We are going to the library to their $5 book sale, you get  bag or box and fill it with all the books you can and it’s $5. We come home with 100 books or close to it most times and spend $20 or less on them all. I have added it up and had well over $500 in books had I bought them new, and most of them are in like new shape. They have the nice jackets the library puts on them to keep them in good shape still and everything. You would think we were going to Disney the are so excited, even the 4 and 6 year old. I give them each a bag and let them fill it and then I fill one or two with stuff for me and them. We get together when we are ready and if bags aren’t full we repack them so that we are not paying for more bags than we really need to. A lot of times they jut give us a big box to put them in and charge for a bag or two even though there are more than that in it. They just want rid of them. My house will be nice and quite tonight and tomorrow I bet.

I am still feeling all over the place, I couldn’t really explain how I felt and why, I knew why but couldn’t explain it. But I was thinking about it and I am so mad at her because I trusted her she was like my sister my kids would hug her tell her good night they loved her and that she was like family, they did this all on their own no one told them too. She was just around that much and we did things all together and things that much. Then she moved in and they got closer the last week and use to her being around. Then she went and done this. I now think because thinking about it she was like my sister we were probably closer than me and my sister we have spent more time together I tell her stuff I haven’t told my sister and things. She was my sister she knew everything about me, it’s like my sister came in and started dating my ex husband. The one girl he was interested in when we first split up I was like seemed odd him going after a friend but it didn’t really bother me but we hardly ever see each other or talk and I don’t tell her the things like I told this one. I don’t trust people much. I can be your friend and not trust you 100% or feel comfortable telling you some things and I may not even feel okay leaving my kids with you or having you move in. The odds are it won’t happen. There may be nothing wrong with you at all it’s just me. So for me to trust her like that and me to help her the ways I did for as long as I have and then let her move in and to tell her all the shit that I have I feel like she was family and she was my sister in every since but blood. I have not had a friend that I have been that close to since high school it was nice to finally have a friend like that. Well I had my one friend but even though I could tell him anything and everything and do, we weren’t close in the since that we hung out and did things all the time like me and Wanda. They were on the same level just different dynamics if that makes since. I trust him with my kids I trust I can tell him anything and everything, I care about him and his family and help if I can and I know he does me as well. He married has a wife and soon to be 5 kids. Where as I trusted her like all that and we had that hangout do things together kind of relationship.

{April 29, 2017}   I feel Crazy

I was woke up at 4/5 in the morning by Wanda’s brother calling and texting me. I didn’t answer I just text him back and ask him why the hell he was texting me at that time. Then he told me that they were about 20 or 30 mile south of where we are. I kind of figured that they would go down that way because that is where Father of the Year works. He didn’t say where or anything just she was there with my man. I said he isn’t my man he hasn’t been my man in a very long time I want nothing to do with him. I said they deserve each other they are just a like selfish out for nothing but their self they care about no one but their self not even each other. I told him she thought what she just left was bad she was about to really get it down on her about 100x worse than what she just left. I said they will be homeless in a month or less. He didn’t go to work last night and I am sure he isn’t going this morning because he left all his work shit here. I told him how he never keeps a job and that they would be coming to get money from him but not to look for it back he owes money all over to town don’t pay it back. I said I hope she enjoys all he abuse I did he is worse than when we were together so I am sure she will and then some.

He tried to call me again about 7 or so I was sleeping I didn’t answer or respond at all to that. I sent him a message a little bit ago and said what but he hasn’t said anything. Probably passed out from drinking already this morning. Then wonders why no one likes him. Fucking crazy ass. It is sad because he seems like a really decent guy if he wasn’t drinking. I told him last night or yesterday when he was texting me that he drink to much, he said he was in a bad place right now. Didn’t I ever get in a bad place? I said yes but I can’t drink all day to get away from it, I slap on my best fake happy face and take care of business because there isn’t anyone else going to do it and I have 4 kids that need taken care of, school to get done and work to find. He ask if I really did all that I said yes because their dad never comes around or anything I am it 24/7. I know they had a ruff childhood, their mom dumped him at like two or three with someone and left for years, when she did come back to get him at like 10 or older his step dad abused him and he moved out at 16 working two jobs. He has done good has a house and things but I think uses the drinking to self medicate. Wanda said she wasn’t sure what was going on that she hadn’t seen him drinking like he is right now. He drink but not all day like that, he worked and things. He just got fired for showing up drunk Thursday. He don’t care he don’t have to work he has everything he needs and everything paid for he works to get out of the house. They both say things were pretty bad growing up the way things were and none of them are really sure who their dad was they just know who they were told but don’t make since because of different stuff. But you know what people ca do better, just like her brother he has done better for himself she has anything he wants because he worked and did other things to make money have money and save money. She decided to be like her mom and the rest of the family and just fuck around I guess. I have only known her a few years and she seemed okay, she will tell you she has screwed up but she had changed and wanted to do better with her life and trying to get things straight for her self. I guess that was all a lie because look at where things are now.

