The last few days I have been thinking about the fact that Father of the Year and RC do nothing again. I am here 24/7/365 days a year doing everything and never get a break hardly or have to rely on when someone else can do it and can’t even pay them to do it. My friend Wanda I help a lot who watches them for me and helps me that is it. My friend J I have to pay to watch them. I understand their time and things as well. But it isn’t like I don’t help her and haven’t done a lot for her as well most without ever being asked. She says she will watch them but then never does or offers or can’t unless I am paying. My friend Wanda that I help will offer to come over and sit with the kids so I can get out. She will tell me see what your “friend” is doing I will come sit with the kids so you can get out for the night or whatever. If my friend is busy she is the only other one that goes out with me if I go so then I am sitting alone if she is at home babysitting for me to go out. That’s no fun, last time I paid J to sit with the kids so me and Wanda could go out. I go by myself but I don’t like to.

I feel like it is just another hoop to jump through to get to go out. I have to make sure the kids are feed and ready for bed and things before I go, I have to pick Wanda up and bring her to the house before I go and then by up bright and early with the kids the next morning and to take her home. Where if Father of the Year and RC were doing their parts I could just get ready, go out and enjoy myself. Not thinking the whole time are the kids okay, are the kids listening, do they need anything, I shouldn’t be out the kids are there, I should be with the kids, I have to be home before the kids get up, I have to get some sleep before the kids get up and the list can go on and on. I feel like I am on a time crunch to hurry do what I want to do and rush home. I know I am not and that the kids are fine and that I need to get out some and it is good to have a break but I can’t help but feel that way. Where as if the kids were with their fathers I wouldn’t have to worry about all that. I would know they were fine, I wouldn’t have to worry about being home in time for anything or what I need to do with them or any of that. I could have a kid free night/day and just relax. But we all know that is never going to happen.

Father of the year only has to be a father by law 72 days and a 104 hours give or take. He is supposed to have them other times too but that is not set just as we work out. But the number of days he is supposed to have them no matter what or how much I like it is every other weekend he is supposed to have them Friday after school until he drops them off at school Monday morning. Three whole nights!! Then he is allowed to pick them up one day a week every week for a few hours no set amount if you figure even 2 after school a week at the least. Just to see them spend some time with them. And he can’t do it, he can’t be a father 72 days out of 365 days in a year. How sad is that? But yet I am the one here every day no matter what doing it.

RC he don’t have any set days he has to be a father at all or anything set that he has to pay. I told him he could see her anytime he wanted as much as he wanted and just help me make sure she had what she needed when it came to helping take care of her. Because when he don’t have his problem he is great with his kids. He is all about spending time with them, taking them places, doing things they want to do, or just hanging out at home acting silly and being a kid with them and he makes sure they have what they need and tries to get them the things they want. I didn’t think I would have a problem with him doing what he was supposed to do. But that was before I knew about his problem and how bad it was getting and he decided to let it take over than get help. I tried to go get help to get him to at least pay his part but couldn’t because of the divorce. I have to go back now and see what I can do and how long it will take. Even if I can handle the things they need on my own they should get to do things they want to do and that right now I just don’t have the extra for.

It isn’t even the money that bothers me so much as the fact that they are never here for their kids. They don’t care enough to make an effort to see them and be a part of their life. I just don’t get how they can be that way. How they can not care at all or not care enough to think about how it is affecting them now and how it will affect the in the long run. It bothers me because I am here doing it all and can’t have a break once in a while no matter how hard I am working and doing what I am supposed to do while they are all off doing whatever they want enjoying life without a care in the world or a thought about anything or anyone but them and their needs and wants.

I know I know I have said this same stuff a 100’x before probably and bitched about it on here but that is just where I am again today. No pill or anything else is going to take the fact that I am the only one here every day doing it and that I never get a real break away. It isn’t going to take the fact that I have no life or the fact that like I said in my other post I haven’t felt loved or cared about in 5 years away. It isn’t going to change anything it isn’t going to let me have these things so it seems like what is the point in taking it. Just so I can kind of feel happy or better? I still have all these thoughts and feelings inside. It just makes me able to fake it to others a little better.

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