I had my last appointment with my therapist today, next time I go I will be seeing the new lady. She was going to give me to one but our timing didn’t work out with me having to be in class those two days a week. She ended up giving me to her boss, she said they are both really good and either one would work good with me. She asked if I still wanted to keep coming I told her yes, I told her I didn’t know what the next two weeks were going to be like with it coming up on the time since I lost my dad and dealing with everything else that is going on. For the most part I feel a lot better and probably could stop going, then there are still days that I just want to say fuck it or I’m like how far off is my appointment because I’m about to lose it? I guess it gives me someone to vent to that don’t have to deal with me but once every two weeks. She told me if I needed anything at all I could call her or email her since I have her email. I was glad about that in case this don’t work out with the other I can ask her who the first one she was going to have me see was and see if she can set it up. I don’t know how easy or hard switching around like that is so or isn’t there because I haven’t had to do it.

She asked what I was doing for myself she does all the time. I told her nothing more than the normal I come on here at night and screw around on line after the kids go to bed. She asked if I was getting out or dating or anything like that. I said nope I don’t have a sitter to get out and do anything other than when kids are at school. Where you going to go or meet anyone then? She asked how old my oldest was I told her she will be 13 Monday so not really old enough to watch the younger two on her own. She agreed she was a little young. I said yes and my 3 year old is a handful and my next oldest from the 13 year old is high functioning autism. I said I could leave him by himself or with her he would be fine but if anything ever happen even if it had nothing to do with him and the things he has going on and they were all there together they would jump all over that and run with it I would play hell trying to straighten it all out. She said oh yeah. She said now if she was 16 I say sure she is old enough to watch them for a little bit while you go to dinner or a movie something like that.

She said you look tired, I said I am I said I’m just tired of never having a break, not being able to go out and even meet anyone, not being able to walk out of the house and go to the store or anything. I said I wanted to start going to church again and to a weekly bible study they have and I can’t even do that because they don’t have child care for the bible study. I said I just tired of not being able to do the simplest of things. Either because I am cleaning up the mess from the other one not doing what he is supposed to do and taking them or because he don’t pay and I have paid my money out to cover everything. Now I don’t have a dime for anything that I may need or god forbid I may see something I just like to have for a few dollars. It gets me because I had a nice chunk saved up and I may not be working but I am taking care of my part of things here. It may be in the form of loans and I am going to pay for it in the end but I am doing what I need to do to get things done so that I didn’t have to work and go to school. I wanted to take extra classes finish school faster than work part time and do school part time. Because then I am not really making enough to cover what I need to and have to get loans and I am so tired from doing all with the kids all for work and then trying to keep up my own school. I just feel like everyone is getting a half ass job from me and before long I will say fuck it and just quit school and go to work.

She asked me if I was still taking my medications. I told her yes and that I had thought about going in and asking for something else because of the way it was affecting me, but that it’s just me and that all medications do it to me rather it this or others. I told her I liked this one it seemed to help and I didn’t want to bounce around to different ones to see what will help instead just because of the affects knowing that I react that way to most all medications because I don’t ever take anything. I told her that I had started breaking them in half and taking half in the morning and half at night. She was like um are you taking the time release ones? I said I don’t know I don’t think so. I said it is a tiny little white pill and it is got a line down the middle so you can like snap it right in half no problems. She said it isn’t like this or that? I said no its a little solid pills. She started looking at my chart she said on your taking that I don’t think it comes in a time release so your good. She said the time ones you can’t do that with because you will get all the medication at one time. I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. But I bet she is talking about capsules instead of pills with powder or whatever inside. She really think I am that stupid to do something like that? If I was seeing her in two weeks I would ask her that too, did you think I was taking capsules and breaking them in half taking? Do I really look or act that stupid to you? Besides if I was doing that then I would probably be getting it all at once and in that case I probably wouldn’t be doing so well doing it that way because I be knocked out some where all the time and for longer time then normal probably. That is kind of funny if that is what she thought, I can’t really say anything on her part if it is because I am sure it has most likely happen in the past and that is why she thought of it and wanted to make sure what and how I was taking it.

I didn’t tell her I just started back taking it last night and this morning. I passed out laying here on the bed playing a game on the computer and woke up after midnight. I decided to go ahead and take half one see how I felt this morning. Then I took the other half this morning when I woke up. Not thinking about it I wonder if I should be taking them farther a apart. But if I take it at 9 or 10 normally then I probably need to take the second half at about that time in the am and then again at night. That would be every 12 hours and not every 6 like today. well it was probably closer to 5. If you are supposed to take it every 24 but I am splitting it up and taking it twice a day instead of once. I think it will matter right now because it isn’t built up in my system yet but later it probably won’t matter a lot once it has. I am going to go and try to research it and see what I find out.

Tomorrow is our trip to Holly Land so I won’t be around we have to get up by 6 am drop Little Bitty at school by 730/745 to be at their school by 8 so we can leave there we hope by 815 but no later than 830. It is a early release day but we will not be back in time for that. They are going an hour early and staying 3 hours late to get to go. If it was a normal school day they only be staying 2 hours late. Only half the school is going the other half is going to stay home. The new kid don’t believe in all that and they said he is to much of a trouble maker to go. One is sick and the others can’t or don’t want to go for different reasons. Some don’t believe they believe other stuff. I better go to bed it is almost midnight.

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