I didn’t have to worry about anything like that with him. I was comfortable enough to joke around with him. In just a little few minutes he got up and went in the other room he was just different after that he didn’t joke around and things as much or was very careful about what he said.

I just find both of their reactions odd I guess because it isn’t like I was upset, angry, mad or emotional about it, I wan’t looking for them to really say anything about it. I was just having a conversation. I was just mater of fact about it to the point and move on. They the ones that asked questions and things. That didn’t even bother me. I don’t mind talking about it but when I do its just to the point matter of fact it’s done over with now move on. If I shared it with you then that says a lot because I think they are the only two people I have ever told.

They don’t understand Father of the Year was of the mind set that your my wife you are supposed to meet my “needs” we are married I can’t go to anyone else to do it for me and I don’t want to go to anyone else. He told me he did not believe in divorce and that he married me because he wanted to be with me and that he was not giving me a divorce. It didn’t matter basically how I felt or what I wanted or didn’t want at night as long as “his needs” were being met. It got to were I would just lay there and try to think about anything but what was going on. I can say I remember it happening many times but I can’t tell you much more than yes it was unpleasant, yes I said no, I wasn’t in the mood I didn’t want to, I didn’t feel good and all that. He still be all over me and telling me about “his needs” and “my obligations” I feel so sick I just say fine or whatever so he would just go away and leave me alone. I know I guess technically I gave him permission but if I didn’t he wouldn’t get off of me, keep his hands off of me or stop pestering me. And yes I blocked them out I didn’t want to remember it, it wasn’t enjoyable far from it, I remember crying a lot of times while trying to think of other things or just not think about anything at all and just act as if nothing was or did happen. I don’t know why I let it happen, I don’t know why I didn’t do more to stop it or keep it from happening. I guess because I figured I was stuck there from now on I wasn’t going to be able to avoid giving him sex may as well just do it and get it over with and get him to leave me alone for a little bit. I had been places, talked to people and everything else then to get help. But I wasn’t being abused, there was no help, we were married and he was living with me so I couldn’t get any help. I tried to explain that I was trying to get out and get a divorce no one cared. I felt trapped. No one cared, no one knew what was going on. Why bother to tell them not like they are going to believe me or care. Your husband can’t rape you or take advantage of you I figured they would say. I didn’t want to deal with all that telling could mean I would have had to deal with. I didn’t not want to I couldn’t have and I didn’t want my kids involved in something like that. I figured everyone say I just said it because I was mad and leaving it was just an excuse to blame it on him or whatever. Everyone thought he was Mr. Wonderful no one would believe he would do such a thing, and I was his wife so he was right, right.

That was finally the last of the last the no going back we are getting a divorce no matter what time came. One night he started and it happen the next day I was so pissed off at myself. Why was I letting him do this, why hadn’t I said something, why hadn’t I put a stop to it before it started? Why was I so worried about pissing him off or what he was going to do? What more could he do? what could be worse than what he was already doing? What he might hit me if I said anything? Wouldn’t have been as bad as what he had already been doing. I was mad at my self why was I letting him teat me like this, why was I letting him disresepct me in such a way, what happen to me, where was the me that was there when we got together because she would have never let this happen and not more than once if it did. That’s when I called him in there and told him we would not be having sex anymore at all for any reason, not to ask or even try and that he would be moving to the couch. He started about why and everything. I told him what he did was not right, that I was not going to ever be done that way again. I told him that it was something that he wouldn’t ever dream of doing to a stander but would turn around and do it to his wife and justify it because I was his wife and he had needs. He knew what I was talking about he said you act like I did this horrible thing or something so wrong. I said you did it is basically rape he had a fit screaming and yelling that I was blowing it out of pa-portion and that he would never do that. It was nothing like that I was just trying to make it into something it wasn’t. Back to I was his wife and what was he supposed to do go without all the time how was that right that I could just cut him off and not ever give it to him again and all this. I told him I didn’t care how or if he got his needs met that he was free to find someone else as far as I was concerned we were no longer married the divorce was just a technicality at that point.

I really thought it was going to get worse, I figured he would refuse to sleep on the couch and it was going to be a fight and that he was going to keep trying. But I think he was to afraid too. I think he thought if I told someone he would or could be in a lot of trouble for a long time so he just did it.

It just gets me the way the three of them reacted when it came up. RC all pissed off and things then takes off. My friend clams up and hangs up. Father of the year still trying to prove why or how he didn’t do anything wrong. It isn’t like it involved the first two but I do understand RC for getting so mad. You find out something has happen to someone you are close to and care about it pisses you off and you want to go after whoever did it.

 

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