Anyway on to why I really started this post I don’t know how I feel, I feel numb I guess, I don’t know how to explain it. One minute I don’t know how I feel or feel nothing then I am feeling depressed. Like I woke up to my phone blowing up and things and when I finally got up a little bit ago I was thinking about it. I feel hurt, I feel used, but most of all I feel worthless. I feel like why me? What is wrong with me that even my so called best friend used me and did me the way she did? I feel like I am not worth anything to anyone but to use and abuse. I go back to feeling numb or nothing, I tell myself I did the right thing I tried to help her I didn’t do anything wrong it was them. I am having chest pain again today, it was the other day too. I feel angry, pissed off, I feel like I don’t know. it just comes and goes back and forth how I feel. I don’t like this feeling one minute it is one thing the next it is something else then something else. I feel like someone is flipping stations on the radio every few seconds or minutes. I don’t like it. I just want to crawl under my blanket on my bed and go back to sleep and it is driving me crazy being in my bed. I am sitting here on the bed writing this and thinking about all I need to do all the bills that need paid and everything else. Trying not to stress but I am going into stressed out mode right now. I feel myself getting all worked up then in a minute I am on to angry and back to fuck it all, to why me. Am I selfish for saying why me? Am I for being angry? That was my best friend we did everything together she stayed at my house and had moved in and did this behind my back. This is just not right. I am truly pissed off at her for going there. I just want to call them and I don’t even know why because I don’t even know what I would say to them. I don’t want to talk to them at all really but I do. The kids are asking about them and where is daddy why did Wanda move out. But I know she don’t care because she dumped her kids with guys and left them between the ages of 2 and 5. Left them with their “daddies” She don’t know who their daddies are really, She left two with her ex husband an one with a guy she was cheating with because he had a dna test she says she never seen that said she was his. she never see’s them or talks to them hardly. So I am sure Father of the Year will not be coming around at all now. I told him I didn’t want them around her. I think I am going to go lay down for another 30 or 40 minutes and then make myself get up and do something. I don’t know what, just anything to help get my mind off this crap. I have jumped between every feeling and emotion that I think you can have about a dozen times just writing this. I feel crazy is what I feel a long with numb I feel crazy like there is something wrong with me.

{April 29, 2017}   ex:Best Friend

Well I didn’t get to write last night I fell a sleep after hardly sleeping for a week with all that has went on. I guess it was Friday my friend Wanda came over and moved in. I think I wrote a while back about her coming to stay with me I was going to help her with getting a job, car and things like that and she was going to help me watch the kids why I was in school and working as well. If not that was the plan for the summer. She was even talking about wanting to move away with us next year when we went. It would work for us both and help us both get things we needed done.

Well last week or the week I think it was my mom messaged me and ask me if I knew that Father of the Year was talking to Wanda? She does not know that she was planing to come stay here or anything like that. I told her yes they were just friends. She said I better watch and that she knew what happen with another friend of ours and him talking. But that was the friend that introduced us to each other. With her she was doing it behind my back after I told her not to. I knew that Wanda was, they both told me they were. I did say I didn’t care who they were friends with they are adults. But I also told him because he said he liked her that, the two of them were looking for different things and that she was my friend and it was not right for him to go there with her and go any farther than friends. Me and her talked about it after that she was laughing at him and talking about how he was and the shit he was saying he told him she was my friend it wasn’t right and shit and he told her I said it was fine. She said no it is one thing to be friends but another to be more than that. Just yesterday or the day before we were talking about how he tried to talk to another friend of mine and she was pissed he even thought she would do that because me and her were friends and things. That it just wasn’t something you do. She said the same thing.

The other night he came over here and he was all shitty didn’t say anything to me or anything to her flopped down on the chair outside where we were sitting. He was texting away on his phone. I ask who he was talking to at like 2 am he got all pissed off said no one. Then he said other shit we got in a big fight. I told him this was my house he wasn’t coming in my house talking to me like that and shit. Then he looked at me in a way I had never seen him look at me or anyone fire in his eyes like he was about to reach over and rip my head off. Then he looked back down when he seen I was looking at him. Then he tilted his head to the side and did the same thing to her.

Today he came took the kids to school and was supposed to come back he wanted me to help him do some things and he was supposed help me with the beds in the boys room. He didn’t come back, he didn’t answer and he hadn’t brought me money. I called he finally answered told me he was a few miles up the road looking for something. I ask what nothing, he kept saying. Then he said I am just driving around. I said you are looking for something you just said it. Then it was a friends house, but he couldn’t find it. I said no your not why not just call him see where it is? He said he didn’t have his number anymore he needed to talk to him about somethings. I told him he needed to bring my my money right away he was right here and still didn’t offer to bring it to me, that I needed it and wasn’t going to beg for it and the kids room needed done. We were on the phone he said he was by my house getting money at the ATM.

I asked him how much from last week he had because he just picked it up from my sister and my mom said she thought he got more than he was supposed to from her. He said he got the right amount that he was $100 short. I ask him where a $100 went in two days? He got all pissed off and started yelling and screaming at me while he was in the store. Then telling me I’m not on drugs, I don’t use anything and your just trying to destroy me and you just want me to kill myself I know you do. I said I don’t know what your talking about I never said anything about you using drugs or killing yourself. Yes you did to everyone you tell everyone that. I never said he was doing drugs or I thought he was but I have had about 4 or 5 people tell me they thought he was and ask me if I knew if he was. Then he finally shows up here all nasty and shit to give me the money.

