I have been in a mood most the day today, I don’t know if depressed is the right word for it or not. I started the day off pretty good the kids were out of school we slept in and laid around most the day. I decided to get up and start getting things done about one or two and then the kids reminded me they needed to turn their forms in for 4h. It was due today no later we already missed deadlines but there was a lot of wrong information out so they gave them til today to get everything in. I started trying to print it all out and the printer decided it wasn’t going to work. It is out of colored ink has been for a while but I bought a black ink and that is all I was trying to use but it said blue and yellow was out so I couldn’t use it at all. I don’t know what the fuck that is all about since i bought a black ink for it. Half the stuff they were supposed to have they didn’t because they have known about this stuff since we started in September and have not once picked the book up to work on it. I ended up going to the library and printing everything out. It cost me $10. I tried to figure everything out there fill it out and Little Bitty wouldn’t stop having a fit we ended up leaving. I came home to fix what we could of it and figured out I printed the wrong information out for part of it and didn’t print stuff out for the other. We filled it out and took it all in ask them for copies of the other paperwork they printed it out gave it to us. I was pissed because I run do this for months and have a ton of money in this and they can’t do the simplest parts of it and keep up their end of what they should do or were supposed to do. They can’t do the things they are supposed to do around here.
It all just pissed me off, then thinking about sorry ass Father of the Year that does nothing how sick we have been and I can’t get a weekend to myself to get anything done. I end up rushing around to get anything and everything done and never seem to enjoy any of it anymore. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I am tired, tired of always being the responsible one and doing the right thing. I am tired of being the only one who cares, but yet no one cares about. We got that done and ran to the store and came home and I have had some drinks since then. I guess now I am depressed instead of pissed. The day started off so relaxing and then everything hit the fucking roof and now I am sitting here in the dark alone as always writing this. For once in the last 5 years I just want to feel loved, cared for, wanted by someone.
You know I haven’t felt loved or as if anyone cared about me since July/August of 2012. The old man at the bar is probably right there isn’t anyone out there that wants someone like me with 4 kids. It’s stupid because I am not looking for someone to take on 4 kids and be daddy and provide for them. I don’t even want to live with anyone right now. I just want a relationship get to know each other and things. Nothing to do with kids and the likes at least for a while.
I am so over no one being responsible and doing their part. I am tired of being the only one who does anything, I am ready to just say fuck it all and leave. I have been thinking about leaving again just take Little Bitty and go. Then I think about at that would do to the other kids how they would feel how it would affect them. At the same time I feel like who cares? No one car/es about me what I may or may not want or if I am happy so why do I care?
I am now watching a super depressing This Is Us why the guys dad dies. Just what I want to see and think about the mood that I am already in.