He started again about the way things are, I said when you walk up in my house talking to me like this, when you walk up in my house and look at me the way you do like you just want to snap my head off, when you are sitting on the other side of the door and I have text you and sent you other messages just asking a question and you ignore me I guess then yes I am going to get pissed off and say something. I told him this is my house, I am not scared of him and that when he is at my house he isn’t going to walk around here in a shitty mood, ranting, talking to himself, giving me dirty looks and talking to everyone any old way he wants. He will have respect or he will not be here. I said just like the other night when you came in here and sat down I just ask who you were talking to so late. He ask me anytime i touch my phone or it goes off when he is here who is that who are you talking to who are you seeing. I said you are always accusing me of seeing someone and I am not and I have not problem telling you who it is. I don’t have to shouldn’t have to but I don’t hide shit. I couldn’t tell you I have to keep their personal information private it was a private conversation. I said I didn’t ask you what you were talking about or anything just who. How is that telling their personal business? Maybe that wasn’t the best way to put it I have to protect them. I said again protect them from what? Just giving me a name isn’t nothing. I ask him what are you hiding? Nothing he kept saying. Then he said it is someone I like I am close to I really care about. I said okay and you still can’t tell her name because you care about them? I said so that is some relationship isn’t it I like them they like me but I can’t tell anyone her name or we are together? What since does that make none? I said so what are you hiding because I am not stupid? He looked like he was a kid in trouble for something and about to cry and said Wanda!!! I said tell her to come out here, he went to the door and open it ask her to come outside. She was saying something I don’t know what, then he came out I said something else to him was waiting on her to come out she didn’t. In a minute or two I said where is she? He said I don’t know I told her you wanted her to come outside she didn’t really want to. I said you better tell her to come out here now. He went back to the door was asking her to come out a minute. She was saying something. I said you all think the other night when me and you got in a fight was bad, either one of you haven’t seen nothing yet because if she don’t come out here and I have to go in there it is going to get pretty fucking ugly really fucking fast and not either one of you going to like it. Her ass jumped up and ran out there then sat down in the chair by me. I ask her what happen thought this that and the other yall are just friends he is like a brother to you blah blah bullshit. I said so all this time you have been lying to me laughing behind my back we are just talking. No that isn’t how it is it’s only been a few days we been trying to tell you. I said no you don’t try you could have just done it. I said something to her and she lied I said boy you two are just a like sit and bold face lye for no reason. No I swear I didn’t like him but things changed I tried to tell you. I said this or that the other day, I said no you didn’t say yeah I did things have changed between me and Father of the Year. I said I even ask you the other day straight out you swore no no there is nothing.

She is the one that is sick I have sat at the hospital with, taken and picked up from the hospital, went to see in the hospital, went out of my way to take her food, went out of my way to buy her food even though I didn’t have money to be doing it for. I was so pissed, I said I guess all of it has been a lye using and backstabbing people. They just kept swearing it was not that way and things. I told them they stabbed me in the back and screwed me, Father of the Year said why how did this screw you? I said because we were supposed to help each other this summer, I was going to help her get a job, I was going to help her save money for a car, help her get to work, she was going to watch kids why I worked, why I went to school and now I can’t do any of that because I don’t have the help I need. He had the fucking nerve to tell me it’s okay you can still do that. I said no the fuck we can’t still do that. The fucking bitch can get the fuck out of my house and she better not ever come back here. I told her she needed to fucking get her shit and get out of my house. I asked her where she was going she said she didn’t know she guessed her brothers. I knew that was a lye she can’t go there. I just met her brother a few days ago. Then Father of the Year ask her if she needed a ride she said her brothers. After a little bit they got up she grabbed her shit and they left.

He had his toolbox with tools on my carport here he has never taken, I have told him and told him to and he never did. Why I was going through the tool box I found a big black trash bag on the carport with all his clothes in and around it. I put all the shit in the trash and on the road. Toolbox, tools and all. I know I could have gotten a little money for the stuff but I just wanted the shit out of my house. I took his clothes and put them in the trash cans down under stuff. Tonight I found his boots sitting in here. I looked for them earlier and couldn’t find them. I thought he had taken them, I took them out the kids had put a big box of hay, bedding, shit, food and stuff out of the Guinean pig cage. I took it filled his boots up with the shit and put them down to the bottom of the can and tossed the shit on top of them. I dumped the bag and dumped some on it. I then took what was left most the big box full and dumped it all over the rest of his stuff and pushed it all down in that can. I found some kind of harness out there I have never seen it before so I brought it inside and put it in my closet. I am thinking it is works not his and I don’t want to get rid of something if it is theirs. I am going to call them and ask them and tell them someone besides him needs to come and get it. If either of them come back here I am going to have them both trespassed.

The kids have ask where is Wanda when I picked them up, then they asked tonight where is daddy he was supposed to be here tonight. I just told them that Wanda moved out. I told them I didn’t know where dad was couldn’t get a hold of him. I guess he didn’t go to work already because he didn’t have his shoes to go, he didn’t have his clothes to go, he isn’t charging his phone neither will answer when messaged.

I really I was more pissed off at her than anything to come up in my house to live and do this. To tell me all the time your family not friends, my kids to get close to her and bring her into the family and she done us all this way. My kids loved her, they ask the last two days if she was moving in I said yes. Then the next day to day I find this out. They would come give me a hug and kiss we be sitting in the living-room watching tv at bedtime. they then would go over and give her a hug and go to bed. They looked at her like family as well. I just don’t know I am so pissed. I now have to go buy a door lock because they have a key to my house. I wanted to pound the hell out of her in the yard but I didn’t, I can’t get any charges and still be able to work and things. It wouldn’t have worked anyway.

I also messaged her ex that she has let think she is coming home at some point and let him know that when he goes to court she plans to come over there and kick the door in and get her stuff. She said she lives there gets mail there nothing anyone can do about it. I told him she was not with me anymore I put her and her shit out. He called and ask what was going on I told him she lying back stabbing whatever. He said she with Father of the Year? I said yep and him or her brother will bring her. He said I will whip his ass he will be in the hospital. I said whatever you got to do. I said something about it and all I have done for her and things she do this. He wasn’t surprised but he knew how she is. He told her her shit would be on the porch tomorrow and that he was going to be getting the rest together and anything that was not picked up by Tuesday was going in the trash so no need for her to come in when he not there. She isn’t responding. I had to call my mom tell her he isn’t coming back over there or going to help her like he was supposed to until September. She don’t want to come here I don’t want her to. I don’t know what she is going to do. I don’t know what I am going to do if he don’t pay.

I am going next week to child support enforcement I am telling them he don’t ever take the kids away from my house. I am going to tell them his child support is figured on half of what he really makes. I am also going to tell them that he got a raise and is making $17 to $18 an hour now and that his bills have went down. I am going to tell them I want it taken straight from his check and sent to me too. I am done all the way around with him. this is not right to do to someone who had done so much for you and was still helping you.

{April 28, 2017}   R.I.P. Sprite

This is what I woke up to every morning with her. This was her way of telling me she wanted to go outside now it was time to get up.

My Friend was here Friday night and Father of the year came to drop money off around 11 when he got off work. Me and Wanda went out for a little bit and didn’t do anything but end up back at home in no time. Me and her were sitting outside and he came out and was sitting. He got up and went inside to get something, when he did he pushed the door to but not closed. I didn’t think anything of it we do it all the time when the dogs are in their cage. I had sent the three older kids to bed and Little Bitty was laying on the couch all covered up watching tv.

In a minute my friend said the dogs they are out. I tried to grab them but couldn’t, I told Father of the year to get the leashes and got his truck key to get in the car and try to go catch them. Well I back out and am sitting in front of the house just before the 4 way stop. The Little dog I seen running in the yard across the street from us. Father of the year went over and was trying to catch her she was running around the yard. They ended up by the mail box next to the road. This car came up to turn we started yelling for them to stop and motion for them to stop. They came flying around the corner and when they did the dog was in the road. They hit her, stopped then took off and hit/drug her. I didn’t see it happen because it was to the side and behind my truck I was going the other direction. Father of the year started yelling and screaming at them and followed them. They went two streets up and went in side. The guy on the other corner from me called the police. We got the other dog and came home. Me and Wanda loaded the dog up and drove her to the animal hospital place that was open late. She seemed okay just a little trouble breathing but seemed like from shock probably. Everyone thought she was okay just scratched up and things. I just had a bad feeling about it all the way there.

We got there I took her out they took her back on a stretcher thing inside and to a room. They told me to wait in the waiting area they would look her over come get me let me know what they found what they felt needed to be done. In a little while they finally came in and got me and said they needed to do x rays to start with because they could not hear any lung sounds at all from her. They gave me a thing saying it would be between $300 and $420 for all that and bringing her in. They said it could be bruising on the lungs and she would need to rest or the chest area could be filling with air and they would have to tap the chest with a needle and take the air out. He seem to think that it would be one of the two things. I had to call my sister to see if we could borrow money because Father of the year had just enough to do x rays and things but I needed to know if I could get money to treat her once we knew what it was or figure out how to do that. She said yes and how much she could give me. I told them go ahead and do the x ray.

They came back in a little bit and showed us the x ray. It was much worse than he thought. She had a hernia her stomach was pushing into her lungs and giving them no room to move and it was shoving her heart over out of place where it should be. He said that it had to be fixed and would be $3000 to $4000 to do it. He said they couldn’t do it there and would have to call farther south of where we were to see if they had someone that could do it for me or wait until Monday to get it a hold of someone to see if they could do it. He said that my vet or one in the area may even try and do it for a little less just to try and save her life and save me some money if I didn’t have that to take her to a specialist. He then said he had not looked at kidneys, bladder, liver, intestines or anything like that. It would be more testing and that they would need to do it before hand and there was still no guarantee that they would not run into something worse wrong when they got in there that may not show on the test. They may or may not be able to fix at the time and would cost more. He said it had to be done she could not live that way (I knew that). He said he had never seen something so bad and never expected to see that when they took the x ray. He said he sure wished it was one of the other two things he thought it was because it would have been a lot simpler and cheaper and they just do it and it be done with, because they can do them there.

I had to tell them I had to put her to sleep because there was no way I could afford to do all she needed and not knowing if there was other things that needed to be taken care of. I felt horrible but I really couldn’t do anything more for her. I couldn’t let her suffer either. I called Father of the Year and told him what they said. I told him to just tell the kids she didn’t make it. I didn’t want them to feel bad that we couldn’t do more for her or anything like that. I told him to ask them did they want me to let the vet office to take care of her or did they want me to bring her home so that they could buried her. They said they wanted to bring her home and buried her.

I let them know they brought her into the room where I was and let me spend sometime with her. She laid down in the floor instead of on the blanket they brought in for her. I sat down with her she just kept looking up at me. I pet her and talked to her cried with her. I seen her eye and it was different too. She has a brown eye and a half brown half blue eye. Well the blue of the half blue eye was turning white like the white of her eye. I don’t know why but it wasn’t that way. I told the vet later when he came in that I noticed that. He said he didn’t know there could be something wrong in the brain from being hit. But not knowing her and the way her eyes were they seemed fine to him when he look but that yes something could be wrong if it wasn’t normal for her. I told him I didn’t want to know why or the details of why it may be happening so that was just what he said.

I spend I don’t know how long with her she looked like she was in more stress than she was when I took her in. She just layed down on her side and layed her head in my lap. They had put an iv in her leg before they brought her in. I sat there with her for a while. She just kept looking up at me like she knew. They tell you to just push the button when you are ready and things. I sat there forever I couldn’t push the button knowing what it meant and what was about to happen. After a long time and her seeming like it was getting harder for her to breath my friend finally pushed it for me. The vet came in ask if I wanted to lay her on the blanket i told him I tried that is where she went. I was okay with it she seem comfrable there and that was where she wanted to be. I told him I did not want to know what he was doing or what did what. I just wanted him to do it. I sat there and held her head in my lap like she been laying and put my head down. He started doing what he had to do. He started to tell me with the first shot what was going to happen or what it was for. I told him again I do not want to know anything I don’t want to know what is happening when. He said okay and just finished and in a minute or two he said it was done.

We went out they took her and put her in a bureral box and then brought her out to the truck and help put her in. We got home at 4 something in the morning and Father of the Year dug a place to bury her. I came in and talk to the big kids they had just laid down not long before I got home. The little kids were a sleep and had no clue what was going on. My oldest didn’t want to be out there when we done it. Big boy wanted to but was falling a sleep, I told him I would wake him but if he didn’t wake up I was not going to keep bothering him or forcing him to get up and that we would just do it. He said ok. When we were ready he was out and would not get up so we just done it. He was okay with it in the morning. Little Bitty was the first one up and went to look for her to see what the doctor said if she was okay. I told her she wasn’t here, she asked if she was still at the doctor being taken care of? I told her no, I told her she was hurt to bad and didn’t make it. She said she died? I told her yes and she said okay. She didn’t really say to much more about it. She said like grandpa and something about them coming back to see her when they were better. I told her yes like grandpa and that grandpa and Sprite were in heaven together now, but they wouldn’t be coming back just like we haven’t been able to see grandpa in a long time. She said okay. She only 4 she don’t really have the full grasp of it all.

My Big Guy got up next and she ran to tell him and was trying to tell him. I told her to please just wait and let me tell him in a minute when once he was out of bed. I sent her to play. Once he got down off the bunk and went to the bathroom I called him in and told him she didn’t make it and that we buried her in the front yard under my window by the tree over where she use to be and play with lizards. He got upset but was better than I thought.

The last week has been better than I expected, my Big Boy and Big Guy I think have taken it the worse. Big Boy is grouchy, short and snippy with everyone. My Big Guy cries at the drop of a hat and gets upset about everything even if he wouldn’t normally. I just keep trying to talk to them but they just say they are alright. I think they are still in shock i don’t know. I still can’t believe it, it seems so odd not having her here but not at the same time. I feel lost when I go to pet the other dog because she always came up and horned in and made sure she got her love too. And she was the one that woke me up every morning.

This was her big cheesy grin she would get because she was getting belly rubs. She loved for you to pet her and talk to her and she was so happy to get belly rubs.

Oh and the wonderful police we have they came said there was nothing they could do really but they were going to go talk to them. They went around there and came back and said they would not even answer the door to them. They knew it was a hit and run. They said sue them for the vet bills if we wanted too but it cost me more to take them to court and then the time and everything else involved when I don’t have either one with everything else. I seen them the other day and their car has a huge dent in it on the side I guess where Father of the Year hit it when they started trying to pull away and wouldn’t let him get her out. Because we never seen the dent in it before. He was scared he was going to go to jail when the cops came because of it but they ran after hitting her with her still under the car what did they expect was going to happen.

{April 27, 2017}   A Long Week

I can’t believe it has only been ten days that I have been gone. It feels like a year, so much has happened. I was at therapy with the kids today and just telling her what happen the last week since we were there, that took an hour and she was in shock and couldn’t believe it. She always says what you tell me goes on in a day most people couldn’t do in a week.

Tonight is the first night I have felt like writing in a long time. The last month or more I have not felt like writing or posting at all but I did it because it was stuff I wanted to get out or stuff I wanted to have to look back on later, so I did it. I have wanted to post since Friday but have been dealing with and going through to much to even have time or really want to do it. I will break it up into a few post or it will end up being one huge post that I wouldn’t even want to read. Don’t know if I will get to all of them tonight or not but will get at least one done. Heck I don’t know if there is even more than two to write, I really can’t even remember anything before Friday. I am going to think about it as I write in hopes of remembering something.

{April 17, 2017}   Got Through Another Easter

My mom wanted to go out to eat today instead of anyone cooking and having it at their house. My grandma use to have all the holidays at her house and all the family that lived here came. When she stopped doing it my mom would have it at her house and mostly just us my sister, brother and my family. Sometimes my grandparents would come. When I bought my house we had some there until me and my brother got into it and I said I did not want him and his family at my house anymore. We went back to having them at my moms house and the last 3 or 4 years now my sisters. The last few she has wanted to go out because no one’s house or set up is good enough. I wanted to go grill out at the park today and be done. But burgers and hot dogs were not suitable for Easter. Like last Holiday I just told her I didn’t have it and she said Father of the Year could pay for it, whatever fine I don’t have to deal with it and the kids are just as happy either way. We do our own holiday together that day sometime before we all get together or after if we are not going to have time we do it the day before. We do not do it for all holidays just some depending on how we feel about the holiday coming up. Like Thanksgiving I have almost always done the night before with just my family at home. We don’t cook a huge meal but a nice meal and eat together. It started when me and farther of the year was together for our first Thanksgiving, I had to work that day and he was going to his parents since i wasn’t going to be home. We decided to do ours together the night before. It wasn’t done every year we skipped it a few times over the years it was mostly just Thanksgiving. But since my mom has gotten the way she is about everything and me and father of the year getting a divorce and everyone not getting a long as well I have started doing it more with my kids. I want us to have a meal we enjoy together without all the loudness of everyone else, the do this do that, don’t do this, don’t do that of everyone and just because. Just like birthdays, they take cupcakes to school for the class and that night at home we have whatever they want for dinner and a cake, I give them their gift from me and the kids. Then if we get together with family the other three kids give them the gifts the y bought for them and they get whatever whoever comes brings. But it is a nice time to just spend us together having fun as a family enjoying their day or our holiday how we want. Then if the holiday or whatever gets messed up because someone does something or plans get changed or whatever other reasons we still had a good holiday because we already done ours. Maybe it is wrong but I don’t care, it seems it has brought me and the kids closer since we started doing things this way as well.

Anyway today we went down to where we had my oldest daughters birthday dinner a few weeks ago, the one my mom didn’t come to because it was so far and the traffic. Nothing would do her today until we went down there. I felt it was way to much money to spend and just didn’t want to deal with the crowd that was going to be there but said I don’t care. I just wanted to get it over with. We got there a few minutes before they did, so we walked up to the front and was waiting. They pulled in and parked close so we walked out to the truck. My mom was out and headed across the parking lot toward us. The kids ran gave her hugs and was saying hi and everything. I walk up and she looks at me pulls at my shirt and says what is this? Oh my God look at you, you look pregnant! Is that a meternity top or is that just the way it’s made? I said no it’s not, she said oh you look so big in it and goes on. I wanted to just get in my truck and go home but here I am about 30 miles from home and the kids are excited to see my sister and her family and my mother, they want to go to the park with them and do egg hunt and gifts for the girls birthdays that just passed. They don’t have room if I leave them all and go home. I felt I looked nice, even though I didn’t have the money to I took the kids and let them all pick out a new shirt or dress for today and decided I would splurge and buy myself a new shirt since I only have one or two nicer shirts that I like and fit nice. We just got new shorts/pants a while back I let all the kids get a few pair. Shirts they pick up all the time because we find them on sale for $5 or less so I grab them some if they find some they like and they have them in their size and I have extra money. I find it saves me from spending a huge chunk of money at one time taking them all shopping and buying them new clothes every so often, they end up getting more too. Because when we find the shirts most times only one or two find ones they like in their size and I am spending half the price as I normally would so I am getting two to 3 shirts for what I would have spent on one and only buying a few for one maybe two kids. Since we just got pants and shorts a few weeks ago I knew they had them at home I wanted a dressier nicer shirt for them all, that’s what they got. My little one got a dress. I started to not buy me the shirt I picked out I thought I really shouldn’t I need the money for other stuff I just decided that I need clothes once in a while too and that I wanted to look nice today as well. Maybe get some pictures of me and the kids together. I liked it when I put it on and felt good, then an hour later we get there and she says all that.

We get inside then she ask me who is paying for me and the kids or how we are splitting it up. I said I guess he is because the last time I paid for me, all the kids and then him too. I knew I was going to pay for me and the kids I planed on it, but I didn’t plan on paying for him as well. He says he paid for it but he told me he was giving me x amount of money for the week and then when I got it was short. He said he had to get dinner and gas. Really then I just bought your dinner and gas because you took it out of what you told me you were giving me. Plus I had told him I didn’t have money for that today and I didn’t want to be there why am I paying to be a part of something I don’t want to go to? They are the ones insisted we come they would take care of it. If I had the money I still would not have went there. I would have went somewhere else their idea was there or another place that I do not like most anything on their menu so I said fine lets go there. I don’t like sea food and that is about all the other places has. It would have cost the same either way if not more to go to the other place. I was told pick where to go and when I did it was shot down to these two other places so whatever.

We ate me the kids left about ten or fifteen minutes before them we were done and needed to stop at the store across the street so I figured by the time we got out of there they should be done and coming out and I had to get out of there because I was about to start crying right there at the table. My sisters dad, my step dad lives close to where we were going and she said she started to call and ask him to come eat with us but didn’t. She said she figured my mom would say something but then she said she didn’t care but she didn’t because she figured he wouldn’t come he never does. When she said she figured mom wouldn’t want her to I said you should have anyway it isn’t any of her business. I was going to say see him as much as you can and don’t worry about when or where it is or who likes it. But I couldn’t I had to stop because I just started crying. I stopped myself before anyone seen but I was fighting it. I everyone was done eating they were going back and forth to get dessert and I had finished and was eating my salad. My 4 got done I said we are going to go so we can get in and out of the store so we aren’t holding everyone up later at the park and left.
I don’t know why I started crying, I hadn’t cried over my dad in a while. I wasn’t even really thinking about him until we started talking and she said that, as soon as I went to say what I was going to say it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I still haven’t figure out why I was fine once we left. Only thing I can figure is maybe because I have already had all the shit with RC on my mind, maybe because I have such a hard time with being around my mom and dealing with her and Father of the Year and I just want away from here and them, I don’t know. I miss him I miss him a lot but I don’t dwell on it and I don’t sit and think about it all the time. I try to keep busy remember the fun times and keep on keeping on. I did think today about how the first Easter after he passed was what a mess it was and things. How I came home with a six pack but didn’t end up drinking it. But even then it was a fleeting thought because of something that happen or was said today and that was it.

I am just glad to be through the day and home sitting in my bed relaxing and getting the kids to bed and ready for school tomorrow.

{April 16, 2017}   Happy Easter

Hope everyone is having a good day with friends and family. I guess we will be going to eat and to the park with my sister, her family my mom and Father of the Year. Then we are going to go to the part hide eggs and give my niece her birthday gift and my little one her other gift. We were going do cake and stuff but where we are going to eat is going to have all that stuff so I am not getting another one. They both had cake on their day so it be okay.

I am feeling a little better from last night, my mind finally stopped and let me go to sleep. Probably those couple drinks I had when I was out last night. But I have been thinking about it again today. Trying not to but feeling lonely on top of everything don’t help things any. Not looking forward to seeing my mom and Father of the Year but I want to see my sister and her family and the kids want to see my mom.

Guess I should get off here get dressed we should be leaving in just a little bit and I haven’t gotten dressed yet or anything. Not that I have to do more than that really. Clothes been washing and drying so couldn’t. Got get the kids rounded up make sure everyone is showered and dressed.

{April 16, 2017}   What Do You Say To That

When Father of the Year got done with the truck me and Wanda were sitting outside talking and I ask him if he was leaving or what time he had to be home. I said what are you trying to get rid of me? Why are you trying to get rid of me? Wanda looked at him and said no she is going to leave if your going to be here. He said oh what do you have in there to make for dinner tonight? I told him I was probably just going to go to the store to pick something up, I haven’t been shopping and didn’t lay anything out. He said okay, so I went and got them stuff to make for dinner. I have some stuff here but not a lot because over this past week why the kids have been out of school we haven’t felt like doing shopping so I went the day or two before they got out and just tossed stuff in the buggy to go with stuff we already had here to make meals out of it to get it all used up and start over. I will go shopping for months and buy stuff then some of it odds and ends get left in there where I bought to much or made something else with with part of what I had. I like to use all that stuff up every few months so it don’t go bad and I don’t have a bunch of random stuff sitting around. I didn’t want to really go out go out but I wanted out of the house and didn’t want to sit here and hang out with him all night why he was “seeing” the kids.

Me and Wanda went and grabbed a burger at the fast food place, normally I would just go through the drive through but since we were just wasting time I parked and we went inside. We were sitting there talking and some how the topic of drugs came up and being hooked on pills. I said I never understood what people got out of it that they just make me sleepy I don’t feel high at all. I said but then I guess because I take them like I am supposed to not handfuls at a time and crap. That is why thy OD on them they take so many at a time and then have to take more because they get use to it. I said but then look at how many of them nod off and shit so it is making them tired too.

She said yeah that she took her’s if she had them and needed them and took an extra one in the day sometimes if she got really bad but she didn’t even take them close together she take the one if it didn’t help in a couple hours she might take another one. Or if she started hurting before it was time for the next one and he needed it, but the other days she may not take any. She said they make you feel the same as pot. I said I haven’t done it but know people who do and had been at a friends when he was doing it and talking about them eating everything that wasn’t nailed down. I said I am big enough without eating like that. She said yeah only difference really with pot is that the pot makes you eat. That is why she takes it because she has problems with her stomach and things and gets to were she can’t eat. She said just like that I don’t go oh I need it every day let me keep going to get some. She was talking about these people rushing to a doctor and trying to get pills as soon as theirs runs out and to the er lying to get them and things how ER drug test you now soon as you walk in most the time. She hadn’t had any pot in a long time and still had some of the pills that he got at the doctor last time they put her in the hospital and kept her for a week. I know she hasn’t because it has been over six months since she had pot. She got really sick and couldn’t eat anything and was doubled over in pain and puking off and on all day. Every time she would eat she as sick, a friend brought her some and she smoked it a few days maybe a week and she has been doing good since. But she went to the hospital they put her in there keep her for a week or two or they would tell her there was nothing they could do for her go home. She has a problem where her stomach don’t digest the food and another problem. I kept telling her last time it was that stuff acting up because she just been in there for a week a week or two before this. I told her they didn’t do enough or something that she needed to go back she did that instead and has been fine. I feel it should be legal for people who are sick I had aunts who used it when they were going through their cancer treatment, we were going to get my dad some because of his but he got so bad so fast he couldn’t have used it.

When we were talking about how the hospitals drug test you now most every time you go in and for sure if you are going in saying you need pain pills. I said that is why I don’t understand how RC was going all the time to get them after we split up. I said he would never go for anything when we were together but after we split up and he got with her something was always happening and he was in that ER. She said I don’t know but he admitted to me straight out that he had a pill problem and that it was bad and he was doing them when he was with you. I said I know he does i didn’t when we were together but found them when I was moving and put two and two together.

We went on talking and she acted as if she was waiting for me to ask her more or say more about it and ask what all he had said about it or what but I didn’t. I just went on talking almost like she hadn’t even said it. I didn’t know what to say about it or to her. Like I said I didn’t put it together until the end and it was to late. But after all these years of him lying and saying he didn’t and shit even though I knew it was surreal to hear her say it. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I wanted to ask her a few things see if he had said anything or what but then I didn’t know if I wanted to know or how I even felt about what she just said. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I feel odd everything since she told me. I don’t feel mad, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel like OH I ALWAYS KNEW! I can’t explain how I feel. I guess maybe I want answers but not from her but him. But what answers? Then tonight I am laying here in my bed unable to sleep thinking about it and I wonder he laid about that what else did he lie about? Was it all a lie? Did he really care? Do I care if he did? Why do I care if he did? It’s done it’s over? What about the shit he said to me when we were texting before I had the baby? Why did he go back to her? Why didn’t he stay? Did he go back to her because of the reasons I figure he did? Did he not stay because of why I think he didn’t? I wonder what does he think now? Why do I care? Is he happy? Dose he ever think about his little girl? Does he still have the photo album of her I left him? (I just thought of that one go figure) Dose he still care? Dose he even care about her? Again why do I care what he thinks or feels? Why do I still care about him? Why did I not really care about him and hadn’t really felt or thought anything about him in a caring kind of way in forever but tonight I have all these questions and wonder all this shit? I wonder why I feel the way I do about it all. I just feel so perplexed. I wonder what would he do if we ended up the same place somewhere like me and his ex did at therapy? I wonder how I would be? I know I would say something to him but I don’t know what? I wonder if I would be mad or what I would feel?

Just to many questions, I think of him of course he is my daughters father, she looks like him, things she does are just like him. But I didn’t really think about him other than oh lord she just like her daddy, or yep she got that from her daddy. But nothing feeling wise and tonight I am feeling some sort of way and I don’t know what to think about it. Or what I should have said to her when she said it.

{April 16, 2017}   Partly Put Together

Today Father of the Year came over and put the grill support on and the headlights in. I went Easter shopping for the kids while he was doing it. I get home he dropped one of my new headlights on the grown and scuffed up the plastic front. I was so mad. He said he put the support on and put them on the truck and was bolting everything in. Who puts a headlight in, doesn’t bolt it down and walks off to shake the truck around and bold the other one and other things in? That is what he done stuck them both in the spots where they went and then started bolting the one in instead of doing one then putting the other one up there. I told him it better work or he would be buying them I was not paying for them if he broke it.

I got different ones than what was in there because the old ones didn’t look right with the grill that is on it. They look really nice in there. I think once I can finally get the bumper I want it should look really good. The bumper is black as well. I was hoping it would look better than it has been when I got the lights in at least but it don’t really look any better. It does but not all that much. The way the trucks sit and how big they are I guess the bumper sits really high up the front, it seems like then it has all that plastic crap around the bottom of it that hangs down about another foot or two from the bumper. I don’t like the plastic on there and from what I can tell with the bumper I want it don’t have that. But with no bumper or that plastic stuff it looks like way more than the bumper and that plastic is missing when that is really all that is missing. Once the bumper is on it looks normal and not like anything is missing. I have to get a job soon I just needed to wait until I got the lights because all that I know about I could probably walk in and get right now but they want you at night and in the day. The one I want pays $12 and hour to start and up depending on the position you get. I think I just like to be a cashier and be done, I don’t want to take on more stress than I have to at a job since I am going to be going to school too. One of the other positions would pay more and let me have more left at the end of the month but as long as I can pay the bills and things I am good. I am going to ask about the others then decide. I think I could get any one of of them it’s do I want them, is all the extra involved worth the extra in pay? Or doing the other with less stress and less pay really the one that pays more since it isn’t as stressful and paying more than other places for the same job. I guess I will have to check them all out good and see.

I am back to trying to get all this extra furniture out of my house and I am almost to the point of just giving it away as bad as I need the money. I listed it all in two different places the other day, no sooner than I listed it I had someone who wanted pictures of the bed. I pull it out set it up take pictures and send them. They wanted it they would come at lunch time or right after work the very next day to get it. I text them yesterday afternoon to make sure they were still coming after work so I would be home to meet them. Oh no sorry I can’t my daughter has a high fever I am not going to be able to make it but thinks for asking and offering.

What the fuck did I offer you people I ask if you were coming to pick something up that you told me you would be here to get this evening? I didn’t get that at all but I didn’t say anything. I just said okay thank you let it go. If they really wanted it that bad why would they not say hey sorry my kid is sick is there anyway I can pick it up tomorrow or the next day? They must not have wanted it as bad as they said or changed their mind for some reason. Kid sick changed their mind or whatever the fuck that happen why didn’t they at least offer to text me and say hey sorry this happen or I changed my mind I am not coming for the bed tonight just so you don’t wait around for me? Even just a simple not coming but not they say nothing and if you don’t ask you sit and wait and wait for them to show up while you could be doing other stuff that you need to get done and they never show and you never hear from them. I use to give people my address and everything upfront I stopped I tell them text me when your on your way and I will give you the address. This way if they are not texting me 20 or 30 minutes at least before they are supposed to be here it is a pretty good bet they are not coming. This keeps others from showing up way earlier too. I have had them do that as well then at least if I am home I can put the dogs up and be ready or tell them I am not there but on my way.

I know I shouldn’t be letting people come to my house but I do not have time to be packing 4 kids up and whatever it is that people want to go meet somewhere for them not to show up because if I do that and they don’t show I am going to be even madder than if they just don’t show at my house. Plus this stuff I am not loading and unloading and tall that. I either put it on the carport and meet them outside when they get here or I have it in this room off the back of the house, we have no fenced just a yard with roads a on three sides and people around. I walk them around the house to the back room and let them go in and look. Then they can just pull up to the room and load if they want it.

I do not bring anyone in my house. And the dogs are right on the other side of the door that leads into my house from that back room and they are barking and having a fit because they hear us back there so people know I have them. I have a had a few women make comments and one that made me feel a little unconformable about who lives in my house and about the dogs. I tell them yes me the kid, dogs and my guns feel pretty safe here with my cameras. It’s none of anyone’s business who is or isn’t here or living in my house. They hear the kids and dogs and they assume that I don’t have a husband scene I have no one to help left and load the stuff they have to bring someone their self.

I just wish that people will tell me they are not coming. It simple and easy and it’s not like I can really do anything because your not. I just don’t want to sit here forever waiting on you to show up or telling others it is sold and then they don’t show up. I started putting first come first served no holds. If someone says I am coming I live this far away I tell them okay I will hold it for you if you are leaving and on your way right now. If they are an hour away I will hold it about an hour and half to hour and 45 minutes If they are hear close to me I will hold it about 45 minutes. Then if someone else is asking I tell them they can come get it. If they can’t come I will tell them I haven’t had anyone else ask about it right now so if you want to contact me when you are off work or this that then let me know I will let you know if I still have it. This one i just told them sure come get it after work they couldn’t even say hey I’m not coming that is why i don’t hold.

et cetera
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